One child invited...another not...

[Melody321]

We are going to a wedding which was no children. However, the bride who is godparent to our 4 year old has asked him to be page boy but asked us to not bring our 18 month old.
I have found loads of threads on children vs no children and was happy to not take either child but now feel torn.
What are people's thoughts?
Wedding is 2 hours away and will require an overnight stay. It will be the second time I leave 18 month old - the first time will be with my dh when I go to hen do.

Actually, we try to avoid weddings so probably just would not go. They are too much faff.

I had a similar situation once with ex SILs wedding where youngest and eldest child were both invited but middle child wasn't It was a restriction imposed by the venue (only dcs under 12 months or over 12 allowed) but even so, it made it very difficult to tell my 5 year old dd that she couldn't go to her aunt's wedding and her db and ds could 😱

We didn't go in the end. Caused all sorts of hassle with the family 🤷‍♀️

I don't see the problem.

She's asked your 4 year old to be a page boy because she's his godparent.

Other than children in the wedding, children are not invited.

18 month olds are not babies. They are toddlers. And a pain at weddings, frankly.

Leave the 18 year old with someone the 18 months old will have fun with and be well looked after by (much more fun than a wedding for them, frankly),and say yes or no to the page boy invitation. I'd be inclined to say no, tbh, and go for a childfree evening myself rather than wrangling my 4 year old at a wedding when I've got babysitting coverage somewhere for my other one.

And stop looking for offence in every corner. This is standard wedding practice for a lot of people: only children of bridal party invited, and babes in arms.

I totally understand your feelings about this. I would feel a little hurt and annoyed.

You could look for all of the positives. If your 18 month old has someone she would be happy with for the day, you could use it as an opportunity to shower your 4 year old with love and attention. For a few hours he can be your sole focus without his little sister also needing you. That would only work if he wants to be a page boy and will enjoy it though.

I wouldn’t have my child used as a prop so in this case I wouldn’t go.

A 4 year old page boy is going to run out of steam pretty early on in the proceedings I would have thought. I don’t think mine would have made it through the speeches at that age, to be honest.

I think you either say no, and enjoy the weddings as grown ups, or be prepared to go home very early.

I don’t see a problem with it at all. She is having a child free wedding with her godchild as a pageboy. That seems reasonable. Your 18 month won’t care so there is no need to be hurt on her account.

However, there is nothing wrong with declining. You could leave both kids with a sitter if that’s easier.

Is your husband good friends with the bride and groom? If not how about he stays home with your daughter and you go an have a lovely night away with your son. It be great fun. Another possibility is to decline the pageboy invite and leave BOTH kids with your DH us and and go on your own. TBH that sounds like the most fun.

Thank you all so much. I really appreciate the outside perspectives; it's been good to see the different options.

Am going to have a chat with dh and then meeting with bride this week to "chat" about it. X

I know why you’re upset but if you want your children to be treated equally don’t give them different Godparents.
Of course she has a special relationship with her Godson that is why he’s invited.
Please don’t compromise your older son’s relationship with his Godmother and make him miss an opportunity like this for the sake of a child who won’t even understand. He will resent his little brother.
Who is the Godmother of the other one? I am sure there will be opportunities there for him to be treated as special. You do not need toddlers at weddings- a disaster waiting to happen. Do not look for offence where none is intended. He is not a prop he is her Godson.

Why do people keep going on about a prop. There are loads of props at weddings. Bridesmaids, flower girls, page boys, ushers, wedding favours etc, all are props. What's the problem wanting a godchild and not an annoying toddler that the op would have to look after and not enjoy the wedding? The pageboy will enjoy being one, what's the issue with that. All children don't have to come along on every trip! She isn't saying kill one, keep the other fgs!

Well thinking a wedding favour is the same as a person is kind of the problem. Nice people treat their bridesmaids and ushers etc as humans with their own needs and desires (esp because they are usually dear friends or family). Excluding all children except one who will dutifully look good on the pics is treating a person as an object.

However I see the OP is sensibly not being dramatic about the whole thing and dealing with it herself. If she didn't feel like that it wouldn't be an issue would it.

We had a similar situation. Dd invited to be bridesmaid but evening only for DS. Dd really wanted to do it and was the only child there, she was spoilt rotten and still remembers it 6 years later.
It was not local either so we had to travel ( no hotels as stayed with friends who were also invited). I didn’t mind at all as the Bride discussed it with me and everyone was happy
DS didn’t have to sit through a wedding he wasn’t interested in, him and DH did something else and had a great time
I could enjoy the wedding without worrying about DS being noisy
Dd was the centre of attention and had a brilliant day
Worked out great for us

Please don’t “Chat” with the bride and groom about allowing a toddler to go to their wedding. What if he shouts out etc. Like at a wedding I went to. Ruined the ceremony. It’s too late once they have done something to take him out , the moment has gone. We are not talking about kids being naughty just them being kids. Go without him and let his brother have moment in the sun.

I can understand how you feel, I really do. And I have children. but parents of toddlers are never really ‘present’ mentally at anything if the children are there. It’s a 24/7 with no minute of let up with a toddler and maybe the bride wants to think her guests will mingle and chat and be relaxed and enjoy each other’s company. A 4 year old is slightly easier and may play with other children with much more relaxed supervision than a 18 month old. Let’s face it, it’s hard to even have a 2 mintute conversation with someone looking after a small toddler and maybe that’s not what she wants from her wedding guests.

With a four year old in tow. Would not plan on staying late. I would stay for meal and start of the reception then leave for home at 8.30 ish. Either baby sitter or DH stays at home.

Personally I would prefer not to have an 18 month old with me as naps, tiredness and fussiness at the meal can make it stressful and unpredictable.

I think you’re looking at it the wrong way . It’s no children, but an exception for the ones extra special to her, ie her godson. She’s not ‘using him as a prop’ ffs, she’s giving him a special role.

Don't worry guys, it was made very clear 18 month old is not invited. The chat is more to clear up some initial miscommunication (it was done over text and she didn't specifically say my dd wasn't invited until I clarified) and also to explain the sort of behaviour she might experience from my 4 yo should we decide to take him. (Ironically he hates being in photos so this may put her off anyway!). Messages were not going well so I said I'd rather speak in person.
Can't remember who asked but the dds godmother is another friend from our group as with 3 close friends we decided to split them over the children so my oh could have done say too lol!

It's more that I don't feel comfortable leaving dd overnight without her brother as a familiar face. So the leaving early and driving home solution is a good one we had not thought of. Also saves some pennies!

No way would I leave one child but take another, it’s a bit mean to leave one out.

I'd say no and choose my Godparents better next time.
Who splits up a family for what should be a joyous occasion.

It’s either child free or it isn’t
She can’t have it both ways
I’d say no