Would you be offended if...

[LaurenWilkinson]

You were only invited to an evening reception at your close friend’s wedding?

To provide some perspective, we have decided for several reasons to have a very small ceremony for our family. This will be parents, siblings, a grandparent and select aunts and uncles. To be honest we’d love to have done a destination wedding but unfortunately my mum is too unwell to travel, so we figured we’d do it here in the UK but only on a small scale.

But future hubby wants to have a party to have everyone celebrate with us... so we thought we’d have a low key ceremony at 4pm for our family, followed by drinks and canapes, and then a party at 6.30-7ish for everyone else to come along and celebrate with us.

There will be no bridal party, as we don’t think it’s fair to choose some of our friends to be there for the ceremony and not others. After reading some WeddingBee forums last night it appears that some people feel it’s rude to not invite people to the whole ‘thing’ - this hadn’t occurred to me because I know I wouldn’t be offended, particularly if I knew no friends at all were invited and it’s not like I’d been singled out as not good enough.

What are your thoughts? Would you be upset if a friend of yours decided this is how they wanted their day?

That sounds absolutely fine OP. It is sensible to have the wedding you can afford and accommodate your DM's health issues.

We have been to weddings like this. One where the small family wedding was on the previous day. We weren't offended at all!

If it's explicitly just family at the ceremony then I don't see how any non-family could be offended.

I think it’s perfectly fine and I wouldn’t be offended at all (and I LOVE weddings ).
Congratulations and I hope you have a wonderful day.

It’s fine OP. I wouldn’t be offended at all.

But this is mumsnet so you will have a fair few ranting about evening invitations and b lists. I don’t know anyone in the real world who thinks like that.

I think it's fine and people shouldn't be offended, especially if it's only family at the ceremony. I've been to a similar wedding before and everyone understood the reason why the couple had made that decision.

This has really put my mind at rest - thanks so much everyone!

I looked on the WeddingBee forums A LOT when planning my wedding, and people were shouted down if they wanted to have evening only guests.

However, bear in mind that its an American website and it seems the etiquette over there is to invite everyone to the whole day, or not at all. Most havent even heard of having an evening do. Obviously they are much more commonplace here in the UK. I dont think Ive ever been to a wedding where extra people weren't invited to the evening!

So i wouldnt worry at all hope that helps!!!

The problem comes when you have ceremony, breakfast/reception, evening do, then the sorting of the guests into A and B between full invitations and evening only. Which is fine, and has always happened (eg your coworkers and more distant acquaintances are evening only so you can invite the whole badminton club) but which should not extend into your actual friendships.

Having a small private ceremony, then a reception for everyone is fine. Though of course if the service is in a church, you can't actually exclude people from attending (actually, isn't it the case that all venues have to be technically open to any member of the public?) but are any of your guests likely to be hellbent on attending what you do not invite them to?

What you suggest isn't the A and B sorting of actual friends that is pretty modern and is so often found hurtful. You are inviting everyone to the reception of your choice, which is the only one you are having.

No not at all. Sounds absolutely fine to me.

The hands down best wedding I've ever been at was like this op.

We were all very close friends and asked if it was ok to come and see them get married at church (he was happy for this but didn't want to seem cheeky by suggesting we come then clear off while immediate family went for a meal).

Our group of friends went to the ceremony, then booked a lovely restaurant where we went for a meal and a few drinks while the wedding party were elsewhere having a meal, then we all met up at the evening reception venue for a party. No speeches, no hanging around while photos were taken, just a great day! Really wish I had thought of it for my wedding.

Friends did this and most of us travelled to get to the wedding (rural Scotland and probably 70% of friends lived in London) and we still didn't mind!
We all stayed in the same couple of hotels or nearby B&B, arrived the night before /that morning, nothing officially planned but everyone mooched about and got to know each other. Bride & Groom went off with immediate family for a small ceremony and we all gathered around 7pm for the reception. By then everyone was relaxed, met up with old and new friends and it was a fabulous evening.

Some friends were recently married with a very small party one day, and then had afternoon tea and a party in the village hall with everyone a week later.
A cousin of mine is doing the same thing later in the year.

I wouldn't be offended by being just invited to the evening, but people I know who have been were not offended by just being invited to the party on another day entirely!

I was only invited to the evening when my best friend got married. I must admit to being a bit upset about it as I knew that her husband-to-be had friends going, but back then he was very controlling and didn't like her having friends. He'd already decided that I was a bad influence for taking her on nights out while he was away doing his hobby.

With a wedding like yours though I wouldn't be offended at all.

We're doing the same OP. I like to think that our guests wouldn't be offended, as it's clearly nothing personal. If everyone knows beforehand that it's a family only ceremony, people really shouldn't be offended. You're still choosing to celebrate your wedding with your closet friends, so I'm sure they'll just be happy to be included.

Have a lovely day

Thanks so much everyone - wish I’d posted this question last night before I endured a sleepless night worrying about it!

I’m sure I’ll sleep much better tonight

God no, I'm doing this! 50 day guests - the only friends being Best Man and Man of Honour, and then 120 evening guests.

WeddingBee is a bit mental, they're all American, seem to spend $50,000 and have like 3 carat diamond rings that also cost $50,000.

Every single wedding I've been to has a day bit and an evening bit. The only time I was "offended" at not being invited to the day bit was when I was the only cousin to not be invited (I mean, we are the least close, but still)

I agree with @rainbowcakes - ignore weddingbee! American etiquette seems very different whereby an evening reception is the height of rudeness but asking bridesmaids to buy their own dresses is perfectly fine. It’s just a different approach.

I think it's fine - actually I think I would prefer this to sitting around all day waiting for photos etc!

You will offend someone, because that is the rule for wedding planning. Someone gets offended. But if you have one rule for family and one for friends, and don't deviate from that, no one has any cause to be offended. Think it through carefully yourselves though, before you announce it. One of the things that we struggled with was that in many cases we wanted to make exceptions for friends because they're actually closer than family. If you give in to that, you've got trouble, and if you don't, you can end up feeling cheated and resentful yourselves at not being able to do as much to involve close friends as you'd like.

Being completely honest I would be a bit sad because I love being at the ceremony and watching the words (sad old romantic!!) but I would also respect your decision and so wouldn’t be offended.

Vows not words!