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Original poster

Who is in the wrong?!

54 replies

user1478546853 · 07/11/2016 19:50

Hey ladies,

I'm getting married next year and have been planning for around a year and a half. Everything was as far as I was concerned good to go until...

The other day I was discussing the wedding with some family friends and they asked about bridesmaids shoes. I was about to answer flat sandals (we are getting married in a hot and hilly place abroad) my sister cut in that she would be wearing wedges. I corrected her and said no I would like everyone in flats and she argued with me. The next morning I sent a polite message saying how I felt and that it had always been that way, I don't want to argue but I won't budge on that. She then came back to me saying she would need to go on an extreme diet as she would feel awful in flats (she's a size 8-10) I explained my reasons which are that I'm very short and if the bridesmaids wore heels they would tower over me even more and that if I then wore heels id be taller than my fiancé. I also explained the practical reasons regarding the location. This then led to her saying 'the dress you've chosen would make anyone look porky' (I have 4 other bridesmaids who love the dress which is a Grecian style) she then added that she didn't want to wear her hair up and put laughing faces mocking my ideas for it. So by this point she has suddenly said she hates the shoes, dress and hair. I have to point out that this has all been previously discussed (about 9 months ago) and then she says that if that's how I'm going to be she won't bother going at all?! So I told her not to bother.

I have bad problems with guilt so even though everyone I've so far asked have said I am not being unreasonable I'm still upset as its my sister.

So am I being unfair? All my other bridesmaids have been happy to do whatever. Right at the beginning of planning I said I've always wanted coral for my bridesmaids and she said that it wouldn't suit her so I changed that.

I also have to mention that other than my dad she is the only other family member of mine attending and I feel it is kind of emotional blackmail?

I've had a hell of a lot on my mind lately and now I'm fretting whether I'm right to put my foot down or being silly?!

xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
user1478546853 · 13/11/2016 19:35

Also if she had come to me at the time of purchasing the stuff when it was discussed with them all then I would have considered her point of view... months down the line and after picking apart everything that I've spent thousands of pounds on and trying to make me feel guilty... no I don't think so.

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 13/11/2016 19:48

It never fails to amaze how much people put some detail into trival things about how it has to be perfect your marrying the person you love it's once day marriage is suppose to be a life time

Pancakeflipper · 13/11/2016 20:05

Who is in the wrong?
The title of this thread needs to be edited to: My sister is wrong and a mardy cow.

Don't matter what people say...you believe you are entirely right.

Original poster
user1478546853 · 14/11/2016 12:45

I don't see what's wrong with wanting the perfect day, it's once in a lifetime.

I also was questioning myself but as explained above I've spoken to people who I know in real life, I even said should have done that in the first place. My own dad agrees with me and that's what settled my mind.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 14/11/2016 12:57

Yes, it's your day. And you've been planning this for a long time. You've spent a lot of money. Your friends all agree with you. And your Dad.

But I'd cave over the style of BM shoe if it meant my sister being at my wedding.

OP, I sincerely wish you the happiest day, but can I suggest you let go of some of the control of every detail? As the day draws nearer, do you really want to stressing that the flowers will be the right shade, or the band will play the correct 'first dance' or that the earrings you've carefully chosen don't get packed for the destination wedding? Honestly, these details aren't worth worrying about.

Your sister was unreasonable (and a bitch) to whinge about arrangements you've already agreed. But she probably just wanted to retaliate after your unreasonableness over the shoes.

BackforGood · 14/11/2016 13:09

It's another AIBU (everyone says yes, OP says she's doing it anyway) thread, only this time in weddings. Hmm

It's ridiculous to fall out with her over what shoes she wears or how she has her hair done.
Er, no, everyone doesn't have a 'picture' in their mind of how everything will look on the day. Quite a lot of us had close friend or family as bridesmaid simply because that's who they were, without giving a monkeys about what their hair or shoes were like. I don't choose my friends because of what they look like, and bridesmaids is a magnified version of that.

Joinourclub · 19/11/2016 19:11

Obviously you get to choose the bridesmaid dresses, but other than that they are people not props! It's a bit much telling adults how to style their hair, they are not characters in the film 'your wedding'. Not wanting them to wear heels so that they don't tower over you is silly, again they are people not props and if you felt that strongly you should have chosen short ones! Flats might be sensible if you are on the beach, but she is a grown woman who can chose her own shoes. Yes she might have handled it rudely, but that's sisters for you, family tend to feel that they can speak their mind more than mates when it comes to stuff like weddings.

SheldonCRules · 20/11/2016 20:16

A wedding is supposed to be about two people making vows, sadly nowadays it's all about the bride, her perfect day and the photographs.

Dictating their hair, shoes etc is awful. You do know they are adults? But hey, you've not made any demands Hmm

My bridesmaid picked her own dress, shoes and hair. Her tastes are very different send as she was doing the honour of being part of the wedding I felt it important she liked her outfit and felt comfortable.

Araminta99 · 03/12/2016 04:50

Yes you are being unfair. My girls all picked out shoes they were comfortable with, one had white kitten heels, another silver t bars and the others wore white flats. Didn't even notice on the day, I only know from looking back at some pictures which had the corner of a foot in :D

Is it worth ruining relationships over a messy up do and wedges?!?!?

JC23 · 03/12/2016 05:37

I was a bridesmaid twice this year. For my sister, who chose both a dress and hairstyle that didn't suit me at all, and my best friend who let me choose everything myself.
I do think I looked a mess at my sister's wedding but I only complained to my mum and dh. It was her day and what I thought I looked like wasn't important so I just laughed it off and had fun.

InfiniteSheldon · 03/12/2016 05:38

Don't know what weird plane of existence we've entered on musket here but blimey of course yanbu. You're short, you're fiance is short, you'd like not to be towered over on your wedding day that you are paying for. The theme, style and setting favours flat shoes. Your sister is being a cow.

Out2pasture · 03/12/2016 06:22

Planning for a year and a half, wedding next year??? Sorry bride to be that's over the top dramatic.

GinAndOnIt · 03/12/2016 07:32

Hmm I kind of see your point TBH. Mainly for the fact it's already bought and planned. When my sister got married, she asked us two bridesmaids at the beginning if there was anything we specifically really did not want to wear. We had to buy our own shoes, but she did specify that she would quite like us in heels (even if just for the photos) because she and her DH are very tall, but us bridesmaids are fairly short. I pretty much took the shoes off and went barefoot after the photos because I'm useless in heels.

Could you suggest she maybe just has her hair and shoes like that for the main photos, and then can let her hair down/swap shoes afterwards?

FrancisCrawford · 03/12/2016 07:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

msrisotto · 03/12/2016 07:47

Why are you being so controlling? It's only shoes and hair fgs and this is your family! Don't you want everyone to be happy on the day?

ivykaty44 · 03/12/2016 07:49

Just tell her to would love her to be he bridesmaid but if she feels is upset about all the dress restrictions then you would understand I he now declines the role and I there is anything you can do to get her to stay brudesmaid but dress as you would like then let you know.

AmberEars · 03/12/2016 08:06

I've organised every little bit myself with no demands - how can you say that when you're demanding she wears a specific shoe against her will?!

msrisotto · 03/12/2016 09:20

Ivy - you'd de-bridesmaid someone over shoes???

DollyPlastic · 03/12/2016 09:31

Hahaha, this thread has cheered me right up.

Everyone's saying the same thing. Let her wear what shoes she wants but you're insisting she wears your choice. You are a bridezilla, so may as well just accept it. I certainly wouldn't have my hairstyle dictated.

And I agree with the colour coral, it's not a good look on anyone Grin

FadedRed · 03/12/2016 09:43

Please don't fall out with your sister over shoes
You are shorter than others and on a beach? Take a bucket and spade. Dig holes for the others to stand in while you stand on the bucket. Sorted. Grin

FinallyHere · 03/12/2016 10:46

I wish you all the very best and hope you discover in time that this is not a professional photoshoot, that the 'perfect' day is not about how the bridesmaids' hair is styled or what shoes they are wearing.

You are planning a public announcement of the love between you and your partner, and what that means for how you want to live the rest of your life together.

It is not helpful to compare the photos of your event to the adverts you see in magazines, which use professional models, whose job it is to make the clothes, hairstyles or whatever look fabulous. You are the bride, not the artistic director. The photos of your wedding will turn out much better if everyone is comfortable in what they are wearing. They will be relaxed and happy for you on your big day, which is indeed, priceless.

Candlestickchick · 04/12/2016 13:26

YANBU about the shoes as it will make you feel self conscious for her to tower above you. YANBU about the dress or hair because it has already been agreed so she shouldn't go back on that, especially as you're paying.

Could you compromise by saying she has to wear flats but she can choose them? Or kitten heels? Could you let her choose her own hair within the Grecian theme, and she could discuss with the hairdresser what would go?

I've been a bridesmaid loads of times and always done as asked. I shudder at the thought that my preferences should outweigh those of the bride on her wedding day. I really think people just love to slag off a bride.

ivykaty44 · 04/12/2016 15:19

Mrs I would offer her the chance to not be bridesmaid if she didn't want to be due to wearing clothes that she didn't want to - up to them if they want to de- brudesmaid themselves then.No point someone being miserable in the wrong shoes at a wedding.

Lelloteddy · 11/12/2016 09:58

Totally Bridezilla OP. And kudos to your sister for trying to stop the madness. It's a wedding. Not a themed photo shoot.

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 11/12/2016 12:33

I have been a bridesmaid twice. On both occasions it simply did not occur to me to argue about what I was asked to wear and how I was to have my hair/make up done, my purpose was to be there as a foil to the bride, NOT to be centre of attention myself! For my own four bridesmaids, they all had matching strapless style dresses but with a slight adjustment to suit their style/dress size according to their own requests. This ranged from having the straps added to two of them, having a matching wrap made for one of them, two of them in heels and two in flats. All this was done at the outset to make them feel the most comfortable but still within the parameters of the wedding theme. As far as I know, none of them were unhappy! (Unless they were and just didn't say anything!). So, from my perspective, your sister is being difficult (given that everything was decided and bought months before), the time for her to request changes and adjustments has been and gone.