MOH problem

[Sorryforthechange123]

Hello,

I was hoping you will help me manage upcoming drama.

I've asked my sister to be my MOH shortly after I got engaged. It seemed to me like an obvious, natural thing to do. I have a lot of amazing friends, but it just was a no-brainer.

I was hoping she will be excited, happy for me and help me plan the wedding (abroad, in my home country).

The reality is somewhat different and disappointing...

I've mentioned my wedding to my MOH so far three times.

Once, I've asked if she knows any good venues, as I wanted her to feel involved and thought it would be a good start of a "wedding-related" conversation. She didn't really engage in the conversation and said she's too busy.

Second time, I've offered to babysit her child for a night while we are in my home country to look at wedding venues with H2B. She wasn't happy we only offered one night and generally didn't reply.

Third time, I've sent her a photo of my dress on which she simply commented that I am a "bridezilla".

I don't know where her attitude comes from and I fully understand if she doesn't want to be involved. I don't expect any help from her side, as long as she shows up to my big day and is there by my side.

The problem is I don't know how to solve little things like - dresses, hen do. Things that I feel she should be a part of but I have a feeling she doesn't want to and, to put it bluntly, she would laugh off and kill my spirit.

I know she wouldn't want to wear a "bridesmaid" dress or wouldn't want to take part in a hen do planning or the event itself. To be honest, I am even scared to mention it to her.

How do I solve this? Do I include her in the bridesmaids chat? I'm worried if I won't she will feel excluded, but a part of me says that if I do, she will just mock it... And I don't want any bad energy or mockery around my wedding. I have amazing supportive friends and generally I am very lucky with people I am surrounded with.

Simply, I just don't know what to do?... I even sometimes start to think that maybe I am a bridezilla?...

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I'd be tempted to say to her, 'I get the impression you are reluctant to get involved with my wedding and I find this quite hurtful. Would you prefer me to ask someone else to be my MoH instead so that you can just be a guest?'

Put her on the spot. She sounds bloody rude tbh.

Agree with the above poster.

Don’t know what her problem is but it sounds like she can’t be bothered. As her what’s wrong and if she wants to be part of the big day. If not, find a friend who will support you and share your excitement.

wierd... is she already married? If so, how were you involved? If not, do you think it might be a sore point?
Who is older?
Just trying to get an idea of the dynamic!

I posted a similar issue a few months ago!! I sat down with my MOH over a coffee and very openly said that I was excited for the wedding and excited for her to be a part of it yet I didn't feel like she wanted to be involved - told her I wanted to be open with her and not put her under any pressure she didn't want to be under or in a position she didn't want to be. You can't hide from it, and don't be scared. Ultimately I didn't want to lose my MOH as one of my closest friends over a wedding - that's what You've got to focus on and remind her of if she gets feisty.

I have had this with one of my BM’s. Thought I was being as relaxed and undemanding as possible, to only get “bridezilla” joked at me if I even mentioned the wedding (when they could choose own dress, no obligations or duties). I think it’s best to think, it’s not you it’s them! My BM then admitted to being pretty worry about getting proposed to etc so it was hard for her to straightforwardly be happy for me.
Good luck!

She's not married but has a long time partner. She's much older too. I had a theory she might be jealous but that just seems very silly and unreasonable.

I'm worried that "sitting down" and discussing it will open a whole new can of worms but maybe that's the only way to do it?...

For now, I'm avoiding any wedding related chat as I don't want to be called a "bridezilla" again...

Clearly she not interested but you do need to find out why otherwise whatever the problem is will only get worse.

How's her marriage? Is it money issues? Was her day quite small compared to your designation wedding?

I wouldn't go in all hurt. She sounds quite fed up with you and the " poor me" thing will make her crosser. Just apologise for whatever it is and how can you help her be part of your day. Definitely tell her she doesn't need to be MOH and can be there in whatever capacity she is comfortable with.

Crossed post.
Maybe she does want the big day - that's not silly or unreasonable. Especially if it's her DP whose unwilling to propose. If it's jealously I don't think there's much you can do. Don't expect her to be excited for you though. Really sorry. Sad situation for you both.

Appoint a 2nd MOH to be your venue-finding and dress-shopping and general planning buddy. Let your sister be MOH for the ceremony in terms of treating her as equally honoured as the helpful MOH but she clearly doesn't want to be involved in the preparation. Fair enough. Don't involve her.

Don't sack her as MOH though - for the sake of good sisterly relationships.

Maybe straight forwardly say that you were a little hurt to be called a bridezilla, even if it was a joke (great joke..!) but you really value her help and input. Then she really should pull her socks up.. if she doesn’t what a knob!

Genuinely, I want her to be as comfortable as she possibly can be and only to support me in a way she finds herself capable of.

The dilemma I have is do I involve her? Do I not involve her? I feel judged and laughed at when I try to involve her, but I'm also worried she might be upset if I don't. Should I leave it to her to show interest in her own capacity/time?

Cross post! I think you need to bring it up if you want to involve her in the wedding

Howabout you ask her in a neutral way (no implying that there is a correct answer) to tell you what level of involvement she wants - she may honestly want nothing to do with the planning. She may want to only be there to help make final decisions towards the end of the process - there's a world of difference between "I have done all the research and these are my top favourite venues - A has this advantage & disadvantage, B has that advantage & disadvantage - what do you think?" As opposed to "Do you know any good venues?" which could be taken to mean "please do loads of research to find some good venues for me" which is a lot more demanding.