Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Weddings

Chat to other Mumsnetters on our Wedding forum.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Uninvited guest- AIBU

67 replies

Scoobsmum · 05/01/2018 23:38

My bridesmaid has given all the info regarding my wedding abroad to her mum who has now booked flights and accommodation in the wedding city. Her mum was never invited to the wedding which I pointed out at the time she booked the flights. My BM is now putting pressure on me to let her mum come as she will be left alone during the wedding. AIBU not to give in and let her come? I barely know the mum and feel I'm being bullied and emotionally blackmailed by my BM.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 06/01/2018 00:32

You do realise she'll turn up anyway if you still have her daughter as BM...

BenLui · 06/01/2018 00:32

A grown woman can’t spend a day alone in a holiday destination?

Why on earth not?

Presumably your BM exptects you to feed and water her mother too?

Original poster

Scoobsmum · 06/01/2018 00:36

NoMudNoLotus thats exactly what im afraid of. I already feel differently about my BM and wonder if the friendship is sustainable after this. She has already distanced herself from bridesmaids WhatsApp chat which is totally out of character as she's a social butterfly so I feel like she's holding back till she gets her way with her mum. I'm really sad about it but I would feel worse if I let myself get pushed around on what shoud be MY day!

OP posts:

NoMudNoLotus · 06/01/2018 00:42

@Scoobsmum you would feel so much worse.

This is such a special time for you - i really wonder whether this is the right BM for you or whether to let her go - because in all honesty part of her role is ensuring that your happiness is at the centre of all this - and that doesnt seem to be happening.

BM really shouldnt be causing you any grief or hassle - she is being incredibly selfish and im angry on your behalf !

Fishface77 · 06/01/2018 00:44

Say to your BM that no her mum can't come and you understand if she wants to step down and not come to the wedding as she won't want to leave her mum alone.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/01/2018 00:45

That is SO rude. She is basically bullying you into accepting her mother as an extra guest by setting it up so that it makes it really hard for you to refuse.
So refuse anyway.
If her mother wants to waste her money and time flying abroad to NOT go to a wedding, then fine - but that's not YOUR problem. Your problem is that your BM is now effectively sulking to try and pressure you into accepting her mother.

At this stage, I think I would be saying that if she's that worried about her mother being on her own in said foreign city, then she can keep her mother company and not come to the wedding herself either.
Her plus one best friend, does she know anyone else at the wedding? Or would she have to pull out as well if your BM got the boot?

Jux · 06/01/2018 00:47

Of course you can say no, so do so. And change your bm and disinvite her too, get shot of the pair of them.

Original poster

Scoobsmum · 06/01/2018 00:47

SpaklyLights i agree about not making a 'thing' of it. I haven't done anything to make this happen, if my BM hadn't given her mum the wedding info and had the respect to refer her mum to me first I could have put her straight there and then and avoided this situation. I think a true friend wouldn't have put me in this position so what am I losing if I stick to my guns?

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/01/2018 00:48

She will be scared of her mother's reaction if it is a no. That's why she is pressuring you.

Get another BM to talk to your friend to find out what stunt the mad bag is likely to pull. Although, I expect she will come anyway and then start to make a huge scene if anyone tries to remove her. Her daughter will know this.

My experience of overseas weddings is that the staff are extremely good at keeping "undesirables" away from the wedding party. If you had a word with the people in charge at the venue they could make sure she never gets near you and any tantrums are well out of sight and earshot of the actual wedding.

violetbunny · 06/01/2018 00:51

Her mother can entertain herself for one day, surely? She is an adult. Presumably she is capable of being alone for less than 24 hours?

Original poster

Scoobsmum · 06/01/2018 00:51

Sorry for the typo, too many gins Sparklylights!

OP posts:

violetbunny · 06/01/2018 00:53

It sound like emotional blackmail to me. They are trying to guilt you into saying yes. Personally this would make me dig my heels in even further but then I'm stubborn like that

I would however ask yourself if you want to bend over backwards for people who would try to guilt you in this way.

Original poster

Scoobsmum · 06/01/2018 00:55

RunRabbitRunRabbit I think you have hit the nail on the head. I've seen the mum turn on a close friend of the BM which is why I'm wary of her.

OP posts:

Weezol · 06/01/2018 01:00

I agree with Fishface. It is not your job to manage the BM's relationship with her own mother.
Put your foot down now, otherwise you will spend your wedding day looking over your shoulder.

Tartyflette · 06/01/2018 01:05

She the BM's Mum sounds like a complete nightmare , exactly the type of person you do not want anywhere near your wedding. Especially as 1/you hardly know her and 2/what you do know of her you don't like.
And on top of that she has form for turning up uninvited anyway...
OP you need to be very firm then back away slowly from this pair of CFs.
Good luck and I hope your wedding day goes beautifully.

Rudi44 · 06/01/2018 01:08

Just tell her you are happy for her to bring her mum as her plus one. She then needs to figure out how to manage the situation she has got herself into

TemptressofWaikiki · 06/01/2018 01:10

Sack the BM. Don't allow that to overshadow YOUR wedding day!

Withhindsight · 06/01/2018 01:16

It's ridiculous, tell BM her mum is not invited, if she's worried about her mothers reaction there are 2 choices -1. You write/ring the mother and tell her she isn't invited, so you know she won't come ( otherwise you'll just worry until the day to see if she pitches up) or 2. If having a BM means BM plus BMMother, then BM will have to step down- either way BMMother not invited. It's your day, meet this head on and get it out of the way otherwise it will be a cloud hanging over you. You shouldn't be in this position but you are, tackle it head on and don't be pushed around, remember your wedding IS the only day where it is literally ALL about you (and DH). Good luck for your big day

Abra1de · 06/01/2018 01:18

If it’s in a Church it is theoretically a public service, open to all.

Obviously the reception isn’t.

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/apr/24/pippa-middleton-wedding-anglican-church

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/01/2018 01:22

no don't do what Rudi suggests - you don't want the bulling twat there at all!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/01/2018 01:25

I mean the mum, not the BM.

Original poster

Scoobsmum · 06/01/2018 01:26

@ThumbWitchesAbroad haha with you there... and I know (And like) the plus one best friend.

OP posts:

Original poster

Scoobsmum · 06/01/2018 01:31

Thanks to all for your comments and support. I feel better about sticking to my guns especially as some of you have given in and still regret it years later. I'm not a bridezilla but do feel that what I and my dp wants should be respected. If I can't do that on my wedding day I'm not sure when I can! Had several gins and best go to bed now before I get emotional... night all xx

OP posts:

violetbunny · 06/01/2018 01:40

Good for you, OP. But do brace yourself for the inevitable stropping / sulking which I suspect you're likely to encounter!

meandmytinfoilhat · 06/01/2018 01:56

Say no if you don't want her there.

It's rude to put you in this position.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread