How do you handle 'you are mean not to give chocolate' comments?

[likessleep]

I have seen the other similar thread, but I am after a bit of advice on how to handle these types of comments from dh's family.

As background, we don't give our 13mth ds chocolate or biscuits or sweets. We are happy to (in limited amounts) when he is older, but don't see any need to yet.

However, sil and mil are making comments like "Oh I've bought some chocolate buttons, why can't he have them", "it's so mean not to let him have them", "can't we just give him a couple" etc etc. This isn't just chocolate, but also crisps, puddings etc.

Now they know our stance on this, but keep buying food in that we don't want him to have yet.

Any practical advice on things I can say so it gets the message across, but we are still on talking terms (i.e. that doesn't offend them)?
I feel like they think we are being really mean and it is starting to get annoying!
Am worried about getting het up over Christmas.
Thanks muchly.

Urm, lighten up give them a bit of chocolate, have another glass of wine yourself then you won't need to get het up about a wholly insignificant issue.

Or say yeah whatever, and don't give them chocolate. It really doesn't matter in the long run you will only be in charge of their intake until they are 5 maximum so only about 6-7% of their life - it won't impact massively on long term health.

Or say its too darn messy - this is why I do not give toddlers brown chocolate!

It's only mean if the child sees it, knows what it is and then you don't give it. Also silly as that will definitely cause problems in later life.
Whatever you want to do make sure you don't discuss it in front of your child, they will understand!
A little of what you fancy does you good!
Do you or your partner have any eating problems? If the answer is no and this is how you were brought up - getting the odd bit of choc or puddings why do you think it will harm your 13 month old?
I hope you let your child have some christmas pudding on christmas day!

We don't have eating problems no and I don't mind him eating these things, but at the moment, I just think he is too young for bags and bags of chocolate, E numbers and sugar rushes! That's my personal viewpoint, but we are all different.
We don't have an issue with home-made cakes and biscuits or the toddler ranges of crisps, where I feel more comfortable with the ingredients lists at the mo. But the things they want to give him I don't want him to have yet.
I know I will get more relaxed about this in time.
I want these foods to be treats, not day to day 'normal' food, which is how my in-laws view these foods. Which is fine for them, but we are going to have differences in opinion at some point and I was after a little bit of advice as to how to handle this difference.
Maybe I am a little adamant in my view, but I guess I wasn't after advice on should he or shouldn't he eat Salt and Vinegar chipsticks, but rather how to manage this difference in opinion.
Thanks for posting.

If it's an every day thing that's a different matter. If it's once a month I'd just give 2 chipsticks to please the inlaws.
How come they're buying the food?
If my 18 month old was given a bag of chocolate buttons I'd prob make them last a week, but certainly wouldn't want them to be every week! Most people are kind hearted so tell them what they can get instead. I personally don't like all the kiddy friendly crisps as I think it's as well to have 3 normal crisps in a week than half a pack a day of those - not saying that's what you do.
He is too young for bags and bags, but thinking about the healthy eating pyramid, fats and sugars being small at the top, they are still there so a little fat and sugar is good.
You could always lie and say that he ate a load of chocolate that morning!
Or just say thanks very much and ration the treats (and eat yourself!) as you see fit!

As his parents you're the ones responsible for establishing a healthy diet - I don't really see how other people think they are entitled to make those decisions for you or even argue with you, even though they might disagree with your choices.

Are there things that you don't mind him having that you can offer up as a compromise? Perhaps you can then say "we don't mind him having x or y but not z". Then that might satisfy their urge to give him "treats". Our DS is 20 months old and while we don't mind him having the odd bit of ice-cream or cake, we don't give him biscuits, sweets or chocolate and prefer it if other people don't either - the way I see it is he'll get plenty of opportunity to eat all these things later on when we have less control over his diet and I don't see the point of giving them to him now while he doesn't even know what they are.

By the sounds of it though your in-laws may well just go ahead and give him that kind of stuff when you're not there, so ultimately you might just have to take a deep breath and tell yourself that you are providing him with a healthy diet at home so the odd blip is not going to do him any harm. I do sympathise with you as I'm veggie and so is DS (so far), and I just know that the rellies are itching to feed him some "proper" food - I'm struggling to see how I'm going to manage this long-term without turning into a total control freak.

Just try & stick to your guns and remain polite.

mmmm

we eat healthy food but i love choc so in moderation i allow my kids to have it (after meals of course)

ds is only one so he gets a few choc buttons here and there or maybe a choc finger

i honestly dont understand why people get so hung up about it

i dont allow sweets though.I could never have them as my mum said they stick to your teeth and rot them and i agree

but no chocolate??

nooooo!!!

MIL is a bit like this, so I do sympathise. She has given DD chocolate for breakfast before .

I would suggest that you choose one or two things on which you feel you can compromise eg your DS may have pudding after a meal but not sugary snacks, or that he may have the odd biscuit but not chocolate. Otherwise if you ban everything your MIL may probably just think you are being over the top and ignore you.

I don't understand this urge to give babies chocolate, I really don't.

They don't need it for nutrition, they don't need it to be happy, they just don't need it. So why give it? It's all about the gratification of adults - babies are perfectly happy without stuff they don't even know exists.

When they're older, fine. As they get older they can understand and appreciate the idea of a treat. They'll see other children eating stuff at parties and want to join in, and that's fine too - it's eating as a social activity, very important.

But at 13 months, what's it going to do for the OP's baby's quality of life apart from give him cavities?

I had the same problem with DD1. We got round it by compromising and making one day in the week a day for treats. Now she is 3 she might have "treats" 3-4 times a week but she still loves her dinners and asks for fruit as well as chocolate. Sometimes its not your relatives wanting to force choc on your LO thats the issue - its more that you feel they are criticising your choices (well thats how I felt anyway!!) Good luck x

I ignore the comments. I let ds (20mths) have a little bit of cake if everyone else is having some, and he will very occasionally have a chocolate button or two. If we are at a party, he has a little fairy cake or something. It's not an everyday occurance - he sees blueberries as a treat.

likessleep - I was completely with you when my PFB was your DC's age (he's nearly 16 now, DC2 is 11). ILs were also very like yours. I couldn't cope with little tots being given sweets or chocolate by well meaning rellies. The good news is that DCs soon get to associate certain things with certain places (even now, my Mum buys sugary chocolately crappy breakfast cereal when we go to stay because mean old me won't allow it at home BUT having it at Granny's means 3 - 4 times a year so won't kill them).
I would say you are right to restrict sugary intake at this age and also to not introduce it as a normal part of your child's diet. If you really don't want the grandparents to give it, then stand by your view point. But really, minimal sugary intake is not going to hurt your child or their teeth and honestly, you will be able to get them back in to your eating regime when back at home. Also, I have seen children with an anally heathily diet go nuts when exposed to "unhealthy" food at parties. However, at the end of the day, it's your child, your rules. I'd just encourage you to think through the longer term: one day your baby WILL be a teenager with their own spending money, and you will have no control over what they spend it on, whether you like it or not. So regardless of what you do now, think through how and when you will introduce the idea of healthy balanced diets, so that they are equipped to make their own decisions when the time comes. (reminder:speaking as a Mum who shared your opinion who has learnt to be more tolerant!)

ignore the comments, but dont expect your dc to be sheilded from it for much longer, we got to about 14 months with ds1 without any choc or sweets, until we were at a kids party and looked round to find ds on relatives knee scoffing chocolate fingers

likessleep - are you me? i have exactly the same problem with my ils and DD (13 months).

My idea of a healthy diet and theirs are completely different. I just leave then with fruit or rice cakes for her as snacks. My child, my rules about food. Each to their own - other people give their kids sweets and chocolate as babies. Fine. I'm not going to.

ILs think I'm mad but I don't really care to be honest. They gave their kids solid food at 3 days old and think this is a good idea, so the feelings mutual.

'I'd rather not set the stage for rotten teeth, obesity and diabetes thanks'

That or develop a thick skin and just learn to smile and say 'thats our decision...would you like another cup of tea'

Thank you so much for all of your posts, they are reassuring. Sorry I didn't reply last night.
The idea of having a compromise is a good one. I guess that I still think of him as my baby, but he is growing up now and I know he will start requesting these foods himself, and I do think these treats are part of childhood.
I am going to look into the ingredients in a bit more detail and try to be a little less black and white about it and find a few I am happier with, so they still feel they are 'treating him'. My Mum thinks the same as the in-laws, but is just less vocal about it (and I'd trust she wouldn't give it to him in my absence).
I know we will have these differences in opinion along the way, as ours and their attitudes towards food and healthy eating are so very different.
I guess I got het up about it, as food is such an emotive issue and I just took their comments quite personally and started to worry maybe I was being unfair with DS.
Thanks so much.

Chocolate buttons are disgusting, I wouldn't feed them to myself let alone my child. If you are going to give chocolate, then fgs give them some decent G & B.

If your ILs have bought the chocolate buttons, crisps, etc. for themselves and your DC was curious to try some, fine. But, don't really see the point of spending good money on rubbish to stuff into your child.

feelinglucky - he has had a couple of squares of g&b and tbh wasn't that interested. but yeah, i don't want to give him choc that is full of stuff, that's why i need to start looking into ingredients.

I would just say,

"It's not mean. He doesn't even know what chocolate/Haribo etc is, how can he be feelign deprived? ... Would you like another cup of tea before you go?"

thanks misblythe, sounds good and quite true.

My SIL tends to allow my ILs to offer her children rubbish such as 'jelly bean ice lollies' which they buy in especially and then they get all upset when the children start whizzing around hyperactively and refuse to eat their healthy supper.
In these instances, I say nothing as the actions of DD;s cousins say it all.
However, DD is at the age when she wants what the other children are having, so I'd offer a proper treat - G&B ice cream ... yummmmeeeeeee

The other thing is. DH has a very sweet tooth and doesn;t eat any fruit unless forced and has loads of fillings. His mother fed him on a diet of chocolate and sugar - chocolate sandwiches for tea . So, if it comes to it, he will say something on the lines of how we don;t want DD to turn out like him. I would never dare say this though.
Might not be relevant to you if your DH is a healthy eater.

I had this, mostly from my mum. My advice is to keep it lighthearted but stay very firm. Your child, your choice.

Eg- well you can buy him chocolate as much as you like but me and dh will eat it all!!

You really think it's cruel - well look at all the fillings in my mouth and tell me having chocolate at 13 mo was a good idea! (Assuming you do have fillings that is!)

My ds is now 2.5 and I joke to my mum that this is his third chocolate advent calendar and the first one that he will actually eat himself!

Btw, I know you didn't ask for opionions but I totally agree with you - absolutely unnecessary to give a child that age all this sugary crap - they have no clue what they're missing and are just as happy with healthy food.
It's the adults projecting their own feelings about what treat food is onto the kids - to a child that age raisins or a juicy plum are a treat.

My Mum has already started this an DD is 7 months old and just being weaned! Told her firmly I don't want her having shit like that til she's two, unless I decide before, as what she don't have, she don't miss. She said 'But what if other people give to her when you aren't there?' I said I hoped they would respect my opinion about my child more than to do that. Not come up again yet. I will be flexible, just not yet. She gets yogurt and fruit and I will give the baby no-sugar biscuits etc occasionally but no need for developing a massive sweet tooth unnecessarily. And anyone who doesn't like that is going to be told nicely but firmly to back off.

i will keep it lighthearted but firm, that's good. i do think we will have disagreements along the way and i just want to manage it, but keep relations!
thanks for posting, roll on christmas

The one thing that no-one else has mentioned yet (I think?) is the caffeine in chocolate. For our DS1 it's as bad as proper coffee (long story, suffice to say he drank some coffee whilst with grandparents and spent the next four hours going beserk). We've observed the same behaviour after anything more than a single mouthful of chocolate.

Don't get me wrong, I love chocolate and am also v happy for him to have it as a very special treat, usually from the grandparents - I firmly believe that's what grandparents are for, to spoil them! - but it is a treat and it is a rare one. We have to be prepared for the inevitable running round like a loon though