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Original poster

Hen do help please!

23 replies

Pukkatea · 29/08/2019 10:27

I almost put this in AIBU but knowing the general view towards hen dos on MNet I decided it wasn't for the best.

I am co-organising a hen do for my best friend. Background is, she's had a very rough time recently, and her recent milestone birthday that was organised for her by someone else was a complete flop and it made her a bit upset, although she said nothing other than to me.

Us two MOH's have put forward some proposals to the other bridesmaids and basically they are being obstructive about all of them. Firstly saying the budget is too high and noone will come (it's about the same as I've paid for every other hen do, including one of these bloody bridesmaid's own do!) to demanding that we change plans, that we don't go out at all and play party games inside instead etc. No dinner out, just shop bought food and drink etc.

The problem is I know the bride and that just isn't her sort of thing. Basically, a few people who don't want to spend the money (but expect it spent on them - again, one of the bridesmaids is having an expensive hen do and a wedding abroad!) are making a point of shooting down absolutely every proposal put to them, even after I did a fully costed itinerary that brought the overall costs down.

Has anyone ever dealt with someone like this? I don't want to involve the bride and stress her out thinking that her hen do is a nightmare for us, but honestly I'm so fed up with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pukkatea · 29/08/2019 10:29

I suppose my AIBU (if it was in there) would be to ask - am I wrong to try and prioritise what the bride would want for her own hen do?

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 29/08/2019 10:36

Prioritise what the bride wants. Make it as affordable as possible but if they don't want to come they don't have to. I'm only saying this because of their double standards as I hate having to pay loads that I can't afford for hen dos.

RolyWatts · 29/08/2019 10:42

I agree. Let them know its becoming too complex involving everyone's opinions so you and other MOH have made an executive decision that you will be having dinner at x place and going on to have drinks in x place. I would even add something like - it seems like like a good compromise given that Bride really wants to go out for her Hen but not as expensive as going abroad. I'd then say, the deposit and final booking has to be in for X days time so please let me know by then If you'll be attending. The don't engage without the group into the day before you r deadline with a reminder.

RolyWatts · 29/08/2019 10:43

Sorry for typos. In the bath. Tmi?? 🤣🤣🤣

rededucator · 29/08/2019 10:47

Why not call them out? "I find it odd that you are saying the plans for x are too expensive when your hen do is/did cost more. Can you elaborate on what the issue is?" Why waste time pandering?

Original poster
Pukkatea · 29/08/2019 11:08

Why not call them out?

I would if it comes to that but at the moment I suppose I'm trying to keep the peace so there isn't a fall out with the bridesmaids - she is the bride's oldest friend and a family friend of hers, I suppose I feel she's a bit 'untouchable' in that regard. She's not the type that would take it well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pukkatea · 29/08/2019 11:10

I hate having to pay loads that I can't afford for hen dos

I suppose the reason I'm wavering is because I know so many people do think this.

There are also logistical difficulties in keeping it very cheap in that everyone lives in different parts of the country, so no matter where we are, most people still have to travel and get accommodation of some kind (noone in a position to put people up). Otherwise I would have said let's stay home and cut costs that way.

OP posts:
SheWoreBlueVelvet · 29/08/2019 11:18

You could not do a two tier Hen Do?
Do a massive cheap one to make up for the crap birthday with loads of her friends. Let them organise that.
Then take the ones that can afford it with her away somewhere or out to dinner.It won’t affect the price as you can get a smaller AirBNB and twin rooms in a hotel are the same cost.
My friend had something similar for her 40th where we all got drunk on the Friday, had a spa day the next, and Sunday lunch out the following. People came for as much or as little of the weekend as they wanted/ could afford.

NotSoHotBot · 29/08/2019 11:20

Think @RolyWatts message is really good!

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 29/08/2019 11:22

Sorry, just seen you will all be travelling.

In which case it will probably be best to do the cheaper option.

HeyMonkey · 29/08/2019 11:45

What kind of thing are you suggesting booking?

Flights to European city, hotels, meals, spa, activities?

Or just going out for a curry and cocktails in local city, 1 night thing?

Original poster
Pukkatea · 29/08/2019 12:13

What kind of thing are you suggesting booking?

Going to a UK city (localish to some guests, not to me) for a 1 night stay, meal, drinks, recover with a mini pampering thing.

OP posts:
HeyMonkey · 29/08/2019 12:32

Hmm, how much is it going to cost for those far away?

If it's too much for them then they don't have to come. Tell then what you're doing, and if they want to they can come, if not they can decline.

But I guess if the bride really wants to do something then would it be best to make it as cheap and accessible to all as possible?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/08/2019 12:36

Whats the cost?

Ultimately i think the most important thing for a hen do is the number of people- i have been to hens with smaller groups and its painful. I would find out peoples budget and plan from there. Surely they can afford to go out locally?

Original poster
Pukkatea · 29/08/2019 13:10

I would find out peoples budget and plan from there.

The problem is that we aren't going to get anything for certain proposed budgets. In one instance, a train ticket basically anywhere would take up most of it, and no matter where we go, many people will need to stay somewhere.

Surely they can afford to go out locally?

The problem here is that everyone lives in different places!

Hmm, how much is it going to cost for those far away?

The person paying the most will be me, which is just about £170 (I'm buying various bits and bobs if we choose to have them, to save others money). For everyone else, it's £110 including food and some prosecco provided, plus their desired drinks spending money for a bar.

I guess if the bride really wants to do something then would it be best to make it as cheap and accessible to all as possible?

Of course! I've cut various ideas that would have been 'nice' but are non-essential. I just don't want to cut it down to the point where I end up with something that suits the guests but not her. Especially when she will have been to the hen dos of people there and spent much more money and effort on them, surely that's just going to make her feel a bit crap.

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 29/08/2019 13:17

You can’t please everyone. As long as the core three of you are in, just arrange it and people can decline if they don’t want to attend. A few hundred is pretty standard for a weekend away.

Also, get people to pay in advance by a deadline, so you don’t get stiffed.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/08/2019 13:24

It is a bit cheeky when others have had more expensive dos that your sister has attended willingly- but equally more of the friends may have mortgages and children and a couple of hundred may be too difficult for them.

Would an air bnb somewhere middle distance for you all (let everyone arrange their own travel)- bring a dish, bring a bottle and a night out locally not suffice?

I think on this one Id have to take it back to the bride.

BinkySodPlop · 29/08/2019 14:13

I've just helped sort one out. We've gone for an Airbnb outside the city of the event, with night one being "at home" with a Just Eat delivery and BYOB booze for those who can do 2 nights. Main day is a guided walking food tour of the city for lunch, then a "Dinner and Club Night" in the evening. Home the following day, stopping for brunch if we fancy / can afford it. It allows lots of different budget levels to be accommodated, but we had to pare it right back from initial thoughts of 5* spas, afternoon tea, boat trips etc! Smile. I think we've got a good compromise and hope you can sort something out for yours, too, OP.

BlackCatSleeping · 29/08/2019 15:49

But, the OP is clear that that’s not the sort of thing the bride wants. Surely it’s better to book a hen do the bride will actually enjoy?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/08/2019 15:56

better to book something the bride wants but with hardly anyone there?

CurbsideProphet · 29/08/2019 16:08

God hen dos can be a nightmare. I would politely message the awkward bridesmaid and confirm that as the bride is paying £X towards awkward bridesmaid's hen do then it is reasonable to expect that a certain level of effort and cost can be reciprocated.

I organised my own, as it was marginally less stressful than worrying about something being organised for me.

BlackCatSleeping · 29/08/2019 16:22

But, it’s not that expensive. I suspect it’s just one or two people being difficult and when the OP books it everyone else will be fine about it.

I could understand if it was thousands to go abroad, but it’s around 100 pounds. I suspect most people are absolutely fine about the whole thing. Just the squeaky wheel getting all the attention.

strawbmilk · 29/08/2019 21:24

I think the cost is really reasonable and as awkward as it is you might have to mention to the BM that it's less than what hers is costing. Hope you manage to get it sorted and it's a stress free hen in the end xx

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