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Original poster

Church v's no church :(

14 replies

Sarsaparilllla · 14/03/2011 09:51

I got engaged at the end of last month and already we're bickering about where to have the ceremony.

My fiance is catholic and wants a church ceremony (tho I'm sure it's more what his mum wants than him personally Hmm
) and I have no desire whatsoever to have any kind of church ceremony.

Much as I love his mum & I don't want to fall out with her, it's not her wedding, it's mine!!!

The idea of walking down an aisle in a massive church actually fills me with complete dread, I just want a small, intimate ceremony and for the whole thing to be pretty casual. I'd rather have a hog roast or a BBQ than a sit down 3 course meal :)

Already he's mentioned all these long lost relatives his mum wants to invite - people who he doesn't even know Angry

I don't want a bunch of complete strangers at my wedding, I'm leaning towards doing a bunk to Vegas and get married by an Elvis impersonator ;o but apparently his mum would never speak to us again rolls eyes

Ugh, anyone else managed to come to a resonable compromise about this kind of thing?

OP posts:
Aims80 · 14/03/2011 14:14

Well I guess it depends who is paying for the wedding, if it's you guys there is absolutely no point in inviting relatives that he doesn't even know, just to appease his mother!

Re the religion thing, if it's really important to him, maybe suggest the wedding you want- ie a small civil ceremony, then with more people for the meal (hog roast) and reception.. and do a "blessing" on another day for family?

GooseyLoosey · 14/03/2011 14:17

It is possible to find very small chapels which don't fit too many in. My cousin filled one such with about 25 people. It was lovely and very intimate too.

meditrina · 14/03/2011 14:22

You could consider a small church wedding.

Or you could elope, and have your "real" wedding in Vegas, then come back for a small church blessing followed by a reception. If your DH-to be wants a religious ceremony, then I think that is something to be respected.

You might also want to think now about what views he has on bringing up children and his religion.

supadupapupascupa · 14/03/2011 14:23

i think planning a wedding is a good practice for married life Grin

you both need to be very clear about what is an absolute to you, and what can be compromised on.

ask him if his mother died, would he still want this type of wedding?

at the end of the day, you have to come to some sort of agreement.

I wanted small, DH wanted church. TBH as long as I married him it didn't really matter where. I let it go. It didn't matter. I'm saving for bigger arguments.

If you are paying for it all yourself then i would say you have a very good case for keeping it small.

DO NOT be bullied into inviting people you don't know/want. You will probably struggle to invite all the people in your life you want there without everyone else. It's a generation thing where parents held the party, not appropriate now imo.

Gemjar · 14/03/2011 14:28

Sounds similar to me, DS and especially his parents are Catholic and I am definitely not. There was also talk of distant Irish relatives that not even DS had ever met having to be invited because they were family.

As it turned out, DS's Mum didn't insist on any of this at all, there was one slightly awkward moment when we told her that were were getting married in our parish church and she assumed that that meant the church where DS had grown up (and where they still live) and not the one were we actually live.

My advice is that if it is important to your DP to marry in a church then at least go and speak to your parish priest and discuss the fact that you are not Catholic. I made it clear that I would not be converting any time soon, and didn't want a full mass but I was immediately reassured by the priest who went through every bit of the ceremony and we discussed the role that God would or would not have to play in the vows. I appreciate that we were in a church, but as far as I see it my vows were made to my husband and no one else, not even the large spaghetti monster in the sky :o

As for inviting unwanted guests, then it really does depend who is paying, if you are paying for the majority then it really is your decision who comes to your wedding, if there is a reception venue that you really like then book it and if it only holds a limited number of people then that could be a good excuse for not inviting the world.

NoodlesMam · 14/03/2011 15:05

When DH and I got married, we both wanted a Church wedding but not the big formal reception. We got married in our local church at 5.30pm and went straight on to our informal hot buffet reception. Put your foot down re inviting everyone, specially if you are paying. Everyone wants their day to be perfect, and mine was, it wasn't everything I had dreamed of and there had to be compromise but I married my DH, and therefore it WAS perfect!

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 14/03/2011 15:53

There was also talk of distant Irish relatives that not even DS had ever met having to be invited because they were family

Yes, that's exactly the conversation we had!! He said something like, 'oh mum will want to invite all the Irish/B'ham side of the family, I don't even know them tho'

At which I was a bit like Hmm
but tbh if we're paying for it I think he'll soon change his tune, once we start totting up the costs he'll realise it's just not feasable (let alone the fact that I don't want to be at my own wedding surrounded by people I don't know!)

I think for that reason alone I'm going to insist that we do pay for it all ourselves, that way we keep control :)

I think it's just the assumption that we'll have the whole Catholic Mass that got my back up as much as anything, I don't like being pushing into decisions and not given a choice

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 14/03/2011 16:00

You might also want to think now about what views he has on bringing up children and his religion

I have no problem with bringing up any children Catholic if that's what he wants, but he'll have to take charge of it if it involves christenings/etc because I don't know anything about it, and I'm not converting

His sister is getting married in the 'family church' in July so I'll see it, I just get the impression it's a huge church, a smaller chapel I could possibly cope with, it's just not how I've ever imagined my wedding :(

OP posts:
Aims80 · 14/03/2011 16:06

You do need to compromise but don't lose sight of who's wedding it is, in the end, it's alllll about you (and a little bit about him.. lol).

alarkaspree · 14/03/2011 16:12

My dh expressed a preference for a church ceremony, and I didn't want one. So I said, okay, if it's really important to you then you find a church with a vicar willing to perform the ceremony (we are not churchgoers) and we'll have it there.

And he said he'd be happy with a civil ceremony.

Aims80 · 14/03/2011 16:15

haha, yeah exactly.

NoWayNoHow · 14/03/2011 16:19

My friend had a similar problem and they came up with a really lovely solution.

Her and her DH got up at 8am, went in relaxed casual clothes to her church with just their mothers in attendance where they were officially married.

Later in the day, they had a lovely outdoor ceremony, still officiated by the same priest, but who only blessed the rings and "finished off" the ceremony from earlier. This was when she had the dress/readings/songs/guests etc.

Could something like this work for you? And informal and extremely small church formality in the morning, and then a larger ceremony later in a different venue?

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 14/03/2011 16:44

NoWayNoHow, that sounds like a good compromise! :)

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 23/03/2011 08:31

We had a c of e ceremony which dh wanted. Didn't want it so much after a whole day (10-16.00) marriage prep, 3 bann readings in freezing church, wedding rehearsal and £550 fee. But it was lovely.

However, this is your wedding. Not mil wedding. She had hers years ago.

Pay for it all yourself and be very firm. The only unwanted guest I had to put up with was dh work friend who cheats on his wife and I still resent it now!.

The easiest word is no. Because after no you don't have to do anything.

Have a budget, stick to it and refuse all offers of money because they expect a say if their contributing and mil has to learn you are now in controll not her.

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