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Original poster

Is my fiance selfish to spend £600 on a stag do

67 replies

DH14 · 20/08/2017 02:44

Is it just me or am I right to complain that my fiancé is spending £600 on a stag do snowboarding abroad in Tignes with his mates when we are trying like mad to save for the wedding. We haven't had a decent holiday in 3 years. His best man is arranging it and my fiancé isn't too keen on snowboarding either. My fiancé has told his best man we are trying to save for a wedding it he's still going ahead and organising it even though my fiancé has told him we are struggling.

OP posts:

KarmaNoMore · 20/08/2017 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 20/08/2017 11:19

If he doesn't want to go then £600 is far too much to spend. He could suggest they all go out for a meal and drink locally and the ones who want to go on this jaunt can.

Oly5 · 20/08/2017 11:20

Your fiancé needs to tell the best man what he DoES want to do for a stag do.
However, I hate it when women get carried away with flowers etc for a wedding but then say their fiancé can't spend hardly anything on a stag do. For lots of men a big stag do is just as important to them as the dress is to the bride

Hulder · 20/08/2017 11:21

So he would rather upset you than his bestman?

Not a good way to start a marriage. Sorry but I would keep having the argument until he gets this into his thick head.

The whole point of marriage is that you are on each others team first. If he isn't ready for this, he isn't ready for marriage.

MeltorPeltor · 20/08/2017 11:25

I have absolutely no idea how to speak to him about it because when I do he just gets really stressed out.

I think you need to address this before you marry him.

Original poster

DH14 · 20/08/2017 11:27

Most of the things like, flowers cake, hair, photography and makeup is costing me nothing because friends are doing it. We got the venue at 50% off too. Bridesmaids dresses were £35 in the sale each so I am not spending a massive amount on the wedding. His suit and the best mans suits and the ushers suits are going to be the most expensive clothing wise.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 20/08/2017 11:30

^ very much this. This is your ideal opportunity to get on the same page and have a long hard think about what your future looks like with a man who's a pushover with his mates but takes a hard line with his wife. What's so bloody special about the self-anointed best man anyway?

I'd have a word with the guy your fiancé actually asked to be BM. Tell him the plan is getting out of hand and DF isn't comfortable addressing it with SABM. Tell him to cancel the current idea and then ask DF what he'd like to do instead. Sack the SABM from his role and start from scratch.

What's your plan for a hen do? The budget should be the same for both. Your wedding and honeymoon should be your joint focus.

It's worth nipping this sort of crap in the bud now. Picture future holidays, special occasions etc where your DF is happy to ignore what he wants and you want because he's too scared to go against some random who wants to take over. It's going to be awful! And you'll end up broke.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/08/2017 11:31

Typed too slowly. The ^ was to hulder who is wise.

Squeegle · 20/08/2017 11:32

If he's like this now what will he be like when you're married? Who is going to stick up for you?

Squeegle · 20/08/2017 11:33

If he gets stressed out about this how will he deal with real crises.

Peachyking000 · 20/08/2017 11:34

For most hen or stag parties for people I know, the bride/groom-to-be hadn't had to spend anything - their costs have been covered by the other people attending. I always thought this was the norm?

Peachyking000 · 20/08/2017 11:35

*didn't, not fed from

Original poster

DH14 · 20/08/2017 11:36

For my hen do we are staying local and doing things like ghyll scrambling, kayaking and a night out with a meal which will cost no more than £150

OP posts:

Original poster

DH14 · 20/08/2017 11:37

The best man lives his life like he is still a teenage boy rather than a married man.

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bunningsbunny · 20/08/2017 11:44

Can he not talk to the friend he originally wanted to be his best man and enlist his help in shutting down the one who has taken over?

Is the one organising it the loud cool guy in the group of friends or is there some other reason why he seems to have a hold over your dp?

Have you spoken to his other friends to discover hiat their feelings are, particularly about the cost and time it will take (guessing they will be lookibg at £1000 with food, drink, transfers, drink etc) and see if you can come up with a much better plan that your dp and most friends woukd be happier with?

What would happen if you went to talk to the friend and laid it out that he is being incredibly selfish, that your dh doesn't want and hasn't ever wanted to do snowboarding, that you're worried about the risk of injury before the wedding, that this means that you won't be able to go on honeymoon, you won't be able to have an equivalent hen night/week, its using up too much leave when you need lots for sortibg out weddingy things etc etc and how can he justify ruining the run up to the wedding for something the groom doesn't even want?

Original poster

DH14 · 20/08/2017 11:50

The original best man is quiet and decent, the other which has taken over is loud and everything he does is for attention.

OP posts:

Original poster

DH14 · 20/08/2017 11:51

If I speak to him my fiancé will say I'm being controlling and that I'd embarrassed him in front of his mates

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mirialis · 20/08/2017 12:26

If I speak to him my fiancé will say I'm being controlling and that I'd embarrassed him in front of his mates

That would be him controlling you!

mirialis · 20/08/2017 12:34

If you and your fiance can't sort this out between you, then agree with PP, marriage is not the way forward.

Don't speak to the friends. Speak to your fiance.

It's not like you're saying don't have a stag do, or trying to dictate what he should do for his stag do, just that he make a reasonable, grown-up and joint decision about the budget you as a couple can afford.

You feel you don't have £600 to spend on his stag do and if his pride is more important than your needs as a couple, there is trouble ahead.

Original poster

DH14 · 20/08/2017 16:29

I know I asked for advice but why do people this day in age as soon as there is an issue contemplate splitting up with people. If people do that at every hurdle life throws at them then nobody would e together

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KarmaNoMore · 20/08/2017 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mirialis · 20/08/2017 16:46

Don't be so naive.

Of course we have all faced hurdles, and yet we do get together and we stay together, so why is that? Because we get over those hurdles as a team.

Your fiance is faced with quite a straightforward hurdle: stand up to this bloke when he has told you he doesn't really want to go anyway, or keep arguing with and upsetting the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with and deny the two of you the chance of a honeymoon.

If he can't even get his act together enough to get over that straightforward hurdle for you... well, good luck.

But if you just want a simple answer to your question... yes he's being selfish.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/08/2017 16:54

Some of us have had unhappy marriages which might have been avoided if we'd paid attention to the red flags or had MN to show us what was wrong in our relationships before we sealed the deal and had divorce to get through which is a hell of a lot harder and more complicated than leaving before the wedding.

No one wants you to be unhappy. No one wants you to end your relationship. No one wants you to spend your life with a man who either has good intentions but no backbone, or one who cares more what people think of him than his wife or his and his wife's financial security.

Do nothing, let him waste a load of money you don't have on a boys jolly he won't enjoy, let some flash pretentious dick head ride roughshod over your wedding plans so you can't afford a honeymoon. Go into your marriage not knowing how to communicate effectively through conflicts.

But you know you asked for advice for a reason because you're not happy with the status quo.

I'm now very happily married to a man who puts me, us, our life above everything else. I know what a difference it makes being with someone kind, mature, considerate and with the strength of his convictions. The idea of going on a holiday you can't afford doing something you won't enjoy to impress someone you don't really like is madness.

This is your opportunity to work things through together and come out stronger and with faith in the future you'll have ahead of you.

Squeegle · 20/08/2017 17:22

It's all true! Nobody wants you to split up, but there is no virtue in sticking with someone just for the sake of it. Like PP said - we all have the experience of living through some difficult situations, and some of us wish we'd seen the signs earlier. That's all. You have a sign. Make of that what you will. Read the riot act, tell him to grow a pair... or just ignore it, paper over the cracks and see how it turns out!

Original poster

DH14 · 20/08/2017 20:31

Well he message his so called best man to say about the cost and other family members that can't afford it and this is the best mans response

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