Getting bridesmaid to cooperate without being bridezilla

[thecatsthecats]

Hello lovely folks.

I am planning a fairly chilled, DIY type wedding in November. Sister and two friends as bridesmaids.

I am not especially fussy about most things, especially for other people. I think I'm being fair to generous to bridesmaids - paying for all accommodation for them and spouses, paying for dresses and hair (they can choose hair) and they can use whatever makeup they want. There's a free bar and food all weekend at the wedding. The hen do is purposefully unextravagant. Sister and bridesmaid 1 very helpful, proactive, and more than happy to do anything they can, and understand I'm not interested in looking at shoes all the time etc.

Bridesmaid 2... arrrrrrrrrgh!

ALL I have asked is that the dress she chooses is a) within budget of £100, b) a combination of two colours, and c) not a close match to the look of the wedding dress. There are honestly hundreds of options. Other two have excelled themselves and only spent about £70 between them.

So far she has:

• suggested dresses over £100
• suggested dresses in the wrong colours
• actually tried to go ahead and buy a dress that looks almost identical to the wedding dress
• for a Brucie bonus, makes non-commitally non-negative but undermining comments about my own dress choices, e.g. 'I'm not sure I would wear THAT on my wedding day'

Now with the latter, I know she's trying to give me constructive and tactful advice - but tbh, I feel like she should know I don't give a stuff, just want to wear something I deem fabulous, and should cheerlead that decision!

Please help me breathe through this, as I'm running out of tactful things to say in response to her suggestions, and am spending the weekend with her.

Haha oh dear...
Perhaps you should sit herdown and tell her very kindly that you've noticed her being very negative etc. and if she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid that's ok, and you won't hold it against her etc...
She might not really want to, or she may not realise how it looks to you!

I don't think she'll see herself as being negative, bless her. A quirk of her personality (amongst many many many lovely things) is that she has difficulty with imagining people making different choices from her.

She said her own parents were 'weird' for not having cocktail parties, she will rearrange my kitchen cupboards to a 'better' arrangement.

It's honestly a kook of hers that she can't see how other's choices are different. She's not thinking 'what dress will fit in the bloody broad spectrum cats has given me', she's more thinking 'ooh, lovely dress for me'! I did um and ahh about choosing her with my sister because I, who persuaded me to have her (and I did because I love her).

But arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. I've read advice in similar dress situations that I should just pick a dress for her, but that feels a bit arsehole-ish after the others have had free choice. And she did offer to pay for the dress herself.

Since your sister persuaded you to have her, she can go dress shopping with her - i.e. pick the dress!

The other stuff just call her out every time if it's hurtful.

Could you give her a short list of suitable dresses, and tell her to choose one of them, and say it is because you don’t want her to have to spend too much time looking for dresses, @thecatsthecats?

I'd sack her off as a bridesmaid.

If you really can't bear to do that agree on either buying her dress or accompanied shopping trip. Put her firmly in her place when she makes unhelpful comments. Sounds like she's used to you letting her push you around.

I let my bridesmaids chose their own, thinking I was doing them a favour and it was APITA,. After four months I just had to politely chose for them.
You're buying so there is no issue. Pick two for her that fir with the other bridesmaids and let her chose from them. Blame it on the other two haven chosen first and that the look is now dictated by their choices.

Oh I would just pick your favourite of the other two dresses and make her wear it.

Give her a date she needs to be organised by, if she can't do it tell her you will have to ask someone who can.
Say 1/7 so you can relax and enjoy the summer knowing you are organised.

Mook - my sister would willingly take the hit (funnily enough I did the same for her with her awkward bridesmaid), but she's pregnant and getting pregnanter by the day, and moving house, and they live far apart! I might get her to work something into the bridesmaidy Skype chats though, and talk to my other friend about it.

Sparkle - with respect, I don't see how she pushes me around? I have changed literally no decisions because of her? She just winds me up!

I think I'll find up to three options and say pick from those. I'm just going to cry off doing any this weekend, because we haven't even got a caterer yet. For now I'll just say that we're a bit overwhelmed with wedding decisions - which is true! - and I want to put the dress on the back burner a bit.