Partner just made me feel like an inconvenience (baby allergies and eating out)

[iamverytired]

We are going to a wedding soon (DPs friend - I am the plus one basically so don't feel I can contact the bride and groom myself). I have cut out multiple foods for over half a year for my baby due to allergies, although have a lot of them back now thankfully. I have kept asking my partner to check and ask about the menu, but he keeps forgetting. I asked again today and he says he will do it but I felt like he was having a dig when he said "you won't be asking loads of questions on the day will you?" He of all people has seen the effect of allergies on our baby, and yes I do check when we eat out by asking the restaurant to see the allergens menu. Maybe I embarrass him by doing it, I don't know. If he bloody bothered asking about the wedding food then I wouldn't have to keep pestering him. I feel like I'm going to be sat there eating nothing when he forgets to ask again, will that be embarrassing enough for him?? Urgh. I do this for my baby, not for me!
I cried over this, now I'm just annoyed. It's been so hard and I've been on holiday and had barely any choice in restaurants and missed out on nice treats and now I realise he thinks I'm being difficult. Great.

Are you breast feeding is that the issue? How old is your child? Maybe he feels you’re a little over thr top, it’s hard to understand as you’ve not explained the allergen issue or why you had to cut so much out. Maybe he feels just moving to formula would solve the issue, as t seems to heavily impact on your life.

Clearly he should ask the question although I’m unsure why you can’t reach out

I don’t get the crying over him simply saying you won’t ask lots of questions on the day will you. Seems an extreme reaction, is there more to this?

If it's a hotel/venue with catering, call them directly, if it's self catered/private caterers I would suggest you contact the bride directly, they will understand that many men aren't good at these things but before you do you need to be really flexible and understanding accepting it might be an odd combination etc. Most couples choose a pretty plain menu in my experience so meat, potatoes and veg should be ok.

Baby is 9 months and I'm still breastfeeding as we tried and tried prescription formula but he just wouldn't take it. We had terrible gut issues with baby when he was little, and more recently eczema/hives which is totally under control now I have narrowed it down to certain foods. We are still dairy/soy/oat/nut free. I am very willing to eat a boring alternative as I have done for so long, I just don't want to turn up and have nothing to eat. I would contact the venue but DP wanted to go through the groom as they originally asked about food requirements well over a year ago when I didn't have any issues but the wedding was delayed due to covid. I don't really know the bride or groom so can't ask them myself.
I think I'm just feeling emotional today, DP seems to be annoyed with me over little things lately (my priorities are the baby but it seems a chore for him recently if I ask him to hold the baby whilst I make baby's dinner or something etc). I don't know if it's me or he's just being grumpy but I feel a bit of an inconvenience recently 😕.

I might just ring the venue without telling him.

He’s being a dick

I’d ask them myself

Take snacks with you too

I'm sorry OP, I can relate to this. It's actually very difficult cutting out major food groups, and when you are doing it entirely for the baby it feels very unfair for others to then somehow seem irritated with you for it. I also did similar on paediatrician's advise and could only eat salad on an all inclusive holiday because everything else was fried with oils containing soy or couldn't rule out dairy etc etc. I actually lost loads of weight and didn't complain about it at all, wasn't acting a martyr or even mentioning it much so was utterly infuriated when DH and others acted frustrated when I checked things. He went to the shop once when we were away and I asked if he could get me some dairy free crisps and he couldn't even manage to read the packet so bought cheese and onion flavour containing milk, and then ate them in front of me and said he couldn't be expected to know. How on earth did he think I did it?

Anyway you'll never change these sorts of attitudes so I just learnt to develop a thick skin. I'm not sure if that's good advice but it made me feel worse trying to get others to understand. It is really insult to injury when you know others around you think you are being daft even in the presence of obvious medical necessity and doctor opinion

I'm surprised at formula being mentioned, breastfeeding a child with allergies is hugely beneficial and hypoallergenic formulas are really rank and unpleasant. I understand why you are feeling emotional about it all, can be exhausting feeling that level of responsibility if you eat something wrong makes baby feel ill.

I think formula is mentioned because in my experience of these situations, most people around you will say "why don't you just...something" because they can't believe something so complicated can really be necessary or viable. My DH for example had no idea of the sifting through products and ingredients I had to do constantly, or the cooking from scratch, because I didn't make a big thing of it but also because he couldn't fathom paying that much attention to everything 24/7.

It's a bit like how if there's a virus in the house he'll usually do little by the way of contamination control because he thinks everyone is bound to get it anyway, (happily we haven't had Covid yet but perhaps that might be different) whereas I'll take all reasonable precautions because I believe it's worth trying to contain it

By the way OP my DD is older now and doesn't appear to have any intolerances or allergies anymore, she doesn't have any exclusions to her diet

I know how hard it is to be weaning and breastfeeding with allergies and skin issues OP, it takes over your life.

If DP doesn't ask then I would either take snacks for you and baby, ask the couple myself or just not go if he's going to continue to be difficult. He's not asking them to change the menu, just find out what's on it 😖

He sounds like he's generally a bit unhelpful atm!

Personally I think it's a bit much now to ask the bride to make exceptions to the menu. It's a bit late. That said, I didn't plan a large wedding, so others may know better. Perhaps take a pack of extras in a bigger handbag, just in case.

Well he came back a few days later and said it was sorted. Went to the wedding. It wasn't sorted. I ended up with the vegan option as the catering company had no idea - starter was terrible and main was actually very nice but I'm not vegan so it's a bit disappointing watching everyone eating fillet steak whilst I have a concoction of lentils 🙄. But I had food so it was ok. Baby has just failed egg but yesterday I was talking about how far we have come and DP then said 'I don't really think he was ever allergic/intolerant to anything in the first place'. Literally wanted to scream at him. Does he think I've cut nearly everything out my diet for fun? And why would baby have diarrhoea after eating egg and eczema after various other foods?? Idiot 😡.

How much actual parenting does your DO do?

I understand where you're coming from. My DS had terrible eczema and bowel problems too. DS wouldn't take to hypoallergenic formula and so I breastfed and my DH couldn't help with feeds (apart from occasionally giving expressed milk). I think because of that, DH didn't fully realise how difficult it was to feed DS and wasn't as conscious of the link between foods I ate and the baby's symptoms. If it helps, my DS can now eat all foods after I did the 'baked milk & egg challenges' with him.

You have my sympathies OP. My son is anaphylactic to egg and cashews and various family members have tried to downplay it. The first time he had a reaction DH tried to suggest it was from the chlorine in swimming pool water.

DH now takes it very seriously and my family have been trained! I think awareness generally is improving. My son is getting to an age where he can advocate for himself too.

However, if the allergies persist then you’ve got a bumpy road ahead. Your DP just doesn’t want to have to deal with it. It can be a fear thing too, but it doesn’t matter - either way, it’s an ignorant, harmful response.