Bridesmaid dresses

[YouTakeTheBiscuit]

My dad's girlfriend asked my permission to ask him to marry her at Christmas, gave it she is good for him, makes him happy and I really like her, and I think he will say yes, he worships her.
now she asked me to be a bridesmaid along with her daughter and 11-year-old granddaughter. I said I would, now the problems begins......

I am a 5ft 6 and a size 6 to 8 (depending where I buy) I am flat chested and prefer simple elegance, her daughter is a 40 FF and about a size 22-24 at a guess, she loves all things bling and in your face, she had a big fat gypsy wedding theme for her wedding even got Thelma Nadine to make hers and her maids dress it was very in your face fluorescent pink an uncountable amount of rhinestones.

now to combat the size difference issue when she started talking dresses, I made a suggestion that the three of her bridesmaids should wear the same colour dress but slightly different styles to accommodate our individual style and shape as well as be age appropriate for a pre-teen so we would all be comfortable even found an article stating how identical on trend it is and sent a photo (ive attaced one, I also stated to her not these dresses or this colour but you get an idea of what i mean..) it as a flat out no we are to be in identical dresses, their suggestions oh my god! I cannot wear what they want, the second photo is what her daughter suggested but imagine hot pink i mean HOT pink and much much more sequins and rhinestones..
I then also sent another type of dress, long sequins what I thought was age appropriate, supportive for a bigger busted women, and i could probably tolerate wearing despite being very very bling, her mum then asked if I would wear a shorter style dress I said yes assuming she meant not floor length and on or below the knee, her daughter then said no to my suggestion (see photo) and she would not wear a short dress because she is a responsible parent and married and cannot disrespect her husband by wearing a short dress! I replied and said I dont know what you are trying to suggest but I too am married with a child and by shorter I assumed knee/below the knee and not floor length, she hasn't spoken to me since, I suppose I just want to rant, as I dont want to do it to dad's girlfriend ..... bear in mind they are discussing dresses and making other wedding decisions she hasn't even proposed yet! i am now hoping dad asks me to be his best man/woman, then i dont have to wear a dress!

If she is paying for the bridesmaid's dresses then you need to wear what she tells you to wear. If she isn't paying for them then maybe you can push back a bit if you're really unhappy with what is being suggested, but ultimately, it's her wedding day.

You can always ask if it's OK to change into something else after the photos.

Here? Rant away.

In real life? For God's sake wear what you're asked. Of the thousand and one things a couple getting married need to arrange and consider, what a bridesmaid will condescendingly "tolerate" wearing is beyond annoying.

P.s. I'm having my bridesmaids in mismatched sequin dresses. One bridesmaid pushed back like you. FINALLY got an outfit she approved of. Then they all got together at last - she whined about not fitting in with the other two!!!

Please don't be a pain in the arse for the sake of a dress you will wear one day.

@EthelThePiratesDaughter we are buying our own dresses, I understand it is her wedding day but there is no way she will get an identical dress to suit both her daughter's frame and mine, it just won't happen, we are complete opposite ends of the scale in body shape. I have no issue buying my own dress, I'm happy to help I am helping an awful lot ..... way beyond usual bridesmaid duties.

I have put her in touch with a few friends in the wedding business, and pulled in a few favours for getting her a nice discount on products and services, I also will be catering (while paying my staff to help prepare and wait on) the wedding along with personally baking and decorating the cake free of charge, I would normally charge in the region of £600 for her cake alone and around £1000 for the catering (estimate from the basic idea of what she wants) for a layperson, who also need to book over a year in advance.
her wedding is going to cost me a lot of money just in catering NOT counting paying my staff their wage (which is a very good wage) and overheads plus any profit, and buying my dress,

AIBU in thinking I deserve a little more of a say in what I wear as its costing my pocket a substantial amount, I may have to turn away another booking while doing her wedding, as I am pretty booked as it is for the next 18 months so myself and my poor staff who are incredible will have to work extremely hard, as the wedding is likely to land alongside another 1/2, (i may need to employ extra staff) or am I just being a bit self-entitled?

@thecatsthecats I know I'm definitely being a pain, but she hasn't even proposed yet and is making plans, I actually have no problem wearing the same dress as other bridesmaids as long as it suits us all,
when I got married I paid for the dresses and sat down with my maids asked them to show me dresses they liked dresses the didn't, I didn't want my maids in anything that made them feel uncomfortable because it would show in the photos we then went I had 4 maids and they all very different height, skin tone and sizes, it was really difficult to find a colour shade to suit my colour scheme and a style of dress to suit them all, yes it was stressful but we made it fun, had a good few afternoons of shopping and lunch, and the end result all of my maids looked and felt amazing and it showed in my photos, I think they probably looked better than me, and I looked incredible

To be honest I think if you're buying your own dress (which is outrageous cheeky fuckery on the part of the bride) you should get a say in what dress you're being made to buy and wear.

My bridesmaids both had a lot of input into their dresses (I want them to look and feel good) and I paid for them.

But.... she hasn’t proposed yet? Isn’t this all a bit premature? What if he says no?

@WobbleTime no she hasn't proposed yet,

She must of dreamt of her wedding her while life (she is in 50's) because she knows exactly what she wants food and decor wise. But again no she hasn't proposed yet she is doing it at Christmas.

@EthelThePiratesDaughter bridesmaids buying their own dresses is not uncommon these days I don't think, I don't have a problem with buying my own dress, I just don't like what they are picking out. If I'm paying for it I at least want something I'm comfortable in and won't look like a dixk head in, and could possible alter (dye send to a seamstress) to be able to get another wear out of it.. she doesn't seem to be budging on we have to be in identical dresses. It will not work that we all look nice we are too different !

Could you suggest looking at the bridesmaid section on ASOS? They look good to me and most dresses are available in different lengths and plus size and don't look like they'd break the bank.

I would say being asked to pay for your own dress is still very uncommon, but for those who do it this way its usual that if you are paying you choose.

I would just explain that you are happy to wear what she suggests if she is paying but I certainly wouldn't be spending money on a dress I didn't like, didn't want and wouldn't wear again.

Yeah, if you're going to dictate what someone else wears, you pay for it, if you want them to pay for it you have to allow them to choose something they are happy to wear and will ideally be able to wear again.

Them's the rules.

And your dad's partner is seriously getting ahead of herself if she's not even planning to pop the question for another three months. She needs to calm the fuck down.

How do you think your dad would feel if he knew you were already arguing about what bridesmaid's dresses you will wear to his wedding that he hasn't even agreed to yet?

Possibly a bit freaked out, I reckon.

Some of the most stunning looking weddings I have seen, had bridesmaids all wearing slightly different styles, either jn the same colour or even lovelier, from anywhere in the creme/coffee/chocolate colour palette.

Very bizarre that they’re not even engaged yet there’s this level of discussion about bridesmaids dresses and how they’re being paid for...

I’d just drop it for now and put it out of your mind until they’re actually engaged, the wedding is booked and it’s actually time to shop for the damn dresses. That could be ages if she’s waiting 3 months to propose (or never if he says no) so no point stirring up all this drama that won’t be resolved any time soon.

But when if/when it actually comes down to it, if you’re paying for your own dress then I think it’s ok saying you wouldn’t feel comfortable in a particular style as long as you’re diplomatic about it. Ultimately it’s about what the bride wants though.

she is totally getting ahead of her self she and her daughter have gone mad, she said if he says yes wil you be my maid, i said yes and off she went with the dresses saga! i tend to just reply busy at moment text you after when they start with dresses and decor and such haha

Well you’d better hope your dad doesn’t get wind of the ‘dresses saga’ arguments and ask who’s getting married and why are you al fighting over dresses???? Awkward.

I think same colour palette,different styles I.e navy column dress,royal blue prom etc

I KNOW, I just not even getting into it with them, to be honest right now i have too much work on to have petty arguments over dresses,, i dont even like dresses of any knd, or talking about weddings and decor and all the other stuff, i do it all day with my brides when planning their menus and cakes i dont want it in my down time either!

This sounds like it has the potential to be a right shitshow. You shouldn't have to buy your own dress.

If she wants identical bridesmaids then the advice I remember when I got married is that you choose a dress for the most awkward (for want of a better word) shape.

The bride should pay for her bridesmaids dresses and gets to choose the colour scheme and rough idea of what she wants full/short length, lace, bling, identical or matching and then has the final say on style one you have tried dresses on.

I've just been through this with my nieces wedding where she had 3 bridesmaids of different shapes and sizes. The bridesmaid with an average/slim build said she'd be happy to wear whatever the other girls felt comfortable in as she knew she would look ok-ish in most dresses and it was stressful for them and the bride to find something suitable for all.

It would be best for the bride to lead the discussions, then get you all together to a shop to try on to see what suits all. As the slim/average build bridesmaid you may have to compromise a bit more for the benefit of an overall look.

If the brides choice (which may also be her daughters preference) is very over the top excessive bling only you can only decide if can wear for one day for the sake of your friendship or decline being a bridesmaid.

@snuggybuggy your right it does, but I won't let it, with everything I would be doing catering wise she wants for the wedding realistically I have not got the time to be bridesmaid, also, I am the eldest of 7 daughters she has only asked me as we are closest, which will go down like a shit sandwich I think, IF my dad says yes I may decline and ill give the reason of catering the wedding time etc.. also my dad said if he were to ever marry again (this would be his third) id be his best (wo)man we're best friends, I did tell her this...

@BrokenWing her daughter is a very dominant character and I think dads girlfriend is trying to please her, but I will not be bullied into wearing something that makes me look like an arsehole especially when i will be at the wedding not only as the wedding party but as a caterer also, my business reputation will be on the line if i rock up looking like something from a Christmas cracker,

the more I think about this the more I feel I'm not suited to being her bridesmaid her daughter and me are likely to clash she is self-entitled (though I am aware I am being so also, dragging on about my business, but it is my livelihood) If dad says yes I don't want any fallouts to stress either of them out, as she hasn't asked him yet I think its best I put it out there now I can't be bridesmaid, it may put her nose out of place for a bit, however, it will save argument/tension/bickering in the future if this does become an actual wedding, its already causing tension and she hasn't even asked him yet!

I wonder if you should either be bridesmaid or help cater. Even with a very calm level headed brides and groom I wonder if doing both would be too much.

Honestly, I think your potential future stepmum is being totally batshit to launch herself into wedding preparations in this way when she and your dad aren't even engaged yet.

Just tell her that she has your full blessing to marry your dad but you'd rather hold off on talking about this sort of stuff until they are actually planning a wedding. Tell her that on balance it might be a bit much to do bridesmaid's duties as well as catering, and also that if your dad asks him to be his "best woman", you'd really owe it to him to do that, so you'd rather discuss all this stuff after she has proposed.

Agree with pp. Just tell her the more you think about being a bridesmaid the more you realise you'll be too busy with your catering responsibilities to do both things properly, and so you're bowing out of bridesmaid to concentrate on the catering.

btw I think it's really cheeky to ask you to pay for a dress she'd be choosing.

@SnuggyBuggy
that's what I'm thinking, she has a tendency to "throw her toys" for lack of a better phrase when things done go her way generally, imagine if something goes wrong at the wedding! she will truly be a bridezilla I can feel it!
@ EthelThePiratesDaughter
Absolutely!

well, we have had a turn of events I sort of put her in place yesterday. let's call her Joanna for the sake of this post
Thursday night i receive a text

Joanna: "are you working tomorrow love? xx"

"Hi Jo, yeah I am, I've been flat out all week, we have a wedding of 180 and a retirement party of 80 on Saturday, so will be doing the last bits for them, whys what's up? xx"

Jo: "is it ok if I pop in for 5 mins I want to show you something?"

"can you just send me the link, I will be really busy"

J: "I don't have a link for it I want to bring it in"

"ok but it will have to be really quick, like 2 mins quick, around 12:30 by the end of the day I won't know my arse from my elbow and you could show me a steaming turd and id say it was lovely HAHA! jokes obviously!"

12:30 is normally when I kick the staff off workstations demand they take an hour to chill, eat, drink, whatever, yep they are that good I have to demand they take a break)

so Friday arrives she turns up at 11am we are right in the thick of it (there is only myself and 4 others who work with/for me we are a small team)

she rings the bell at the front. im in the middle of piping a rose... i signal 2 mins, finish my rose remove my apron and jacket and wash my hands

" hi Jo your early, whats up"

j: "oh what are you doing it looks fun, it took a while"

"I'm decorating a wedding cake, it's against policy to leave the kitchen in whites cross-contamination and that"

J "do you like this? I want my napkins like this"

"ok yeah, but you dont need to show me this now"

J; "I know but I just want to get ahead you know so when it comes down to it I know where I can get everything, you know what dads like he will leave it all to me (that is true) so I don't want to be in a flap"

"ok I don't know off the top of my head if i can get those exact ones but i will do my best"

J: "when can you let me know? , oh what is she doing? i don't like the look of her she looks miserable something is off about her"

(i have a partition at reception with a large window into the Kitchen so customers can see how clean and professional my kitchen is)

^" Jo look I am really very busy when you've proposed and the wedding is actually at the planning stage, I'll book you in for a tour of the kitchen, a sit down with the team, you can show us all your samples and we can really go at it with the detail, but right now you haven't even asked dad, so steady the breaks a little yeah.

and that was my very first employee she has been with me since the beginning and is now my maitre'd who is an NVQ Level 2 Qualified chef with a Level 3 in hospitality and food and drink service she is also working towards her manager qualification, she is second in command and ensures everything runs smoothly in the kitchen and on the service side if I'm not there, now I really am busy, I don't mean to be rude but I did say 12:30"^

it went down beter than i thought,

J: "crazy I only wanted a chat, but ok I understand I'll text you after"

and off she went! I felt really bad later on so I text her said sorry if I was a bit short earlier my up to eyeballs at moment, and DS has been naughty in school so got that worrying me, I promise as soon as we have a date to work with we will really go at it ok, just right now dont stress yourself with wedding, start planning the proposal"
J: "ok love i know im getting away with myself here, do you still want to be bridesmaid though yeah"

" of course I want to but like I said beofre it's going to be tough for me, I will be so busy with the catering my bridesmaid duties may have to be passed to someone else, and if dad does ask me to be his witness id owe him that but we can work out the details once he has said yes"

J: "okie dokie love see you sunday! its lamb this week but i know you dont like it so ive got you beef x"

I think I may have got out of the bridesmaid duties there, haha maybe, no tea break over! we have been working since 6am! yes i finished the roses for the wedding cake despite the disturbance lol

Wow!

Very well handled, OP. Sounds like Jo and her expectations are going to be difficult to manage. Well done for handling the situation without getting wound up and upsetting her!

@EthelThePiratesDaughter
Thank you I felt very "adult" even a little proud of myself! though i raging insideand wanted to say fuck off! especially when she made comment on my employee!
the team are like my family, Like most people I spend more time with the people I work with than I do my DH & DSS at many points of the year, I'm a boss when I need to be (which with this lot, actually isn't very often) but generally I work with my team not above them if that makes sense

she will be difficult to work with but there is always someone harder, weddings seem to send a few people batshit! and then once the hard bit is passed and we get the next bride/groomzilla walk through the door we laugh about the old experience and old stress