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Original poster

my DD (5) doesn't want to be my bridesmaid [sadface]

29 replies

whattodoo · 09/06/2013 19:53

We are finally getting married, after 7 years together.

I don't think DD really understands that we aren't already married. She knows that my surname is different, but she hears the teachers at school call me MrsDP'ssurname (I can't be bothered to correct them).

We've set the date (next April, so plenty of time) and its going to be a relatively relaxed and informal 'do'.

But the couple of times I've mentioned it to her, she has screwed up her face and said she doesn't want to be bridesmaid.

I honestly don't think she understands what it entails, and I don't want to start bribing her with a pretty dress (which would seal the deal in a flash).

I'm going to drop the subject for now, although now that word is getting out that we've set the date various grannies and aunties keep asking DD if she's excited about being bridesmaid.

Can anyone recommend a book that might explain it to her?

I obviously won't force her, but I do think that once the day arrives, she'll be sad when she understands what it involves and what she's missing out on by not being bridesmaid.

Of course, the obvious solution would be just to buy her a fancy frock and something to carry and not call her 'bridesmaid'.

but I really want her to understand why the day is a special occasion for her, me and daddy.

the only experience she has of bridesmaid's is 'Princess Kate's' and I wonder whether she thinks she's going to have to feature on BBC24hr news or something? There are no other weddings that we are expecting to attend where she might see what a bridesmaid/flower girl looks like/does.

Wow, sorry for such a long post for such a simple question!

OP posts:
OrangeLily · 09/06/2013 19:56

Have you tried using the word flowergirl? I had this issue but it was because said bridesmaid wanted to be a flowergirl and didn't know the difference.

EleanorHandbasket · 09/06/2013 19:56

I had a brilliant book when I was younger that was about Maisie being a bridesmaid, hang on and I'll google it. Maisie was a dungareed scruffy tree climber who was violently allergic to pretty dresses but it all turned out right in the end...

EleanorHandbasket · 09/06/2013 19:57

This one.

Get it, and read it with her.

GColdtimer · 09/06/2013 20:01

Have you asked her what she thinks a bridesmaid does? Perhaps she thinks it will be a lot of work! Or is worried about being the centre of attention. In all honesty, at her age I would just say you get to wear a pretty dress and be an extra special person on the day and hand out the confetti or something. It's also ages away so she has a lot of time to come round to it.

VBisme · 09/06/2013 20:01

Would it be so wrong to bribe her about the pretty dress, at 6 that is what it's all about Smile

GColdtimer · 09/06/2013 20:01

You can keep talking about what it means over time.

Original poster
whattodoo · 09/06/2013 20:23

Thanks all, super advice.

I'll definitely be ordering the book. And dropping it into conversation from time-to-time, including her in looking at stationery, flowers, dresses etc.

And I guess I/we should bite the bullet and explain what a wedding is and what it means for us (essentially nothing that will affect her life), particularly as she's started to notice that not all parents live together.

And it's about time that I should gently let her know that I've been married before.

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 09/06/2013 20:29

Yes of course you need to mention a pretty dress!

She's little. Why should she realise the significance of it all? You do but don't expect her to.

And if she really doesn't want to be a bridesmaid don't push it. She could wear a dress and be with her grandparents during the ceremony?

Don't put your wishes in preference to her own.

Original poster
whattodoo · 09/06/2013 20:33

I wouldn't dream of putting my wishes or preferences above her own! That really isn't what my post was about.

But I do know that on the day she'll realise that her family unit is the centre of the day, and she'll be sad not to be at the very forefront (she loves being centre of attention and everything in her world has to be pink/purple, frilly and pretty at the moment). I just know she'd love being bridesmaid but won't force her or give undue influence.

All I'm asking is how to explain to her what being a bridesmaid is, once she understands then I know she'll be 100% sold on the idea!

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 09/06/2013 20:38

Well then could you sneak it up on her?

I don't quite know how, but have her in the dress and on the day she might decide she would love to do it? Not quite so secure for your plans though.

Do you have a niece/goddaughter that could do it along side her so she's comfortable?

GemmaTeller · 09/06/2013 20:43

Have you explained how important her role will be?

I'd drop mentioning it for a bit and let her come round in her own time.

Have you mentioned about her being a princess for the day Smile

Original poster
whattodoo · 09/06/2013 20:46

Thanks, I think it is a good idea to have the frock ready and ask her on the morning if she'd like to walk in beside me.

As I said, it is a low-key event, registry office and pub afterwards. So there really is no specific 'job' for her to do other than look adorable. I would have liked to get her a 'bridesmaid' necklace or book or summat, but I'll leave that til far nearer the time!

Nieces and goddaughter are far older than her, and I don't want to end up with a whole crowd following me down the 'aisle'. Maybe a school friend might be a bridesmaid between now and then [ponders].

OP posts:
Growlithe · 09/06/2013 20:49

I can't understand why you won't bribe her with the pretty dress TBH. What is the role of a 5 yo bridesmaid if it isn't to look cute in a pretty dress and get made a fuss of?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 09/06/2013 21:01

I really cant see the issue tbh. Why would she understand. Shes tiny.

I was a flowergirl at 6 and I do remember a lot about doing it, but at the time it was all about wearing a dress, walking down the aisle and getting slobbery kisses off strangers at the reception. Boak.

Tell her about the pretty dress and let her get excited. You cant expect a 5 year old to understand the bigger picture.

ginmakesitallok · 09/06/2013 21:05

Given that she's unlikely to be arranging the hen do and strippers surely being a bridesmaid IS just about the pretty dress?? You and DP getting married isn't going to change your family unit - the day after the wedding you'll all be just the same as you were. Filling her wee head with all sorts of expectations about becoming a family unit (when you are already one Confused) isn't going to help her??

Chubfuddler · 09/06/2013 21:06

It's too far away to expect her to be excited Bout or understand. Just leave it until a few weeks before.

fuckwittery · 09/06/2013 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuckwittery · 09/06/2013 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
whattodoo · 09/06/2013 21:10

OK, I really don't know how this turned so controversial?!

I know we are already family unit, I don't think I said anywhere that we weren't Confused.

I know she's tiny and won't understand all the ins and outs and reasons why we're getting married. All I'd like her to understand is that its a special day for me and her daddy and that we want her to share it with us as the most special person in our world.

Yes, if it comes to it then I'll sway her with a pretty dress and possibly not give her a 'title' of bridesmaid. She will have no other responsibility than to be adorable and dance with me when her father refuses to.

Thanks for all suggestions and tips.

OP posts:
SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 09/06/2013 21:29

What exactly is it that you want her to understand and treat as important?
The serious side of things (the commitment you are making, the family feelings etc) is probably a bit advanced for her age. The fripperies side of things - well he'll, bribe her with the dress !

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 09/06/2013 21:31

*hell not he'll. and I see you've answered the question. Maybe if the language of special frocks is what she understands then 'it's an ultra-special day so you get an ultra-special frock' is what's needed?

sashh · 10/06/2013 10:30

Mummy and daddy love each other very much, they want to tell the world by having a special ceremony called a wedding. They will be inviting lots of people to see them do this.

This ceremony means mummy and daddy want to spend the rest of their lives together. Mummy and daddy want dd to take part in this special ceremony because they want to show her how much she is loved (probably a better word than ceremony) and little girls who take part are called 'bridesmaids', they get to wear a special dress, carry flowers and get a present.

Trills · 10/06/2013 10:56

How would mentioning the pretty dress be "bribing her"?

At 5 the pretty dress is about 50% of what being a bridesmaid is (the other 50% being walking down the aisle and being in lots of pictures).

Pandemoniaa · 10/06/2013 11:27

You've got until next April - nearly a year away - until she's actually going to be your bridesmaid and she'll be older and much more able to understand the significance of your day. Right now, if her only understanding of weddings is based on the massive circus that is a Royal Wedding I can understand where she's coming from! She probably thinks it'll be totally overwhelming. Unlike the simple ceremony you are planning.

Also, there's really nothing wrong in offering the opportunity of wearing a pretty dress. My dgd (2.6) was my bridesmaid recently (although she insisted on telling me she was a "Brighton Maid") and got very excited indeed about the outfit. We'd already decided that we'd play things by ear on the day in case she changed her mind about being involved but actually she liked walking in with me. Which was all that she - or any other bridesmaid at a civil wedding is expected to do.

So I'd really not be worrying about this right now. Over the next few months read the recommended books and talk about your wedding in a low-key way that she'll understand.