fuckity fuck off with your wedding help rant alert

[ClartyYakker]

DPs side of the family are lovely. Wonderful people who have hearts of gold and are not at all interfering and have offered no strings attached (and gratefully received) financial support for our wedding in May.

My own family are nightmares.

DM was in tears tonight because she 'couldn't' buy the shoes she wants because they will cost more than my dress (secondhand £50 ebay job, I luffs it!). I explained I didn't mind what she spent on shoes, or dress, or handbag etc, and that of course she won't 'upstage' me (again, my dress is beautiful, I luffs it, its just a bonus it cost £50) and its not her 'fault' I got a good deal.

Dsis is also 'bothered' about wanting a bridesmaid dress that will cost more than my dress and is now trying to find 'cheap' dresses that I know will look crap on her (she is v. stylish) rather than telling me what she wants. Its very nice of her but I feel she is being influenced by DM who has got the idea we are having a 'cheap wedding' and can't afford to pay for things.

Both DM and DB keep inviting people I don't know on the basis that she/ he is paying/ hosting they aren't except in their own heads

They have meddled in the food, the bar, the decoration, the venue and the guest list. I can't tell them to fuck off as they are now heavily involved in providing me with the venue and it is too late to change anything.

Every decision I make is second guessed or undermined or at by my DM.

I know what I am doing (shouts). I'm 32, I'm capable of making decisions about flowers and other weddingy shit. DM has already admitted that she is planning it to be the wedding she never got to have. She has mistaken me not wanting to pay for unnecessary shite for not having enough money. No amount of convincing will persuade her otherwise.

The last straw has come when she is now trying to persuade me to get 'naice' cutlery at £££ to go with my disposable plates because apparently this is really incredibly important. It will be the end of the world and her standing in society if I don't.

My DM was NORMAL until she invited herself to be involved in wedding planning.

Does anyone have any tranquilizers I can borrow over the next few months?
TIA

(GRrrrrrrrr)

Oh dear. I'm glad I got married in 2001 when weddings were, erm, normal and boring!!!

I'm in a similar position. My mum and mil are desperate for me to hire prettier chairs for our village hall wedding. But want me to organise it.

Same with flower arrangements.

I am also getting accused of being to poor to afford certain things when I say don't want them. So patronising!

DP and I are newly engaged and I'm so dreading this part of it. I adore planning things and spending money but I can totally imagine both our families doing this, but with completely different priorities! DP's side will want an open bar, for it to be the biggest party they attend this year. My side will want a "proper" wedding, all traditional.

Families can fuck off out of wedding planning, it isn't their day to bloody organise!

Please don't let them take over. This happened to a friend and it cast a shadow over the wedding.

Keep control of the guest list and invites and put your foot down if they verbally invite people you don't want there. Just say no sorry, we're not inviting them as we don't know them. If anyone says but we do, remind them it's not their wedding.

Pick out a couple of dresses you think will look good on your sister in the price bracket you're happy to pay and ask her what she thinks and to send you some dresses she prefers.
I would worry about budget if I was her as I wouldn't want you to feel you had to buy me a dress that was too expensive so would appreciate a guideline of what you are happy with.

If anyone tries to make you have any other 'wedding shite' just say no and if they try to pay for it, tell them it won't be featuring anywhere on the day so not to waste their money.

You do have to be firm to the point of rude because otherwise giving an inch results in 10miles being taken. As you already understand it's not about helping you have the day of your dreams when you don't have the money. It's about your mum getting a do over regardless of your dreams.

What is it about weddings that turn mothers quite so odd?!
I'm in the middle of wedding weirdness with mine too, sorry, annoying/frustrating/crap isn't it?!

Thanks for that advice Mimi. And I totally get what you mean with regard to giving an inch.

Our families are vocal about the fact that it is our day and it should be how we want it etc. Which is great of them and they are paying or the majority, though not all of it. What they actually want costs more than they are contributing though, I hasten to add.

But... one of the things I have been finding really hard is the fact that I have thought of lots of details with regard to ensuring all guests are kept as comfortable as possible, (we are keeping everyone informed of what is going on, we are paying for all costs for the groom's party etc) but little of this is being acknowledged.

Point in case, we are serving a three course meal, and buffet later, all my mother will focus on is the fact we aren't serving canapes (late ceremony so plenty of time for guests to get lunch first and sitting down to eat at 5.30-6pm)

We are having a homemade cake we will cover in fresh flowers the caterer will cut, present and serve as a pudding but my parents are fretting it will look like 'a birthday cake'.

We have chosen a nut free caterer and aren't serving anything guests are allergic to as I don't want cross contamination, but MIL wants to make sure there is no dairy used in cooking any of the food 'as it may upset her stomach'.

I ordered 24 bottles of champagne for toasts when we need 20. My mother is fretting it won't be enough.

We are laying on taxis between ceremony and reception but one family member is fretting about who she will be in a taxi with.

Cigar I agree what you mean about different priorities, my family want to massively over order food and booze, my DPs partner want to pay for some of it but are refusing to believe caterer approximations for quantities.

OP don't worry about the cost of the dress, your Mum is being ridiculous. My shoes will cost more than the dress. The total cost of my hair and make up will be more than my dress. That doesn't mean I need to spend more on the dress!

Tell your mum and sister you have spent £1000 on underwear! (Or shoes- but you could justify not showing them the underwear;)

They will be reassured and happy!

Tanaqui you are a genius!!!

It's ok OP. I had a mini breakdown in a dress shop this morning. I've put off buying the dress because everyone is so bloody excited and hyper about it and I am DREADING it. Thankfully, the ladies were amazing. Nicely bullied me into a glass of water and a chat... Then a dress. And I feel a million times better for it.

But, here's my rant.
CALM THE FUCKING FUCK DOWN PEOPLE! It's just a bloody wedding and as long as we wind up married do you think I give a sideways shiny shite about the attire of the waitresses (I wish I was joking)
Or the last time the church was cleaned(!!!)

RAAAAAA!

Thank you for the safe venting place and the pillow to scream into

How about you stop involving them when you don't want them to? You could say each time your mother get's nosy/bossy "It's all taken care of" and change subject. If she insists and you don't want to share the details you can say it will be a suprise and flatly refuse to talk further about it. If you want to talk about what you planned you can say it's already been payed for and we are really excited.
If you can, give her something to do that you don't mind what is the outcome. (Like making the thank you cards if she is crafty) And talk about that when you see her.