Low-key wedding with friends, should we tell families beforehand?

[chillipickle]

We are getting married in December, and planning to only have friends there. However we're not sure what to do about telling our families.

We have been together 11 years, have two small DCs and are in the process of moving house, so we don't have the time/energy/motivation to organise a big wedding. Instead we will be staying in a house with a group of 10 old friends (most of whom also have small DCs), and will have a register office ceremony in the morning followed by lunch, and then probably do something with the children in the afternoon before packing them off to bed so we can enjoy a few drinks.

We did consider just inviting our immediate families (parents, siblings and their partners/children), but that amounts to 14 people, which is a big increase on the size of the party. Also it would involve a fair bit of travelling for them, for an event that will be over in a couple of hours - although I suppose we shouldn't mind about this if they don't.

I don't particularly want to keep it secret from our families, but if we do tell them beforehand and get a bad reaction for not inviting them, obviously we'll feel under pressure to change our minds.

On the other hand, if we announce it after the event and get a similarly bad reaction, there's not much can do to redeem the situation.

What do other people think?

I think it's quite hard not to tell your family beforehand, but equally hard not to invite them! DH and I got married in secret - with just 2 witnesses - didn't even tell the DCs. That way, there was no upset that we invited X but not Y, which is what I think you're worried about.

You could tell them beforehand and maybe just invite parents, rather than all your siblings etc. I think most people understand if you don't want fuss/to spend loads of money etc. Do you think your family are likely to react badly if you tell them afterwards?

Well, we THINK they would be OK with it, but difficult to be sure. I worry too that they might not say anything but have hurt feelings that we did invite friends and not them. I suppose in the back of my mind, I wonder how I would feel if our DCs didn't invite us to theirs in the future.

My family don't see each other that often and don't speak all the time the way some families do. But I think the mere mention of weddings can bring out some fairly unpredictable behaviour, and at least one of my siblings is very good at simmering resentment.

OH's parents have sometimes pointed out that a big wedding is not necessary and we could just book a register office and do it. I suspect this is because they would prefer that we were married, however we did it.

We also considered the 2 witnesses option, but went down this route because we were already planning a weekend get-together with friends, and it was a bit of an afterthought to book the register office too.

Inviting only parents and no siblings would be practical from the point of view of numbers, but then we would have a slightly strange party consisting of all our friends plus two sets of parents (who have never met each other and have very little in common) so actually it would be easier to have more of the family there to keep them company.

We have also considered, as we are in the process of buying a house, that we could tell them by inviting them to a housewarming/wedding celebration party after the event.

Why not tell them beforehand but invite them to a celebration afterwards at your new home, you could do proper invites making it formal.

I'd be gutted if my brother got married and invited his friends but not me. I suppose it all depends on the relationship you have with your families.

I'd be miffed if I hadn't been told about it and then discovered afterwards that friends had been present and you'd had a gathering afterwards - however low key. Then again I am close to my family.

I think the diplomatic thing to do would be to invite them to the ceremony. I think it is important you give them the choice. It maybe far to travel, but it is for your wedding, so even if they don't come, at least you have told them it is happening, rather than not giving them the option to come because they didn't even know about it.

Of course if they attend the ceremony then they will most likely want to come to the lunch afterwards - would that be so awful?

If you want them to be happy that they were invited, but you don't want to have to pay for them, can you invite just the parents, whilst apologetically describing the length of journey and what you have planned for the evening? Then they know in advance and can decide. Either they'll turn up for the ceremony and disappear again, which involves no extra cost, or they'll not attend and you'll still have invited them.

I do something similar for any do where I don't ant certain relatives attending, but know I have to invite them if i want to keep peace...

I did this for my wedding, btw. Worked a treat.

Ooh, VikingLady, that sounds like a possible plan!

Actually it would probably be fine if some of our families did come and wanted to join us for lunch too, QueenVic, but what we are trying to avoid is the whole thing escalating out of control and before we know it, we're organising a full-blown wedding reception.

I suppose we would just have to be extremely clear in advance about what's on offer.

The trouble with my family is that they have all forgotten (or are blissfully unaware of) the limitations of life with small children. So they would probably see a morning wedding ceremony and early lunch as a suitable prelude to an afternoon of riotous drinking. Which they are perfectly welcome to do, of course! As long as they don't mind organising it themselves.

Think Viking is right too. Invite them to the ceremony/lunch, but make it clear that the afternoon/evening plans will revolve around the children and perhaps in doing so it won't sound so appealing to them.

Be very clear about what the day is going to involve, and the fact that the formal celebrations are going to end after lunch. You could even make suggestions about what they could do in the area following the lunch?

It doesn't have to escalate into a full blown wedding reception. It is your day, and you should control it by making clear to your family how it's going to run. They can either participate or not if they don't like it, but at least you have given them the option to be a part of the day.