Im not inviting my dad to our wedding.

[Rootvegetables]

Ive posted this in wwyd as well but no replies yet

My parents got divorced very messily over a decade ago, my dad behaved appallingly and I won't go into detail but the whole situation and the fall out was entirely his fault. My mum is wonderful I'm externally close to her whole family they are all brilliant. I don't really see my dads family maybe once a year.
I speak to my dad maybe once a week and see him
Every couple of months. The relationship is an odd one and I have to put a lot of history out of my head and ignore the huge elephant in the room, but we muddle along.
I don't want him or any of his family at my wedding it would make the day unpleasant for my mum and the wonderful family that I have grown up with.
Now how do I tell him I'm getting married? It's looming rapidly, next month, and he's still none the wiser!? Any ideas? Thanks

He will be heartbroken by the way.

If you're not inviting him, I would tell him after you got married.

To not invite him is your choice, and understandable. But to tell him then say he can't come seems a bit spiteful, IYKWIM.

He will be heartbroken and maybe a part of you thinks he deserves it. What does your mum say - she might not see it the same way you do. If you really can't have him at your wedding what about you and your partner meeting him for a pre wedding dinner?

Tell him after, if you think he could cause trouble. Poor you, sounds very difficult.

Agree with moanings first sentence - maybe I should have said post wedding dinner.

I'm with moaning do it after the fact then you don't have to deal with another pre wedding stress (if he tries to guilt you out of your decision).

This is a hard one. If you truly don't want him there then can you have a separate 'gathering' for your dad?
If you sat him down and had an honest conversation about your descision and the reasons for it how would he respond? Would he be upset and understanding? Or just upset and angry?
Is this choice for you or your mum?
I can't begin to imagine my dad not being at my wedding but then I don't have your history.

Thanks for your replies, it is a tricky one! I don't want him there either, in ideal world it would be great but there is too much water under the bridge, although my main reason is his treatment of my mum I know I would feel uncomfortable too as I think him giving me away etc would seem too false. I think he would be upset and sad but maybe get angry at some point as well which would make me worry about him turning up or something. So I'd rather tell him after like you all suggest but that seems so mean! Thanks again

I suppose the fathers role is quite important and it would seem wrong to have him doing all that when he's called so much trouble. I have a brother who I'm close too so he can do the role well but I am a bit sad I don't have a dad to do all those things not particularly my dad. Not sure if that makes sense! I know how my mum would feel and I know its not fair on her or anyone else to have him there.

Have you considered inviting him but not having him give you away?

Do you not want him to come ? Or do you feel you owe it to your mum?

I am not feeling that convinced you don't want him there, TBH. FWIW my dad is a proper twat. When I got married he came as a bog standard guest like every one else, I didn't really want to invite him but I felt I would look an arse if I didn't, so I went for a kind of middle ground.

He made no speech, didn't give me away, we had no top table. I felt it was the least-worst solution to a crappy situation.

It's only a day, the wedding is just a day, it's the marriage that is important. But I would look at all the options - not inviting him is a strong statement for someone who you do see regularly (I don't speak to mine for months at a time, see him 2-3 times a year, he lives within 10 miles etc)