Weaning & parents with eating disorders

[Curlywig]

Hello

I have name changed for this post but am a regular.

I am looking for some advice/ support from parents who may have/ have had an ED and have got to the point of weaning their DCs.

Before I start please for one minute do not think that I am considering not giving my DD food or that I am looking to limit what she is having.

On the contrary, I have had such a crap relationship with food (partiucally brought on by my parents relationship with food) and I really want my DD to have a good relationship with food and enjoy it.

I think that what I am concerned about most is ensuring that she gets enough and gets enough of everything. I really like the idea of BLW but think that I may try some spoon fed foods too.

Thinking about weaning my DD (nearly 5 months old now but not sure she is quite ready) has really made me think long and hard about my own eating habits. I have seen a therapist before for other issues which are related but not really directly dealt with the issues that I have around food- I have just contacted the therapist again today as I realise i need to speak about this.

I would like to find out if anyone else has had to deal with this issue and how you managed it. I wasnt sure if I should post this here or in somewhere like relationships - seems a bit serious for the weaning board.

Thanks for reading :)

Hi, my ds is coming up to 5 months so I have no experience to offer but I have been pondering similar issues. I consider myself an ex-bulimic, but one who still has food issues - the one I'm mostly worried about is my compulsive eating which is worse when stressed. I have mild pnd and have been self-medicating with junk food since ds was born. Am worried that he will soon start to pick up on this.

I think seeing your therapist again sounds like an excellent idea (I need to start that again too!)

I also want to blw as I think that it is an excellent foundation for healthy eating habits.

What do you think you will struggle with?

Hi there,

Thanks for your reply, I am sorry that you have the same issues too but am glad that I am not alone. I feel quite guilty for admitting that I have a problem and even worse for thinking how it might affect dd. I guess i would consider myself to be the same, ex-bulimic but still with issues around food. Its hard to pin it all down but often dealing with food myself gets me in a bit of a panic, you know when you get that feeling where you are losing control. I think with my dd I need to really plan what she is going to have and then think about her being part of family meal times too but obviously those meal times need to be healthy and fun too. Its all the thinking about it thats getting me stressed out.

I've got a couple of Annabell Karmel books which suggest what to start with for the fist couple of weeks. I really like the idea of that kind of structure, it takes all of the worry away. But then going forward I almost feel like I could do with a meal planner type thing for me, so 3 meals a day and a couple of snacks so that dd can be part of this in the future. I wonder if someone like a dietician/ nurtritionist would be worth seeing for that kind of advice?

It sounds like it would be good for you to see someone to deal with the PND too. I think they are all interlinked so helping deal with one will help the other.

Have no experience of this. But just wanted to say that I think you are both fab mums for being aware of this and thinking about these issues so intelligently. It can't be at all easy and I wish you both strength and send you hugs XX

Thanks very much cardamomginger that's really thoughtful of you. I was worried about posting and getting totally flamed. I wonder whether I should post this elsewhere?

Hi curly, sounds like you have the beginning of a good plan :)

I am going to sort of go in the other direction, I think, as when I think about food too much I get a bit obsessed. Hence blw for me as with that you offer milk feeds first and food is just for fun and exploring at first. I'm hoping it will take the pressure off.

Don't know how you find reading - whether it helps or makes you feel more anxious, but I found Gill Rapley's book very helpful. Also a book called Real Food for Mother and Baby by Nina Planck.

Thanks for your comment cardamom that's really thoughtful of you.

Ps you could also try this in mental health?

Have another YAY and another hug .xx

I think you have to do what you feel works for you. I know exactly what you mean about overthinking it and then it making the pressure worse.

Thanks for those book recomendations - I will have a look. Am going to post a link in mental health to see if anyone in there has any more experience.

Good luck Oko x

Ladies, I don't have anything useful to add BUT having been raised by a mother with massive food Ishoos I am SO impressed you're doing this. Your DCs are v. lucky to have such thoughtful mums. :)

I am reading a great book my child won't eat (borrowed from LLL, there must be cheap second hand copies about). the stuff about what food to introduce when seems out of date, but the stuff about how not to let food be an "issue" seems fantastic.

I went through a phase (for a few years) when I would only eat 5 things. I wasn't anorexic (though I was underweight) - food had just become a control issue. I am still very fussy about food, though have forced myself to get a broader diet over the years, but I still struggle with different foods touching on a plate, for example.

when ds1 didn't take to food I found it very stressful, and on occasion tried forcing food into his mouth when he didn't want to eat. I feel awful about it, but it was fueled by my panic. he has got much better as I have backed off.

am about to start weaning the dts, and am finding this book is good at the how to (rather than what to) feed. the simple message is "never force your child to eat, and offer a range of healthy options through a week". "force" includes persuading with things like aeroplane games, bribes etc.

good luck. food is something I now really enjoy, I just want my dcs to be able to enjoy it without any hangups.

sorry for the essay. my dts are 5.5mo. want to share the weaning journey together?

Oh bugger!

I did a long reply and then it vanished!

I was going to move this to the mental health board but havent yet.

Blackcurrants thanks so much for your post - really thoughtful of you. I think a lot of people who have ended up with issues/ negative feelings about food did so because of their family.

Mamachocholic thanks for the book reccomendation. Sorry to hear that you have had difficulties around food too but well done for recognising it with your DS1 and now trying to take a diferent approach with your dts.

I totally agree with what you have said about the aeroplane, bribary type things - in fact reading that made me feel quite weird. Food was always a big control thing in my family (and still is).

That sounds like a great idea to go through the weaning journey together :) - it would be really good to chat to someone who understands where I'm coming from. A few other mums have started weaning their babies and asked when I will be starting with DD, asking if I am starting this weekend. She not even 5 months yet and I know that children have been/ are still weaned earlier but i just feel for her she isnt quite ready yet and seems to be satisfied with her milk. Also a bit concerned about allgeries as we have them in our family. Getting all my bits togehter though and reading more. Have you got everything you need? Do you have a plan of what you are going to start with?

I'm lazy so planning blw. it seems less likely that I can influence them this way too (not confident I can be a positive influence, so keeping a distance seems positive in itself). dt2 has reflux medicine. the book says children only have 3 ways to avoid eating when they don't want/need to - closing their mouth, turning their head away, and swallowing but being sick. he's already doing the first two with his medication, and today started on the third :( he already sees me coming at him with syringe or spoon as negative and this is my other reason for blw.

we have high chairs, and have been putting the dts in them with toys at mealtimes to get them used to sitting there, but even that has been more successful with one than the other, who just throws toy after toy on the floor. am going to need to stay calm when it's food being wasted like that.

think we will start with cucumber sticks. the inner bit seems soft enough they will be able to suck something off quite easily and they are gumming everything they can, so hopefully will be cool and soothing for their gums.

the allergy thing gets me too. no severe allergies, but I couldn't have milk as a child (got sick) or chocolate (eczema - all cleared up now :)). I subscribe to the theory that allergens should be introduced early, but in small doses. but it seems so much about allergies is theory, who knows what's right?

what are your plans? I think weaning is (for me) such an emotion laden process that you're right to wait until you and your dd feel ready.

another essay - sorry! - I can do brevity too, honest

:( Sorry to hear about your dt2 Mama, my lo had a touch of reflux too but I think its slowly imoproving. I understand that this must make you feel more anxious about feeding so blw definately seems the way forward. That way you dts can be in control themselves.

With the toys/ food being thrown, i think it is hard but maybe try to keep in mind that for them its still just playing so until they learn they can do something else other than throw the food and that it is for eating I guess that we might have some games and mess on our hands!

cucumber sticks are a good idea. and really quick and easy for you to prepare too.

I plan to start probably in a few weeks time, dd has a crappy cold at the moment so has been quite sick because of the phelgm (tmi). we have a high chair and have got spoons/ small bowls / ice cube trays. are you thinking of doing any pureees? I was thinking about your post last night and kept thinking over and over the thing about forcing/ bribing a child to eat. i watched a friend feed her lo like that the other day, only day 3 of weaning and giving him loads and loads of carrot puree. made me feel really uncomfortable, not that i am saying there is anything wrong if he wanted it, its just me.

I really want dd to be part of our meals too so its actually making me look quite hard at what i am eating. I bought Olive magazine the other day- have never bought a food/ cooking mag before but it was nice to get some ideas, to enjoy it rather than seeing it as a scary blackhole.

I think it will be lovely to have your dts together and watching & copying each other with food, particularly with the blw. :)

Have added our thread on to the mental health board.

I like that you're enjoying looking at food mags. I'm hoping weaning this time round will be a positive step for me too (if I can not worry about whether/how much our babies eat, mess, waste, various ick factors I have around food and so on and on and on :)). a friend says she fed her children whatever the adults were having, but it meant she had to tailor adult meals to be suitable for children, and as a result now eats a more healthy and varied diet.

I'm planning to skip purees altogether. I learned at a weaning talk yesterday that feeling "full" comes from chewing, not just how much you swallow, which is part of why it's recommended to do finger foods along with purees, and why you can (over)feed lots of pureed carrot. I've milk fed on demand, and I want the babies to continue to regulate their own appetite. not opposed to spoon feeding in principle tho - don't imagine I'll be letting them loose on yoghurt and soup without a spoon - but keen that they have some control over what they eat. I suspect my issues stem from not being allowed much control as a small child; anything not eaten at one meal would be returned, cold, at the next and I would have nothing else until it was eaten.

sorry your dd has a cold. spring is in the air, so hopefully it'll be the last till next winter! and probably good to hold off till she's better, food never tastes great with a stuffy nose.

we're so close to 6 months now that I expect we'll wait till then - about 10 days to go!

Hi Mama
How are you getting on? My dd was 5 months yesterday! Where has the time gone?!

I am coming around the the skipping purees altogther too. In fact thinking of returning all of the unopened pureee ice cube trays that I bought from m.care - the beba ones were £12 each!! I bought 2 and didnt realise how much they were until I got to the till! I went out and bought it when a friend decided she was going to start weaning her lo and I got into a right flap about it - i had to take another friend with me to buy all of the stuff.

Thats really interesting about the chewing thing but it makes sense when you think about it. The chewing sends a msg to your tummy that food is on its way.

I am really sorry to hear about what happened when you were a child ((big hug)) and I can totally understand why you feel the way that you do. When I was younger parents went on and on about food, then on and on about dieting but didnt let me eat what i thought was right for my appetite in terms of portions or in terms of type of food. I remember developing some fads around food (vegetarian even though I liked meat, didnt eat peas though i always ate them at my grandmas house etc etc) just so that I could have some control. Then when I got to be a teenageer and my self esteem was low my mother would go on and on about me dieting, but wouldnt support it by buying healthy foods. Everything on your plate had to to be finished in my house (which I am sure must ring true with lots of people) except that I actually felt afraid if I wasnt going to be able to eat all of my meal- so if I didnt finish it up then affection would be witheld and they would be really angry with me. I remember my dad being so angry once that I wasnt going to finish my meal he actually got up to leap across the room and hit me that he forgot he had his own dinner on a tray on his lap. Half funny when you think about it now!

The cold is on its way out but we've been getting out everyday for a walk to get some fresh air so hopefully thats helped.

The other evening I looked up baby led weaning on you tube- some really lovely videos on there of babies feeding themselves. One video I saw of normal weaning made me a bit sad - a baby wanting to play with the spoon and the purree but his mum not letting him. he was sitting in some kind of walker/ jumperoo and then started playing with the toys and she told him off as he wanted to play. But if you look up the baby led weaning ones they looks so fun. particularly like this one thought you have to excuse the dads language he is clearly just really excited about his son eating for himself! The same dad has now come out with a website and book my daddy cooks which looks good too.

Hi Curlywig - my DS is nearly 2 so we've been through the weaning process. I was bulimic for years after sixth form and at university (something my family still don't know about) which I managed to get under control with the love and support of a very dear friend and my (now) DH. I still have issues with food - still binge eat, still control what I eat, still hate myself if I eat what I consider to be too much or the wrong thing, but I haven't purged for years and, in fact, becoming pregnant with DS (and DC2 - I'm due my second in July) has changed the way I feel about my body and changed my relationship with food a lot.

Anyhoo - just wanted to say that I was very aware (and still am) of my own problems when it came to weaning DS. We did a combination of purees and finger foods. My golden rule has been never to force the issue and it seems (touch wood) to be working so far - he eats a varied diet and is usually willing to try new things. He also stops when he's had enough, which is sometimes after two mouthfuls and sometimes after three bowlfuls! This variation in appetite is something that took a bit of getting used to but I think it's quite normal. He has gone (and still goes) through phases of not eating something that he has previously loved, but I just remove it from the menu for a week or so then reintroduce it and he usually wolfs it down. When we did purees early on I always gave DS a spoon to hold himself so he could have a go at scooping, and encouraged him to take the other spoon from me once I'd loaded it up - so never ever forcing him to eat when he didn't want to, and always giving him the opportunity to join in. Always had a combo of puree and finger foods at each meal, and the purees got lumpier quite quickly.

Oh, and ice cube trays are really useful for freezing portions of pasta sauce, cheese sauce, sweet potato wedges etc - so not necessarily a totally useless purchase even if you don't go down the puree route!

Good luck :)

Hi there. I realise I'm a bit late to this thread.

Just started weaning DD (she's 24 weeks) and doing it with some trepidation as I had anorexia and then bulimia for about 10 years. I was in and out of hospital with the anorexia until I was about 25 but since then (3/4 years ago) have managed to maintain a healthy bmi and had my lovely DD (a miracle really as I didn't have a period for 6 years!)

I have decided to do blw, partly becasue of my issues but mainly (see other post) because DD clamps her mouth shut and refuses purees! Speaking to my mum, turns out i did the same for 8 WEEKS before she managed to "get food into me". Much family therapy later (and yes - we all laugh about the odd stuff they make you do in hospital therapy now!!!) and since finding out about BLW, my mum is convinced I would have been much better with BLW and that her being told by HVs etc to "force feed" me with purees may have had an impact. I'm not sure about that! Seems a bit far fetched!

But.... have been weaning for just a few days. I have decided on a policy of ALWAYS eating with DD and al;ways eating what she eats, despite some foods being not entirely "safe" for me. Just to be clear, I consider myslef well and truly over my ED - I eat with DH always and eat very well, although there are still some random things that I won't really eat. BUt, for instance, I ate one of those "unsafe" things this morning with DD (banana). Being smily and positive while eating banana with DD made me not worry about it myslef - happy mummy and happy DD! DH was involved also in my recovery (I was hospitalised for the last time a few months after we were married) and we found that me ALWAYS eating with him and ALWAYS eating what he eats (so not, for instance, just the veggies, or having the same salad but with no dressing etc etc) was amazing for getting over the ED. So I am applying the same to eating with DD.

Umm.... not sure what else to say as I'm just starting on thye weaning road. Maybe we could tread this path together a bit as its all such uncharted territory!

x

ps - I haven't name changed for this - I am actually quite proud of getting better so I don't mind!

Hi Bicnod & legallyblond thanks for joining the thread.

Bicnod really pleased that your pregnancy and support from DH has helped you change the way you feel about food. I know that being pregnant really helped me and certainly made me cut out being sick but I did ironically suffer with bad morning sickness throughout the day. I understand it might be difficult sometimes to understand why his appetite changes but then I guess that is a sure sign that he is regulating his appetite himself and taking as much as he feels that he needs. thanks for the tip about the trays! I might keep some of the bigger ones as I think they will be handy for some foods but the smaller and more expensive ones I might return and spend the money on toys! :o

legallyblond thanks for sharing too and well done you for not name changing! the reason I did is my usual name I use on other sites and I am not really 'out' to my family although DH knows) about my eating problems.

I am sorry to hear that you suffered so badly with ED's but credit to you for becoming healthy now and maintaining a good BMI. I am the same with you that I find it really helps to eat with my DH and I do plan to eat with my DD too and for us to have dinner together as a family when we can. I think that eating the foods that I will be feeding my DD as well means that I know what I am eating will be good for me, and I hope that it wont trigger anything else off and I can stay positive.

Feeling a bit low this morning as we have just got back from the clinic had DD weighed and the HV said that DD has jumped up another line. When she was born she was quite a small baby even though she was full term so she gained weight v quickly initially but is now having 4/5 bottles a day and she (touch wood) sleeps through the night. The hv seemed to be concerned about her weight gain being too much but then when she calculated the amount of formula she was having it wasnt like she was having an excess at all. Has just left me feeling a bit strange about the whole thing. She mentioned that it would be better at the 6 month check to measure her length as this could have picked up meaning she would be back under the 75th percentile.

Curly arghh at your HV! as if it isn't enough that adults have body image issues, she wants to project on your dc! I understand that overfeeding can be a problem for some babies, but afaik, as long as you allow them to regulate how much they eat and don't do the "just finish that last bit in the bottle" they will stop when full. angry on your behalf, although about sleeping through. also, I have issues with the idea that a baby should track a centile. haven't had the dts weighed since 2 months, tho I'm thinking of going monday just for a baseline for weaning. I know looking at them that they are healthy and happy, so will not listen to any rubbish!

I'm still keen on the blw approach. those videos are fantastic, I so want food to be fun for the dts. we have decided on melon as their first food, starting on Friday. am trying to be excited rather than nervous about it. met a woman at baby group today whose son is 7mo and really enjoying it (he was chewing on a plum) so that was encouraging.

legally it sounds like you're continuing to make a fantastic recovery. I'm very impressed that you ate outside your safe foods with your dc. what a fantastic example you're setting :) I'm hoping weaning this time round will also be positive for me. I've slowly expanded what I'll eat over the last few years, but I still have "rules" about how it's cooked and served (which oddly vary by strictness somewhat randomly). not sure how prepared I am to deliberately step outside these but worth thinking about.

Bicnod sounds like you did a great job. I'm still getting used to the variation in appetite with ds1 who will sometimes eat more than me, and sometimes have 2 pieces of pasta.

Thanks curly and mama!

Curly - I sort of had to be "out" really as I looked so ill and was in hospital.... I wish beyond wish some people didn'y know about it as it means that, despite being fully better, I feel I have to be "seen" to eat loads when out for a meal etc, even though, like evryone, sometimes I am not that hungry or just fancy a salad!

Re your HV - ignore!!!! Fatter babies are healthy babies at this age! DD was born on 75th centile and is now consistently on 98th, so she's not small! Getting height checked is a good thing though, I normally do ask HV to check that. In fact, DD is off the charts for height - she's over the 99.6th centile by quite a bit! I am 5'11" though, so that's not surprising!

In fact, I really, really wanted DD NOT to lose weight when she was born, obviously because I wanted her to be healthy but also because of the experience of a friend I knew from hospital. She was recovered and had a lovely little boy but he failed to regain his birth weight by about a month and he was readmitted. The hospital staff, on discovering my friend had had an ED, accused her of starving her baby and called in social services!!! She wasn't at all and, after 2 days of tests, they discovered he had a UTI and that was the reason for the lack of weight gain. She got a formal apology! So anyway, especially as I have ebf DD, I have always been deleighted at her weight gain. HV is also very, very positive and often tells me that DD is thriving!

Mama - thanks! I am just aiming to be totally relaxed around food with DD, which I don't feel I can be if some foods are ok for her but "off limits" for me.

I think that, as we move towards 3 meals a day, I will plan to have broadly the same stuff each day so that I don't have to think about food - the more I think about it the worse it is. That way I kow that we're both eating well and hopefully we can just enjoy it! So.... avocado as a snack in a minute!

One other HUGE help has been not having any scales in the house since I found out I was pregnant. I do panic slightly that i don't know what i weight, but the benefits of not knowing outweigh (he he) the not knowing, iyswim!

Mama - thanks for empathising - I always let dd have what she wants out of her bottle and she either turns her head away or pushes the bottle away if she doesnt want any more. dd was all over the place as she was something like 0.4th centile when she was born and then just kept jumping up. She didnt stay on one line so the issue the hv seemed to have wasnt with her weight but with the bloody line! Sorry about the sleeping through - eating my words tonight though as the cold seems to have revived itself and she's full of snot and grumpiness bless her. good luck at your clinic and dont forget you know whats best for them really so try to shut your ears to anything rubbish.

Hey LBlonde - thanks for your reassurance too. I feel better about it all today but just left the clinic feeling really miffed. I am so sorry to hear about your friend. That is awful. I am glad they formaly apologised but that poor lady must have felt terrible about that.

I know what you mean about the planning. Sometimes if you have a bit of an idea before and get the planning out of the way then you dont need to think about it all of the time. How did the avacodo go??

legally that is absolutely terrible about your friend. it must have put so much (unnecessary, additional) pressure on you when trying to establish bf. well done!

I do the planning too - I like to know what I'm eating at the next meal, and feel best when we do a weekly meal planner. I eat plenty, and snack plenty, but there's a security in knowing what the coming meals are. no idea if your mum's right, that blw would have made a difference to you, but lovely that she's supporting you now.

curly boo to the cold.

anyway, we start tomorrow. melon for breakfast assuming we can get ds1 up in time so the morning isn't too rushed

So mama how did the melon go?

Dd has been playing in her highchair today and has taken a shine to the spoon. im just pleased she didnt poke herself in the eye with it.

planning does help take the panic away doesnt it? and just think soon your dts can join in with all of your meals!

Have to say, I am amazed at how fast DD is taking to this weaning lark! I tried spoon feeding for 4 weeks - got no-where, nothing at all went in as she just clamped her mouth shut, hence my HV suggesting and me going for BLW (coupled with my anxieties about weaning becasue of the ED history etc). BUT, DD has now been feeding herself for 5 days and its great! I can see from her nappies that she's eating (banana seeds and bits of asparagus in there - nice) and the real revelation is how laid back about it DD is. For her, this food lark is FUN and a happy experience. She lieterally smiles all through every meal! The way she's taken to it is making it a million times easier for me..... and her enthusiasm is sort of catching. Food is fun..... amazing!

Lots and lots of luck to you both Mama and Curly.... I know I am only 5 days in but its turning out a lot less scary than anticipated.

(And I have eaten 2 "unsafe" foods - banana and avocado - with DD and enjoyed them!)