Wedding AIBU situation

[Warwick89]

I guess this is a wedding AIBU question.

This is a tricky question because there's a lot of context here... I will try to be as brief as I can. My relationship with my parents was difficult as a child, they were neglectful and threatened me with abandonment and used shame as a controlling mechanism. Unsurprisingly I didn't do well at school and had a tough time in my teens. They were / are reasonably wealthy so I never went hungry or lacked "things", but there was no love or affection and no physical contact ever. As an adult I drifted apart from them and experienced a great many MH difficulties etc.

In recent years (now 42) I have been through therapy and come through the other side. Now happily engaged. Meanwhile I got to a place where the relationship with my parents was better, helped by my work in therapy. I could manage myself better and learned that I am not responsible for their behaviour. By no means is our relationship close or loving now, but it is polite and respectful and looking forward I am accepting that they will never be the loving parents I dreamed of but I am happy if we can rub along okay. This is the best I can hope for.

Last year out of the blue my parents offered to contribute financially towards my wedding as my fiancé and I had delayed it to have time to save up. I was surprised, but they said as they are very traditional they had felt it was their duty as the bride's parents. Initially I declined their offer, as I felt uncomfortable about it. However my sister, and my fiancé both felt I ought to accept the offer. My sister said after all they had put me through I might as well accept as they had made the offer, it would make them and me happy, and they could afford it. My fiancé was wonderful and didn't pressure me either way but I could tell he was keen to take the pressure of us financially. I discussed it with my therapist also and he felt this might be my parents way of showing love in a weird sort of way. So to cut a long story short in the end it was agreed I would accept the offer but mark out some firm boundaries. I explained to my parents that I did not want a traditional wedding, and although I was grateful for their offer I did not want their involvement in the planning (I worded it much more politely than that but that's what I said in essence). I said this was the reason I wasn't comfortable about accepting their offer as I didn't want to feel obligated to them or that i had to involve them in any decision making. My parents said they understood that am very independent and that they would not expect to have a say in the wedding planning. And so it was agreed on that basis.

Fast forward a year and my Mum and Dad have said that if their names do not appear on the invitations they will be upset.... (They have also started making their thoughts known about some of the guest list, what to wear and where to stay on the wedding night etc). I have already explained this is a modern wedding. We are not having traditional formalities, (getting married on a beach in casual clothes) so no father of the bride speeches or being given away. The invitations will be in keeping with this and fairly modern and simple. I don't want the wording to say my parents are the hosts and I'm not interested in those traditions. I realise that they have financially contributed, but given the context, and the agreement we had I feel I am justified. There is a big part of me that feels they are crossing boundaries and that I need to put my foot down. However, as ever they have also managed to install shame in me. They always controlled me as a child and I feel this is what they are trying to do now.

Although it would normally be tradition to include the bride's parents' names on the invite, am I justified in not doing so on this occasion?

your wedding, your rules - that was the basis on which you accepted their offer.

Stick to your plans, it will be very freeing in the long run to have enforced some boundaries. Congratulations on the wedding.

your wedding and if they want to be upset then,... they'll be upset

You were upfront with them but maybe they expected to be publicly acknowledged.
Were you planning on thanking them in a speech at the wedding? If so, maybe tell them that so they can get their bit of limelight.
Do your wedding your way. You'll regret it if you don't.

I get what you're saying but if they're paying for it in a way they are hosting it. Is there some way you can compromise? Eg you make a short speech of thanks after the ceremony and propose a toast to them?

Have you got the money from them? If so, ignore them. If you haven't, then I would get it from them or start planning your wedding without a contribution. This is what happens with toxic people. They always think they can barter their way to their preferred outcome. You need to be really firm now. Good luck!

I think you need to firmly remind them what was agreed upon. Ask them if they have changed their minds and would like their money back.

obviously you then have to be prepared to give it back and go back to your original plan

You don't have to give the money back. If you have it, you stick to the plan that they are now trying to change.

I think it is very old fashioned to have the invites come from your parents. Even if i paid my my DDs weddings i wold no want them to do this (unless it is what they wanted). It is your wedding and should be exactly as you want it.

If you can afford to i would suggest to them that as their gift of money appears to have strings attached then you no longer wish to accept it.

Frank conversation time?

"I understand that you'd like those things as they are traditional, but I feel like I made it very clear at the outset that I wasn't keen on accepting any gifts of money from family as I didn't want the 'say' that often goes with them. You said you didn't want a 'say' and just wanted to help us out. Or at least that's the impression I got. If you've changed your mind then we need to talk about how I will pay you back, as my wedding plans really aren't up for negotiation at this point. I'm sorry if that's disappointing but this wedding is very important to fiance and me".

what @SleepWarrior said

I know it's a compromise but how would you feel about something along the lines of "Warwick and DP, along with their families would like to invite..."?

Don't compromise. People who are advising that know nothing about toxic families.

I have an unreal amount of parents, stepparents, in laws etc. Most contributed to our wedding so we worded it as ‘Jane and Freddie, together with their families, would like to invite you to their wedding’

Would this be better then it’s not so old fashioned?

Ahhh exactly the same thing with my childhood/wedding/parents. I kept the money and stuck to original plans. Wedding was lovely but definitely not worth the endless drama I had to put up with from my mum. It started with the invitations but escalated... at one point she called a couple of vendors and cancelled them, fortunately they had the good sense to call me to check. My mum is nuts though, yours might not be so bad.

Incidentally, a few months later she invited us to a party at the same venue. It was basically the wedding I'd refused to have that she had wanted - her choice of food/entertainment etc. She even wore the same outfit that she'd worn to my wedding and had my dad do a speech all about her . I have no idea how he puts up with her.

Best of luck and congrats on your engagement.

Usually I’d be the staunchest advocate if doing what you want and screw tradition. In this case though it does seem a bit precious to insist on not mentioning them on the invites - the phrasing basically just indicates who has contributed, so it seems a bit shitty to deny them that if they want it (I wouldn’t have assumed it went against your conditions). It comes across as you not wanting to know they’ve contributed which I can imagine feeling a bit shit for them.

I wouldn’t allow them to make any other decisions though- but no harm in just doing a ‘mmm, sounds interesting’ and ‘that’s lovely but I’ve picked the flowers already, I’m going with pink’ or whatever. Them making nice suggestions doesn’t seem unfair as long as they don’t demand that you go along with them.

But yes, I’d allow them their names on the invites (I mean, it’s the tiniest detail, shouldn’t be a huge issue) as a thank you for the thousands they’re giving you. It doesn’t sound like they’re actually expecting anything further.

Personally I would save my arguments and firm stance for something for important than the name on the invite. If you compromise on that (which really means nothing in truth) then you have leverage for any further disagreements.
Hope the rest of your plans and the wedding day goes well OP.

Your therapist is naive or an idiot. Your parents gave the money so they can get what they want. They use it for control. Give them the money back. The strings that come with it, make it not worth the pain. My wedding was ruined by both sets of abusive parents.

I am usually an advocate of going along to get along, but in this case i absolutely would not name them as hosts. It's much more unusual than ot used to be and for good reason. If you are the host of a party then what you say goes. I think yiu'd have every right to take the money and stand your ground, but imo they will make you pay some other way. Give it back and sxale down your plans if you can.

Don't compromise. Explain to them that you want to do your wedding your way, and ask if they are still able to respect that decision or whether they would like the money back. Be prepared to give the money back if necessary.

If you do use their money, be sure to thank them in your speech.

On our invitations, we had:

"Together with their families, Ethel and Romeo invite you to join them at the celebration of their marriage."

Both families have contributed financially.