How to tell him I feel uncomfortable with the engagement ring?

[caracola]

Hello,
My fantastic boyfriend proposed to me recently. I was quite surprised as although we've been together for years, love each other and talk about our future together, we'd never really talked about marriage, and it's not something that's hugely important to me. I value love, security, commitment, our relationship and I'm looking forward to our future together but I've never been a girl who has been planning my wedding since I was a kid. I'm also not really a jewellery girl, I've never worn any jewellery, never had my ears pierced, never wear rings. The ring he proposed with looks lovely but I just feel it's wasted on me and I feel uncomfortable wearing it, both as I'm not used to wearing jewellery and due to the cost (which I accidentally found out when we went to the shop to for ring resizing and the shop assistant left the receipt in front of me). I talked to him about this and he tried to understand but was upset as it's the ring he chose, spent ages researching and wants me to have as that means a lot to him, which I understand. We went back to shops to look at others but I really didn't enjoy it, I found all the shop assistants fussing over us, being over friendly, asking how he proposed to be intimidating, fake, overwhelming and and all the expensive jewellery just really isn't my scene. Feels like putting a price on love and commitment, taking the love out of it. I wanted to get out of the shop, started to feel stupid and ungrateful so agreed to keep the ring. I've been trying to get used to it, I wear it most of the time when I'm with him but take it off when I get home and sometimes put it back in the box and in my bag when I'm out alone. I still feel very conscious of it and uncomfortable, it pokes my other figures, the diamond poking out scrapes on everything, it spins around sometimes and feels tight when I'm warm and I still feel really uncomfortable with the price. I'd must rather spend the money on holidays to have memories, on the wedding or save for a house. I know engagement rings are usually expensive and you have them forever, and it's his choice to pay that price, and it's a lovely gift, but I just really don't think it's me and I don't think a ring is necessary to show commitment, it's just a tradition and what people expect. I also find it a bit weird that the guy gets to choose but the girl has to wear it. Am I being crazy, over thinking it and being ungrateful for a lovely gift? I'm not sure how much longer to keep trying to get used to it or if I should talk to him about it again. Although I doubt the shop would take it back now as I've worn it a bit. Any advice or similar experiences would be appreciated, has anyone else felt similar and ended up getting used to it? Does anyone out there just not have an engagement ring?

Oh if we're doing this, then here's mine. I love it

I never felt comfortable with my engagement ring. Bought matching plain silver bands for me and dh when we got married and I only wear that now. And I take it off when I'm at home. It's personal to you and you don't need to worry if you don't wear it all the time. Can you put it on a necklace instead? My friend wears her grandmother's ring as a necklace and it looks good.

You're talking about what else you could spend the money on like you'd get anything approximating what he'd spent on it back. Unless he got a bargain then unfortunately that's highly unlikely to be the case. If you're thinking about selling you'd probably be disappointed for what you'd get for it.

I wasn't a ring wearer, and my engagement ring felt "funny" on me for a while but after a while I just didn't notice it anymore to the extent I kept thinking I'd lost it. It's a big enough setting but I don't find I get it stuck in anything.

If you continue to feel uncomfortable about it then just keep it for good. But it's done now and I think you just have to say to him you don't like wearing rings everyday and stop overthinking it.

You don't have to wear it all the time if you don't want to. My DH isn't very fond of rings but still wanted to have one as part of our wedding ceremony and so we had a matching set. He wears it for a couple of months at a time then takes it off for a bit as it starts to feel uncomfortable to him. Then it puts it back on when he wants to.

If you want to wear it all the time have you tried wearing it on a necklace if you don't feel comfortable with it on your finger?

I'm the same, I couldn't get on with wearing a ring at all. I never wear rings in real life and I found it annoying to have to worry about it when I was doing housework or sports. It was also very expensive (5 figures) so I felt really nervous wearing it anywhere. But I still value the engagement ring DH got me as he bought it as a surprise (I didn't even know he wanted to propose) and got it specially made, so I value the thought he put into it. So for me it's worth hanging on to it as a token of his affections, but I don't wear it out of the house any more.

He got me a wedding ring as well, but even though that's plain I still don't like the feeling of it on my hand. I think they'll be nice to pass on to my DD in the future...plus it's always good to keep something valuable as something you can sell if you ever really need to!

I think you need to talk to him.
I can't say I understand how you feel about it, as I'm a big jewellery person, I wear rings, chains, bracelets, earrings, daily, never take them off. For me, my 3 rings from my husband mean the world to me.
I think the comment you made about not planning your wedding since you were young is quite judgey though.

Id make an effort to get used to wearing it. Really try, don't do it half assed.

If you still can't bear it then just don't wear it.
I hate wearing jewellery so I don't wear my wedding ring. Dh doesn't like it but there's not much he can do about it.

I rarely wear jewellery, and one day when rushing and grabbing shopping out of the trolley i caught my luffley solitaire diamong engagement ting in the wire metal frame of the trolley.... to feel a tug, look down and see 4 very oddly splayed claws and no diamond! In a huge sparkly floored supermarket.

I was gutted. Got diamond replaced and not worn it since. My wedding ring is a very very plain platinum band, no engraving no stones.

I think you are in danger of making a huge fuss about not making a fuss

^ This. pagwatch has it.

I haven't worn my engagement ring since the day I was married so dont assume that you need to wear it for the rest of your life.

I have managed to lose 3 out of the 5 diamonds in my eternity ring. They all stand proud and I wore it purely because dh chose it for me despite me never asking for it and hating diamonds especially standing proud ones . It was only after dh had paid almost 3 times the original cost in replacing lost diamonds that he agreed it would be safer locked away and kept for special occasions. I was so relieved that I didn't have to wear it again.

You either put it away and wear it for nights out so you dont lose the diamond or you just get used to wearing it. I wouldn't return it myself because theres nothing worse than someone buying a long thought after gift to then find out they got it so wrong it had to be returned.

I get you. I'm engaged but have no engagement ring as I don't really wear jewellery. What I do have though is an eternity ring that was hand made for me and I wear that instead.

I don't understand all the people saying don't wear it all the time.

If you're not going to enjoy it and wear it daily, surely unless you're a millionaire it is a pointless waste of money having 2 or 3 or 5 thousand pounds locked away in a gem stone in a drawer? And most people won't sell their mother's engagement ring unless they're on the poverty line, so this wealth will pass down and remain locked away.

Sounds like a big con by jewel companies to me, a way of them neatly moving your savings from your bank account into theirs.

I'd much rather have a small ring and use the cash on real things.

Not trying to be goady, I just don't get it.

I'm not keen on expensive cars either.

I'm clearly a miserable scrooge

Your feelings make sense. You don't wear any jewellery. Your boyfriend, who you would hope would have noticed this by now, has bought you an expensive piece of jewellery and is upset that it's not your thing.

And it's not like other gifts where you can smile and say thank you. Not only are you expected to wear it every day, it has some male/female/unequal treatment connotations . Does he wear an uncomfortable gift every day, which was chosen by someone else?

On the other hand, it's a gift from someone you want to marry, it is too late to take it back, and he would be hurt. At this point I'd either wear it and retire it when you get married, or change it into a pendant (on at least 2 chains or ribbons in case one breaks) or a brooch or bracelet which you might feel more comfortable with. Both the pendant and bracelet could be hidden under clothing, or put onto a plain or fabric chain or band which could tone down the sparkles a bit.

I don't have an engagement ring and never wanted one and everyone thought I was odd when we decided to get married. My husband asked did I want one and would have let me chose. I never understand women's obsession with engagement rings. It's so one sided and materialistic. Why don't men get something . They have no historical symbolism and are just there to keep jewellers in business !

Slightly different situation but husband surprised me with a new ring after 5 year anniversary. We were in a better position financially and had always said he wanted to get me another ring. Anyway surprised me with the ring, which was amazing, but it stuck out and kept scratching my children; spinning around and generally I found it really uncomfortable to wear. After a couple weeks trying to get used to it I had to tell him, he was upset but we chose another...we had to pay a small fee for them to get the ring looking brand new again (less than £100 but can't remember) they took it back ok as still within return date of a 21 days.

A similar thing happened to a colleague Joyce, but it was a chest freezer in Marksies! To be fair the ring was 30-odd years old and she hadn't had the setting checked this side of 2000. A member of staff got all the frozen peas out and everything to help her look, but alas it was gone.

You can get different settings. My diamond is completely contained in the setting around it so no bits to dig in. This was really important to me and a few places do rings like this now.

I would give it a proper 24/7 go for a while and if you can't get on with it talk to your partner.

My partner didn't like the earring I bought him for our engagement but he did try. Likewise a friend did try very hard with the ring her partner bought her which prevented her fingers closing properly, though she quite quicklysaid it was so valuable she couldn't wear it. Sadly both relationships are long gone.

So talk to him now about getting married. Don't be forced into a wedding you don't want (but think carefully about the legal benefits of being married, which certainly don't have to involve a big wedding).

OP, talk to him. Try to be as gentle as possible.
Do you want to get married? It sounds like it's all come a bit out the blue and you feel you're being carried down a 'traditional' route which may not be the one you want to.

OH and I are planning to get married at some point and he told me he was a bit nervous about getting me an engagement ring as 'I liked to be involved in decisions' (he's right!).
I told him I didn't want an engagement or wedding ring which threw him somewhat. It's a personal decision.

Could you have the diamonds re-set into something you'll love (not necessarily a ring). That you could choose together?

This is sort of how I felt about bras (aside from the money element which was his choice and his money).scratchy itchy weird uncomfortable a faff got in the way ruined outfits I'd liked. After several months I got used to them

Can you wear it on a necklace round your neck? Will also keep it safer.