How to drop a breast feed? Just had a really bad first try

[Horehound]

Usually my 16m old will feed as soon as he gets home from nursery, then he plays, has a bath then another feed then bed.
Today I decided when he gets home I'd have cosy cow's milk ready and some toast.
They got home, he ate the toast and had a lot of the milk...i was thinking ...great!
He seemed to have forgotten about this feed.
Then after five or ten mins he comes running to me, arms up wanting a cuddle. I knew this was dangerous! Sure enough he starts tugging at my top. I put on the wiggles TV show to distract him and offer him something my husband was eating. I told my husband to go run the bath. Thought if he has his bath then he can have the nighttime feed before bed.

Well all I can say is all hell broke loose. It was horrific. He started crying on the way to the bath and it escalated badly. I put him in the bath and he clung on to me, was trembling, screaming. Wouldn't let go of me. Then started hitting things out if frustration whilst still crying heavily.
We just washed him very quickly and tried to distract with toys etc but he was having NONE of it. Husband took him out of bath and took him to our room for the feed and when I took DS he kind of accidentally inhaled some of my hair so kind of gagged and gagged more as I was pulling it back out.
Then he vomitted up all a tonne of saliva/snot stuff guess because he was crying so much there was so much of that. And he was naked so it went all over him and me and we both smell of sick.
He was happy as Larry after his feed.

I fucking hate breastfeeding. I want to stop but how can I? My husband doesn't seem to get it. He's like oh it will be easier once DS can talk and we can communicate better with him.
For example I was trying to tell ds that he would get milk but it will be after his bath and DH said that would've meant nothing to DS.

Ugh I'm just pissed off and feel really guilty for making Ds feel so bad.

Have u tried the National breastfeeding helpline? I stopped at 16 and a half months and they were very supportive.

Oh no i haven't. I will try then thank you.
How long did it take you to stop out of interest?

I thought about giving up / cutting down when ds turned 1 so it was a very, very gradual process that lasted just over 4 months. By the time ds was 1 he was only on 4 feeds a day and the odd occasional night feed but mainly sleeping through so it was a case of dropping a feed a month for 4 months. I appreciate u may want to do it a bit quicker than that but that's just what worked for us personally. The last feed to go was the one before bed and by then my supply was so low there was no engorgement, pain or anything and ds couldn't have cared less that breastfeeding was over. Good luck, it's not easy.

That sounds really hard, I do think the first feed after nursery is probably the absolute worst one to stop first as hes just been away from you all that time and probably needs the connection. I would start by reducing the feeds to be shorter, offering distractions- snacks, games, cuddles etc. But if hes getting distressed just give him the feed and try again next time. The more he feels you pulling away the more desperate he will feel for that connection which is probably why its escalated so much tonight. I hope things get better for you xx

Yes I think it probably was the worst one I chose. God knows what I was thinking :( I feel terrible. After he had his feed he was so happy albeit still sensitive to what just happened.

When is he feeding now? I cut night ones first, then the 1st one in the morning was easiest to go as we could just get straight up and have breakfast.

Oh I feel for you OP.
My 19 month old wanted to feed all the time. She would pull at my top and scream if I did not provide. All the time! And she ate very little as a result. Plus she would not sleep at night without my boob in her mouth, all night....
I was exhausted and had PND. I went cold turkey, and actually went away for 2 nights. She was fine for my partner. When I came back, I did loads of distraction and eventually she got it.
She is 8 now and thinks it's hilarious!
I was sad because I wanted to let her self-wean but I could not cope with the intensity and fury/distress if I tried to refuse.
My older son OTOH, dropped naturally to 2-3 feeds a day at a year old and self weaned at 18 months. But he liked his food!
She is a great eater now and still loves (cows) milk!
Good luck!

So he feeds before bed, then he will wake before midnight for another then another one or two during the night. He will have a feed first thing and then another coming home from nursery. So 6 a day bit more on weekends since he is around me more.

Since starting nursery in September he has had a lot of colds so feeding on the night ramped up and helped clear his nose and helped him sleep better. Then over Christmas his colds cleared up and he did actually sleep through (6hrs or so) through the night a few nights in a row. Bit now he has a molar coming in he has been waking a lot again. I am so drained I just want him to sleep through the night. I think I'd manage to keep bf if he dropped the middle of the night feeds but i just hate how much and how long it goes on for.
So ironic that he actually struggled to BF in the first few weeks after he was born and I was determined to do it and then he managed to bf and then rejected bottles! Argh

I’d definitely night wean first then. Can you move into the spare room for a few nights and let his dad comfort him with a cup of water in the night?

Once you’re not feeding at night and actually getting enough sleep, you might feel better about the day feeds. Or you might just want to keep the after nursery/bedtime one for a while longer.

I want to stop so we can conceive again. So far I've had one period and now I'm on cycle day 40 or something. I know it probably came back when DS was spending more time at nursery and not feeding so much.
Then since had the Xmas hols he was home for three weeks and feeds ramped up.

Think he fed three or four times in the night. He seems to wake every few hours but he definitely can sleep longer as he has done previously!

I agree with others - definitely night wean first. We did it when DS was about 13 months - DH would go in with some water. He did kick up a bit of a fuss but it really wasn’t bad. I can’t even remember it well (he’s 2.5 now). Once we had night weaned his sleep was so much better. I’m pretty sure it’s the night feeds that really interfere with ovulation so you might find that you only need to drop those to conceive again.

Once we’d gone down to just night and morning I cut them out gradually over a couple of weeks - first dropped morning and then bedtime. I think my supply must have been so low by then, DS didn’t care. He’d been having cows milk in the day since I went back to work when he was 11.5 months and he was very happy to swap his bedtime feed for a cup of cows milk. Good luck!

I agree with pps, night wean first. If dad can take over night waking for the first few nights thats the easiest way, but my husband works away and I did manage to do it myself- there was tears and fury the first night but we got through it with lots of cuddles and kisses and stories. 2nd night was miles better, 3rd was fine.

Also, you can conceive while bf, especially when you've night weaned. I did it at 18m and was pregnant by the time she was 20m. But if youre just sick of it now then I totally get that, I've found it really hard recently too! I dont recommend bf when youre heavily pregnant, it bloody hurts! Good luck whatever you decide

What I've been reading regarding night weaning is that I shouldn't drop a feed point blank and that I should reduce the amount of time each feed lasts?
I think my son will scream bloody murder if presented with a cup of water or cow's milk!

He seems really clingy at the moment too so I can't imagine that will help.
One last thing, we are due to move house end of Feb so should I try and do all this before we move or wait until a while after we have moved in?

Agree with the above. Night wean. He's feeding more for comfort and habit at night. If at all possible, send in your husband and keep quiet yourself.
Remember, children learn language long before they speak so he will understand a lot of what you say even if he's not speaking much yet.

Every child is different, but we night weaned DD at 14 months because I was back at work and just exhausted. Took 2 nights and a bit of shouting (DD who wasn't too pleased)

@Horehound

What I've been reading regarding night weaning is that I shouldn't drop a feed point blank and that I should reduce the amount of time each feed lasts? I think my son will scream bloody murder if presented with a cup of water or cow's milk!

He seems really clingy at the moment too so I can't imagine that will help.
One last thing, we are due to move house end of Feb so should I try and do all this before we move or wait until a while after we have moved in?

It’s totally up to you, and certainly with your first child it can feel really hard to say no to them or cause upset - especially when you’re moving from that baby mindset of meeting their needs, to a toddler parent mindset of setting boundaries and saying no to demands.

If you’re struggling with feeding all night and want some sleep (totally reasonable and normal!) then it’s you’re allowed to stop. It won’t harm your child.
He doesn’t need to feed in the night.
It’s positive and healthy for him to accept being comforted by his dad.

Ultimately it’s completely your decision and whether you decide to continue or stop will do your child no damage (even if he’s really cross about it in the short term!).

When we night weaned, I spent about 2 weeks leading up to it talking to her about how boobies get tired too and they need to go to sleep too just like us, and we read a book every night called "nursies while the sun shines" then one night i got her to say good night to the boobies before bed (she was half asleep) and got in with her and cuddled her and stroked her and shushed her until she dropped off. Then every time she woke told her the boobies were sleeping and offered water in a sippy cup. I know that's cheesy af but it felt gentler and nicer than just saying no without an explanation. She wasn't impressed at all at first but she honestly got used to it SO much quicker than I thought she would, and I'm sure if her dad could have been involved it would have been even easier.

I’ve never heard that re reducing the length of feeds to night wean- we just dropped whole feeds. We offered water as a replacement but if your little one is really distressed you could offer cows milk? At 16 months they do not need the food - it will be habit and comfort as pps have said.

Mine stopped feeding at around 17 months. I night weaned first...I cut down the length of the feeds until they were only 5 mins or so. If he woke up after that, I offered him a sip of water. This went on for a couple of weeks. Any wake ups after that were just settled with a cuddle. As for day weaning, my son kind of did it himself. I stopped offering it and only gave it when he asked. He went 2 days without asking and then any request after that I distracted him with something else. I was quite lucky and overall it was quite easy. Maybe you just caught your son on a bad day and other days would be different?? Good luck!

Oh yeh I totally agree he doesn't need it and it is habit. My husband is a bit silly sometimes too and doesn't respond to D's like I would and I think makes it worse. Like last night DS had a big feed before bed as well as the feed he had to calm him down from the bath episode. So when he woke at 11pm crying I told my husband he doesn't need milk.
Also, when I put my son to sleep I put in cot and do not pick up. Husband went through picked him up, said something to DS cuddled him then tried to put in cot and D's screamed and screamed and then he tried to sit him down on his lap and took his comforter out the cot and was trying to get him to play with it. WTF I was enraged!
I had to feed Ds back to sleep because he was just having another meltdown. I think if DH had just gone in and laid da back down and sung or something it would have gone better.

I don't actually call my breasts anything to my son. I've never said boobs or boobies or anything at all. I just say "you want milk?" So to use your technique @ShinyGreenElephant what should I say?!