Do we just have to let people waste money or...

[WhyAreWeddingsSoAwks]

Ok bear with me cringe

I’m getting married in Nov and me and Fiancé have said between us that we really don’t expect anyone to give us any kind of wedding gifts. (We’re 33 and 36 and to us this seems significant as we obviously won’t need any toasters or crystal flutes lol)

He says we should make it clear anyway that people who really insist on giving a gift (he thinks his older relatives will be like this) could contribute a token towards a piece of artwork we would love for our house...

His view is that it’s better than letting people who insist wasting their money on stuff we might not like or need. He thinks it would be simple for me to let the guests know about this.

Basically I’m asking because although it sort of seems sensible it is also setting off my cringe alarms quite badly

What do you think?

I think this is fine and in the real world I think most people think it is fine.

On Mumsnet you will get lots of people tell you that this is the most vulgar and grabby thing you could ever possibly do, ever.

Yeah, I agree with LoveInTokyo

Mumsnet hates it but it’s a perfectly fine thing to do. We told everyone to please not give us anything as most of our family had travelled overseas to our wedding - we got a few meaning things that we love from people we were very close to. Our local friends however were not satisfied with this arrangement (they were used to the Chinese tradition of Ang Pow - monetary gifts) and one of them organised a collection. We were really touched and spent it on two stunningly beautiful pieces of local artwork that will always remind us of our time overseas and the friends we made there.
Perhaps for people who give money your thank you cards could include a photo of the artwork so they see that it’s been spent on something special and lasting - not just disappeared into household bills.

Thanks guys!!! Not the response I was expecting actually but very happy you all helped

Absolutely fine. We did similar.

We were very clear that we wanted no gifts, both on the invitation and in person when we spoke to people. We also said we did not want money.

The vast majority of our guests took this on board and didn't get us anything at all other than a card, which we were really happy with!

Our reasoning was that most people stayed overnight at our venue and therefore that was their gift to us.

I too hate the idea of people wasting money on tat I think if I ever get married it will be a small wedding and I would just verbally tell people that we really aren't interested in gifts and just want them to share our day with us. I'm of the opinion that I would happily go off and get married without anybody attending though

We didn’t put anything about gifts in our invitations. Some people asked and when pushed we asked for vouchers. Other people mostly gave us money and we had a few gifts

We did this, had a charity to donate to instead if people wanted. Still got a couple of nice bits of homeware which was fine.
At their wedding my friends asked that instead of presents that you made arrangements to visit for the weekend which I thought was great. You'll have to put something about it on the invitations otherwise people will call up and ask!

We were in our thirties but so many people asked our DM what we wantedliked that she sat me down in tears (I couldnt, COULDN'T ask 100 people to give me something) to write a few guidelines: think pink preferred rather than blue, antique or modern.

Some people gave us money which was fine because I had an enormous move to join DH and some people gave us stuff, also fine because some was practical which we could add to and some was antique and came with beautiful notes about the history.

The only duplicate was two canteens of cutlery which came from two women (well, families) who are great friends. DM's greatest disappointment was that she couldn't be a fly on the wall the next time those two got together and discovered they each gave the same thing! There is nothing wrong with a little humour.

If I understood you correctly, I think the artwork contribution is a bad idea. The traditional older-generation relatives who are likely to ignore the "no gifts please" are also unfortunately the same group to be most offended by the "please give us money for X purpose" request.

Basically, you are right and your fiancé has it wrong.

You may well be surprised, they may well give you cash in any case but being asked to is likely to deliver the opposite result. If they don't want to listen to "no gifts please", they probably don't want any other guidance or request either.

Best of luck.

You may well be surprised, they may well give you cash in any case but being asked to is likely to deliver the opposite result. If they don't want to listen to "no gifts please", they probably don't want any other guidance or request either.

See, I think this is rude in itself.

If you are determined to give someone a gift that you think they should want, rather than what they have said they actually want, why give a gift at all? You're making it about you rather than about them, and you're also probably wasting your money and giving them a white elephant that they will have to either endure or somehow politely dispose of.

My parents got given some right old shit as wedding presents and these ugly ornaments are still gracing the bookshelves nearly 40 years later because my mum thinks it's rude/bad luck to get rid of something you have been given as a present.

We asked for no gifts and people struggled but we made it clear xx

Our god daughter asked for no gifts but a donation to a charity in their name.
She's very ungreedy and I knew she had always wanted a Persian rug.
I gave her one (she chose it) and apologised for going against her instructions. No other guest knew.

mayhew

If you know the person well enough and want to give them something you know they want then I think that's different and not rude at all.

My friends did the same, in the invite they included a poem they found on the internet so it wasn't just saying give money for a wedding present, it was done in a nicer non-grabby way

I wouldn't do a poem.

Don't do poem
We asked for presence not presents lol

Oh good god don’t do a poem. I really don’t understand people’s issue with ‘no gifts’. If I received an invite specificying no gifts, I wouldn’t get a gift! I wouldn’t give money either. Can’t people just accept invitations that say that?

I went to a wedding where the invitation said "no gifts". Other people clearly brought gifts and then I felt bad.

Aghhhh the poems. I can’t handle them. Aren’t there some threads with the worst examples on?

I've been to loads of weddings asking for contributions rather than gifts they don't want... nobody has ever said a thing! I think you shouldn't worry at all, it's more more commonplace nowadays!

I think it's fine to say something along the lines of, "If you would like to give a gift, a small contribution towards X would be much appreciated. However, we know that the cost of travelling and staying over can really add up, so please do not feel obliged to give us anything. Having you there to celebrate with us is the most important thing!"

I’m always happy when someone specifies what they want rather than leaving me to guess.

Normally id say it's fine, however remember that most people see wedding gifts as things for setting up your home, so while they'd be happy to give money or gift vouchers for a particular shop as you plan to buy a dining table or white goods, a piece of art might seem as not a suitable wedding gift.

I would say nothing in the invites, if pushed say money or vouchers for somewhere like John Lewis (as you will at some point need something like new curtains or bedlinen). Money for art seems not a suitable wedding gift for traditional people, and others would happily just give money if that's what you want.