pressure to wean early getting to me...some solidarity please!!!

[alannabanana]

hi guys, i'm brand new to this site (er..and to motherhood!) so forgive me if i dont know all the acronyms and stuff!
basically the pressure from mum, mother-in-law, and sometimes husband to start feeding my son baby rice is really starting to get me down - especially with my mum because i so want her approval of my motherhood skills.
my boy is only 14 weeks and 2 days, and even though he is feeding loads (he's 98th centile for height and weight) and giving me very little sleep, im willing to be knackered so long as we get as close to 6 months as possible for his long-term health. my mum says that i must remember that im her baby and she hates to see me so sleep-deprived, which i can understand, but when i recount the reasons why the health professionals recommend 6 months i'm met with "but we all turned out alright being weaned at 5 minutes old" or "its just the tiniest tiniest bit of food on the end of a spoon, it won't hurt." my thinking on that last excuse is, if its so tiny whats the point!
my mother in law constantly tells me that my son has inherited his dads appetite (which is true!) and how she was giving them all porridge before bed at 12 weeks..."and they slept right through".
my husband is often swayed by these arguements and i have to gently remind him (who am i kidding..nag and boss him!) of the reasons why it could damage our sons insides, how he's big but not really showing the 'signs' yet, etc. then he relents until the next time someone brings it up. i think he's most worried about the demands on me and my milk becoming too much.
this is the thing, everyones so concerned about me and my well-being (which is lovely of course) that they are forgetting that my sons health is at stake, and why would i take the risk.

grr, sorry for the rant - i guess im just sounding off and hoping that some of you have been through similar pressures and (hopefully) come out the other side!
any coping advice (other than earplugs to block out the nagging) would be most welcome!

It's horrible to be under pressure like this, alanna

You seem to know all the reasons why solids at this age is ridiculously early at worst, and a waste of time at best. You already know your son is thriving without solids, and you are prepared to tolerate his normal night waking.
You already know that the 'demands' on your milk (??? not sure what that means!) are normal.

Your issue is with confidence and assertiveness, not helped by a DH, who is probably lovely in many ways, but whose role is to support you in all this, and not be 'swayed' by people who are less well-informed than you are, and whose business it is not .

Try this: when you hear remarks or pleas or whatever, make it clear you no longer wish to discuss it. 'I hear what you say, and I appreciate your concern, but this is not a subject I want to talk about any more as I am happy with what we are doing at the moment'. Or , ' you seem to be continually worried about ds's feeding, and my sleep - what can I say to reassure you there is nothing to worry about?'

DH can back you up - must back you up.

I take it you're bf - is there some hidden criticism of this, and some resentment that you are bf, even?

You know you are doing the right thing, and you're son is clearly thriving.

I know it's hard - I'm getting the same from my Mum and Granny - but Tiktok's comments about being quietly assertive are spot on.

Just let it wash over you

you've hit the nail on the head there - ive never been particularly assertive, hate confrontation even when by rights i should defend myself. i get flustered when i try to explain the medical research behind the 6 months guideline and am sure i dont sound very convincing!
what i meant by demands on my milk is that i am feeding him on demand, and it is very frequent, which is tough at night because it leaves me so knackered.
my dh (darling husband??!) wants to help me any way he can and does accept that i do research these things and know what im talking about, but he keeps coming back to the fact that he was weaned mega-early and he's fine, so of course his offspring would be too.
i am breast-feeding and topping up with 2 or 3 formula feeds a day (as i said, hungry lad!), and i think my mum thinks i feed him too much, and i shouldnt be demand feeding at all at this stage! she has issues with weight (she's slim herself but had to watch her mother get obese through comfort eating and alcoholism) and she's worried my son is or will comfort eat and get fat. i have to keep reminding her that he is exceptionally long for his age and has such hunger because he needs to fill out his big frame, which is when we come back to the weaning arguement - "if he's this big now he must need solids ahead of other babies".
sigh...its so hard to tell someone older and wiser (and she is a wonderful mum and person despite all this business!) that you in fact are wiser on this particular occasion.

i dont think anyone resents the fact that im breast-feeding - my husband in particular is delighted i chose to BF as its so good for our son, and many of our friends chickened out of it - but i think the main criticism vibe im feeling is that my son is having so much milk that he must need something more. is there any truth to this at all? and should i re-think feeding on demand and do scheduled feeds instead? im too flippin' new to all this and just wanna do whats right
for my boy.

My Mum kept banging on about rusk in the bottle, when are you weaning him, don't you think he needs weaning now, it never did you any harm etc etc! She is now trying to get me to give my 7 month old DS horlicks before bed FFS . It really does piss you off, I hate the it never did you any harm thing, v v annoying.
Just be assertive I told my Mum thanks for your advice but as his Mum I will wean him when I think he is ready and he is just fine at the moment. Sleep deprivation is just one of the virtues of having a newborn baby and giving them baby rice or cereal etc does not mean you are going to get a good nights sleep. You sound like you are doing a fab job, don't cave in you know you are doing the right thing. Your Mum and MIL did all this along time ago and advice has changed since then, you are his Mum and you know best!

alanna, welcome to MN!

TikTok is our resident bf expert (one of them!) and her opinion is worth twenty of the rest of us, so you've already got the best advice there is.

the thing that jumped out at me was your mum saying that you're her baby - erm, no you're not, you are all grown up now! and smart! and know what you're talking about! try to remember that

the thing is, all babies are different. Their kids may have slept, doesn't mean you can make yours sleep, no matter what tricks you try. At that age your ds will be eating as and when he needs to, simple as that.

And the "dh"? It's usually "dear husband" or "darling husband", with or without rolled eyes

the NHS and DoH leaflets re weaning are very clear re no solids before 17 weeks at least, but hte aim is to start weaning around 26 weeks, and the night waking and wanting lots of milk are not signs of needing solids

there is often a lot of 'we did it this way and it never did us any harm' but that is not enough of a reason to ignore current advice!

perhaps you could get hold of some leaflets and leave them around for your MIl to see that you are not just being 'difficult'?

I didn't BF but I am guessing feed on demand. Don't let people bully you into how often you should be feeding etc, etc. It is annoying that you feel like you have to justify your every action with your DS to everyone. If he is happy, healthy and his weight is ok and your health visitor/doctor is happy with him, it sounds like you are doing everything right. Have confidence in yourself, you ARE wiser cos YOU are his Mum. As for your Mum worrying about the obesity thing that is rubbish, weaning them early can cause obesity and allergies. Could you find some info on the net and print it out to show her why you are not keen to wean him early, there are so many reasons why you shouldn't.

It really winds me up when people say 'I was weaned early and I'm fine' - er, there's no way you can tell how much healthier you would have been if you hadn't been weaned early and anyway there are health issues which can kick in later in life.

Fwiw - I was completely weaned off the breast at 4m, I was my mother's first child and she followed guidelines of the time (late 60's) and am the only one of 4 siblings with food allergies. The others were breast-fed for longer, in some cases much longer.

Obviously I am 'fine', but how much finer could I have been?

Stick to your guns. BF is a lifelong investment in your baby's health and yours too for that matter.

Oh, yes and as well as food allergies I'm also the only one in my family to suffer from hayfever.

wow, thanks for the support guys - im glad im not the only one on the receiving end of this stuff!
i wonder whether perhaps theres a guilt issue with the older generation who weaned early, and need to reassure themselves that they did nothing wrong.
my mum also had twins who arrived 8 weeks early, which meant her milk never came in for them. so they were formula fed from the get-go and as a way of coping with the pressure of twins (and me as an energetic 3 yr old!) she would make up the days bottles in the morning, and go through them at set times over the course of the day. very sensible, and obviously it worked for her. but unfortunately my lad doesnt do 'set' times - he's hungry when he's hungry and by god does he let us know it!

i think i will email my mum some links to the info on here and elsewhere about why you wait til 6 months - hopefully it wont make her feel bad for weaning me and the twins early! the last thing i want is to upset her. having said all this, we are fine despite being weaned at 4 months-ish, she did a great job, and now i gotta try and do a great job too!

by the way, wigglesworth - horlicks??! mon dieu, what are some people thinking! they all mean well don't they, but it is so funny the lengths they go to to get food into ones child!

I know and when I tell her it's full of sugar and thanks but I won't be taking her advice on this occasion guess what her reply is, yep, "it never did you any harm". Erm actually Mum I distinctly remember spending many a Thursday afternoon after school in a dentist chair with a numb mouth having fillings so actually it did do me harm. I have reminded her of this, she firmly denies it, of course she wouldn't remember she wasn't the one having a fucking needle in her gums every week. Sorry went off on one there a bit.

a good one i keep getting is 'have you tried giving him just water?'. had that from several different family members who think his weight gain is from greed. i have tried water a few times actually and im afraid he knows the difference - am i supposed to force it down him?!! grrr!

Breastfed babies regulate their food intake and take on what they need to thrive. And babies need to be chubby. They lose it soon enough when they start moving around.

I too had a baby who was 98th centile or higher for height and weight (still is at 22 months). She fed every 2 hours day and night for 7 months. She got to 25lb on breastmilk alone. I refused to entertain any point of view other than 'she is clearly thriving on milk, why change that?'.

You are doing exceptionally well.

I find the anecdotal 'well I did so and so and I'm fine' line so infuriating. Good research and considered guidelines are not negated by one person's supposed good health. I stepped out in the road without looking today and I'm fine, does this mean that we should recommend it as good practice?

You are doing the absolute best thing for your baby and if they feel the need to 'help' then start telling them how to do that. A firm 'I am not weaning thank you for your concern, if you'd like to help perhaps you could take the baby for a walk so I can sleep' should be enough.

Welcome btw. Tis nice here.

Alanna - Stick to your guns! I had to fight off my mum and her jars of Cow and Gate for 2 months. I started weaning at 26 weeks, last week and it is going swimmingly. I must say, I am so glad I waited.

Please stick to your guns and do what you want to do, he is your baby. 26 weeks will be here in no time .

i dont know what it is with grand-parents and their early weaning. all of my friends with babies have said the same thing about their mums - the pressure our mums put on us to wean early must be a means of proving that the way they did it with us was the right one and that they should feel guilt-free for doing it.
i will stick to my guns though - no way im risking his health just on the off chance that current medical guidelines are wrong.

I understand you completely - DH was also put under pressure by family and was vunerable to it as he was worried about me, and how tired I was. For what it's worth, neither solid food or formula made any difference to my DD1's sleep habits. Which is probably a bit depressing, but at least proves that you're right!

Interestingly on another thread about age at weaning almost all second time Mums weaned their second child later than their first - me included. I think that we have more courage in our convictions second time around.