Excluded from Best friend's wedding party/plans

[Luc2003]

Hello,
So I need some friendly advice. Last year I got married and made the easy choice of having my 4 best friends as my bridesmaids. One of which I made my maid of honour. I must admit at the time I asked the question I had concern that my friend of 16 years seemed unusually disinterested in my wedding plans but as she was a new mum to be I put it down to the fact that she had a lot going on. So anyway I asked her and reassured it was the title only and I didn't expect anything from her as I knew at this point she was pregnant so didn't want to add any stress. She and my bridesmaids arranged an unforgettable hen do for me and on the big day were fab. So fast forward a few months.. she is also newly engaged.. and nearly a year on and there has been no discussion of who her bridal party will be. Until naturally I'm slowly finding out from other people.. as they discuss their dresses. So I think I'm aware now who her bridesmaids are but who knows another might creep out of the woodwork.

So it's important I think to let you know to make matters worse.. kind of.. how I found out - due to there being what appeared to be no bridesmaids or maid of honour only 2 small flower girls... Myself and 2 other life long friends of hers (not bridesmaids either) organised her hen do in fear that approaching the wedding there was no plans made and we worried she wouldn't have one. So we rounded up her friends and family and had a fantastic hen do. Inbetween making plans a bridesmaid came to light although didnt offer any help until too late (10 days prior). The next morning of the hen this bridesmaid discussed how another of the hen party guests had difficulty fitting into her bridesmaid dress. This was how myself and other 2 life long friends found out who the other mystery bridesmaid was. She too had offered 'help' a couple of days before the hen do. Inside I felt devastated..

Anyway im rambling what my point is or question even is...

• Why didnt our best friend tell us about her bridal party? Why cloak and dagger?
• Does she value the friendship the same as we do?
• In hindsight should we have left the hen party arrangements alone?
• Am I right to feel a little hurt?

I just wish there was more sensitivity around this.. I genuinely feel relieved that I'm not a bridesmaid as have a lot going on but that doesn't change the fact that my feelings were not thought of. She could have been open and honest about who she had chosen and reminded us perhaps of the importance of our friendship? Instead we've just been completely shut off. I haven't even seen the dress :(

Do I need to rethink my friendship with someone I thought was my best friend?

Ahh the disappointment

Are you invited to the wedding? It does seem strange- and rude she is freezing out her friends. I guess it depends on how important the friendship is to you- either be straight up, and ask what's happening, that you're excited for her and would love to know the details, accept you're not as close as you thought, or go NC and that the friendship, for some reason is over.

Yes I'm invited to the wedding. We are close enough that we talk everyday.. that's the bizzare thing. It's like we are close friends but maybe I'm just not good enough for the wedding photos lol i don't know. I asked a long time ago if she was having bridesmaids and she said she probably wouldn't.. this was said during my wedding planning also by her so when the time came a few months later we weren't too suprised when it appeared she wasn't having any only flower girls.. then boom we have a maid of honour and a bridesmaid! From out of nowhere lol its to the point where it's too awkward and hurtful to address.. that and I'd hate to put any ounce of negativity on her big day plans/run up. I suppose its more of question of the future of our relationship.. :( !

She probably didn't know how to tell you or know what to say to you. Doesn't make it right but that's how it is.
You don't know if she was put under pressure to have these girls as bridesmaids. Family on both sides can be quite dictatorial especially if they are contributing to the cost.
Perhaps they are linked to the grooms best man etc and they / he want them involved.
The bridesmaids could be family or have some significance to the family.
I don't think it should ruin your relationship. It's her wedding and you have no right to be any part of it. I can understand you feeling a bit meh but you don't know the reason why. If she's not been funny towards you before then there is no reason to doubt your friendship.

Sounds like she likes less fuss than you and could live without the kind of detail you like.
Was it a surprise party for her hen do? If not and you consulted her then I think that is fine.
I think adult women getting upset about being bridesmaids is a bit odd personally.

So are the girls that she chose as bridesmaids? That's important. Maybe she's been put under pressure by a lot of different people who all want her to choose them? Maybe family or her Dp are insisting on certain people? Your choice was easy, hers may not have been.

Do I need to rethink my friendship with someone I thought was my best friend?

I'd say no, let it slide, hide your disappointment and enjoy the day. The best of friendships have a few bumps in the road along the way.

Totally agree with AJPTaylor.

So are the girls that she chose as bridesmaids?

Doh that makes no sense....... who are the girls she chose as bridesmaids?

How did she react to you arranging her hen do?

I think who the bridesmaids are is important, but also for me bridesmaids should always be maids-unmarried so as I married person I would never expect to be asked.

Thank you for the replies everyone :)

*Bridesmaids one is related other one isnt. The family needs could have been part of the decision, could be right there.

*Hen do wasn't a suprise we consulted her about it first of course elements were a suprise ;) like I said it got so late on that had we not have offered to arrange the hen do she wouldn't have had one and as far as we were aware our best friend had no bridesmaids at that late point.

*I haven't let on of my disappointment or anything like that as I said it's just how I'm feeling and it isn't so much just not being asked it's the fact that she didn't tell us who her bridesmaid are or anything. We are kept in the dark and have kind of been left feeling a little foolish in some ways. The hen do was hard work, had we have known there were 2 bridesmaids that could have helped out it would have made things a lot easier! But instead the bridesmaids got to enjoy the weekend whilst contributing nothing - was odd in a way.. I'm glad we did it though because of how happy she was when we had you know? The help wouldn't gone a miss though, for sure!

*It was mentioned that she 'might not like the fuss/detail like me' no if anything it's literally the opposite. I had a small scale wedding hers is wonderfully huge and its been all about the detail! - it will be amazing.

Thanks again for your replies! I don't feel as silly now for feeling a little hurt. I won't let it affect our friendship but I think part of me has had a little clarification on how she sees things.. this won't change how I am but once this kind of thing has happened it'll always be remembered.. would be so much better if there was more sensitivity around it - maybe anyone out there who is leaving life long friends out of the bridal party - this is fine but just take time out to let them know they are important to you but you've chosen to go for 'x, y and z' due to whatever reason - don't leave them in the dark and hope for the best.

:)

I'm sorry but at the point at which you offered to arrange the hen do she should have told you. Even if it was to say please could you still do it. But then she should explain why she asked the other girls/ladies. I would feel hurt. Especially if you are talking everyday - it's not like it would have taken her long to tell you. - I would let it go for now as it would be a shame to upset her now. But after the wedding I would take a moment to say that you were a little hurt she never told you - and take it from there.

I think you're reading too much into it. She has probably just let it happen without a grand plan. Someone, a cousin or something has said "I've never been a bridesmaid," so she said they could be hers. Maybe they're her DHs relatives? Maybe they're not married and she just discounted you because you are. Perhaps a helpful aunt or MIL asked if they could be and she just doesn't care that much.

You are obviously close friends, you just have different ideas about what a bridesmaid should be, don't over think it.

My oldest friend got married a few years ago and had her sisters and 2 other friends as bridesmaid, I was hurt though I didn’t say anything. She admitted later that she asked her ‘fat friends’ on purpose. I felt sorry that she felt so bad about herself that she had to do that and let it go. I chose not to assume it was a reflection of her feelings toward me and our friendship remains intact.

It’s ok to be hurt OP, but don’t let it become poisonous if you really care about her

Just an update! Although nothing changed and we spoke everyday as always. On the day I was sat furthest to the back of the room. I didn't get 5 minutes with her - pretty much the only time I existed was for photographs. I tried to speak to her and was blanked. I was and still am heart broken. I think we will remain 'old friends' but not best friends at some point that stopped being the case I just didn't get the memo I guess. Sometimes I question whether we ever were in her eyes. Thanks again for everyone's posts. It is what it is. Beautiful day but I was truely invisible.

This happened to me, our friendship has drifted to the point I no longer tell her when I’m in the local area visiting other friends.

Think she has just woken up to the fact that her behaviour played a huge part in this, as my husband often comments there’s no effort from her.

Try to limit your contact to general chat but it’s up to her to put the effort in before you get too upset. She either values you or doesn’t, if she doesn’t then you can focus on better friends.

Sorry to hear it happened to you too. Honestly where we've been friends for so long it hurt me so much. It was a time I always pictured we would be excited about together and on the big day really feel part of that. I might as well have been an evening guest if that. I gave her the benefit of the doubt throughout the day like made the excuses 'oh it's a busy day for her ect' but as the day went by and my attempts at getting her attention failed I had that same gut wrenching feeling that I had in some of the run up. For me she did what felt natural for her on her big day to bring her happiness as thats how I spent mine. It was just I was not needed to make that happen. It's made me feel a bit insecure and doubt other friendships. Its a bit lonely to learn the person you have been calling best friend for such a long time never saw you in the same way. I think you are right, I think I'm on damage control at the moment so just going to stir clear and focus on other friends that are giving more back emotionally ect

Yes it’s heart breaking if I’m honest. My BF was from primary school (well slightly before actually) but it’s taken about 3 years for me to get over really... and I’m still bitter/sad about it all at times. I wish her well and if she ever really needed me I’d still be there but she’s never stepped up to help me when I was struggling so it’s very one sided. Luckily I still have some great friends as it would definitely hit harder.

I still keep up contact though my godchildren mainly as they call me, txt me etc and I’d miss them a lot. Don’t see them very often anymore, only twice a year usually via thier grandmother whose great at updating me. She’s recently started reaching back out and messaging asking to meet up outside of the standard birthday / Christmas visit times. And implied she would want to come visit me (a first!) so you may get a similar thing x

I don't think your at all in the wrong for feeling hurt about this.
My best friend of 20 years is getting married next year, she's having quite a large wedding, 6 bridesmaids, 3 are her sisters, one was the grooms choice (weird, right??) one I've never met and the other a mutual friend since primary school and I have no idea why my bestie has chosen her over me. She's my longest friend. We have been through it all. My family treat her like family. I have been excluded from everything, I offered to help plan to relieve stress, offered to plan hen night.. I'm not even a hen. Infact I'm not even invited to the hen do activities. I am heartbroken and I feel like I value our friendship far more than she does. I genuinely couldn't imagine having such a special day without her by my side the whole way from planning to the big day itself. I feel like crap about it and it's actually caused us to fallout. The damage has been done. It may seem selfish, it's her day, it's her choice and it's all about her. She made a choice not to include me without even speaking to me about it and said it was my fault im upset about it. I'm not shallow, I don't care about wearing a fancy dress and taking pictures, I care about sharing this wonderful experience with my bestie. She's not allowing me to bring my baby.. Or my partner to the wedding either. So I have made the choice not to go. She obviously doesn't need me by her side and by doing what she has done has made it clear where I stand in her life.