planning to BLW, MIL disagrees

[HappyBaby123]

So without going into too much detail, me and MIL have had a few disagreements from the start. However I don't like confrontation so I normally let things slide (for example I tell her LO is ready for a nap but MIL wants to play with her, I feel guilty and let LO get over tired on many occasions) but this time around I'm standing my ground and she doesn't like it. Anyway she has been on at me about when I'm going to commence weaning for LO... I've told her multiple times as long as LO is happy with just milk I'm going to continue just that until 6 months. She even bought us baby cereal and bought us weaning spoons and bowls. She bought this expensive adjustable high chair swing for the table (LO sits at the table with them when we go over there and she's not ready to sit up in the high chair just yet). I said to her she's not sitting up in that you couldn't feed her in it anyway... and she tells LO can lie down while she feeds her because it's 'less messy' that way... IMO that is a big choking hazard don't you think?! I wouldn't eat lying down so why should she. Anyway MIL works in a school and she heard this awful story about an 8month old who choked to death.. .apparently they couldn't get the food out and its all because her mother was 'stupid enough to give her food's so young.' Imagine her disgust when I explain we a 'planning on doing BLW in a few weeks time.. She freaked out. She thinks I'm an awful mother and my baby is going g to choke to death. I explained to her the reasoning behind it and also how we an on giving LO soft and manageable foods to start with. Also that she might n o t even swallow much at first as its more about introducing new textures/getting the grips of chewing and moving food around their mouth before actually learning to switch as allow it) and now she thinks Ill be starving her too. She told me she will NOT be doing that when LO is at her house but I don't want her spoon feeding her. Her anxiety is now rubbing off on my DH and although he says he's with me 100% I can see it I s starting to worry him. We go to MILs most weekends for lunch. What should I do.. shouldi let her spoon feed her or stick to my guns. I know she will freak out and I don't w a nth her anxiety rubbing off on LO or m making me feel like a crap mum. I am starting to doubt my decision. Can people please share there experiences with BLW because I a m now beginning to doubt if it is a good idea :(

If I were you I would wait to see what your baby wants to do before going in too strong with MIL. We were all ready to start weaning with purée and dd refused point blank to be spoon fed. So we rapidly discovered BLW, which worked well for us for a few weeks. I then decided on a whim to try spoon again and she took it fine - normal food chopped rather than mushed. So we ended up with the best of both worlds without it going the way we had planned. Also might be worth changing your language with MIL. BLW sounds all new fangled and hippy (it's not, we know that) but you could just call it finger food, which has kicked around for years.

MIL doesn't get to make decisions for your baby. She's raised her DCs, now it's your turn.

It might be worth reminding her that BLW isn't a new fad, but something people have done for years & years - before someone gave it an unnecessary title .

DS1 is 18 this year - in the past 12 months I've discovered that we practiced both BLW & Attachment Parenting with him. Only then it was just called "weaning" and "parenting".

My advice would be smile, ignore, carry on .

Bear in mind that kids are all different - I BLW both of mine - DS1 didn't really take to food until he was over a year, but he was healthy, average weight throughout (monster milk drinker though - still 3 times a night at 18months!). I used to spoon feed him runnier stuff because he used to get so frustrated that the porridge always disappeared before it got to his mouth, but all other dinner/fruit/veg he did himself.

DS2 was an entirely different experience. He was some kind of eating genius, and was competently using a spoon and fork to shovel unbelievable amounts of food into his mouth before he was 1, and had given up milk entirely by the time he was 14 months.

I guess what I'm saying is, is stick to your guns, even if it doesn't seem to really be going anywhere at first, because your baby just might not be a big eater.

My MIL's reaction when she heard we were going to BLW DC1 was "But she'll die!". We think she was scared of choking & starvation.

2 months after we started, she was bragging to friends about her amazing clever self-feeding grandchild

Anyway you want to do it, it's fine by you. Our experience with BLW was mostly good, just led to a bit of an aversion to soup / sauces for a while. But maybe this was caused by me not offering them too often as messy, or unsure about spoon self feeding?

We're going for more of a mixed approach with DC2, so each meal has finger foods and a spoon fed element eg main puree with ff veg & fruit or the other way around. Seems to go down well & they're feeding themselves with a spoon now (10mo).

We did BLW with DD and it worked brilliantly. It was a fantastic experience. We faced opposition and criticism from both mine and DP's family - my mum and sister in particular were fierce. I just ignored, ignored, ignored - easy for us as we live hours from them.

My family objected to the choking risk esp as DD was a very late teether. When they saw her feeding herself and cheerfully polishing off all kinds of fruit, meat, bread, soups, veg etc completely toothless they were very enthusiastic.

MIL objected to "the mess and the waste" (said in a very worthy tone) even though we use a mat and always cleaned off after meals. Her attitude and attempts to dictate when and how we should wean DC2 has resulted in us not seeing her for months.

DD never choked with BLW, only gagged a couple of times. The only time she's ever choked was at 2yo when MIL gave her a hard sweet behind my back (after I said no hard sweets and explained why).

It's your child. When will you have a chance to raise a child your way if not now?

It never ceases to amaze me how involved people’s MILs can be!!

Does she look after your little one a lot on her own?

Anyway, first of all, no child should be fed lying down. That is ridiculous. One of the NHS guidelines is that babies need to be able to sit up unaided before you start to wean. How can you expect a child to be able to learn to chew and cope with swallowing when their mouth/throat are in an unnatural position!

Secondly, I did BLW with my son and it worked brilliantly. It is messy and I’m sure my parents/DH’s parents were sceptical. But they get all the nutrition they need from milk at that age so I just stuck to my guns.
And I also wavered a bit when I saw friends happily spooning purees into their little ones mouths and they seemed to be eating SO much when mine was just nibbling a humous rice cake and then chucking it on the floor!

But now my little one has just turned two and eats beautifully, with a spoon or fork from a bowl/plate all on his own, and both sets of his grandparents are endlessly impressed with how well he eats.

I really recommend the Baby led weaning cook book. It’s got a bit explaining how it all works and also some useful recipes.

My son never choked by the way. He gagged on solids but ALL children do that as its how they learn to manipulate solid food in their mouths. If you use purees they suck the food in I think. All kids need to learn to chew eventually and there is always some gagging when that happens.

I do a mix of blw and spoon fed. My 9 month old is a "good eater". Sometimes he wants to do it himself (especially some of his favourites like pear sticks). Other times (when ravenous) he wants it in his mouth as quickly as possible so I do it for him!

In the early days I would prepare food and purée half of it to facilitate this, ie let him play with a bit and then top him up with some spoonfuls. He hasn't really ever gagged and still has no teeth yet but chews well.

Obviously be sensible about what foods to start with under either approach. I would slightly over cook veg so it could be smooshed with a tongue or peel the skin off an orange segment as that is hard to chew without teeth etc.

You might not actually get a choice about what approach to take. I know babies who won't tolerate spoon feeding at all and other babies who ignored all attempts to Blw.

Does your mil look after your child a lot? I don't really understand the comment about she wouldn't do it. Surely it's your child and you decide when,how and what they eat?

I was not particularly keen to introduce solids as bf was easier. And with no faff by then. It takes time to do feed solids and kind of takes over your day especially before the milk feeds are reduced, but actually I get great joy from it. I love cooking things and seeing my DS' face when he first tries it or gobbles it all up.

I think the BLW is a secondary issue here. You have to make it clear to your MIL that this is your child and you make the decisions (and your DH obviously). You are in for years of hell otherwise. Not letting a baby have a nap when she needs one is ridiculous and neither of you are doing her any favours. Your MIL sounds like a player to me. Put some boundaries in place now, for your own sanity. You are doing the right thing in sticking to what you think is right. BLW is hardly a new fad.

Oh yes Stitch. The MIL brought up the DH, you are correct. It is NOT her job to bring up her DGD or dictate to the OP how she does it. If 'her thing' involves lying a baby down to feed it solids, there is no way on god's earth she should be left in sole charge.

Thanks for all the suggestions, I think I do need to be a bit more assertive with her from now. She often has LO to herself for a few hours on the weekend for some 'grandma' time more for her benefit then mine, and has stayed the night twice (once so OH and I could go out for our anniversary and a friend's 30th) hence me saying I didnt want her spoon feeding when I'm not around. I don't want to take this from her just because she's not comfortable feeding her like I do.. so I am thinking a compromis e by letting baby selffeed with a spoon while she is there, and when baby is more competent eater we will have finger foods with MILaround? Obviously when I'm around I will feed my baby. I've also picked up the baby led weaning book from the library that I intend on 'leaving' at MIL to read, just so she can understand it a little more. I'm so excited to start LO on solids! I can't wait ??

I faced this when I decided to blw dd. I read up on the research before making my decision and when faced with criticism calmly explained the reasoning behind my decision and that it was my decision to make. I explained about the safety to reassure anxious grandparents, but made it clear that it wasn't up for discussion.

A few months on they were all raving about blw, saying they had never seen a baby eat like it! My nan was a very concerned as things were done very differently when she had her children, but was soon reassured when she saw I had it under control and knew what I was doing.

Don't let them think this is their decision, it's not. If you are calm but assertive they will stfu pretty quickly.

Be careful about mixing purees and blw - blw is safe because babies learn to manage food to and in their mouths before they learn to swallow. Feeding purees teaches them to swallow first, so mixing, or allowing your mil to mix, the two could actually increase the risk of choking. It's not a huge risk but definitely one to be aware of! I'm sure it's tough but I think you should stand up to your MIL.

My mother was anti BLW - tho we wern't strict, yoghurt etc went on a spoon, but I didn't puree anything - however when DS1 was about 2, she admitted, having seen other babies struggle with food, and haw well DS1 ate, it had worked. I suspect DS1 would have been a good eater whatever we'd done.

From 6 months, the official advice is to introduce finger foods anyway. So might that be a different tact to take with MiL?

As others have said, your baby, your rules.
I was also very nervous about giving finger foods as such a young age, it is very scary when they have only ever eaten milk before. It was amazing to see dd bite and chew straight away, it is just natural. I would get the BLW cookbook as that gives lots of useful background info. Make sure you understand the difference between gagging and choking and what you should do if the latter were to happen and always feed the baby sitting upright. That is very important.
I think that babies have been given finger foods early on for quite a long time, my mum didn't bat an eyelid at it. I guess I don't see the choice to BLW or not as a big deal, it is just weaning after all. Maybe if you didn't refer to it as BLW then your MIL might not see it as something new and controversial. Either way though, it is not her choice.

Maybe once MIL sees how cute and clever dd is chewing on that cucumber/apple/carrot stick she'll back off?

It's funny, BLW seems to cause much more controversy than many other aspects of parenting when I actually don't think its that odd or new!! I would stand your ground and if necc point out the fact that it's actually what people have done for donkeys years (people didn't have blenders back in medieval / pre historic etc. times) and has many benefits (eg allows the baby to determine when he / she is full). Also point out the scientific evidence behind waiting til 6 months (immature gut etc),