Weddings and Kids.. Thoughts please!!

[poppy7836]

So.. I'd love your thoughts on this!!! I just sent out my Save The Dates and had the following exchange via social media with a family member who was invited to the evening and has 2 children under 6. I'm quite shocked that A: Anyone would be so rude let alone a family member and B: Why someone would keep their children up so late! The wedding is 6 months away.. Plenty of time to find a sitter surely?! I have a child who is excluded from plenty of weddings, I don't get upset, I go and enjoy the day, because it's about that Bride and Groom.. not my child!

Jackie:
Helen are my kids invited to evening too

Helen:
Hiya! Sadly no. Just immediate family's - so our children and my nieces and Simon's nieces etc etc. xxx

Jackie:
I'm afraid we won't be coming then hun

Helen:
Such a shame! Shall I send you the actual invite and perhaps you can have a think - get a sitter and come and let your hair down! xxx

Jackie:
I don't live near anyone and I got my kiddies

Helen:
Plus, it's the evening sweetie, it'd be too late to keep them up! You wouldn't take then out clubbing! haha! xxx

Jackie:
Sorry Helen not gonna happen
We will be thinking of u all
X

Helen:

Ah thanks! xxx
I won't send the actual invite then chicken if you're a definite no. Such a shame, would have been so lovely to have seen you both. Let me know if you change your mind though! xxx

Jackie:
I will hun x

OP you did come across as rude and pushy there, even if you didn't mean to be. And rather judgemental, with the comments about finding a sitter and keeping children up late (clubbing!) - people could leave the evening reception early.

Ah I've misread- she doesn't live near anyone.

Well you can invite someone else in her place now.

I don't think she's been rude.

She isn't able to get a babysitter - just because you can doesn't mean everyone can.

This is the risk you take when you have a no children rule at a wedding, that some people will be unable or unwilling to come.

Sometimes the extra cost of a babysitter on top of the expense of getting to the venue, buying/hiring an outfit and spending money on drinks when you get there is just prohibitive.

Don't take it personally.

The thing is you say she is close enough to you for you to want to invite her to your wedding, but she is not considered a close enough relative to include her children. So from her pov, I can see why she wouldn't put herself to the bother of finding appropriate babysitters - easier to just not attend. Agree that she has been polite and that it isn't rude to decline an invitition or to not want to leave her dc.

Thanks for all the advice! It's all been taken on board.. Nothing.. Nothing at all was meant with a rude tone from my side and as I said in an earlier post from re reading it through I can absolutely see how it can have been mis interpreted from both sides. The clubbing comment was 100% tongue-in-cheek and certainly meant with no offence.. But yes I agree it could have been interpreted differently. I do take that on board. We LOVE kids! We have 3! If I invited all the children of all of our guests we'd be looking at 70+ kiddies! Maybe a tad too many for a wedding! And yes we did send Save the dates for the evenings as (for example) we are inviting her parents to the day and therefore sending a save the date to them and didn't want anyone feeling left out. Eg. Why has my mum had an invite and not me?!?! Also... Said cousins invite arrived 3 days after her parents' and I had already had a Facebook message asking where hers was. I am trying so, SO hard to please everyone whilst organising the wedding and want everyone to feel included, but we have to be realistic. I am personally totally fine with not inviting kiddies. My own has been excluded from countless weddings.. But as I said previously, I do not take it personally. Nor do I write (via social media) and ask whether my kids are invited. Usually I'll take it that if their names are on the invite then they are indeed included, if they're not, then they're not. I probably should have mentioned that said cousin has made it her personal mission on a few weddings to boycott them because of her children not being invited. Which seems like an absolute crying shame. Her children are both in school and old enough for babysitters, but still young enough to be in bed by 8pm I'd say. (Though who am I to judge anyone's children's bedtime). Either way, I thank you all for your comments and I'm off to do some more wedding planning and try my best not to offend anyone in the process. xxx

It is impossible to please everyone and it is fine to have a child free wedding. If she is offended by that, it's not your fault.

However, you can't say that she should leave them with a babysitter. Not all parents are comfortable with that and this is entirely her choice, which should be free from the judgement of those who would act differently.

I think that she was okay to ask if her dc were invited. Although you would judge from the nsmes from the invitation, there are people who would address it to the parents but assume the kids were coming. I think she just wanted clarification, esp as there are some children attending. You sound as though you think it inappropriate that she asked via fb but that is the quickest easiest way for most people and isn't rude imo. It's not like she announced your engagement on there before you could tell anyone. I mean this kindly but you are sounding like you could easily go down the bridezilla route of taking issue where no insult was intended. Be careful because your wedding will one day be over but these people eill still be part of your life.

What you said to her didn't really make sense. You pretty much said 'we haven't invited your children as it is the evening and therefore isn't suitable for children'. But your own children are going to be there in the evening. I think you needed to be more honest about why you haven't invited children beyond nieces. And that it would add 70 to your guest list is a very good explanation.

I honestly don't think it counts as "boycotting" a wedding if you don't go when your children aren't invited because of the hassle of leaving them behind.

If that counts as a boycott, then I've been boycotting many an exciting social event for the past few years without even noticing. I'm probably boycotting the cinema, a restaurant, and maybe a nightclub at this very moment.

Not doing something because the logistical difficulties outweigh the benefit isn't a boycott. It's just not doing something.

If you have a wedding far away from some of your friends and family, or a child-free wedding, or a wedding in a venue that's up 500 stairs with no lift, or a wedding on a weekday, some people won't come, because they will find it too difficult. And that's OK. You might be a bit hurt that they can't overcome the difficulties to be there on your special day, and they might be a bit hurt that your wedding priorities didn't take their needs into account, but grown-ups generally get over that of thing pretty quickly and then calm down and wish each other well.

I have also read it twice and for the life of me cannot figure out what part you thought was rude?

I do think you came across as pushy.

I agree with PP who said you need to be more honest with your reasons.. Explaining it would ass 70 more guests would seem more reasonable..However She is reasonable to refuse..

You're just taking this way too personally. She doesn't want to leave her kids. The reasons for that are her business, you don't need to be offended that she doesn't deem your wedding important enough for a babysitter, which is what you seem to be doing.

Not everyone is you and they won't handle situations in the exact same way you would.

OP doesn't need to explain why she hasn't invited children.

Friend doesn't need to explain why she can't come without DC.

Nobody needs to be offended. Both are perfectly reasonable, expected things.

You are right she doesn't need to explain but she has said it is too late for children but then told her that some children are going..

The friend didn't comment on the fact that some children are going. She just said she can't come if children aren't invited. That fact isn't going to change if the reason for not inviting kids is different, so it's a waste of energy and will just come across as annoying.

She wasn't rude at all, just asking if the children were invited and responded saying she couldn't come. Nothing rude in that. However, your response was rude and patronising.