Major weaning issues taking toll on DW.......... help!

[Blues73]

After weeks and weeks of issues over breast feeding my wife finally got there and with our dd piling on the pounds the time came to start weaning. DD is on 95th centile and doing well!

DD is still around the 95th centile and DW started off following the Annabel Karmel book to the minute with each feed being lovingly prepared and then....point blank refused by DD.

We've tried BLW and every now and then she is given food to "eat" and she happily grabs and sucks away but then we get moments like Sunday when (after having had a mammoth breast feed) she gagged on little piece of food and, well, projectile does not do what happened next justice!

DD likes eating food from pouches and maybe has half a week of doing "ok" and then the other half just turning the cheek and having days of nothing but breast milk.

We're now approaching month 7 and DW is struggling massively over the weaning process so much so that when I came home 2 weeks ago I found the Annabel Karmel book in 1000 pieces thrown all around the conservatory with the front cover wedged in a plant.........

Shame I can't invite Annabel Karmel around to my house because judging by the beautifully dressed bubba sitting there with mouth wide open and massive smile on her face she clearly knows something my wife doesnt.

The very next day though DD had changed from Jekyll back to Hyde and was munching happily so much so that DW was so cross and annoyed that she had destroyed the book and wanted it back............

I've unfortunately got to Jekyll and Hyde's under the roof!

DW is deflated needs pumping back up but she is surrounded with stories of babies doing so well on weaning and constantly says (through tears of torment) "I just want a baby that feeds!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Are we alone? Is there any kind of solution? Do we have to keep on with the trying and dealing with refusing (it's the refusing which causes my wife who has been suffering pnd quite badly for months - and is under the doctor) or should she just revert to breast feeding for a bit and done with it.

Is our baby perfectly normal and are the champion eaters a rarity as DW is convinced that we are in the minority?

I'd love to be at home to help but I have to work and it is sods law that if I was at home and went to feed DD right now that she would open her mouth immediately - it's just the way it goes doesn't it!?!?

I know being at home with a baby is draining to put it mildly and I know I am the natural punchbag but there is also the tendency to look for answers where perhaps there arent any e.g. do we need to find a feeding counsellor if there is such a thing or does DW need to see a counsellor to control her anxiety and patience over it all....

My advice to DW is that if we're a couple of minutes into the feed and getting nowhere to just end it and carry on with the day and let her start to feel hungry - something that I dont feel ever happens - is that a good tactic though?... and it doesn't help DW's feelings of patience and frustration.

Right now though the question is "are we alone?!?"

You are not alone. My DS didn't eat very much at all until around 9.5 months, he refused spoons totally and spent more time lobbing food or putting it in his mouth and spitting it out again than he ever did eating the stuff.

Its normal and fine for babies to play with it rather than eat it and have up and down days. As long as she is drinking her milk its absolutely not a problem at all. Milk should be still the main source of nutrition at this point, right up until they're one.

In my experience what happens is that one day, all of a sudden, a switch is flipped and the baby just "gets it".

Oh yeah and she did the right thing with the weaning book. Chuck it all away and just offer food when you eat, same as what you have (within reason) and the pouches if you like. If she eats it, fine. If she doesn't, fine. Let your DD lead the way.

I think all babies differ wildly. We did BLW and now at 18 months DS still relies on breastmilk rather than food. I am really worried but I think it's probably more stressful for the baby if your wife is getting stressed out. I try not to hover like a hawk over my DS and just let him get on with it.

I'll watch this with interest because for me the 'food is fun until you are one' thing passed ages ago and my son still has more fun than he does food and I worry all the time that he isn't getting enough.

is your wife still offering milk? It is ok for her to keep breastfeeding.

At approaching 7mos? So less than 4 weeks of trying a bit of food here and there? Um, nah. Loads of babies take months and months to get the hang of solids/ purees.

Most of them will point blank refuse stuff for weeks and then can't get enough of it as their taste buds get used to the new taste/ texture.

Dd2 didn't eat proper solids until way after her first birthday, and was always a big solid gel. Ds1 was frankly an elephant and yet refused everything except puréed pear and freaking yoplait.

Dd sounds like an absolutely run of the mill baby, I'm afraid, and it's dw's expectations of what babyhood is like that are out of whack.

Looking after a baby is gruelling stuff, and if all you see every day is rosy cheeked infants in the magazines of life, then it's really not your fault that reality hits you like a ton of bricks. Babies scream, refuse to feed, want to feed 24/7, want to sleep, don't want to sleep, will essentially drive you completely crackers (and indeed to tearing up annabel karmel cookbooks) but really, it's all perfectly normal.

If I was her I would dial right back on the complexity of food offered - dd is still so very young, and if she doesn't want it, shrug and give her a bottle, and try her again later in the day. It's no biggie.

And having been where dw is, I would make sure that she is getting out of the house every single day and forcing myself to mix with real human beings. And go back to the doctor and tweak meds if new - but understanding the difference between the media rose tinted representation of parenthood and the reality will go a long way to making her feel less inadequate.

My annabel karmel cookbook was used with dd1. I didn't bother with ds1 or dd2 as they came with their own rule book and I needed to keep sane.

Best wishes to dw. Babies are danged hard going until you relax (and sometimes still then, but you can get through it because you know it's completely normal).

Give yourselves a break. Until babies are a year old their main food is milk and at about 6 months all they will really do is play. I would say leave the book. Offer food when baby is not starving hungry and definitely not straight after a milk feed.

I would stick with the finger foods because I'm lazy and frankly life's too short. Keep the bits big and chunky - my DS was more likely to gag on smaller bits of food and at about 8-9 months they go through a phase where they do tend to gag a bit where they try to test the boundaries. They also start throwing stuff off the tray for you at that age!

I would give milk first thing in the morning, then an hour or two later offer some toast cut into squares or spoon in some cereal. The rest of the day I would offer things like chunks of banana or avocado (leave a bit of peel on the bottom to help with grip), breadsticks, thick slices of apple, a piece of roast chicken or whatever you're having for dinner. Make sure baby is upright and just pop something on the tray at meal times. Keep up the milk feeds and watch the salt content of anything processed (including bread) and just leave it for a bit.

If baby eats great. If she just plays that's fine too. If she does nothing that's ok too. Don't stress. She will eat when she's ready and in the meantime the milk will meet her nutritional needs.

My dd (also almost 7 months and a veteran of bf issues too) is doing exactly the same. It is totally normal honest. In fact I think she's doing brilliantly despite the fact that she only eats versions of about three diff things and you can't even rely on that!! My kitchen is covered in discarded food after each meal time.

The best thing I found to keep my sanity is to NOT do anything special for baby. If it's refused it kills a little bit of you. Consider the baby when cooking for yourselves for a bit.eg I roasted a heap of butternut squash for us all when I did a chicken recently. DD sucked on that for dinner and i pureed the rest to add (yucky in dd's opinion) things like green veg into it. Or use the pouches. DD is addicted to Ella's kitchen fruit one (when the mood takes her to eat)

I suppose my main point is I'm in same boat but I realised now (it's only taken nine years and two other kids!) that we're doing well with weaning.

So are your family!!!

Food is for fun, until 1!
Try just introducing one meal a day to start with, say breakfast, then if that goes well try dinner later on in the day, and so on. If she is getting bombarded with 3 meals a day, from just having milk til 6 months, then she isn't gonna take to it.
BLW is what we're doing, and it's all about having fun with food. Feeling their texture, colours, tastes. You basically chuck it infront of them, and they explore.
Also, just relax about it, as babies pick up on our senses.
Oh, and your wife was right to tear up the book. Shove it in the recycling bin to save the planet

Babies are just learning about taste and texture, they wont and shouldn't just eat whatever is offered in the exact amount it is offered or they are not controlling their intake.

They will naturally eat more some days than others, not fancy something they are offered or plain not eat anything because they are feeling a bit off and that is completely normal. Vomiting is a bit scary, but I bet your dd didn't care at all, and it shows that her gag reflex is working well!

You need to get your wife out of the mindset that your child is refusing the food she is giving her, her job is to offer a mixture of different foods for your dd to try, and your dd will eat or not as she needs. Has she read the BLW book? It is really good for adjusting what you expect from a baby that is just starting to learn how fun food can be!!! Remember, milk is a complete meal at this age and she won't need to be eating much extra to be getting everything she needs to thrive (ESP if you give her vitamin drops in addition)

When DS was weaning I did BLW, and he sat with me when I was eating and ate something from my plate, and it was soooooo much less stressful than the whole loving shop for and prepare and freeze then defrost and heat and cool and try to feed and baby rejecting thing.

I really think you need to talk to your wife about how her pnd is being managed though, to have such an extreme reaction shows that all us not well and perhaps she needs more support or a higher dose of Ads?

I really feel for your DW and understand how difficult it is! I've also had major breastfeeding problems with my DD, to the point of her total feeding refusal due to reflux where she would only sleep feed for around 2 - 3 months. This completely killed my confidence where feeding was concerned and I believe was the main reason for my PND. When we started weaning, she started off eating may be 1 - 2 teaspoons, then progressing slowly to 1 - 2 table spoon until she was about 9 - 10 months old after which time her intake started to increase. She also preferred pouch food to home-made for a long while. She's 15 months now, drinks hardly any milk but eats OK (with lots of other dairy in her diet to ensure she gets enough calcium). She's not brilliant in terms of quantities but will try lots of new things. I still think she is not a good eater, but it's probably my problem, not hers! She's on 60th centile so must be getting enough!! :) It sounds like your DD is doing well with her weight gain and is getting all the nutrients she needs from milk and food that she does eat. It does get easier as they get older, and I have pretty much stopped worrying about it and don't feel anxious about her eating like I used to. I hope your DW finds ways to cope with it better, unfortunately your DD's unlikely to change overnight and become a brilliant eater, your DW needs to lower her expectations so that she can feel more relaxed about it. Good luck!

Gosh, my DD didn't really start eating proper meals until she was welll over one! It sounds like your DD is doing quite well, really.

I think the stats are that at 1 year of age, babies are getting 75% of their calories from breastmilk/formula. This tapers down to 25% at 2nd birthday. Also, what babies ought to be eating IS measured in tablespoon amounts so small amounts are exactly right.

I agree with a previous poster and wonder if your wife needs a bit more social support during the day?

Definitely tell your DW she can relax. It is worrying at first but the best approach must be to let your DD lead the way (that's why it's called BLW). everything you have described is normal. My advice would be to ensure you all sit down together so she sees you and DW eating. Even if all she does is toy with a strawberry and watch you, it's all going in to her brain. Really don't worry at this stage, 7 months is so early in the weaning process. As others have said, food is meant to be another 'toy' really until they are 1, learning about textures and tastes. If you haven't already read Gill Rapley's book on BLW, do so, as it will make you and DW feel so much more relaxed about the whole thing.

The hardest thing about being a parent is wanting to do everything right for your child and it's so easy to worry about everything. I spent the first 3 months of DD's life worrying about struggling with BF and like your wife really struggled with it. I felt like such a let down. I realised that EBF was not for us and so I introduced a couple of bottles, from there things got better. I had a light bulb moment of realising that you literally have to make it up as you go along and started to apply this to everything, whatever worked for us I did, even if it wasn't what everyone else was doing, because all babies are different.

My DD will eat purees but mainly throws finger food on the floor, it's hit or miss. When does your wife feed your DD? There is so much info out there and I know some babies like a milk feed first, others like it after, some like it during and others at different times. Maybe your DD is either not hungry or over hungry? My DD is 7mo and we've just stopped BF and moved to bottles, these are her times:

7am bottle (7oz)
8am breakfast
9am nap and bottle (5oz) wake up 10:45
11:30am lunch
1pm nap and bottle (5oz) wake up 2pm
4pm bottle (5oz)
5:30pm lunch
7pm bed and bottle (7oz)

Why don't you get your wife to write down what times she does things and see if she can see a pattern and then maybe she can try different times. The above works for us because they tie in with nap times and nursery meal times (she starts in 5 weeks) but she also seems to eat better if she's had her bottle an hour or so before.

That said maybe your DD is just taking her time and will get it when she gets it. Maybe see if she just doesn't like certain foods. Perhaps it's her way of saying that she doesn't like them. Does she have more favourable foods? I would advocate giving the same things over and over but perhaps if your wife gives those more then she'll get the hang of it. Today for example at lunch time I tried the finger food again with banana and she managed a whole piece. However at breakfast the crumpet just kept getting thrown on the floor. I eat with DD in the hope that she will see me eating and understand what it's all about, maybe suggest eating with DD to your wife.

Good luck to her (and you), it's not easy teaching a person to eat and I'm sure she's doing a spectacular job. It's not easy for you either to see her going through it but I say extra brownie points to you for being such a caring husband and for trying to help so much. Perhaps a bar of chocolate or a magazine for DW when you come in from work every now and then wouldn't go amiss. When you spend your whole day with your child and there is something that is consistantly stressing you out it's amazing how much a magazine and a bar of chocolate and a big hot bubble bath with glass of wine helps!!

I agree with lizzywig re the daily schedule, I think it's important to try and get it right especially for babies who aren't naturally big eaters. Also try finding foods your DD likes and use them as a back up. My DD, when all else failed, would always eat mashed up avocado with Philadelphia (obviously you need to make sure your DD hasn't got a dairy intolerance), or you might just give her the avocado on its own (or with salmon) if you don't want to introduce dairy products yet.