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Original poster

Weddings and Kids.. Thoughts please!!

64 replies

poppy7836 · 08/03/2016 14:44

So.. I'd love your thoughts on this!!! I just sent out my Save The Dates and had the following exchange via social media with a family member who was invited to the evening and has 2 children under 6. I'm quite shocked that A: Anyone would be so rude let alone a family member and B: Why someone would keep their children up so late! The wedding is 6 months away.. Plenty of time to find a sitter surely?! I have a child who is excluded from plenty of weddings, I don't get upset, I go and enjoy the day, because it's about that Bride and Groom.. not my child!

Jackie:
Helen are my kids invited to evening too

Helen:
Hiya! Sadly no. Just immediate family's - so our children and my nieces and Simon's nieces etc etc. xxx

Jackie:
I'm afraid we won't be coming then hun

Helen:
Such a shame! Shall I send you the actual invite and perhaps you can have a think - get a sitter and come and let your hair down! xxx

Jackie:
I don't live near anyone and I got my kiddies

Helen:
Plus, it's the evening sweetie, it'd be too late to keep them up! You wouldn't take then out clubbing! haha! xxx

Jackie:
Sorry Helen not gonna happen
We will be thinking of u all
X

Helen:

Ah thanks! xxx
I won't send the actual invite then chicken if you're a definite no. Such a shame, would have been so lovely to have seen you both. Let me know if you change your mind though! xxx

Jackie:
I will hun x

OP posts:
FishWithABicycle · 08/03/2016 15:16

Yanbu to choose who you invite to you own wedding but yabvvvu to not take no for an answer straight away. It's an invitation not a summons and you have no right to dictate how any family decides to respond.

Your cousin didn't try to persuade you to change your mind, she simply sought clarification and accepted your answer but you didn't give her the same courtesy.

Your correct response to "I'm afraid we won't be coming then hun" would have been "we'll miss your being there but respect your decision - let's try to meet up soon"

Some families are happy to use babysitters, some are not.
Some children are fine to be kept up till midnight occasionally for a special event, some are not.
Some bridal couples welcome families at their weddings, some do not.
The only unreasonable thing is failing to accept that you only get to control your own decisions, not other people's.

OSETmum · 08/03/2016 15:19

She hasn't been rude at all, she asked politely, you said no so she said she couldn't come then, again politely and wished you well. It's up to you who you invite but you can't say no kids then means she comes... Plus all the 'sweetie' stuff is a bit passive aggressive.

Original poster
poppy7836 · 08/03/2016 15:31

Passive aggressive is a bit harsh. I call everyone sweetie.. And have called her sweetie lots of times. I do take on board just leaving it at her saying we won't be coming.. But A: I can't help but feeling she was waiting for that response and B: I wanted / want her to feel like she was/is important enough to want at my wedding. Which I do!

OP posts:
Original poster
poppy7836 · 08/03/2016 15:35

Yes I'll take that about control... Whilst my intention would never be to upset anyone I will take that. I don't want to hurt anyone and weddings have a really funny way of throwing up the most bizarre of situations for you to deal with! I will phone and apologise for the clubbing comment... I think that's fair.

OP posts:
FishWithABicycle · 08/03/2016 18:19

I don't think you were being passive aggressive or patronising. J called you "hun" first which sets the tone that this is just how you address each other (calling each other hun tends not to be a mumsnet thing either). If that's normal for your relationship there's nothing to be read into your addressing her as sweetie. There are mumsnetters who would only address someone as sweetie in a slightly scathing tone or passive-aggressively but I don't think that means that all uses of the word are PA.

tealoveryum · 10/03/2016 19:36

I find the asking about sending an invite anyway a bit off, I can't really put my finger on why though. I thinks it's the follow up with 'won't take them clubbing', it comes across a bit pushy/like your miffed.

YANBU to not invite children, it's your day and your choice, and she isn't unreasonable for declining. There are many reasons she may not want to attend, I've seen a lot after several weddings (note I don't subscribe to these reasons):

It's too much money when taking into account a baby sitter/she doesn't want or can't afford one
It's an evening invite
It's too much effort/expense/too far for an evening invite
She may see them as a 'unit' (seen this a few times on threads) and be miffed at no invite

Many reasons... and probably more!

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 10/03/2016 19:43

"It's the evening sweetie" is pretty bad, in my opinion. That would piss me off I think.
All she did was ask if her children were invited and then tell you she wouldn't be able to go. She was polite and I really don't see where she was rude. Sorry.
Totally not unreasonable to not invite children though.

Trills · 10/03/2016 19:45

Nothing wrong with not inviting them.

I am not particularly keen on your "it's the evening haha" chat, but then again I think that anyone saying "I got my kiddies" is being unnecessarily martyrish.

You know she's got her kiddies.

She knows it's the evening haha.

You clearly disagree on what you would do if you were in the other person's position.

Just skip straight to the "That's a shame, let me know if you change your mind before xx date" and leave it at that.

VikingVolva · 10/03/2016 19:49

When you have a child free wedding, you have to accept that some people with children will be unwilling or unable to attend.

The problem with this exchange is that it went on too long. You should have stopped with "Such a shame! Shall I send you the actual invite in case anything changes at your end?"

Ameliablue · 10/03/2016 19:53

I don't think she is being rude. It is fine not to want children but you have to accept that will exclude some people. Not everyone has someone they can ask to babysit.

HamaTime · 10/03/2016 19:54

I don't think she did anything wrong and you should have stopped at 'I'll send the actual invite' and maybe said 'in case you manage to get a sitter' instead of telling her to get a sitter. Unless she is very hard of thinking she will know she requires a sitter to go out without her children in the evening. I guess she either can't get one or doesn't want to pay for one/use up favours for an evening do.

TattieHowkerz · 10/03/2016 19:57

I don't see where she was rude.

Archfarchnad · 10/03/2016 19:57

She's not been in the least bit rude or unreasonable. She made it pretty clear that she's not annoyed or taking it personally and wishes you well. If you decide that you don't want some people's children at your wedding, you have to take it on the chin that some of their parents also can't make it. And you can't invite your own children to the whole thing but then complain that it's too late for other people's. That's pure hypocrisy. Now she's not expecting the whole day to be about her child and has refused the invitation gracefully, but you ARE expecting her to put you and your wedding before her family's interests - how bridezilla-like is that? Seriously, try and see things from her point of view. The wedding day is really not 'all about you' - it's about trying to work out an event that you AND your guests will enjoy, and if the constrictions you impose will reduce her enjoyment too, she's absolutely within her rights to say no in a polite manner - which she has done.

ImperialBlether · 10/03/2016 19:58

I thought she was being really polite and friendly, but very firm - she can't do it, so she's telling you now.

Hrafnkel · 10/03/2016 20:03

I thought I'd read the exchange the wrong way round, as she sounded fine and you sounded pushy and rude.

Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

sooperdooper · 10/03/2016 20:04

I don't think she was rude at all, she asked a question, accepted the answer and that was that

The whole 'it's the evening' and 'you wouldn't take them clubbing' was a daft thing to say since your kids & other close family kids will be there - if I was Jackie I'd be thinking - so you'd take them clubbing? Confused

Fuzz01 · 10/03/2016 20:07

You might find OP its better to over invite on the evening as one not everyone comes and two not everyone will eat the food catered for.

Muskateersmummy · 10/03/2016 20:20

To me, you sounded a bit pushy. She had said no, given you her reason, you continued to suggest she should come. I think after your first suggestion of sending the invite anyway, you should have just said "ok no probs, let me know if the situation changes."

ChimpyChops · 12/03/2016 10:23

She wasn't rude at all. I've sent similar to my nephew and his fiancee before the actual invitation came as I needed my mother in law to take annual leave if needed, yes we would actually have nobody if she couldn't, not everyone has babysitters on hand, even with 6 months notice.
YANBU to not want children at your wedding but you came across as the rude one here in my opinion. Don't think any damage has been done though :)

meggy88877 · 12/03/2016 10:24

currently planning my wedding and when people say - 'sorry cant come', i am thinking ahh well thats saved me some money.
Seriously, i wouldnt worry about it, i have gained very thick skin since sending out my invites!
Good luck, enjoy YOUR day and stuff everyone else xx

ChimpyChops · 12/03/2016 10:28

Her cousin hasn't complained or made a fuss though. Just asked a question and then politely declined. There is no need for her to get annoyed. She will be asked this question a lot when the invitations go out.

JasperDamerel · 12/03/2016 10:35

I don't see any rudeness from her. Your comment about clubbing was quite rude though, although possibly fine if that's how you always talk to each other. But I really, even if I try, can't see anything rude in what she said at all.

bittapitta · 12/03/2016 10:40

She's a cousin - so I assume her usual babysitters are family who will also be attending your wedding?

How old are her children? I personally would only leave under 5s with family not a babysitter/stranger.

She is probably a bit put out that you are happily allowing some kids but not others. she wasn't rude in those messages btw.

AKissACuddleAndACheekyFinger · 12/03/2016 10:44

It's your wedding, I'm invite who you like but she wasn't rude. Your comment about clubbing was rude and would have peed me right off if I'm honest.

Leslieknope45 · 12/03/2016 11:00

How far from the venue is she? Because she says she doesn't live near and has her children. How far would she have to come just for an evening invitation.
Also do you really save the date when you're only inviting someone for a couple of hours?

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