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Original poster

How / when to tell people who aren't invited?

26 replies

MafaldaGregorovitch · 05/05/2019 14:28

Small wedding, less than 15 guests invited. How / when did you tell people who aren't invited? Especially as there are a couple we'd know that will be offended / upset about not being invited.

OP posts:

thefuriousfuggler · 05/05/2019 14:59

Well surely they will know they aren't invited as they won't have received an invitation?

ChrisPrattsFace · 05/05/2019 15:01

You don’t tell people they’re not INvited?

If they ask when your wedding is, you say X date, small/close family only (or whatever)... that’s what we did and no one was offended.

UCOinanOCG · 05/05/2019 15:29

Depends who they are? Are they family who will expect to be invited or friends?

LightDrizzle · 05/05/2019 15:35

Never tell anyone they are not invited to anything.
If they bring up the wedding, then you can mention when or where ... but you’re only having a tiny wedding.
We had 9 people, when we got engaged I did get a couple of excited “Ooh! am I buying a hat?” texts from friends, I just replied thanking them for their congratulations and saying we were only having a tiny registry office wedding. We did it 200 miles from our home city which made it easier.
We didn’t get any negativity from anyone.
We did throw a post wedding party back home (no gifts stipulated on the invite) that went down well but I don’t think that’s essential.

Original poster

MafaldaGregorovitch · 05/05/2019 17:39

Depends who they are? Are they family who will expect to be invited or friends?

Family who'd expect to be invited. Another MN post I read said it's better for people to find out beforehand rather than after the fact so I was thinking maybe we need to tell people. I also don't want to put those who are invited in an awkward situation e.g my Aunt whose sister (my other Aunt) isn't invited iyswim.

OP posts:

Original poster

MafaldaGregorovitch · 05/05/2019 17:41

Also a friend who I see every other week or so. She's great but we're just keeping it really small.

OP posts:

50shadesofgreyrock · 05/05/2019 17:41

Probably before you ask them to chauffeur your grandma to the festivities.

Original poster

MafaldaGregorovitch · 05/05/2019 17:45

Haha @50shadesofgreyrock it's okay grandma's not invited

OP posts:

BendydickCuminsnatch · 05/05/2019 17:50

Well surely they won’t find out after the fact, they’ll find out long before the wedding...? Your family will talk about it surely and so the uninvited people will gather that they’re not invited. In my family it would be eg grandma tells aunt that they’re going to the wedding, and that it’s a very small affair. Aunt understands that they’re not invited and wishes us well.

blue55 · 05/05/2019 17:50

If the wedding comes up in conversation just say you're planning something very very small only a handful of guests on each side. Very tricky though.

Russell19 · 05/05/2019 17:51

Hmm may be tricky if one aunt is invited and not the other.... she might feel upset.

Cora1942 · 05/05/2019 17:56

If you see this person regularly then imo you should invite her as other aunt. If you dont see her, no need to worry. Just tell all family very small wedding party, only handful of guests.

Grainedmonkey · 05/05/2019 18:26

OP seriously, have you read any of the other Wedding invite threads ? Have you learnt nothing! This is heading for disaster.

Grainedmonkey · 05/05/2019 18:27

That has just reminded me to check on 10 white groomsman

Original poster

MafaldaGregorovitch · 05/05/2019 19:26

Have you learnt nothing! This is heading for disaster.

Umm no? Why is this heading for disaster and what would your suggestion be?

We're literally just inviting two witnesses and their families (partner and DC)

OP posts:

InTheEndgameNow · 05/05/2019 19:32

I think when asked you need to explain that you are just having witnesses and no one else, and that Aunt 1 is a witness for X reason. I do think you need to be prepared for Aunt 2 being offended though.

I'm envious to be honest. I ended up with a massive wedding because I really wanted one particular Aunt there, but felt I couldn't then exclude my other 7 Aunts / Uncles and their partners, and DH's 4 Aunts / Uncles etc.

Cryalot2 · 06/05/2019 21:50

Enjoy your day.
Invite those whom mean something to you.
Sod the rest. I only wish I could have done the same .

BoomZahramay · 06/05/2019 21:57

Invite those whom mean something to you. Sod the rest.

As long as you understand that "the rest" will then know that they do not mean anything to you, and that you thought, "Sod them."

BackforGood · 06/05/2019 22:21

Well, then , when anyone asks you anything about the wedding, you say "though we are literally just having 2 witnesses and their families - it isn't a public affair", so they know.

Does seem odd to invite "and their families" of witnesses, but not equivalent family members though.

Only you know the dynamics of the relationships and why you are inviting one Aunt but not the other - her sister - so only you can know if you will need to go and spell it out to the other Aunt as to the fact she isn't invited.

Original poster

MafaldaGregorovitch · 07/05/2019 17:34

Does seem odd to invite "and their families" of witnesses, but not equivalent family members though.

My Aunt is a witness. We see her and her family often though I do see much more of her. Other Aunt I've seen once in the last year. Another family member who I know would be upset I haven't seen for 2/3 years.

We have a similar situation with witness 2 so not sure it's that weird to invite their families.

Some people expect to be invited to things but despite repeated attempts on my part, they make zero effort back. It's not about them not meaning anything to us but at the end of the day we're not going to ask people who we rarely see.

I wasn't asking for the rights and wrongs of not asking people though. I was asking whether we should tell them and if so how.

OP posts:

TillyTheTiger · 07/05/2019 17:42

My wedding was tiny, I got my Nan (who was invited) to drip feed to my extended family that it was a tiny wedding with just a handful there, as I rarely contact these family members and it would have looked really rude to get in touch just to tell them they weren't coming.
My three closest friends I had over for the evening and explained that we were having an immediate family only wedding due to having just bought our house and not wanting or being able to afford a big fancy do. They were disappointed but totally understood.

Littleduckeggblue · 07/05/2019 17:46

I don't think you need to tel people that they aren't invited as such. You just need to emphasise how "small" your wedding is going to be. Bring it up in conversation that it's just your DC and witnesses

PaperHead · 07/05/2019 17:46

We didn't tell anyone until about three years after we'd got married. Simple.

bamboofibre · 07/05/2019 17:48

As long as you're not inviting them only for the evening, expecting them to travel and possibly have to pay to stay somewhere overnight and also sending them a tacky cash as a gift poem, just put the feelers out that it's a very small wedding.

I'm British myself but my sister is married to an American and tbh, I find the evening do set up really rude, and it seems to be getting ruder, with invitations issued for evening do's in the middle of nowhere complete with wording for those guests to come to the ceremony and then fuck off till later, hand over money as a gift, all sort.

EL8888 · 07/05/2019 17:52

I agree with Littleduckeggblue. You don’t need to justify yourself and hardly anyone else is being invited either

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