How to approach re: inviting children

[opalescent]

Dp and I are organising our wedding.
Our rough head count at the moment is 140 seated, more to the evening do.

All the children from the immediate family will be invited, including our own 2. That already makes 12.
If we go on to invite all our friends children, the number spirals out of control- most of our friends are married with 2 or more children each.

In talking to our friends, most are more than happy to leave their kids at home, in the interests of having a bit of a booze up. But we don't want to alienate anyone who might feel that they want or need to bring theirs.

What's the best way to approach this?

I know what you mean about spiralling! We didn't have any children of our own, so decided on no under 18s including relatives. The vast majority of people were delighted not to have to feel like bad parents choosing not to bring their kids as we'd made the decision for them! And they had plenty of advance notice to sort out babysitters.

(We did invite the two v young babies who were still breastfeeding though!)

A few grumbled but we stuck to our guns and I think that's the most important thing - that you treat everyone equally. It's perfectly normal now to have weddings which are no kids or family kids only. Just make it crystal clear from the outset and don't feel you need to explain yourself.

I don't think people expect their children to be invited do they ? Famly children is different from your friends twins and toddler honestly don't concern yourself with it invite who you want.

I think most people understand inviting children from the family only. Personally as long as you accept that some won't be able to come and don't use the phrase "let your hair down", especially not in a poem, you are fine.

Just talk to your friends about it - any amount of notification doesn't mean we have overnight childcare, and a full day/evening gets very expensive in paid childcare. So its much more fun for us to bring ds to anything!

Make a decision (sounds like family kids but not friends kids) and stick with it - although consider babes in arms as an exception.
The only time I've raised eyebrows about kids or no kids is when I've been told on the invite "to allow you to have a better time, we have decided no kids".

“No children under 18 except babes in arms please”.

I was recently invited to a wedding where it was phrased as “We are only inviting children from our families, but if this means you will be unable to join us, please speak to us and we will see if we are able to accommodate them.’

Recent friends weddings took into account distance with inviting children. One our DD was invited due to distance, most local non family kids weren't. Other one she wasn't because we were a lot more local.

As soon as it's more than 1 overnight required (4-5 hours plus) childcare gets more complicated. No resentment caused either way.

As parents was way easier leaving child with grandparents overnight as she was well used to than wrangling a toddler at a wedding!

We are getting invited to more and more child free weddings as we get older and the numbers start to spiral. I think everybody understands, but it's equally important that you understand if people can't make it for childcare reasons.

It's common to make an exception for close family kids and babes in arms. Just be consistent! It's really annoying when I leave DH at home looking after DD, only to find other couples who have been cheeky enough to ask for an exception got to go as a family.

I've been to a few weddings where immediate family only bring children. I think that's fair enough.

Honestly, I spoke to all families concerned individually ( appreciate that ours is a relatively small wedding at 50pax for dinner) and said " It's going to be an adult only wedding; giving you the heads up so you've got time ( months) to arrange childcare."

Admittedly none have babes in arms but we've got friends with children from 3-18 and without exception they were all thrilled at the prospect of dumping the children with family/minders and having a night on the razz!

I would have felt uncomfortable putting a blanket "no children" on the invitations without speaking to people.

It's up to you but if you say no kids, do expect people to decline the invitation. Not everyone has family close buy and friends aren't always an option especially if you have moved a lot and don't have particularly close ones.

It's a personal choice but we chose cheaper options and only invited the people we really wanted there including their kids rather than lots of acquaintances.

I think everyone understands or should that children may or may not be invited, I don’t mind (I have a 9m old and a 4yr old) but bride and groom must understand that there may be declines as childcare can be a problem regardless how much time you have to get childcare. We have to decline as no family locally to babysit, also at present I’m breastfeeding my 9month old. We declined a family wedding last month based on this.

I will be inviting all family children and close friends children as I want to celebrate together. I mean they don’t need to bring children if they would rather not but that’s a personal decision.

We've had this problem. We have 97 places and that's it. All friends have kids so we couldn't invite them. We have allowed only immediate family children and a cousin with Babe in arms who have no alternative childcare. We also had to make a exception for the best mans kids as they had no family/friends to look after their kids. We didn't want him or his wife having to miss out. We have been unpopular with some relatives who have children. Not much we can do. You can't please everyone. If we had the space and someone couldn't come because of childcare we would try to accommodate. We have already asked a few over what's allowed so are hoping a few guests can't come. Eek. Good luck with organising.

We put on our invites that our children will be there to celebrate the day and if guests wanted to bring their children it was fine and to just let us know on the rsvp. we had one family bring their daughter and everyone else booked their babysitters immediately. We were lucky that we weren’t limited on space and we also just spoke to our guests (majority were friends we saw regularly so was easy) and they were all keen to celebrate without having to be responsible parents.

One of my aunts had a wedding where she invited guests (in our culture guest plus one means the whole family) then she called people cancelling yelling them they couldn't bring kids. A lot had very young children. In the end people didn't turn up, she paid for guests who for one reason or another couldn't get a sitter on the day. It just looked awful!

It is completely reasonable and fairl to say this as it is your day and you are paying for guests to have food and drink so it's completely up to you. They are free to decline the invite if they can't bear the thought of it! I personally think it is quite rude for people to expect children to be included given that the cost is not significantly reduced at many venues (only a small reduction due to no alcohol).

We said nothing about children on our invites but named the couple invited on the invitation e.g. Dear Amy and Nathan (not Amy, Nathan and little DS / DD). But we added a note on our wedding website saying we have chosen to have an adults only event. Our rsvp system is on the website so all guests have to look at it and the guests could only select up to a maximum number of RSVPs, (e.g. 2 if they are a couple). If you use this system it is pretty clear.
In any case no-one batted an eyelid and most have said how much they are looking forward to it without parenting responsibilities.
Do what YOU want! :-)

miyajima98 as a side note, it’s not that people can’t bare the thought of leaving their children, but childcare is a major issue. I have no family locally to help us out and a 10month old I could t leave anyway as breastfeeding. So yes I would decline an invite without kids and be sad about it

But I do agree it is your day and do what you want, but don’t get the hump if people with children decline as they don’t have childcare or can’t leave their kids for whatever reason

Mummyme87 yes you are right, for some people that will be the understandable issue.

OP it is your wedding, arrange it as you would like. If people live close to venue or have family that can babysit it should be no issue for them. There may be some people for whom this isn't possible but they can just decline.