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Original poster

WWYD? Diva guest

17 replies

Eyetwitch · 28/12/2017 19:35

Name changed as could be outing. Will keep OP as brief as possible but don't want to dripfeed.
Due to get married end of 2018, DP and I covering costs.
DP had difficult childhood and still doesn't have greatest relationship with his mum, his Grandma was his support growing up, his mum tried to stop contact between DP and grandma after she fell out with her mum but as he got older he restablished contact and they are very close.
I get on ok with MIL to be but having seen first hand how awful she can be to DP I'm quite wary of her. I really like DP's grandma and have a good relationship with her.
DP's mum will be invited to wedding as will grandma. However MIL to be, will, without a doubt throw a hissy fit and refuse to come if grandma is there.
DP and I have said if that happens we will say fine don't come, no problem.
Are we being unreasonable being so black and white about it?
We have little tolerance for adult tantrums and grandma whilst NC with MIL to be (MIL choice) has no issue being at wedding with MIL, will suggest not coming so MIL will go.
Would you just say fine and not count MIL in numbers or would you try and cajole her into coming? Not inviting grandma is not an option.
Sorry that was longer than I intended, thanks if you read to the end

OP posts:

Gazelda · 28/12/2017 19:49

We had a similar issue.
We made sure that everyone knew they were invited very early. And who the other invited guests were. We did this on the basis that it gave everyone time to get over their tantrums and decide one way or the other well in advance of the day so we didn't have a stress and drama filled run up to wedding day.
We explained to the 'difficult' person that the other persons invite was non-negotiable, but that we understood how difficult it could be for her. We offered plans to make it easier, such as making sure she was accompanied by people she was comfortable with at all times, would consult with her over table plan, would make sure photographer was aware so no awkward pics etc.
She threw a strop and refused to come.
We told her that we were sad, but respected her decision.
She had months to think about it and eventually came round and decided to come to the wedding.
We showed her how much we appreciated her decision, I went outfit shopping with her and made sure she felt her best.
She came on the day, as did the other party. They kept a respectable distance but actually said hello to each other and didn't make any fuss.
She is so pleased she came, we are so glad she came and had a good time.

Knittedfairies · 28/12/2017 19:55

Well-played Gazelda!

Weezol · 28/12/2017 20:02

I think sometimes black and white is the only way. Boundaries sometimes need to be harsh and it's important to set a precedent.

I think DP is right and it's good that you and he are in agreement on this. I have zero tolerance for adult tantrums. We do not reward bad behaviour with attention!

FiveGoMadInDorset · 28/12/2017 20:12

We had a similar one at our wedding. DH is NC with his sister, his father told him that if we didn't invite her he wouldn't come. DH said fine, would be sad if he wasn't here but understood. We didn't invite her and FIL needless to say turned up

Original poster

Eyetwitch · 28/12/2017 20:25

Gazelda you're amazing, great ideas. I hadn't even considered the photos, ceremony and sit down will be v small and intimate, I'll need to make sure they're out of chucking stuff range .
I'm happy to invite MIL best friend to evening but ceremony and sit down is literally immediate family, DP best friend/best man and my best friend/MOH. That said it's a late ceremony so not too long til evening do.
Weezol reminds me of puppy training.
Talking of early invites, New Year's Eve wedding, save the date or early (how early) invites or both?
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

OP posts:

Original poster

Eyetwitch · 28/12/2017 20:30

FiveGoMad Did he say he wasn't coming and then turn up, or did he let you know in advance? .

OP posts:

pileoflaundry · 28/12/2017 20:34

I definitely wouldn't try to cajole MIL into coming, that will just add fuel to her unreasonableness. A firm line, as you suggest, should give her time to get over it, or time to decide to stay away. Or if DH doesn't want her there(?), don't invite.

I was in a similar situation as a guest at a wedding (toxic, bullying and violent M was also in attendance) and only just managed to hold it together when she decided to talk at me. Would MIL have a partner, friend or supportive relative who could be primed beforehand to support and distract her, if needed?

pileoflaundry · 28/12/2017 20:36

Ah sorry cross-post, I see that MIL's best friend is being invited.

Lindy2 · 28/12/2017 20:45

We had similar with my MIL. She refused to come to our wedding if we invited DH's dad and new wife. DH daftly gave in to her and my FIL was not invited. As it was DH's family I let him deal with it even though I didnt agree with the outcome.
When we had our first child MIL tried the same regarding the christening. This time however, her demands impacted on my child so I got involved. DH and I agreed we couldn't have this going forward or we'd have the same from her for all future family events, children's birthdays etc. We told everyone they were all invited and it was entirely up to them whether they attended or not but no one was was going to be excluded by us. MIL was far from happy. She did initially say she wouldn't come but changed her mind in the end and did attend. Everything was fine and in fact relationships and tensions within the family have improved a lot because of it.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 28/12/2017 20:52

No, his wife told him to grow up so we knew in advance he was coming

Weezol · 28/12/2017 20:53

I've used puppy training techniques on difficult colleagues in the past. They work remarkably well!
I would do the invites at least 6 months in advance, purely because it's NYE and accommodation will need to be booked well in advance.
I think 'save the date' cards are an Americanism and are a waste of money and trees. I am immoveably monochrome on this.

Original poster

Eyetwitch · 28/12/2017 21:03

pileoflaundry MIL will have her DP (voice reason, lovely chap) and my future SILs at ceremony and sit down then we've agreed to invite her best friend to the evening, so hopefully that will work , unless she vetoes SILs attending, as in if she won't go she won't let anyone go.

Lindy2 We have DC and it's a nightmare if we saw grandma and other family the kids initially weren't allowed to mention it otherwise she'd give out to DP for days on the phone, so I gently told DP I wasn't having it and the kids weren't to be dragged into it.
Very hard on DP as he's been guilt tripped, manipulated and forced to take sides for years before we met.
He has a loyalty to his mum because she's his mum but as an adult he knows her behaviour in his childhood and now, was and is very wrong. That's a whole other thread and then some

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Original poster

Eyetwitch · 28/12/2017 21:08

Weezol I've found my people. Yy to save the date cards, never heard of them before ventured on to a wedding website beat a hasty retreat let me tell you .
I was thinking of sending invites in the at the start of summer but wasn't sure if it was too early.

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Original poster

Eyetwitch · 28/12/2017 21:09

FiveGoMad here's hoping MIL's DP will do the same

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Weezol · 28/12/2017 21:10

I'm with Ed Byrne on this.
'I'll tell you the best thing about being married. It means I'm no longer planning a feckin wedding'.

BenLui · 28/12/2017 21:37

I would invite her and if she declines politely tell her that you are disappointed but respect her choice. No arguments, no persuading.

I might still count her in to the numbers though (without telling her) because refusing to go to your son’s wedding is a very big deal and she might change her mind at the last minute if no one backs her into a corner.

Original poster

Eyetwitch · 28/12/2017 22:20

Weezol He's not wrong.
BenLui I reckon that's what we'll end up doing.
Thanks again to everyone for your input.

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