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Original poster

Inviting children to weddings

23 replies

stopthenoise · 07/08/2013 10:01

Before I start this post I want to say I am not against children at weddings and nor am I planning a ban on children at mine.
Our big day is going to be a very small one, 30 guests at the ceremony and day reception. Our budget and numbers are really tight, there's even some family we haven't been able to invite. We want to invite my friend (I've known her for 15 years) and her husband to the day time but unfortunately it would mean we couldn't invite their children. How do I tell her this?? For the day time we have only invited our closest family and friends and for the ones we couldn't have there we are inviting them for the evening. Do I just not invite her at all? I don't want her to be offended and think oh she doesn't want my kids there cos that's not the reason. It's purely down to numbers and budget. There will be children there but they are family or part of the wedding party.

OP posts:

EllaFitzgerald · 10/08/2013 17:25

I think if you just be honest with her, she should understand. And make sure you let her know that there will be some children there, so she doesn't think it's just her children that haven't been invited.

raisah · 12/08/2013 15:57

My friend has invited me only and not my dc & dh for the same reason. She explained to me thw reason and I accepted as I know how expensive weddings are. She is cutting corners where possible to allow her to have 150 guests. She is having a latee afternoon ceremony (4pm) so is paying for only one reception which starts at 6pm. Everyone has been invited for both the ceremony & reception.

Much better to be honest about your reason for npt including her kids rather than not inviting her at all, which would be rude.

SonyaL80 · 14/08/2013 15:49

She?s been your friend for 15 years right? Then you should be able to be honest with her. Just call her up or go out for coffee and explain the situation to her ? apologise that you can?t cater for her family. Better that then not invite her! Am sure she?ll understand and she might even be grateful about having a lovely day away from the kids!

sweetheart · 14/08/2013 15:53

We are going to a wedding in October of friends where the B&G's immediate family children are invited but no others for this exact reason. I think every guest understands and to be honest I am pleased as I think we will have a much nicer time without the kids because they won't really know anyone there.

AKissIsNotAContract · 14/08/2013 15:57

When I had this discussion with some of my wedding guests most said they would rather not bring their kids anyway. They wanted to be able to enjoy a drink and a dance without the responsibility of looking after children.

GirlWithTheDirtyShirt · 14/08/2013 16:04

I would just have a quick chat about it with her, if you've known her that long I imagine she'd be more than comfortable to tell you if it was going to be a pain for her.

We've just (today!) issued invites to many more guests than you are having and are not including children. We've just made it clear from the outset that we won't be able to include children (although our DD will be there) and most people have done little happy dances at the thought of a child free day. I can only assume none of my guests are MNers!

TimothyClaypoleLover · 14/08/2013 16:05

Just tell your friend the truth. IME most friends prefer to come to weddings without their kids as its hard work looking after kids all day at a wedding. At my own wedding we had family children only but one friend's childcare fell through so we were happy to allow a couple of extra kids.

TiredyCustards · 14/08/2013 16:08

To be totally honest, I'd be offended.

Kids don't eat much, or take up a lot of room, just invite them - weddings are family events.

rubyrubyruby · 14/08/2013 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/08/2013 16:18

We were in this situation, as the guests, stopthenoise. Our friends were very honest with us, and said that, due to the venue size, they couldn't invite children, apart from very close family - and we understood and were completely fine about it.

I would hope and assume that most people would be understanding and wouldn't give you a hard time. I know there are lots of stories on here about people who do get their noses out of joint when their children aren't invited to a wedding, but I suspect that stories about a lack of problems and guests who are reasonable and understanding aren't as entertaining, so we don't get to hear them.

Forester · 14/08/2013 16:28

In general I think it's a shame if children aren't invited as it's not that often that the generations get to properly mix. But I can understand in this case as your numbers are so limited. I would also have a chat with her rather than just putting a note on the invite. And maybe ask whether they think getting childcare will be an issue.

MissTweed · 14/08/2013 16:30

How about saying that children arnt invited due to budget but anyone wishing to take them can if they pay the extra for the children to be there?

DuelingFanjo · 14/08/2013 16:30

depends on the amount of children she has and their ages. If they are strapping 15 year old teenagers then maybe it is too costly to feed them.

LurcioLovesFrankie · 14/08/2013 16:32

Just be totally upfront about it! I've just had a no-children-beyond-immediate-family invitation. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't very disappointed (would love to have gone) but I'm not offended - weddings cost a fortune, and you have to limit numbers somehow. With luck, your friends will have relatives who can mind the children while they're at the wedding, and if they don't, so long as you're gracious about them declining that's fine.

sweetheart · 14/08/2013 16:58

Tiredy - that's not strictly true though is it. The venue will charge them for a meal regardless of how much the children eat and they will take up a space at the table.

sweetheart · 14/08/2013 16:59

and whilst family kids at family weddings are great I think when it's friends and the children don't know anyone they are largely bored by the whole thing.

rubyrubyruby · 14/08/2013 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

breatheslowly · 14/08/2013 18:25

Even when she is invited we prefer not to take DD to weddings. It's unusally a win-win for us, DD and the B&G as we get a weekend off to let our hair down, DD gets a sleepover with her GPs and the B&G get "a space" back. It doesn't work like that for everyone, but we are not the only of our friends to do this. So you may get a god response from your friend.

KellyB1 · 16/08/2013 10:43

Do agree they are part of the family, but also agree about cost and size problems. It is a tricky one!

purpleroses · 16/08/2013 17:42

My friend recently got married, and invited me and DP but not my DCs. She did say that if we were really stuck they would manage to fit them in. I appreciated that they could come if necessary, but did of course manage to leave them behind. Generally I think it's fine to not invite them for local friends. A bit different if they have to travel.

LondonInHighHeeledBoots · 18/08/2013 10:51

I think just tell her that due to budget and space restrictions you can't invite her children, you are sorry and really hope she can still make it - I don't see the issues people have with this really. surely she would a. understand this and b. be more upset that she wasn't invited.

I think that's the only time it's OK to get a bit huffy about children at a wedding is if it is a bf baby, you are doing some but not others with family (or some randomly selected children not others) or of it is a cross country journey for the parents. children are expensive to have, people often have more than one so it turns two friends into a group of 5, and if you have a few you do need to have entertainment and their meals are still expensive and they still take up a seat - if you can only have 100 people at your venue it fills up fast when you have families not couples.

MortifiedAdams · 18/08/2013 10:53

I wouldnt mind one jot at being told the day was very small and that my friend wanted me there but couldnt accomodate my dcs.

Yonihadtoask · 18/08/2013 10:54

In your position I would just tell your friend how it is. Numbers are very lmited - that is the truth.

At our wedding we ended up inviting lots of children (DC of friends) which meant that we had to leave out certain other friends. That was the hardest. I do wish we had had the balls to be more ruthless in that respect, as could have had more adults rather than Dc who barely knew us, or cared that it was a wedding iykwim.

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