Am I not cut out to be a bride?

[purpleroses]

DP and I have just decided to get married. I'm very happy about that :) I want to be married to DP.

But I'm quite uncomfortable about the wedding thing. I do want to have a proper wedding - I think I'd look back with regrets if I didn't. Besides, my sister, cousins, friends, etc have mostly got married already and I feel we should reciprocate with a party.

However I really don't like being the centre of attention. I manage to snarl and pull really stupid faces when anyone points a camera at me. And I'm not at all comfortable with public displays of affection - eg soppy love songs at the ceremony, personal vows, speeches, etc. The thought of all that just scares me. How do I get over that all?

Firstly, congrats to you both and may you have a long and happy life together!

You don't have to get over anything. A wedding is a symbol of how you and your husband love each other, you'll love each other no more or less after you marry. However you chose to do it, it's your business.

We're having no photographer at ours, as I hate photos. Yes there will be family snaps, and yes I'll never have a proper album or beautifully arranged photos to share, but like you I hate the camera and I'd rather enjoy my day than worry about someone trying to take "perfect shots".

Also, your family chose to have a party and the wedding they wanted, you get to choose what you want. If you want a party have one, but you don't owe anyone a meal or a night out.

Thanks Saidar - yes I relise we don't have to do anything in particular. No official photos might be nice. Will have to see how DP feels about that. He does know how much I hate cameras though.

Have already had to fend of requests for a hen do from DSis. She's replaced that with an offer to come shopping with me for an outfit, which is a much nicer prospect :)

Official photos don't have to be posed shots. A lot of photographers do reportage style pics these days where they just snap you having a good time. You can have whatever type of wedding you want, there is no 'must'.

Congratulations!

You don't have to have a 'traditional' wedding with all of the trappings if you don't want one.

Both DH and I hate many aspects demanded by a traditional wedding (formal photos, first dance, top table etc) so we had a lovely cocktail party with generous canapes, minimal speeches, a documentary style photographer (ie not posed photos, he just roamed around in the background and took candid shots and I have never seen my friends/family or me for that matter look better in photos!), etc. I did all my own flowers, had no bridesmaids, no makeup artist or hairdresser etc (one of my girly friends helped me)... Do what you want, it's your wedding!

I've not heard of a photographer who roams around and takes them when you're not looking before - I like that idea much better. The only decent photos anyone's ever taken of me have been when I didn't know they were being taken. And would avoid spending ages on a photo shoot.

Maybe a short ceremony and then straight to a party where the focus is not on me is what I want. None of the formal bit in the middle with speaches, etc.

I've been to lots of weddings and I always think the nicest are those which you feel reflect the couple's personality.

You can have the wedding that you want. You don't have to have speeches, you don't have to have to have a big meal. if you don't the idea of posed photos, don't have them. If you have a civil wedding (which I did, and upset a lot of my family, most of whomnhaven't been to church in decades) you can write your own vows (apart from the legal bit), but you don't have to.

Good luck, and congrats!

We just hsd a small wedding at a gorgeous country hotel. We only had 11 guests so just had an afternoon tea after the ceremony with very informal speeches and it was brilliant. Our photographer took lots of the pics while we were just getting on with things. We did go off for 10 minutes to do the 'posed' ones but we were so relaxed and having such a good time they turned out really good. Also all the guests had gone home by 5.30pm and we didnt even have a big party, which left us with the the evening to spend time just us, which a lot of people dont get on their wedding day.

I do have family members who's wedding ive been to and they werent asked to ours, that were probably a bit annoyed. But like above posts said its totally up to you how you have your wedding. They chose theirs. You get to choose yours. And nobody said anything about it anyway.

You and dh both have to be comfortable. I wanted more people there, dh didnt want any! So we compromised. Sit down with dp and tell him what you want, find out what he wanst. And work out which things are most important to you that you wont budge on. We went somewhere in the middle and i wouldnt change it now

And congratulations!

A bit like you I didn't fancy being the center of attention and so we got married with parents and best friends as witnesses and had a meal afterwards. And the next day had a big party for everyone - no speeches beyond at quick thank you for coming, no first dance, photos from disposable table cameras. It was good fun and maybe would work for you?

Bartbaby - you wedding sounds amazing. Our wedding is the same as yours but we having 13 of us. What time did you get married? None of the people coming dont get why we not having a party a night, but it what we want!

Babysantadue we had the ceremony at 1pm. Then imformal reception drinks and some photo's afterwards. And then the afternoon tea at 2.30-3ish. I told the guests to have big breakfasts with us not eating until later. There was 13 of us in total. 9 adults, our 2 kids, and us. It was so nice to have a nice romantic meal on our wedding night rather than the big party with loads of people.

Congratulations!
Like you, I hate being the centre of attention and having my photo taken.
We had a traditional church wedding with a standard reception & meal. I really didn't care that much about the details of the wedding, but I knew how much it meant to my parents eg for my dad to walk his only daughter down the aisle etc.
We had a photographer who took a couple of posed group shots. His partner blended into the background and took photos while nobody was looking. Most of the photos were unposed.
We didn't have a first dance.
We didn't have a top table - we had a round table in the middle of the room and all the other tables were around us. It meant we were in the middle of the action so could turn around & chat to other tables easily and nobody was too far away.
I had one bridesmaid so we could just find a dress in a colour & style that really suited her. (She'd recently had a baby & it was important to me that my best friend felt comfortable. I also wanted to keep it simple
For my 'hen party', all my friends came to stay at my house for the weekend. We stayed in drinking & eating pizza and chatting on the first night & went out for dinner the second night. There was no fancy dress or L plates etc, just lots of talking & old friends catching up. It was more like a reunion!
So, even of you do opt for a big 'traditional wedding', it's not all or nothing - pick the bits you're comfortable with & leave out the rest.
Have a great day.

Ahh you sound like me, purple, all I wanted was the marriage but without the wedding! As it happens, we had a big wedding but I loved it. I hated the whole 'bride' thing including trying dresses and choosing colours etc. The key for me was figuring out how to adapt things so I was comfortable.

We went for big but intimate wedding but our way. DH and I arrived at the church first together and had a few photos with bridal party. Then we greeted all our guests on arrival at the church (I hated the idea of a grand entrance and everyone staring at me), I wore a simple handmade tea dress (found it at a 2nd hand fair). We had no table plan, people could sit where they wanted, and we had a buffet dinner. The evening ended with about 30 of our friends sitting drinking wine! We didn't have dancing but just background music and games out for people to play. No cutting of the cake, no disco, no 'entrance of mr and mrs cheese' etc.

My advice would be - don't worry if dresses and favours and tablecloths don't excite you, or if the idea of someone doing your make-up gives you the shivers. Lots of us are like it, it's just that no-one talks about it! it's ok not to be excited 24-7 about your wedding (I did call DH crying one night, about this one - everyone kept expecting me to be super-excited all the time, like nothing else was happening in my life!).The most important, exciting thing is that you are marrying your DP. As long as you get married, absolutely everything else is a bonus.

Congrats!

I had the same feelings, but when it came around to it, we had organised the perfect small wedding for us which meant I could relax. And for the first time, I felt quite happy being the centre of attention.

Congratulations

Thanks for the replies - for some reason this had vanished from my Threads I'm On page, so hadn't noticed them.

We seem to be going with the reasonably large party in the evening thing - which I'm fine about as I won't be the centre of attention by then hopefully, and are still working out the earlier details. DP has agreed to no formal photos - some friends of mine did that recently and just set up a webpage for people to upload to, so that will be fine. Have also said I don't want a top table where we all sit in a row - as that looks like you're just on display. We can have round tables for everyone.

Have asked DD and DSDs to be bridesmaids and all are delighted. They're very into the whole wedding thing, which is making me a bit happier about it all. Speaches seem to be on the cards, though as long as I don't have to give one, that's OK I guess. Not sure about readings and things yet though. Might enlist my DSis's help with that as she knows me well, and probably has a better idea than me of what the options are. DP is easy going and says we can do things however I like, but that kind of leaves it all up to me.

We've found a venue which is lovely :) It's very flexible and you just put together whatever you want.