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Weddings

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Midweek weddings

51 replies

Lilypad15 · 27/03/2019 23:15

We have finally found our dream venue. It ticks all our boxes and I love it. We’ve seen a lot of places and none of them wowed us but this one did. However it seems to be causing so many issues with people.

The venue is just under an hour from where we live (although some of our guests live closer) and we have opted for a Monday wedding because we just don’t have the minimum numbers needed for a weekend wedding (we have about 55 max guests but every venue we’ve looked at is looking for between 80-120 minimum). We’re supposed to be going to put the deposit down on Sunday and I feel like it should be really exciting and I was really excited but people are making it hard. I’ve had a lot of “I’m not trying to put you off but...” and saying things like a Monday wedding means nobody will be able to go and the fact it’s a drive away means people might not be able to go because they can’t afford to stay over etc. Our reasoning was the people who are important to us and we want there, will come. Those who we aren’t that fussed about will be the ones who might not be willing or able to travel/take time off work. I was worrying too much about other people but I’ve tried to remember that this is OUR wedding and we should do what WE want instead of trying to make everyone happy and there’s nothing we can do that will please everyone.

My parents and grandparents have all been on at me. Grandparents have nobody to watch the dog (??) if we get married somewhere they have to stay overnight and my parents assume we’ve rushed into it without thinking it through even though we’ve been crunching numbers etc every night for weeks.

Has anyone else had a midweek wedding? Are we being stupid by having one? I just can’t justify paying the increased venue fees plus for potentially 60+ extra people we don’t actually have just to meet weekend minimums. I’ve never wanted a massive wedding, just one with my closest family and friends. But with a Monday, there’d be quite a few guests who would have to take two days off (the wedding day and the day after if they’re staying over etc). There’s a lot of time to sort that with employers but is it a lot to ask of people? We don’t really have any other option that doesn’t involve us going way over our budget. My fiancé thinks I’m worrying too much about other people but then when those other people start casting doubt in my mind and then I think maybe I’m justified in my worrying!

Sorry for rambling, I’m just stressing too much!

OP posts:
Glower · 29/03/2019 22:34

Personally I wouldn’t do a Monday wedding. Knowing that I was inconveniencing most of my guests and making them book two days off work would put a dampener on it for me, honestly 😬 it’s a big ask. I appreciate that it’s your dream venue but I would have it in a venue that could accommodate me on a weekend.

Glower · 29/03/2019 22:38

Also, I think if you just want closest family and friends then invite only them or elope?! It doesn’t mean you don’t matter to people if they decline your Monday invite since it could mean 2 days holiday leave or even unpaid leave for them.

CurbsideProphet · 29/03/2019 22:47

I'm getting married this year, so I really sympathise on the issue of trying to keep everyone happy. We've compromised by having a not overly exciting venue (perfectly nice hotel) so we can afford a Saturday wedding (most convenient for the majority of our friends and family).

If the majority of your friends / family are able to take the time off work, then obviously that's fine and is great. I would ignore anyone moaning for the sake of moaning (ie retired guests who don't need to worry about annual leave /work etc) and just enjoy it all Flowers

I would say don't be openly annoyed or think guests don't care enough about you if they can't stay late etc and are in work the next day. For example I only get 25 days leave per year and they are precious to me (mentally draining job), which imagine is the same for a lot of people.

StylishMummy · 29/03/2019 23:01

You want the Instagram-able photos from this 'wow' venue you can't afford at the expense of your guests probably not being there. You sound like you're getting your priorities just right Hmm

TheCraicDealer · 29/03/2019 23:04

Honestly unless it was a very close family member or an extremely close fiend (I think I have one person who would meet that criteria) I would decline. I wouldn't want to drive an hour home and get up and go to work the next day, but nor would I want to take two days leave. They usually say to expect about 10% declines on your no. of invites, but I would suspect that for the majority of Monday-Thursday weddings you're looking at a much higher decline rate. Are you genuinely ok with having an even smaller wedding than you're planning? Even if you think you are, it can be quite gutting putting the all work into a traditional "white wedding" and seeing all the "thanks but no thanks" coming in.

It's not the fact that it would be small that could be an atmosphere killer, it's people looking at their watches and leaving immediately after the meal/speeches because they're working the next day, not drinking because they're driving, or generally just not being in the right headspace for a party because it's a Monday night. You can be in the fanciest venue in the world, but it doesn't guarantee craic- I've been to budget weddings in church halls which were brilliant parties, because people were relaxed and in the form to have a good time.

I can understand the frustration, honestly. But I would strongly suggest you either go the whole hog with a very small intimate weekend wedding (immediate family and friends, as you've indicated you're happy with), go for a cheaper venue or put the wedding back into the autumn or winter months where you can save considerably. School holidays are peak high season.

MeteorGarden92 · 29/03/2019 23:15

I’ve only skimmed TFT but as a 2019 bride I agree with some points.

Minimum numbers is horrible and whilst I can see why venues do it, its gotten ridiculous over the last few years. Asking for 50/60 minimum Is fair enough but 100/120 is totally unreasonable 🤔!

It gives couples the option of DIY, small informal, elope ... or spend £50k hosting an insane festival event! No middle ground!!

It’s basically an acknowledgment that my wedding isn’t ‘worth it’ for your venue. Excuse me but I thought that 60/70 day guests was a pretty generous sized wedding...apparently not!

What annoys me MOST OF ALL about weddings is how dishonest couples are (mainly brides) about budget. I hear stuff like ‘oh the venue can only take X for the meal so we can’t offer plus ones’ when I know for a fact that venue holds atleast twice that amount🤔

It’s just a polite way of saying ‘we didn’t want to pay £170 for you to come’ which is fine but just say that!

My DP fell into this trap recently. One my friends asked for a plus one for her BF to come and he responded with ‘oh...I think we’re at capacity’ to which she pointed out that we were at least 30 places under (CF 🤔 but she knows the venue)

I interrupted and said ofc she could bring BF but our small guest list was reflective of our £220 per head cost (we’ve created the exact day/ experience that was important to us and covered EVERY cost for the guests) so she would need to pay for him...suddenly she didn’t mind not bringing him 😂

MadisonAvenue · 29/03/2019 23:17

We've been to two midweek weddings in recent years, both a long distance from home but close family so we couldn't really decline but they've been inconvenient in that two days annual leave has had to be taken - travel down after work the day before the wedding and then travel home the day after.

In all honesty, the atmosphere wasn't the best at either. People were leaving after the meal because they had to travel and be home for work the following day, others who stayed were conscious of having work the next day so weren't drinking and by 10pm most people had drifted away.

OllyBJolly · 30/03/2019 10:16

It's hardly a dream venue. I'd rethink it.

FraggleRocking · 30/03/2019 10:33

Pick what’s important. You’ve seen loads of venues and this seems perfect but the dates are going to massively inconvenience a huge number of your guests. If the venue really means that much to you then I’m sure you’re right, people will come but you can’t expect a full list and might get a little bit of resentment.
A wedding is always better when the guests are happy (and can attend!) People will relax and have a better time at the weekend.

Hollowvictory · 30/03/2019 10:40

It's not a dream venue if you can only get married on a Monday unless a Monday wedding works for your guests. Your guests are saying that it doesn't work for them. Understand that many schools workers will be off as it's August ut presumably many of them will be away on holiday.
If actually you're happy with a garden wedding then why not cut the faff and do that?

Unihorn · 30/03/2019 10:46

Depends on the circles you run in. We're a family of teachers and shift workers so had ours on a Wednesday in the summer holidays. We had no declines.

GreenTulips · 30/03/2019 10:46

Not sure how getting a dog sitter is easier on a Saturday rather than Monday!

Some people are weird! If it was a close family or friend I would go and have a good day. Who dictates wedding only happen on Saturdays?
Small wedding would be under 10 people - 55 is loads

YouBoggleMyMind · 30/03/2019 10:54

We've had to decline a Tuesday wedding. It's down in the West Country for a start and DH would have to take 3 days annual leave and we'd have to find childcare due to no children being invited. Guess you either have to accept that not everyone will be able to make it or change venue/day.

YouBoggleMyMind · 30/03/2019 10:57

I'd like to add that there is nothing wrong with the West Country, it's beautiful, we just don't live near there!! Grin

Youmadorwhat · 30/03/2019 10:58

We had ours on a Wednesday? If ppl want to be there they will be there I matter what. Mine was in the Lake District so most just made a short holiday out of it. If you give enough notice I don’t see the problem 🤷‍♀️

Littleduckeggblue · 30/03/2019 11:06

I had a weekday wedding. Everyone that I wanted to be there attended.
Stuff what everyone else thinks.
It's your day. Do it how you want to.
If someone really wanted to be there they would make the effort

IggyAce · 30/03/2019 11:21

Dh is a wedding photographer he has shot many a wedding on the usual Fridays and Saturdays and has also covered a few on a Monday and a Thursday. All weddings have been well attended.
Would you consider putting in a bus to bring guests to and from venue so people don’t have to stay over and could have a drink?
Must it be a summer wedding? Most venues have minimum numbers for peak wedding season but relax these for out of season weddings.

PersonalityLines · 30/03/2019 11:32

The annual leave argument is a strange one for me, perhaps because I don't work mon/fri, but surely it's just a transfer of time. By taking two days annual leave in the week that's a free weekend instead.

HattieRabbit · 30/03/2019 11:35

It’s fine to say ‘stuff what anyone else thinks- it’s your day’ but ONLY if you will be 100% ok with people declining!!

Run down your guest list and honestly pre-empt who may say no. Do they work FT? Do they live more than 1 hour away? Do they have kids? If yes (and they’re not your sibling/absolute best friend) then I’d be putting a question mark next to them!

‘it’s my special day I’ll do as I like’ is fine, until the brides sticking her bottom lip out because only 40% of the guest list accepted.

Personally, I think if you can’t afford your wedding, unless it’s on a out of season Tuesday and child free...you can’t afford your wedding!!! Do something more affordable, local and guest friendly.

Youngandfree · 30/03/2019 11:40

There are many ppl that work weekends not everyone works Monday-Friday so to me it’s all the same 🤔🙄

Graphista · 30/03/2019 12:23

"Our reasoning was the people who are important to us and we want there, will come. Those who we aren’t that fussed about will be the ones who might not be willing or able to travel/take time off work. I was worrying too much about other people but I’ve tried to remember that this is OUR wedding and we should do what WE want instead of trying to make everyone happy and there’s nothing we can do that will please everyone."

Sorry but that's rather arrogant. Your wedding is important to you, somewhat important perhaps to those VERY close to you but to many is likely neither here nor there. A wedding (contrary to many on mns opinion) is NOT only about the bride and groom unless you do a traditional elopement.

You're hosting an event to which the attendees are GUESTS which you do have to consider their needs to a degree.

Yes you can choose this venue on a Monday, and that is your choice BUT invitees do NOT have to attend and the reality is with this set up many will decline.

I'm wondering how fussy you're being with venues that you're finding most have a minimum number of guests for weekend dates, I'm guessing you're mainly if not exclusively looking at places like hotels that have very prescriptive ways of dealing with weddings. These aren't the only possible venues.

"There’s a lot of time to sort that with employers but is it a lot to ask of people?" Yes! Peoples annual leave is limited and those who don't get paid leave this is a huge ask! Even at minimum wage you're asking them to essentially "spend" approx £130 per person just on that to attend your wedding.

Plus hotel costs, plus possible childcare considerations...

All this is why Saturday in a venue local to the bride, groom and their loved ones is the traditional choice that many still opt for.

As has been said on here before about certain types of weddings your talk of your budget equates to really you're pushing the cost onto your guests rather than paying it yourselves.

What is your budget roughly? And location? Again roughly, in all likelihood an mner or even several will know of possible venues to suit.

I used to work in the industry and I've been to loads of all kinds of weddings.

Honestly the worst/least atmospheric was one in a very posh hotel that had been planned for 5 years to the nth degree, was very prescriptive and the majority of the mainly working class guests frankly felt out of place and judged by the staff! It just fell completely flat.

The best was a traditional church + village hall affair with a retro buffet and very cheesy disco, held on a Saturday on a bank holiday weekend. Absolute blast.

And it wasn't the posh v not posh that made the difference, it was the expectations of the couples, the first couple became overly concerned with details, everything being "picture perfect" and trying to impress a certain few guests (his work colleagues), the 2nd couple just wanted to celebrate their marriage with the people they loved and for everyone to have a good time and feel welcome.

Friday or even Thursday evening wedding would be better, and widen your ideas on possible venues.

I do think it's possible you basically "googled" "wedding venues in X location" and have been looking at those venues (and remember they pay to be higher up on the "hits" too, to be covered in magazines, online articles etc if not directly then by offering incentives to those writing the articles, it's an incredibly competitive business because frankly not as many couples marry now as in previous generations)

Think "outside the box" and consider other less obvious venues if you're on a tight budget.

And as pp have said consider out of peak wedding season (June - August) too which tends to be most expensive.

Is there a particular need for the wedding to occur soon? Can you delay and save more?

Weddings can be done very frugally or very expensively, makes little difference to the guests, length of marriage or how happy the day is.

That's another thing to remember, it's one day, that's all, it's not more important beyond that and it's essentially for the guests a party. You and your fiancé attach more importance to it for obvious reasons but it is just one day.

Expecting guests to use up more annual leave than is absolutely necessary, possibly lose pay, pay for overnight stays, childcare costs, then all the other associated costs of being a guest which isn't cheap is actually a pretty big ask.

villamariavintrapp · 30/03/2019 12:34

I think it depends why you’re inviting other people to your wedding really-is it for them-to enjoy your hospitality, a thanks for supporting you and your partner and your relationship; or is it for you-so that you have admirers and bodies in photos..?

DippyAvocado · 30/03/2019 12:43

Wedding venues take the piss but I think if even your closest family members are annoyed it doesn't bode well.

A lot of people will choose to work Tuesday rather than take two days of annual leave so they will leave the wedding early to go home which will affect the atmosphere.

nrpmum · 30/03/2019 12:47

We got married on a Monday. Only 10 guests to the ceremony, and a few mates in the evening (30 in total I think). Everyone turned up and it was a good day and evening. Having said that it was local to where everyone lives.

Eustasiavye · 14/04/2019 07:28

Sorry but I'm not keen on midweek weddings.
The last one I went to was local but I left early because I was working the next day.
However you say most of your family and friends are teachers so I do think that makes a difference.
I do think a non local wedding is a sticking point though.
It would mean me driving so again I would leave fairly early. Otherwise booking a hotel which is expensive.
At the end of the day it's your wedding.
We are getting married abroad and paying for a small intimate wedding.
We are spending a lot of money on paying for everyone's accommodation and flights but saving money on the ceremony parts.

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