Child free wedding and babies

[thecatsthecats]

Hi all,

I'm getting married this year. Yay! I'm just trying to work out how the logistics will work for our guests.

We are having a 'semi' child free wedding, in that we're hiring in a reputable creche nanny to cover the ceremony and early reception/photos bit, that parents can choose to extend to the evening if they prefer. Fine with kids in the evening, or parents ducking out/taking turns to babysit, but my fiance and I are sure we don't want them toddling around/howling during the ceremony.

However, my sister is due a couple of weeks before the wedding date. She is a bridesmaid. I am thrilled for her, and I absolutely understand that she may be in no fit state to do wedding duties, am fine with her being a guest, to being up to attending - anything really.

My plan is now this:

1. I trust my sister - if she can attend - and her husband to take their baby out if it cries, but I know newborns are mostly just asleep.
2. I would keep the creche for the four other babies attending - 6m, 22m, 16m and 11m. If the parents decided they were uncomfortable leaving their child, they could stay with the baby/visit the on site creche, but not bring them into ceremony etc. The 11m old is the Best Man's child, and I would expect that his partner (who we barely know) would stay with the baby if she wanted for the ceremony. She doesn't have a role in the ceremony. They could sort it out between themselves after the ceremony is done.
3. Any children of evening guests welcome as their parents prefer. Coincidentally, our evening guests mostly have older kids.

Originally it was going to be 2&3 only, but my sister's baby blurred the lines. I think this is still fine - thoughts?

(Baby) bump.

Have you spoken to the guests with children about the creche yet? Are you sure they'd all want to bring their babies with them?

As a parent of an older baby, I wouldn't see anything unfair on your making an exception under 1 for your sister with very newborn baby. But I also wouldn't leave my baby in a provided creche. How long is the ceremony and early reception? Depending on that I would either not go or juggle with partner. That would be my position as a random guest!

I think you're possibly over thinking it. How long is your ceremony? I've been to lots of weddings with babies and generally if they cry they get taken out, I don't think anyone would ruin your nuptials with a crying infant. Do your guests with babies know they're expected to put them in with the nanny?

I just think it's lovely you're making a creche! That would be a green light for me to get sozzled though ;-)

Thank you all for replying.

Sunday - I am glad that has been your experience. I'm afraid I have had very much the opposite - six or seven weddings of babies being ineffectually jiggled and shushed and not being able to hear a blooming thing! My fiance and I are both agreed on this (I have pointed out to him that he should have got his act together and proposed sooner, then we wouldn't have this problem!).

I've spoken to the 16m, and my sister. Both happy. Fiance would be the one to speak to the Best Man. Will speak to the other parents soon at our engagement party. The 6m old is the one with a question mark. She would be the youngest one left with the creche, and we're fond of both parents, but also realistically see them as the bigger 'shushing' risk.

The ceremony will be about half an hour, but we have some entertainment during the drinks reception/photos that isn't child-friendly. That part will last about 1 hour - I think it could easily be juggled between people? I wouldn't mind a parent choosing to stay and join the creche - it will have activities etc.

Oh, one more thing about the Best Man. He actually has two children - one with a former fiance. It's messy, through none of her fault - he cheated on her with the new woman when his older child was a few months old (pig). I have assumed she wouldn't want her little girl to be invited (we're not remotely close to her so tricky to guess), and that it would just be a pain for her to send her for the whole weekend away. Though I'm second-guessing that now!

That’s fine, family babies only, totally understandable. Just be very straightforward with best man & partner: no babies during the ceremony, obviously DSis’s is an exception, do hope you understand. You’re welcome to leave DC in crèche or stay there with him.

My DH has had to sit out weddings with our DC before when I’ve had a role in the ceremony - and usually he hasn’t known the bride or groom that well and happy to have an excuse to sit out. So perhaps best man’s partner feels similarly.

One thing - you say parents are welcome to extend the crèche to the evening, so if they want the facility it will be up to them to pay for it? Just stood out as a potential for an AIBU thread if not handled very up front and matter of fact!

Hmm, I too think you're over thinking it. I don't think anyone in their right mind would have any sort of issue with your sister bringing her newborn. I also dont think you are giving your parent guests enough credit. Most are happy to take their child out if they make a noise and you'll probably find that they position themselves at the back. Trust me, its no fun having a noisy infant in a ceremony, most parents will hottail it out asap.

Have you spoken to your guests about them leaving their babies with the nanny. I wouldn't be comfortable with that at all, as babies, neither of my children would have been happy to be left with someone they had never met, they'd have both screamed blue murder. I'd have no idea about this person, how qualified they are, their DBS status etc. I say this as a nursery practitioner.

Speak to your guests, this is one of those situations that can be easily worked around with good old fashioned communication.

I don't know... my DD is 18mo and I wouldn't leave her with some unknown creche person, me or DP would just miss the wedding and stay with her.

1 - Won't be an issue as you say, if the baby is even born, it will probably just sleep and can be taken off it if cries.
2 - Given the ages you have stated I expect most will decide to stay with the baby.
3 - Sounds reasonable.

The two I have spoken to are happy with the arrangement. I will definitely speak to each of them, and hire a qualified person, and share the details. I'm asking so I can be prepared if anyone finds it unreasonable/undesirable. There's no point hiring them or even discussing it if nobody wants the service.

Yes, the evening baby sitting would be their call, their pay. I'll speak to them about that beforehand though - bit complicated to put in writing.

I'm only going to say this once more, but loudly: I HAVE BEEN TO TOO MANY WEDDINGS WITH SCREAMY BABIES, MISSED THE VOWS AND DON'T WANT THAT FOR MY OWN. Thank you :p

I think most people would take their kids out the wedding if they started to cry, I'm not quite sure why the people at the wedding you were at didn't do that? Personally I wouldn't leave either of my children (6 months and 2) with some random, I'd prefer to miss your ceremony and join you at the venue if I knew you were so uptight about babies.

We had our eldest child then 6 months at our wedding and basically every single friend invited had a child under 2. We didn't want anyone to feel excluded so everyone was invited to everything, babies included. Some friends chose to get a baby sitter others brought their kids and just sat at the back of the church. I had no issue. I think small children make a wedding, we have lovely pictures of the children playing on the lawn in the sunshine together.

I think maybe you are overthinking some things. I'm pretty sure people will manage their own arrangements if kids aren't welcome.

Sorry if I'm missing something but could you not just say no children/babies? With the obvious exception if you newborn niece/nephew? Wouldn't that just be easier? A lot of people do that nowadays and it would make things easier for you all round.

Are you only hiring one nanny, or did I get that wrong? If you've got 4 babies, you'll need 2 nannies.

I think just be crystal clear with guests as to which parts of day children are not welcome. Then they can choose what to do.

Your sister's newborn: in my experience, newborns can cry a lot, they don't mostly sleep, they mostly feed. Find her somewhere nice and comfy to feed in case she can't make the ceremony.

We got invited to a wedding like this. Our kids were older (maybe 18m and 3y). We left them with my parents. There was no way I was leaving them with an unknown I hadn't met, ratios unknown.

It’s very kind of you to arrange a nanny OP. I’m sure you’ll get the ratios right once you know how many people will use the service
I am totally on your side with respect to noisy babies (maybe just you and I going to the same weddings!) and it’s absolutely your call to make in any case. No babies in the ceremony, done.
Good luck with it all and once arrangements are made, sit back and forget about it all and enjoy your day!

I think it is very unreasonable to exclude very young babies as I don't feel it is fair to either the mother or the baby to ask them to separate during that very early stage when they may need feeding on demand etc. I would find it even more objectionable if you made an exception for your sister's baby.

Toddlers/older children, I think it's your call - I wouldn't accept the invitation because I wouldn't leave a young child with a total stranger, but others may.

Popskipiekin - thank you! I know about ratios (roughly!) but the ones I've looked at are very clear about the need for booking different numbers for different ages. The venue have also worked with creche suppliers before, so obviously there's a demand for the service.

There's also the safety issue of babies with the entertainment, which is something we're really excited for and looking forward to, and is a compromise too far to skip it (my sister thinks it's 'eh', so she's planning to have a break at that point!).

HalfDrank - without meaning to be rude, I've made it quite clear what me and my fiance would like from this day, and what our experiences are. Calling me uptight when I think it's fairly plain I'm trying to be accommodating (at my own expense) is a bit unfair in my opinion.

Thanks to all who said they wouldn't use the service - it's useful to help me talk to my friends IRL, and gauge how genuinely comfortable people would be.

You have a dream for your wedding and that is your right.
So in my opinion the 6 month baby is likely to be the one who would make the most noise.

I must say i think it's really considerate providing the creche for the parents as it makes sure your dream of a calm wedding will happen but the parents won't be too far from the baby.
If I was a guest with a baby I would be fine at leaving a qualified person looking after my child.
I really hope your wedding goes the way you and DH-to-be dream of

I've been invited to a wedding like this next year - except it's abroad.
I am not comfortable leaving my baby in an unknown crèche so we have made the decision that DH will stay home with our 2 young children and I will go by myself.

OP I am totally with you on babies can be disruptive. I hate it when people come on these threads and say “but surely they just take them out?”. Not always, and even if they do, as happened two or three times in our wedding ceremony, the crying followed by the clattering of heels and a door slamming is disruptive. It’s not “uptight” not to want such a special moment to be affected in this way. I walked down the aisle to the sound of a baby crying as the parents couldn’t get out as the bridal procession was blocking the only entrance to the Church. If you’re not comfortable with the risk of this, that is completely fair enough.

No one with an ounce of reasonableness would compare their child or baby to your newborn niece/nephew. I think you’ve been considerate in providing an option of a babysitter - if someone doesn’t want it then that’s completely fair enough but you’ve given an option. It’s then for your guests to come or not come as they see fit.

I agree with communication with guests with children. We spoke to all of the guests with young children to explain the position and everyone was fine about it (to our faces!). Any friend who takes umbrage at their 6 month old being treated differently to your newborn niece or nephew is worthy of being struck from the guest list!

Providing a crèche is very kind, but it won’t work for everyone. Some babies would just scream when left with a stranger, how ever well qualified they are. They wouldn’t be distracted with activities like an older child would. Also if they only nap in certain ways etc or due a BF etc, then the parents might not leave them. Which is fine, but in that case I’d be inclined to just say young babies are not able to attend ceremony/entertainment but will be welcome at the reception and leave it to the parents to decide which does that. Because I’m sure at least some of the parents will end up having to sit it out/stay at the crèche during the ceremony anyway. Perhaps just provide a room for them to go to with the children during these bits. I wouldn’t be that bothered if a friend said no babies at ceremony and would be happy to hang out somewhere comfy for the duration, or choose to leave the baby at home with known adults like family.

We had 100% no babies and children at our wedding. We let the guests affected know early on so that they could decide whether to attend or not. Everyone understood that this was what we wanted and we then had no issues or stress. Our wedding, our decisions. When DT’s were small we were invited to similar wedding and had to leave the DT’s with friends or family or not attend- no problem with that as it was the preference of the bride and groom.

I think the fact that you are providing a crèche will ensure that the parents know you don’t want babies present during the ceremony, so even if they don’t want to use it, surely one parent can sit outside with the baby.

Will everyone actually be bringing their babies though, apart from the newborn? Most people I know would take the chance to have a child free day, and attend without their kids!

Never understood people taking kids to weddings - I’ve left my DD three times for weddings at 4mths, 7 months and 1 year. If you have more than 2 months notice for a wedding - you kinda don’t have an excuse in my eyes.

That said, I probably wouldn’t use an on site creche as my mind would constantly be with the baby and I wouldn’t enjoy myself. My dearly loved niece wailed the whole way through our vows