Feeling a bit down about our wedding.

[Justabitoh]

I'm so sorry this is long, but I don't really feel I can discuss this with people in rl and I need to get it down somewhere.

A few months ago, dp and I decided we'd like to get married.

Originally it was going to be just parents and us. Then my parents donated some money too us and the wedding turned into parents, siblings and dp's grandparents and a meal afterwards, going off for our honeymoon at about 5.30 with a party (village hall type affair) next year for all of our friends and family that couldn't come this year.

We were then told by dp's parents that if we invited dp's grandma, then we had to invite his aunt and uncle which she's close to. If we invited them, then we'd have to invite all of the other aunts and uncles. That's an extra 17 people, twice the original amount of people and 2 over the capacity of the room.
Dp's parents offered their house as the reception venue, but we declined as we felt this would be a lot of work to do in 4 months!

We decided to invite the aunts and uncles to the wedding but not the meal, thinking that those that lived far away just wouldn't come this year, but come next year instead. This was possibly a little stupid of us. I thought dp had run this past his parents, but it turns out he'd been incredibly vague, que his mum ringing us asking why we'd done this and it would have been better to not invite them at all.

We've now paid the deposit for the registry office, photographer and meal. The capacity of the room for the meal is 20, so we couldn't for them in if we wanted too.

I'm really upset that my 3 closest friends and dp's best friend aren't coming. This would have been ok if it was strictly parents and siblings for the whole thing, but now we have lots of people coming that we hardly see or speak to.
I'm freaking out in case they all say yes and we're over capacity for the room and and worried because we only have an hour to spend with then afterwards before heading off for the meal and we don't want them to think we're rushing off, especially the ones that have come a long way.

Dp's parents are upset because they're stuck in the middle.

My ss is getting married in July and in worried that she'll think our ever-growing wedding is me trying to steal their thunder.

It started off so positively and now I feel like everything's going wrong. We didn't want anything special, just a lovely day with our family.

Argh!

Ooh gosh, that was a bit of a rant!

I think that it is your wedding day and you have to do what makes you and dp happy . I would explain to people that you are having a party next year to celebrate and for the wedding itself you are just doing x.

Elope.

The problem is you're giving in to obligation. You can't invite x unless you invite y etc. Put the brakes on now, go back to the drawing board and redraft the wedding YOU want not the wedding your parents/inlaws want.

Sorry. I do sympathise but it's your day so make sure you get the majority of what you want.

Is there a larger room if needed.

Invite your best friends if you want to given the change in general guest approach.

Ignore Mil.

If I were you I would cancel the bloody lot. DH and I had a big-ish wedding because we wanted it, not because someone told us to. Slide off somewhere and get hitched in peace.

Stop - start again. What do you want, a small 'elope' style wedding or a bigger one? If you want a small wedding, go back to the orginal plan, just 2 sets of parents, that's what you wanted. No one else then can get offended at being uninvited because everyone is - it's levels of family/friends. If you want to also ask siblings and grandparents, that could come under 'immediate family' - Aunts and Uncles are 'extended family' - however, now I don't think that's an option.

If what you want is a 'bigger wedding' with friends and more extended family, and are prepared to have a party next year (which will cost you the same as doing it this year, immediately after the registary office do), you need to think why are you not just doing that.

I'd start again, cancel booking for restaurant. Cancel all invites. Throw the 'next year' party on your wedding day, earlier in the day, get married just you and your parents as witnesses. You could go for a meal with them, then have the evening do.

If you weren't doing the party next year, then I'd say elope completely, but as you are already planning a big wedding reception party, just start again, put that on your wedding day and invite extended family to that.

oh and agree, if you want a small wedding that's not the conventional way for your families (and clearly inviting aunts and uncles is the norm for DP's family), you do need to be firm on yoru boundaries or else this happens. You need ot be in control of all wedding related contact, not via PIL (bit late now, I can see!), don't leave it to them to talk to others.

You need to re-write your guest list. The names that come immedietly after your own should be the people you most want there. Be that your parents or your closest friends. After them come which either of the above you didnt put first. Then sit with DH and discuss who gets the remaining seats.

Stand firm. However if you are getting married this summer I do think it a bit odd waiting til next year for the party bit - could you do it a few weeks after your honeymoon?

Agree with the above

Plus don't worry about your sister and any "thunder stealing" concerns - 1000s of people get married each year..,

You do need to draw the line at some point and parents only is good. Or parents plus siblings and gps. Everything after that goes downhill.

I had a similar situation. I had decided not to invite children but mum would not to go without grandma, grandma would not go without uncle and uncle would not go without niece. I told them sorry she is not invited. They throw a fit ( and by them i mean everybody in the chain) but i stayed firm.

Get control of your wedding.

Don't worry, you're allowed to rant...

I would also be really upset about this. But what would worry me more is that other people (family) seem to think they have the right to run my life.

Doesn't bode well for married life...

can't you just elope?

The problem is that we sent out the invited last week as I thought mil had ok'd the plan.
The weddings in 8 weeks and as it's on a Friday we thought we should get the invites out asap.

The reason we're having a party next year is because we didn't really have the funds this year, nor the time to plan a wedding and because it was short notice, we thought more people could come if it was next year. i know its not really conventional, but we thought it would be a nice way to make our short engagement last a bit longer.

We really want our parents and siblings there. its it not like specifically don't want all of the aunts and uncles there, we see a few of them a lot and its be nice to see them,it's more that we feel that we've had our arms twisted and it adds more pressure to what was supposed to be a lovely day.

We did think we could perhaps write or call them all and just explain that the main event is the party and they shouldn't feel pressured to come this year. this could make things worse though!

I think you'd be better rescheduling and using that as an excuse to cancel some people. Honestly, the photographer and registary office would most likely transfer deposits to a new date. Call family yourself then say that you're really sorry, but you've had to reschedule as there's been a mix up with the registary office and some blah. You're now in a smaller room so can't fit everyone in - it's a real upset but only way you can avoid having to lose your honeymoon date, and so there's not space for all the family now, that you've decided to be fair, rather than having to chose between family members, it's only parents, siblings and grandparents, not aunts and uncles as you didn't want to have pick between them. And I really didn't want to start with upsetting people.

Oh you are disappointed but you're making the most of it, and you're going to throw a party for everyone later in the year. And you just knew they'd be fine about it....

Hold firm. It's your wedding day, make sure it's the one you want so you don't look back and are upset by it.

great tactic MaryW
I agree that you both need to pause and decide what you really want, immediate family, extended family and/or v close friends.

Canceling a few invitations would be a bit odd, but if you cancel everything and resedule on a new date and explaining the lack of space it feels less awkward. Maybe you could take the inlaws offer and invite the people that got canceled at inlaws place for a BBQ or what ever is done in the family.

event at inlaws on an other date

Sorry but I don't think you can really invite some people to the quick ceremony and then not to the restaurant, its such a snub, 20 people go off to eat and you just leave the others? Its rude I am afraid, book a bigger restaurants or reschedule the whole thing. Postpone vhe wedding till you can have the party, a party a year later will lack some of the excitement of it being close to your wedding in date. I hope you manage to get the wedding you want.

Time for Operation Back-peddle and fix. Revert to the original plan.

Parents: thank you so much for your generous contribution to our day. Any monies that we have after the ceremony day will be spent on an amazing reception for all and sundry!

DP's parents: "this clearly isn't working and our intimate wedding is now risking offending so many people so....

DP and I are delighted to announce that we will be getting married on X at Xtime. The ONLY attendees will be immediate parents and NOBODY else.
We will enjoy a meal together after.
Transfer deposit to cover overheads for a meal for 6.

When we host our wedding celebration party invitations will be extended to the world and their wife."

This is YOU and YOUR PARTNER's wedding. Everyone else. All the "they might be offended's" screw them

Revert to plan A. Plan A works.

I think it would be bad form to start cancelling people just two months before. I only had immediate family and best friends at my day do , so I can sympathise. I would add the handful of best friends that you said you really wanted and find a different venue for your meal.

It's your day, which will soon be a memory you will look back on.. Would you rather think "What a lovely day, I did it how I wanted" or "I wish I'd listened to myself a bit more.." Life is short and you only get one of these (hopefully!)

What did you decide in the end?