Weaning depressing me! Am I alone?

[Emalina]

Weaning is depressing the hell out of me, and over the last couple of days most mealtimes I end up in tears. I realise this is bad for DS (6.5 months) and really try hard to stay calm and positive BUT weaning was going brilliantly for first 4 weeks.

Now DS very clearly wants to be in charge and won't let me spoon feed him even though he is hungry - he will eat finger foods, but most ends up on floor and takes ages. He will take a few spoonfuls from me, and favours sweet over savoury, but mealtimes are really a chore now.

Knock on effect is also not sleeping for morning nap when hasn't had enough breakfast, and waking at 5am hungry. Also means milk feeding times are all over the place, and I am a Mum who needs a routine so I can plan my day - I BF and don't like doing it in public.

Anyone out there been through/ going through stress over weaning?

Your little one is still quite small. He doesn't need to be on 3 meals a day yet, and I think you acting like a control freak over feeding (sorry, that's just the way you're coming across in this thread and the other's you commented in) and IMO it's just going to give him food issues. (I watched my little sister get fussed over with food as a kid and now all she bloody eats is pot noodle.)

You need to relax. If he wants to be in charge, let him! Give him food big enough to grab, let him have a go, don't rush him and don't panic over the mess. If you need - for your sanity - to set a time limit on feeding then do so, but bear in mind that this is a whole new game to him and he'll want to experiment.

Good luck.

ditch the spoons. he can feed himself. fill him up with milk while he learns how to eat more.

ditto all of the above. By the sounds of it you'll find this difficult to follow but have a look at baby led weaning. You don't have to follow it to the letter but I think it would be worth reading about in terms of relaxing and letting him take the lead.

I think the best thing might be to have a routine for milk feeds, and see those as his main meals still - he obviously isn't desperate to move to solids, and milk can still provide all his nutrition. Then, either at your mealtimes, or when he's coming up to a milk feed so he's a bit hungry, give him some finger foods, let him play with them for ages and enjoy the freedom to eat/do other stuff while he's distracted. Aim for once or twice a day rather than 3 times, and don't bother with spoon feeding except for anything he really likes - if he likes yoghurt, you could eat one and give him a few spoonfuls.

I know from experience it can be stressful if your little one doesn't get into solid food for a long time, as it's hard not to compare with other babies and there may be family pressure. But he will eventually, so just do what you have to to minimise the stress in the meantime.

first of all dont buy into these 'food issue' comments that sooo many people on here use as a stick to beat a mum trying their best. DD1 and I had food battles for 2 years and now aged 5 is a brilliant eater with no food issues. She just clicked one day in the mean time it was my responsibility to convince her to eat a full nutritious diet which was essential for her development. BLW is not the holy grail and may be ok one day and not the next. you don't have to do the same all the time or even meal to meal (teeth/moods/taste/illness etc; forever changing so your methods may have to too). do what you can. combine spoon feeding with finger food. do airplanes. use music/tv/singing as disctraction. leave with finger food, relax and ignore - do washing up hoovering whatever(whilst keeping a close eye) do whatever to keep your self sane - its only for a time (i used to chant this some times). if you have time for BLW do it. but the main thing is to take bits of advice on here and elsewhere and make a best fit for your own sanity/wellbeing, your baby will be fine as long as milk intake remains reasonable, its ok to walk away and count to 10 if it gets too much. stick to a routine if thats what you need to do (i find it easier to as I am a control freak - shoot me). milk is important but so is learning to take solids so keep trying at same times each day and fill up with milk after a set amount of time if that helps. if you have a time cut off point and know that the milk will provide what the solids hasn't then that should make you feel more relaxed. anyway enough of my rambling i hope that you dont get too depressed and realise that your best is good enough.

"BLW is not the holy grail"

Nobody said it was, but if that's the way her LO is leaning then going with it instead of fighting it will be less stressful in the long run.

It's bugger all to do with "using it as a stick to be at a mum" - nobody is beating anyone.

I found weaning both my dcs a bit depressing. They both went to solids very well, but the change in bf routine and my diminishing milk supply seemed to reduce my happy bfeeding hormones. I think some of it was that they were becoming a bit independent from me, but some of the anxiety was hormonal.

My only advice fwiw, would be to try to continue to be positive about weaning, but also be a bit kind to yourself. You are going throught chnages as well. Good luck!

Yentil your advice sounds excellent. Thanks for your calming input! I am also having problems with weaning, and its really getting me down. I'm trying everything but my 6 1/2 month old just doesn't seem interested. Every mealtime it's the same. I try giving him finger foods to play with, aswell as purees, and I've tried different settings and times, I'm just worried he's not getting enough nutrition (although he's still drinking loads of milk). This weaning thing is not as easy as people make out! I spoke to the health visitor who couldn't really give any proper advice, other than that I feel like I'm on my own. All the other babies we hang around with are eating loads - even proteins now. I'm hoping one day he'll click on and I'm trying not to get stressed, but I'm sure he's picking up on my worry.
Emalina it's hard not to get down about it I know.... just hang on in there, hopefully these babies will pick it up some enough ;-)

No you are not alone, and this is third time around for me. Very frustrating and depressing, especially when combined with crap sleep.

Thank you so much for your advice and support. I think it is hormonal for me, probably more than anxiety about DS, as some days he eats brilliantly. I just keep crying all the time anyway and feel s**t. DS was on a good milk feed routine, but with introduction of solids it has become quite random.

Today he wouldn't take solids for dinner, but wouldn't take a full milk feed either, and cried off and on for 2 hours.

From reading posts on here I know there are loads of Mum's having a much harder time than me, I really wish I could be more chilled out - I hate my DH and DS seeing me like this.

flickermilk is ok for now. I would stick to a routine and always have milk ready to top up after any solid intake. That's what I did. When DC2 was 7/8 mths a bit older with still no progress I decided to drop a milk feed and then I found lunch started to finally happen. Then dinner a while later etc. be realisitic about your expectations (I found counting spoonfuls for the less popular food stuffs helpful 'i'll aim for 5 today then offer the milk which i know they'll like') and take one meal at a time and be happy if milk offered is taken because this will be enough anyway. Eventually after months of needless worry you relax they relax and food becomes more interesting for them
et voilà.

Emalina - any chance you're a bit depressed at the thought of your baby moving on to the next stage? x

Emalina - have you spoken to your GP/HV about feeling like this? Is there a chance you're suffering from PND/general depression? I think everyone gets anxious about certain things to one degree or another but crying all the time is not good.

aw emalina. how have you got on today?

he's still only 6months old. he really needs very very little food.

talk us through today.

Hi everyone - thanks for your support. ~Sorry this is a long post..

I've had depression in the past, and being a Mum is bringing back all my feelings of inadequacy and feeling not good enough, but anti-depressants have never helped me (I've had therapy a few years ago). I was going to talk to HV, but thought I'd leave it till next week, see how we go.

DS is really doing well with weaning, and I know it's normal for him to eat some days, and not others.

Yentil - wondering what your routine is/was as I've realised this is main thing that is getting me down - spent first 4 months trying to get DS into a routine, and have had about 6 enjoyable weeks of BF at 7am, sometimes a top up at 8am as DS can't always eat a full feed first thing, between 10.30/11am, 2.30/3pm, 6.30pm and DF at 10.30pm.

His feeds seemed to reduce initially after 4 weeks of weaning, and I was looking forward to having a bit of freedom - not having to worry about where I am in order to BF. But now I'm confused about when to feed alongside solids, and what to do if DS refuses solids.

Currently am BF 7am, Breakfast 8am, but if he refuses it needs another BF in order to sleep well, then somedays he wants more at 11am, somedays he'll wait till after lunch, then BF around 3pm, solids 5.30pm, but he can't seem to wait until after his bath so has more milk after dinner, then again before bed, and sometimes won't settle and takes more after I've put him down. Then DF at 10.30pm. Yesterday he had 7 milk feeds!

I'm thinking of introducing formula in the day time, and just BFing first thing and in the evening. I've found BFing restrictive, and am really happy I've made it to 6.5 months, but I'm finding it really hard to make the break - and maybe I need to for my sanity!

BUT my anxiety is 'how will I cope with formula - will it be harder to manage than BFing even?! Will it put him off his solids? Will he stop wanting to BF at all?!

Any reassurance about introducing formula alongside BFing?

I don't know anything about introducing formula, sorry.. just wondering if it would help to address the problems you have with feeding in public to make it less restrictive for you?

What is it about it that you don't like? (May seem like a silly question but different people are bothered by different parts )

Have you been to any BFing groups or suchlikes nearby?

I found that once I introduced FF and could go out on my own and leave DH to feed I immediately felt better about being home with baby and feeding in
general. I initially wants to BF morning and night in other words mix feed but milk quickly dried up. But hey. Stuck at it for many months so was ok with ending BF (and frankly relieved). My FF schedule was the same as your times really. But I found breakfast at 9.30 was more sucessful followed by nap and no feed between breakfast and lunch (12.30/1) then 3/3.30 bottle then nap, dinner at 6 bath and bottle at 7.30 and DF at 11 which we have just dropped at 10 months. First bottle at 7 am. Weight gain not affected which is a good sign even with all the frantic crawling. Milk
intake is around 18-21 oz now but was up to 30oz for first couple of weaning months. HTH

Forgot to say mid morning bottle first to go then dream feed and I think mid afternoon will be next.

I also struggled/struggle with depression. You're not alone. I think for me time is the healer. As my first child became more self sufficient/more able to communicate and in my eyes less vulnerable I start to relax and enjoy more. Same thing happening with second so not going down meds route. Counselling either with a professional or speaking with friends family mumsnetters more valuable I find. Well done so far.

I've found weaning my two kids depressing and difficult both times and both times was convinced they would never eat. But six months is a long time in the world of weaning.

First time with dd she refused to eat off a spoon so just gave her finger food (most of which went on the floor!) and spoons dipped in yogurt etc for her to lick. After about 2 months she suddenly went for the spoon and had a mix of spoon feeding and finger foods, with plenty of off days but she eventually got it by the time she was 10-11 months. Her milk intake (formula) dropped down itself.

Second time with ds - started off OK, one minute OK with spoons, the next minute not but was getting it by 7 months and milk was slowly reducing. But then was very poorly and weaning went out of window as he was in hospital for two weeks and so didn't have anything but milk, after coming out of hospital wouldn't eat for another week but gradually got back into it until was poorly again (at 9 months) and after that refused all food and was having vast quantities of milk. After a month or so of just milk hv said we had to reduce milk ourselves and offer food and within a week or so we had reduced milk to 20oz/day and ds was eating three meals. Since then he's generally been OK sometimes stops eating for a day or two, as has been in hospital again and has been teething and changes what he will and won't eat but generally is now really good and eats most things, except he will not eat fruit!!

I have found weaning ds especially stressful (although not helped by him being so poorly) and even had £5 bet with dh a few months ago that ds wouldn't eat by the time he was one year old. Well he's one next week and I owe dh a fiver!

Just wanted to say that whilst weaning can be really hard, you just have to go with it, let them try different things, with and without spoon, make a mess and not too worry too much about what they eat. My ds eats dry cheerios and toast every day for breakfast and to me whilst not ideal it's fine, I'm not going to get too stressed about it.

If my ds can get there despite what he's been through, then I'm sure it will be OK for you and ds. He is still young so has plenty of time to get to grips with it.

Sorry for long post but just wanted to give you examples of eventually positive outcomes when weaning from when it started out being stressful! Not easy to stop yourself from being anxious though.

Sorry can't help with transition from bf to mix of bf/ff - just that I think milk intake usually gradually reduces itself naturally as food intake increases and that if it doesn't and it's affecting food intake (this is when a child is close to being a year old) that you can reduce it yourself and it should help food intake increase (as we did).

You're definitely not alone. Our son is 6 months and not the slightest bit interested in any purée or finger food and just wants milk. All my efforts to feed him - and I don't care how messy he gets or how much goes on the floor - end in screaming because he is hungry and wants a BF. As far as I can see he hasn't worked out that eating food will make him less hungry and threfore just gets really upset. I would be less depressed about this if he wasn't such a terrible sleeper. We are desperate to wean him as we're hoping solid food will mean we only have to get up 2 or 3 times a night instead of 8. I feel a total failure as a mum and just get really miserable. Lack of sleep means I never want to go out or have people round in the evenings and we have cancelled all our holiday plans except visits to grandparents.
Nosleep - would be grateful to hear your experience. I am supposed to return to work in October but am worried that he won't be ready for childminder by then!

Hi Yentil - thanks for your support - it feels bad feeling bad because I wanted to be a Mummy so much, and then I feel guilty when it gets me down.

Sorry to hear you're finding it hard second time around. I go to baby groups but it's really hard to speak openly about feeling low when everyone seems to be coping so well, and also these are people I hardly know, so Mumsnet is invaluable. I can't really speak to my friends either - so many of them are trying for babies, that I don't want to sound ungrateful for my DS, and for those that are Mums already I feel embarrassed about not coping very well.

Hangonintherebaby - I really feel for you - here's me feeling sorry for myself because weaning has caused early waking in DS (5am unless I manage to spoon a decent amount of carbs into him at teatime), and you are getting no sleep at all . DS was waking several times a night until 20 weeks when I sleep trained him. Are you sure your DS is waking out of hunger in the night?

Has your son ever gone longer? I knew my DS was able to go longer as he had gone through the night once (and I didn't sleep at all that night and kept going and listening outside his door! (I could hear him breathing so knew he was ok)) and also wasn't eating for long first thing. If babies are waking out of habit, and because they haven't learned how to get back to sleep by themselves, then solids won't help the sleep issue.

Sorry this post is getting long. Post again if you'd like to know more about how I sleep trained DS (I didn't use controlled crying) Big hugs to you - you are NOT a failure. Babies are all different and some are definitely harder work than others.

Thanks Emalina, it's so hard to feel confident when you feel like everything you do is wrong, isn't it? I am sure you are being an amazing mum, but it's no exaggeration when they describe this as the hardest job in the world, is it? Don't be - I think all babies have things they are good and bad at. Ours is a terrible sleeper and eater, but you should hear his giggles and see him smile. Makes it all a bit more bearable. You don't sound ungrateful at all, but I know what you mean. Maybe stick in at the baby groups - I felt exactly the same as you to start with, but then discovered most of the other mums felt the same way! I found it helped to laugh about something really stupid I'd done as a result of sleep deprivation and then they all came out with similar stories. (There are definitely a few who go along to these things to show how well they're doing though.)

I would love to know how you sleep trained without cc - we are trying some things but not really sure what's best. DP is keen to try cc but I am dead against it. I think he's just tired and frustrated. Please tell us more!

oh god, I'm also in the weaning hell - DS took purees to start with, then decided he no longer liked any of the food I made, will eat some Ella's Kitchen pouches, but not all of them and even then, every meal time is a battle. He seems to get stroppy as soon as he goes in his highchair. I've been trying to put toys on the tray and make the highchair a fun place, but it's not working.

I guess it's hard as I had the milk feeding thing down, a really good routine (I also love a good routine and being able to plan my day), he was sleeping well etc and now it's all gone to hell and he screams at me at every meal. Finger food is sort of working, but he's more playing with food than eating anything.

I'm now trying to be more relaxed and think that as long as I get 5 bottles in him a day (I've stopped BFing now) then he'll be ok and anything he eats is a bonus.

Hi Hangonintherebaby - I used techniques from Babywhisperer - Tracy Hogg - there is a babywhisperer website which goes into details without you needing to buy the book.

I had the book before my son was born, and initially it felt a bit of a curse and I ended up feeling bad about myself as techniques not seeming to work and son was hardly napping in the day, in spite of my spending ages using pat/shush technique - only without the patting - he hated that, so just shushing (Shhh Shhh) and hand on his chest!

BUT at 4 months old he was old enough to attempt another of her methods - Pick Up Put Down, which I used at night in combination with the Shhh shh and hand on chest. I was only hoping to get him from 2-3 night wakings down to 1, as he was going 3.5 hours between feeds in the day time, but was waking sometimes only 1 hour after dream feed, sometimes 2 hours. I also used the techniques at nap time so he was used to them. Pick Up/Put Down does involve baby crying, but you stay with him - pick him up, whisper in his ear that it's time to go to sleep, and when he stops crying put him down. If he doesn't stop crying within a min or two depending on age (my son didn't!) or struggles against you (yep - mine did!) you whisper that you're not going to fight with him, and put him down again before picking him up. BW advice is that this is last resort if you have not managed to settled him using Pat/Shh method. I would use it for first few mins, and when he wound down a bit I'd move on to hand on chest and Shhh shhh till he was nearly asleep.

Within a week he as STTN!! It varied from having him resettled in about 5 mins one night, to 1/2 hour another night. After 1/2 hour if he hadn't settled I fed him. My goal was really to push his waking later, to get 1 at about 3am. I would use the techniques the first time he woke, then feed him the second time,however long after that was. If they really are hungry they will wake again quite soon after, but he was going hours later and within 3 days he was down to the 1 waking only around 3am.

Then after a couple of nights he woke earlier again, so I did it again and he went through the night!

It does take a bit of effort, especially when you think "if I feed him he'll be asleep in a few mins!!" BUT definitely worth the effort. I did it for a few nights, then my husband did it for a night.

I have to say that I could tell and did know that my son wasn't ravenously hungry and wasn't waking with genuine hunger but out of habit. Let me know how you get on. Good luck!

Hi Emalina,

thanks for all the info. I got the BW book from the library at around 3 months when he started to wake more at night - and it sent me into complete meltdown and made me feel like I was doing everything wrong. I do think her ideas are good - I think it's just the way the book is written that makes you feel a bit pressurised.

That said, I've used PUPD a few times, but as we weren't doing it consistently it wasn't a huge success - of course. We've just started our own version of shush-pat, where we put him on his side (I know, not advised, but he is +6 months now and he nearly always rolls onto his back eventually and if he doesn't we do it for him) and then stroke his side. This seems to calm him and he drops off fairly rapidly, though I tend to hang on for a good 15-20 mins to make sure.

It's great to know that you have had success with this - your experience sounds very similar - and we are now going to try it properly and be consistent - so no sleep at all this week I expect!

We do have slightly complicating issues in that he is a very bad feeder, and was early and a very low birthweight baby (I had severe pre-eclampsia and we spent a week in special care unit). So I think he still does need to feed at least once during the night. However, I think you're right and that he is also waking out of habit. I am lucky as DP is a teacher and is off for the holidays - so I want to get this sorted before he goes back to work!

Thanks for your help - will update in a week or so if I can prop my eyes open long enough to get in front of the screen!