What would you do?

[ariel333]

I’m getting married in June and sent out Save the Date cards at Christmas. I set the date of the wedding after consulting family and close friends, particularly one friend, S, who has a big birthday coming up in July which I didn’t want to clash with. I have been friends with S for a long time and we got together with our current partners at the same time. I get on her with her boyfriend OK but he doesn’t seem to want to accept us as a couple into their social group so over the years I have ended up mostly seeing her as part of a group of female friends. In the New Year I got an email from S’s boyfriend saying he wasn’t coming to the wedding because he is taking part in a sports event. I strongly suspect that this is an excuse to not go to the wedding. I feel very hurt and basically see this as a rejection of us as a couple and the culmination of lots of small snubs over the years. I also suspect that he will go round crowing to other mutual friends about how he has ‘got out’ of going to the wedding, making it seem a dreary obligation instead of a cause of celebration. S has always buried her head in the sand and pretended there is nothing going on but I feel unable to let this go, even though I may lose her friendship over it, which is the last thing I want to do in the runup to the wedding. I’m also supposed to be going away with her and other friends on her birthday. However I don’t feel unable to plaster a smile on my face and carry on as if nothing has happened. What’s the best way to approach this?

But surely, his absence is no great loss?

Look at it a different way - it means you can invite one more person that you like rather than wasting a place/meal on him.

Also, it doesn't mean that you won't lose her friendship, she hasn't done anything wrong or backed out of your wedding.

Just accept that you and her bloke are never going to be good friends.

Ok so for some reason he hasn't taken to you or your soon to be DH. I suspect that as you've been together about the same time, there is on some level an element of comparison / competition.
Maybe not on your side but maybe he feels it, maybe in the exciting early days your friend excitedly told him about things you guys were doing and he resented it.

There is a chance that your engagement / wedding is throwing up uncomfortable questions about the next steps for them. So he's acting up with the 'dreary obligation' act. Or maybe he's just a jerk.

Either way, I doubt your friend is happy he's already said he isn't going when invites haven't actually gone out, I doubt she really wants to attend alone and thought they'd have a lovely time together.
There's probably been a bit of tension in their household as he's declined alone and not let your friend say she can't wait but unfortunately BF can't make it.

Don't let him take the shine off if he does go down the dreary obligation route, just look a bit bemused and laugh and tell him "oh well you're missing out on a great party" with a little dismissive shrug.
Don't say anything other than its a shame BF can't make it to your friend, and ask her if she's ok with and who would she like to sit with or even bring instead.
Don't see it not as he's snubbing your wedding, more that he's ditching your friend and leaving her to field all the "where's your BF?" Questions which she may well find embarrassing

You don't want to let it go?

What do you want to do about it, really?

Ball her out because he doesn't want to be there? Yes, it would be great if he was nicer and included you but her burying her head in the sand is more than likely her not wanting to make a huge deal out of it.

You still see her. You still have a friendship.

I don't think there's anything you can do except let it go and count yourself lucky that you don't have to deal with him on your wedding day!

I'd not worry about it. if he doesn't want to go.. so what?

Will it make any difference to you really?

He sounds like a bit of an arse - pity her and be kind.

Just continue with your friendship, and leave both partners out of it.

For whatever reason, her partner doesn't like either your partner, or you. This doesn't have to affect your relationship with your friend. I have many friends who I see without our partners. In fact, in several cases, I've never even met their partners!