Best friend misses my wedding

[nzjul18]

I recently got married. I had a close friend (who I am not so sure is a close friend any longer) who got married about six months before I did. I was one of her bridesmaids at her wedding. I actually got engaged before her so I gave her about a year and a half’s notice regarding my wedding. She told me she wouldn’t be coming as she was going travelling (which later as events transpired ended up being her 4 month honeymoon). Can I just highlight at this point that she didn’t book anything for the trip until about three weeks before her departure date (which was about three months before my wedding). I thought at that time that she may change her mind and come because I was her best friend and money isn’t an issue for her- I thought she would want to be there on my big day. Anyway, time passed she got engaged and I was her bridesmaid. I thought after me being her bridesmaid she would most certainly attend my wedding. After all, I had helped plan her hen party, I had been her bridesmaid and I had given her a very generous wedding present. But she didn’t come to my wedding or make any sort of attempt to be there. I hadn’t asked her to be my bridesmaid because she had told me she couldn’t come and I have two sisters but I’ve been really hurt by this. I have another good friend who I confided to about the hurt I was feeling and I told her that I wanted to discuss the situation with the friend in question when she came home. That friend told the friend in question that I had been discussing this situation with her and I got an angry text from the friend in question saying she wanted to meet up with me so I could explain myself. As I was away on my honeymoon, I stated that I had wanted to discuss this situation with her in person when I got home. She then accused me of being deceitful and stated that weddings aren’t a priority for her. She was pretty nasty in the texts and I’m wondering is this someone worth hanging onto? I feel like the friendship is very one-sided and she is quite selfish and perhaps lacks insight into her behaviour. I also feel like the group of three friends is now falling apart- help!

Well maybe she is selfish, but she did tell you she wouldn't be coming. I suppose in an ideal world she would have seen how much it meant to you but in reality a lot of people are quite bad at noticing the feelings of others. And you were warned!

I think she was very clear with you from the beginning that she wouldn't be attending your wedding. You were perhaps hoping for too much expecting her to change her plans and attend your wedding when she'd already said she couldn't attend.

But it sounds like she could have changed her plans quite easily and made an effort to attend, and there was certainly no need for her to send such a horrible text during your honeymoon and say your wedding wasn't a priority for her when you'd been such a big part of hers.

I would probably be rethinking my friendship with someone like that.

OP, did you know for the whole year and a half that she wasn't coming? Yet you decided to tackle her about it after the event and speak to someone else about it first? It sounds more like you've dropped her than the other way around, because she didn't think there was a problem until the third friend told her you'd complained (and I'd have to ask at this point, why do you think the third friend would do that?).

To come to your wedding she'd have had to delay her departure by three months.

To come to your wedding she'd have had to delay her departure by three months.

Well, yes.

But if I'm reading the timeline correctly, the friend went on her four month honeymoon three months after her wedding and 15 months after she knew the date of the OP's wedding, and booked everything at the last minute.

If she'd gone on her honeymoon straight after her wedding, she'd have been back in time for the OP's wedding. If she'd delayed her honeymoon for three months, she could have attended the OP's wedding first. If she'd gone away for three months rather than four, she could have been back in time for the OP's wedding.

I wouldn't rearrange or cut short a trip I'd already booked to attend a friend's wedding. But if a close friend told me 18 months in advance that she was getting married, I'd try to arrange my own travelling plans so that I wouldn't miss the wedding.

And if I really couldn't make it and then I heard from another friend that my friend was secretly disappointed, I would leave them to enjoy their honeymoon and then when they got back I would invite them out for a drink and say, "I heard on the grapevine that you're upset I didn't go to your wedding. I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, I just couldn't make the dates work. I wish you'd spoken to me about it instead of somebody else, but can we put this behind us?"

But that's just me.

Drop holiday friend and drop gossipy friend.

Hi,

Thanks for your thoughts guys. SadditudeandSparkle just to clarify, she was coming home only a few weeks after my wedding for good. So she could either have just cut her trip slightly short or flew in for my wedding and went on her trip again. And to be honest, the hurt didn’t really set in until I had reflected on being a bridesmaid at her wedding. Then it stung that she wasn’t coming. So I wasn’t being fake for a year and a half- also who wants to beg a best friend to come to your wedding- it’s not really what you should expect you have to do is it? Also, I wanted to speak to her in person about the issue. I only confided in a close friend because I was hurting and wanted someone to talk to and I told that friend that I wanted to speak to the friend in question honestly and in person- and she was still away at that point. But yes maybe I do expect too much of people. But I’m glad that some of you see where I am coming from. I suppose I just would never have done it to her which is why I’m stuggling with it. But yes definitely rethinking my friendship now. Thanks again guys. It’s good to get balanced views on the situation.

I see where you are coming from op.
Is your friend usually selfish?
As for your other friend she was wrong to tell the original friend what you had said.

That is a good question. She isn’t selfish in an obvious way but if you look back at events in light of what has happened now, her selfish traits do become apparent. She is now accusing me of being deceitful because she said that I shouldn’t have agreed to be her bridesmaid knowing that she couldn’t come to my wedding if I felt that badly about the situation. But I outlined to her that the feelings of hurt didn’t set in mostly until after her wedding and in the run up to my wedding because I was reflecting on the fact that she wouldn’t be there and I had been her bridesmaid. So I don’t feel I was being deceitful or fake and I wanted to speak to her in person about the issue when she got back from travelling. She has since said in texts that weddings aren’t a priority for her. But yes reading her texts back I do think she is selfish because she is trying to blame me for everything instead of taking responsibility for her actions. It’s like she has no insight into her behaviour.

Stop texting about it - it is a horrible medium in which to try and sort out a misunderstanding and soothe hurt feelings.

Plus, it all sounds like a bit of a storm in a teacup. She wanted to go away for 4 months (perhaps there were work limitations on when she or her DH could take the time, perhaps there is stuff in her life such as pregnancy loss which delayed their plans, who knows what). She didn't go to your wedding, lots of other people did, you had a fab day and are now married to the man you love but you are letting this make you unhappy. Time to move on now.

Agree. Stop texting.

Gossipy friend should have kept her mouth shut. If there are three of you in the group maybe she wanted to stir trouble?

Your friend presumably doesn't have just three things in her life to sort out logistics for - her wedding, your wedding and her 4 month trip.

Her work. Her dps work. Families. Best times to travel to various countries. She had her timings and it meant she would not be in the country for your wedding. She told you this. Regardless if whether she'd actually booked the holiday then or not.

If there had been 3 years between your weddings, either way, would you be so upset?

For such a long honeymoon I'm guessing either she or her fiancé or both of them had to time it carefully with other commitments including work schedules, perhaps timing it for when a contract ended? And perhaps didn't book until near the time due to saving up?

Plus I'm surprised nobody's reminded you that an invitation to your wedding is not a summons, you can't demand attendance, and that your wedding is important to you but not necessarily others, also that you can't buy/oblige/guilt someone into attending (all the stuff about what you did for her wedding "generous gift" etc - you don't give to receive)

Hi. Many thanks for the comments. I agree completely. As I said she texted me about it and I outlined that I wanted to talk about it in person not text about it so we are no longer texting- I never wanted to discuss it over text anyway. Graphista I think you may have got the wrong end of the stick- I had no intention and never guilted anyone into coming to my wedding. I was comply trying to outline how close a friend this girl is to me and I think the fact that I was her bridesmaid shows that. Also, my friend and I are in the same profession. So I am completely aware of her work commitments and her and her husband effectively just quit their jobs for four months and had jobs starting for when they came back- the process of sorting our time off work wasn’t actually complex at all and as I said I know that because I am in the same job. Wafflyversatile thanks for raising the issue of the third friend. This is a bit of a problem. As we were three best friends but quite honestly I don’t think I can trust either of them now. PT, I am not usually a dramatic person at all and I have never actually posted on one of these sites before and I agree that you could call this a ‘storm in a teacup’ but ultimately I was at both of these friends weddings and I have always supported them and I have recently found out that they have been talking about me behind my back for almost a year. I suppose it really just depends on the tolerance I have for how selfish some people can be. There were other people that couldn’t make my wedding and I wasn’t annoyed because they weren’t close to me. But I am sure you can appreciate that if someone doesn’t make an effort to come despite being given a lot of notice it is hurtful. Obviously if illness or money or something was an issue I would have been completely understanding but her hostile texts have made me reevaluate the friendship massively. Thanks for the help everyone.

I think it's a bit off that she is so blasé about it all.

If my friends couldn't go ( and knew well in advance) they would certainly be massively apologetic, try to be involved with whatever they could and probably do something to compensate. It's just the nature of friendship. You want your friends to be happy and respect the friendship. So even if something isn't important to her ( which seems improbable since she wanted you as a bridesmaid) she should appreciate its importance to other people ie.you.

Yeah no I completely agree with you SWBV. But I suppose that is life. You win some you lose some. I would certainly never treat a best friend that way. But maybe these events are meant to happen so we can see who our true friends are. Anyway, thanks for all the advice everyone. Much appreciated. I think moving forward I’m going to be civil but I don’t think our friendship will ever be the same again. Thanks again everyone.