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Original poster

Do I want what I think I want?

17 replies

mummymccar · 09/11/2011 16:06

DP and I are expecting our first baby and want to get married. We've wanted to get married for quite a while and always planned for sometime in the future. I managed to stumble on a scary government document last night telling me exactly why getting married is so important and so DP and I had a chat about getting married before the day.
We agreed that if it was what we both wanted then we would have a small register office ceremony for the legal bit before the baby comes and then a bigger wedding at some point in the future.
The issue though is that we are completely broke. We can just about afford a small register office do if we save for the next few months and don't buy wedding clothes, rings, etc. So a big wedding is a probably unrealistic.
How can I get the best of both worlds? Should we put off the smaller ceremony and just wait for a bigger one which may never happen or make our small ceremony into a slightly bigger affair and make a few sacrifices? (we always wanted to get married abroad. Obviously we couldn't do that on such short notice as I'm 6 months gone now)
We've talked about it but neither of us can come up with a solution.
Does anyone have any outside wisdom they can offer please?

OP posts:

Original poster

mummymccar · 09/11/2011 16:08

sorry, that should read 'chat about getting married about the baby comes'.

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AbsofCroissant · 09/11/2011 16:16

Well, you could do the small registry office one, with clothes you have now, maybe quick celebratory drink or something afterwards (for my local registry office it works out around £200 in total, for licenses, notices etc. and hire of the room, but it's a pretty fancy registry office). Then, start saving, even just putting aside £5 a week or so and have a bigger party with friends and family later on, maybe after the baby arrives. You could even ask (don't know how amenable your friends and family would be to this) that instead of presents, could people bring food and drinks (and have a buffet meal) and see if you could find a hall to host it in?

NatashaBee · 09/11/2011 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

mummymccar · 09/11/2011 16:23

I suppose that actually getting married in a small ceremony would mean that we would have more freedom of venue with the larger wedding as we'd only need a blessing, not a legal ceremony.
I love the buffet idea. It'd really get everyone involved. Everyone on both sides of the family loves cooking too (my mum actually wants to open her own restaurant) so I think they'd have fun doing that. Thanks for the suggestion!

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Original poster

mummymccar · 09/11/2011 16:30

Hi Natasha, thanks for the suggestion. We won't be having the baby christened (I'm from a Christadelphian family and he is athiest) but I like the idea of combining it with an another event. Both DP and I have birthdays very close so we could maybe hold a joint celebration for that later on.

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worldgonecrazy · 09/11/2011 16:37

Do your legal thing now, start saving and have a handfasting celebration at the traditional "a year and a day" or even maybe on a particular wedding anniversary. Best of both worlds.

Original poster

mummymccar · 09/11/2011 16:48

Just googled handfasting - I love it! Such a fantastic idea.
Thank you so much for all the advice, it feels like a huge fog is starting to lift!

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PotteringAlong · 09/11/2011 16:56

Have a lookout deals too - if you could get married on (for example) a Wednesday it will cost you less than a Saturday, even at the registry office.

You could still have a fabulous day for not much money - there was a great thread on here about it a while ago; I'll see if I can find it.

And congratulations!

PotteringAlong · 09/11/2011 17:02

here's one

PotteringAlong · 09/11/2011 17:03

and another!

Original poster

mummymccar · 09/11/2011 17:15

Thank you PotteringAlong! Sat here with my notepad making copious notes now...

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GirlWithALlamaTattoo · 18/11/2011 09:06

One of my friends was in a similar position. They got married quietly, just the two of them, and had a wedding blessing and christening after their baby arrived. No reason you can't have a party or naming ceremony, if blessing and christening don't fit in with your beliefs.

My friends were really skint at this time - she was on mat leave and he'd been made redundant. They invited people to join them for lunch in a nice country pub, but apologised that they couldn't afford to pay for us. The consensus was that all the friends and family were pleased to be invited to share in their special day, and quite happy to buy their own lunch.

In the end, they laid on a simple but tasty buffet. I'm not sure if Granny helped, or if they managed to do a good deal with the pub. Another nice country pub near us will lay on a free buffet if you bring x number of guests.

Alternatively, would a party at your house be an option? Could you gear up family and friends to do the food and clearing up?

abbeylockhart · 18/11/2011 09:12

Do you really think you'll have MORE money after the baby comes?

A blessing isnt a wedding, dont expect other people to take it as seriously, can you ever justify spending 1000s on 'just a party'?

SolidGoldVampireBat · 18/11/2011 09:15

Abbey: Actually a lot of people consider the 'ceremony' the real 'wedding', aside from the legal formalities. I am a BHA celebrant and while our ceremonies are not legally binding they pack a lot of emotional resonance for both the couple and their guests.

worldgonecrazy · 18/11/2011 10:19

Ditto to what SGVB said. I'm a handfasting celebrant too and it is taken very seriously by all attending - a good celebrant will easily ensure that there is the correct mix of solemnity and joy.

MmeLindor. · 18/11/2011 10:24

Why don't you tell your friends and family that you are getting married on X day, that you are totally skint but would love them to share the day with you.

Find a nice pub and ask your friends if they would mind, instead of presents, paying for their own meals.

Or hire a hall and ask everyone to bring food and drink to share.

Original poster

mummymccar · 04/12/2011 09:23

Apologies for disappearing, my 'threads I'm on' wasn't showing me any updates!
Thank you so much for all the advice. After a chat with our parents about it we've realised that we are going to leave the ceremOny before baby comes and instead put the money towards having a bigger celebration that our family can join in with. We live miles away from our family (mine across country, DP's in another country) and we realised that it just wouldn't feel right if they weren't there and we'd feel awful about bringing them all the way over to us just for a quick meal in a restaurant, especially as some of them would have to fly over, book hotels, etc. if they lived closer we probably would but it just isn't right for our situation right now.
We've decided instead to have a garden or village hall wedding with our family and friends there. We are quite laid back so thought we'd go with a buffet style, games, table of fete style cakes, etc. we're going to push it back a couple of years to give us time to save up too.
Thank you so much for all your advice!

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