Desperate - 14 months old ds3 won't eat any solids just breastmilk

[shrub]

have posted before when ds3 was 8 months and 11 months. it is getting desperate, i am so tired and he is so hungry all the time. having tried all healthy options - pureed carrots, potato, apple, finger foods etc. we did have a bit of success with ice-cream but the most he has ever eaten is a spoonful. he is happy to play with food and try and put it in our mouths but clamps down when we try and feed him. he got chickenpox and we had to give him antibiotics with a dropper which seems to imply the 'weaning window' didn't happen. we have a health visitor visit once a week trying to feed him with very little success. as soon as he hears my voice or sees me he wants milk. i think the only option is for him to go to parents for weekend or me go away for weekend to see if he can start eating properly. had his mouth and throat checked and no problems. he just can't seem to get over this bridge.i would continue but i have 2 older boys who need me and i'm always so tired. we are waiting to see speech therapist. he won't take any cups and the only thing he is happy to put in his mouth is his hand or the nipple. this is now happening when he is tired or teething or upset aswell as hungry so i am getting sore aswell.
any advice please?

No advice I'm afraid because I'm sure you've gone down the finger food route which is the only thing I can suggest. But loads and loads of sympathy. And if it's any consolation, I can tell you that the 'weaning window' is absolute bollocks so don't beat yourself up about that. It's something HVs heard about in one particular study and they latched onto it without giving it too much thought.

Thanks CorrieDale - we have tried again today. i went out for 5 hours and dh tried lots of different foods to no avail. he eventually went to sleeep and dh then tried to give him a bottle but he even clamped his mouth down even in his sleep . when i got back he fed from me for the next 2 hours on and off and is now asleep. he just doesn't seem to register that food is for eating, he is happy to play with it and thats what he thinks it is for. we have done lots of messy play and on a few occasions he has liked the back of his hand (usually when he is getting upset or teething) but even with choclate spread he hasn't then wanted more.
i want to carry on feeding but hopefully combine it with food, i just feel so drunk with tiredness and feel sorry for ds1 and ds2 as its impacting how much or little i do with them after school and at weekends. i nearly didn't take one of my children to his best friends birthday party today as dh doesn't drive and the thought of getting washed and dressed and into the car filled me with dread, i just wanted the day off

shrub...you sound very down and upset about this. Firstly, this is a behavioural issue and not a nutritional one. And the behavioural aspects don't seem to be helped at all by the anxiety surrounding the feeding - in fact, it's making it worse and it's affecting the whole family.

The weaning window is rubbish, as Corrie says....forget about it.

My feeling is that to go away from him for a weekend would be very upsetting for both of you, and not worth the risk.

I think you need the chance to talk it over with someone who will listen to the whole story, right from birth and even before. There may well be other issues clouding the way forward.

Once this level of distrtess and anxiety are there, you can't win by trying to persuade the baby to eat. You need a different outlook.

There may be an eating clinic in your area, or else perhaps the HV supporting you could find out where you can get specialist help.

The other option would be simply to stop even trying to feed him solid food and just have it around at mealtimes, without 'getting him' to eat it or do anything with it. Breastfeed him ad lib, and then review in a month or so.

Good luck.

Sensible article with links \link{http://www.channel4.com/health/microsites/0-9/4health/food/fma_foodrefusal.html\here}

I regularly read on a German message board which is very attachment parenting - orientated.

There are many, many children on that board who didn't start to eat "properly" until well into their second year of life. I think if you breastfeed on demand this is not unusual at all. dd2 didn't eat any proper amounts of food until she was about 15 months.

Don't stress, just offer whatever the family is having at every meal, and I am pretty sure it will come.

Thanks Emkana - I guess we are an attachment led family having read 'continuum concept' etc. just not had this with my other 2 and its quiet exhausting juggling everyones needs but thanks for your words of reasurance.
Tiktok - Thanks for your post, I am reading through all the info you kinkly supplied. Have tried googling this lots of times and found very little so thanks again. I think I will just surrender to this taking longer than I thought and then I'm not battling with it. Not sure if all this overpraising that they talk about is also making it worse as it then becomes some kind of performance Thanks again xx

Overpraising is prob not appropriate for a 14 mth old - the focus needs to be taken off food and the behaviour surrounding it, from what I would understand.

Thanks Tiktok - my last post should have read 'quite' and 'kindly'

shrub - I went through this with my dd, who is now 3.5

It was awful - we were so stressed with the HV's - we had to have a panel interview at the hospital with speech therapist/ phsyiotherapists/ paeds / dietician - all because the HV's kept saying she would not be getting enough nutrients etc.

When she was about 15 months she took a slice of pizza from me and ate it. Since then she does eat, although very little, and fussily! But she was weaned without much stress at 19 months. She is - and always has been - very very small.

If you wean him it might not make any difference to his eating - except he won't be getting all the goodness and nutrients from you. I agree with others to not try and persuade or coerce, but just sit down and give him a plate of food at mealtimes.

Seeing a specialist is also a great idea - get your GP to refer you to a paed. or someone good - not just a HV who may not be sympathetic.

Best strategy IMO is to tell the HV what they want to hear.

I always told mine that dd was eating just fine, ta very much.

morninhpaper - slight hijack here, sorry - how much does your dd weigh etc? I ask because my dd2 eats like a sparrow and her eating has always been a cause for concern with us. She is 13 months and weighs just over 20lb.

donnie mine was 20lb at 18 months - I know that because I checked her red book recently because my dd2 is now 8 months and weighs 20lbs!! shocker

Basically she was always just hovering around the 0.4-2nd percentile for height and weight, often dropping under

Morningpaper - So your dd just took the pizza having refused all food before? That is what I'm hoping, that it isn't some eating disorder by refusing to eat, that maybe he just isn't ready and that he is a little stubborn about it. There seems to be a fine line between encouraging and force feeding as I am feeling so pressured. Thank you for posting. Did any of the 'specialists' say or do anything that helped?
Emkana - Not sure how to deal with HV as I was the one who asked for help after having one too many sleepless nights and stressing about the iron stores going down in breast milk after 6 months. He is very active so don't think he has iron deficiency but is pale.

she didn't refuse ALL food prior to that, but she refused MOST food - she certainly refused being fed. She would scream and bat the spoon away. She has never knowingly eaten fruit or veg. :) But she would occasionally pick up a biscuit or bit of dry bread and eat a bit of that. But it wasn't until the pizza incident that she actually showed any kind of INTEREST in eating.

iron deficiency in breastfed babies - this is bollocks

bollocks I tell you

there is less iron in breastmilk than in formula BUT the iron in breastmilk is far more available to the baby, because it is easier to digest

god I felt terrible about the iron thing

no the specialists didn't help - they just said well she looks fine - BUT luckily while were there she ate a few bites of digestive biscuit so I think that saved me.

shrub - iron stores don't go down on breastmilk after 6 months....think you have misunderstood something there. There is iron in breastmilk, readily absorbed by the baby, and this doesn't change. Babies' own iron stores (they're born with iron, 'collected' during pregnancy, one reason why prem babies may miss out as they haven't 'collected' enough) do start to diminish after 6 mths but it is not a sudden thing....a baby persisting on breastmilk alone for a long time after six months does need a careful eye cast over his diet, in my opinion, and encouragement to eat solids, but there is no need for anyone to panic about it, in the absence of any 'symptoms'.

Desperation and anxiety (on the part of professionals and parents) makes the situation worse, and delays the day when positive change arrives....staying relaxed and happy at mealtimes really is the way to go.

Morningpaper and Tiktok - Thank you both so much for your words of reassurance. This has really helped my state of mind over this. With regard to iron - would it help if I took an iron rich water supplement such as 'spatone' to enrich the breastmilk or would it make no difference?

Good luck shrub - some great advice on here. I have posted about this a few times lately but a friend of mine has an enormous, healthy 18 month old who is subsisting almost entirely on breastmilk. On a good day her dd would have maybe 2 pieces of pasta and a few raisins.

She too has an attachment parenting style and I think this style gives the child permission to do things at their own rate, instead of having to conform to the norms laid down by childcare manuals. I can understand what a worry it must be for you, but hope you can relax and work this out in a way that is right for your son, not just what the HVs advise for 'problem eaters' or whatever.

Ds physically didn't learn to feed himself (finger or spoon) until way past 14 months. He just couldn't get him hand to his mouth with food in it.

We just continued to eat together each meal and left him some on the table and talked and ignored him. Once we'd finished and done a count of everything on the table and the floor we realised that he was eating steadily once he could.

Ds had a blood test to check his iron - which was fine.

I have no particular advice to give but didn't want to let this thread go by without comment.

I will admit to reading the title and thinking OMG .. just feed him .. and THEN I READ ON

my gut reaction was so wrong ... I would do exactly as Tiktok describes .... but I could imagine just how stressed and anxious I too might be and could see how this might totally exacerbate a stubborn toddler's reaction

my only, inexperienced, thought would be to tell your HV you're going to be away for a month or so .. continue to feed on demand and don't stress about it .. do you have family meal-times? food in front of everyone round the same table (a booster seat for DS3?) .. everyone talking and chatting and ignoring DS3

good luck .. stay calm

Thanks FrannyandZooey and Threebob- good to hear Ds3 is not alone

Twiglett - Yes we eat every meal at the table and Ds3 has a tripp trapp chair so he's right up at the table. Loves watching everyone eat and will even lick his lips and play with the food but if I try putting it to his mouth either with my hand or a spoon he turns away and clamps down. If I gently persist he begins to get upset and it feels like I'm trying to force feed him and don't want to make things worse. We have lots of different spoons, bowls and cups and have tried lots of sweet foods,sloppy aswell as finger foods but have made no difference. He is only happy with breast or his hand going near his mouth. Have even tried putting food on my breast but he got really upset!

My ds is only just getting the hang of this weaning lark (he's 1 next week) and one thing I've noticed is that he's often happier to self-feed if no-one else is watching. I wonder if you've tried leaving him with a few chunks of banana and a bit of toast or something, and then wandering off to do the washing up?

It does sound as if you're really stressing about his eating (your dh trying lots of different foods when you were out, for example). I can understand why you are of course, particularly with pressure from the hv (my ds would be positively traumatised if my hv came round once a week to try and make him eat, I guarantee he wouldn't). As the others have said, I think the important thing is for you to chill out, and make sure eating (or not) is not a big deal. My ds eats porridge standing up in the living room with his dad, I'm sure this is terrible for his future table manners but they like it and he always eats tons. I'd be tempted to sit and watch a telly programme with him, eat a banana and just offer him a bit to see what he thinks.

Please don't persist at trying to feed him, even gently. Some children mind being fed. Would you like to be fed?

My DS2 was like this, but I just gave up very quickly and don't ever ever try to feed him. He self-feeds, and has done from about 7 months. (Not saying your DS would have self-fed at that age, but just saying, please stop struggling with him.)

donnie - my nearly 13 month old is just over 20lb - I know because she's just been able to go into next car seat. Bird-like appetite at times as well.

My ds eats reasonably well though he is on the small side (He weighed 20lbs at 15 months) but really does not eat breakfast. I put a plate of finger food (toast, fruit, cheese etc cut up) on the floot/small table and let him help himself over a couple of hours in the morning. I make no comment and take it away when we are going out. He generally take a few bites as he runs past . I do occasionally offer him a bit and sometimes he takes it but more often not.

I never make any comment on what he eats beyond ' Oh you must have been hungry' if he eats quite a bit and 'oh not hungry today?' if he doesn't eat.

I actively discourage 'good boy' comments from others when he eats and try and stay as neutral as possible (not easy I know).

A friend of mine had a similar problem with her second (of 4) children. She was tin and ate very little. She also was much keener on the breast than any of her siblings. As a ray of hope - At 5 years old she is still pretty fussy (though much better) and is still small but is by far the healthiest of all her siblings and never seems to get as ill as they do