AIBU? A step too far?

[rhardwick945]

Hello brides to be. I'm really hoping for an opinion from the other side of the fence... (We married last year)

Anyway, we have a wedding invitation from DHs best friend from school, who he doesn't really see anymore but, he came to our wedding and it's a nice sentiment.

However. There's a few things bugging me.

1. Children definitely not welcome
2. It's a Wednesday
3. It's about 3 hours away

I understand it's your day, but is it ok to be so unaware of your guests needs that they can't see just how difficult this makes attending? We need to take off two days holiday to attend, (they are teachers and it's half term) we need to find baby sitters for two whole days (we've never left our baby overnight before, so I also have that anxiety) if we decide to just do one day, we will have 6 hours driving which is a bit excessive.

Am I over reacting or are they being a bit unreasonable. I understand it's their day and they can do what they want, but the same thread, are they completely unaware that people have children and we cant just leave them in a play pen at home because they're getting married!

Their choice where and when they get married. Your choice not to go if too inconvenient. Only you can judge the level of inconvenience for your particular circumstances.

(In this case, I wouldn’t go).

I think with the price of weddings and the politics of organising them people just have to do what they want and fits their budget and then guests make the decision about whether they can manage it.
My attitude towards child free weddings has changed since I had a baby and realised that it’s not as simple as just getting a babysitter though

It's an invitation not a summons, someone getting married can do it however they like, however if it's a strange time/abroad/really expensive etc etc then the person getting married has to gracefullly accept that people will be less likely to attend.
Just send a polite decline, personally I wouldn't want to go.

They’re having the wedding they want. Go if you want to, don’t go if you don’t want to. No one is being unreasonable unless they’re forcing you to go.

Not unreasonable, so long as they are gracious when people decide that they can't attend. If you want to go, could you take baby with you, stay at/close to the venue and get a babysitter for the actual wedding. We did this and it worked brilliantly, we popped back to the room to do bedtime and enjoyed a night of dancing, knowing that the baby was nearby.

Personally i don't think three hours drive is a deal breaker but then i am in Australia and distance here given where we live is a normal thing. My Dc's are four hours drive away so i have done eight hours in one day many times. Not a big deal for me. If you don't want to go don't. The no kids thing again i don't see as an issue it's their wedding after all.

We had a Thursday wedding about 4 hours from where we live. We only invited very close friends and family so they were all happy to travel and we paid for everyone's accommodation and food etc for the whole time they were there. We only had 15 guests though!

We would have been more than content with people if they hadn't wanted to come though, just say no. If you arrange an awkward wedding then you expect some people won't come.

@rhardwick945

I wouldn't go. Add up the cost of the two night stay plus 2 days holiday for both of you and the 3 hour drive, all for somebody you hardly see?! Mental right! Wish the guy well and book a little family break for you all. Go make some memories off the back off this scenario. 😊

They are not being in the least unreasonable
They choose the wedding they want, not based on where you live and the hours you work.

And it is an invitation, not a summons! All you have to do is decline.

You're trying to fit your situation into their situation almost like trying to fit your square peg into a round hole. It doesn't fit. This wedding scenario just doesn't suit you, it doesn't work for you and that's why it's not sitting well with you.

So figuring out whether you're being unreasonable is like arguing why the shape doesn't fit? So futile!

We were invited to something very similar pre-children. Children were very welcome and there was childcare provided.
They were very wealthy though so the Wednesday bit was odd like they didn't want people to go - but then they were annoyed people didn't come?

It was also.... a dry wedding ... urgh

Didn't go - it would have been 3 days holiday for us, just not worth it.

Go or don't go but let them have their day the way they want it.
You will probably find as teachers a lot of their friends are teachers too and that they have missed Friday weddings term time over the years.
My friend is a shift worker and from the US originally and had a weds wedding because it made most sense for o/s visitors and they had taken annual leave at weekends for plenty of weekend weddings.
Ultimately the majority of people that really want to be there will manage the logistics somehow. In your case let dh go by himself, or don't go.

I've done similar, we get married on a Thursday because of the huge discount however- we are so child friendly that we looked over the school holidays (hard because we have people coming from all over the uk)
We therefore booked it over the easter holidays and most of the children seem to be off.

I can't always get the logic of no children at a wedding. We have a daughter but have about 15 children coming and me and my daughter have had great fun doing party boxes and getting big garden games and a big pick and mix sweet table.

Yanbu, If you choose a venue away and make it childfree and make it on a wednesday I think you have to be prepared for the fact some people wont come.

It was also.... a dry wedding ... urgh.

Now that really is a step too far. Sod that! Did you sneak in your own booze?

Non Saturday weddings are a lot cheaper for the bride and groom. More expensive in terms of days off for everyone else involved. I admit to feeling peeved when invited to weddings on a Thursday, especially when we did a Saturday wedding knowing everyone would be able to come more easily and sucking up that extra cost as a result. I think if you cant afford a weekend wedding, maybe have less people and a party later or something..

I know it sounds ungrateful as an invited guest (and I have obviously declined invitations that we just can't get to) but i think its important for the b&g to be aware of what they're asking, and accept that awkward days mean fewer attending..

Hi @lowan sorry by the way i wasn't singling your post out re thursdays - that was the last weekday wedding we attended and dh was best man.

Tbh i think i was also peeved as the b&g hadn't bought us a wedding gift either.. but still im a bit of a traditionalist it turns out

That's okay, we wouldn't have done it if it wasn't school holidays, that's all. We did ask most of our guests too, especially those with children.

Plus most of our guests are nhs or military on shifts do weekends are sometimes harder for our guests and I know I sometimes pick up extra shifts at weekends due to money

i suspect they have invted a lot of people they know wont go

I'm getting married on a Thursday (we wanted a Friday or Saturday but the venue had none available in the summer) it's in the school holidays - we're not teachers but friends are and we've invited 12 kids to the wedding so wanted to make it easier on parents if they decide to come.

Everyones wedding is their own choice and i'm sure when B+G make certain decisions about it (location, day of the week, time of year etc) they appreciate not everyone may be able to come. I was a bit apprehensive about having a Thursday but nearly all our friends are shift workers or teachers so said it made no odds to them.

IMO you'll enjoy it when you get there, yes it's a pain to take time off and arrange childcare etc but it's a happy occasion. If your anxiety levels are really too high about it however just RSVP saying DH only will attend - they'll understand.

It's not unreasonable for them them to plan their wedding like that but it is unreasonable for them to expect you to attend.

I think if you were very close or family then this would be more inconsiderate but I'm sure they are aware that not everyone will be able to attend and that they have asked you being nice but will not be taken aback if you cannot attend. It would maybe be more rude not to ask you?

We had a tiny (almost secret) wedding last year and asked my Uncle and his partner even though we knew they would not be able to attend and we weren't upset that they couldn't and they were glad to at least be asked.

We have a wedding to go to on a Wednesday later this year - the groom and bride checked with the family/closest friends if they could definitely be there before they booked. It meant that they could get married this year and not for an insane amount of money. They are also having a child free wedding (apart from 2 immediate relatives). It is their choice and yes they are aware it can make attending more problematic for some and they accept that. At the end of the day a wedding isn't about all the fuss it is about 2 people making a commitment to each other, all the rest can be lovely but isn't necessary.

I think child-free is fine, entirely up to the bride and groom as long as the wedding is either short so babysitters can be found, or they don't take offence when people can't go.
Three hours away is fine. It's very unlikely that any wedding could ever be organised so that none of the guests have to travel, unless you only invite half a dozen people. We made having a "local" venue a priority, and about 40% of our guests could just get a taxi home afterwards if they wanted, but that still leaves 60% having to stay overnight. It can't be helped, if we had chosen anywhere else even more of them would have had to travel.
A Wednesday, though- no. I'm with you, I think it is unbelievably selfish to make it so that many people will have to take a day off work. Or probably two days including travelling. It's a perfect example of the b & g putting their own costs above the enjoyment of their guests and I think it's awful. If you can't afford a Saturday wedding, have a smaller, cheaper wedding. I think when you're wedding planning you should approach it from the angle of, what if guests had to do this for four weddings this year? Would it still be a fun thing they looked forward to, or would it be an expensive ballache that meant they had to sacrifice something else? And if the latter, something has to change. It's the wedding of YOUR lifetime, and maybe your Mum's. Not anyone else's. Not even your bridesmaids. It is just a party for them, and that's how it should be.

We are having a midweek wedding with the view that if you don't want to take a day off to see us getting married then why have we even invited you to begin with?

IMO my guests should be able to understand that the day isn't about them but about us getting married and if that means having the day we want midweek because 1) it's a special date for us and 2) it's half the price so we can have a honeymoon then they should understand that. If they can't then they are either a) selfish or b) not important to us.

As for kids, depends on the atmosphere they want. We are having kids at ours because we have them ourselves and we love the kids being around causing havoc.

However, the bride and groom wish there to be no kids then they expect you to be able to source childcare whether they stay with another family member, a friend or with a one off child minder.