How early to have my baby for a holiday?

[Mousey101]

Hi,

Im worried about giving my baby abandonment issues! He’ll be 19 months and we’ve been invited to my husbands best friends wedding in Kenya, it’s been a rough year - with no sleep and a complete loss of identity and would love to go. The minimum we could make it work would be 6 full days and night away from him.

He would be at my mother’s house which he knows and she takes wonderful care of him. But I just feel so incredibly guilty going off and having fun and leaving him at home (bringing him isn’t an option).

what are everyone’s thoughts on this? Too soon to leave him? Will it give him any permanent damage? Help.

I would ease him into it. Let her have him overnight, then two days, etc, so he sees it as normal and knows you're coming back.

So yeah, I would say go for it, with some planning and preparation.

He'll be fine. Agree with PP about a night or two with granny in advance.

I'm in my 50s. I survived my parents going on honeymoon when I was four. I was 5.5 and my brother 6m when they went away for three weeks. We're all still on speaking terms 😉

365x18 is 6570 days - 6 isn’t that many!

Also have a think about whether you FaceTime him at all, as that may be more upsetting for him. It might be a better case of "Out of sight, out of mind" until you get back. In other words, you may miss him, but it may be unsettling for him to chat with you and wonder where you are.

That sounds amazing, of course go I say this as someone who advocates for strong attachment during baby and toddlerhood. Ease him in 1 night each week from now I don't think you need to do 2 nights. Maybe satyf rest night at your parents'. Enjoy Kenya and your mum will love her time with her gc.

You’re always going to get divided opinions on this . My sister left her daughter at 6 months for a week , a huge birthday celebration at a destination not really suitable for a baby. She was fine . As long as baby is familiar with their caregivers that’s really all they need .
you need time to be you , as well as mummy

I wouldn't do FaceTime, that would be strange and frustrating for a toddler.

That's an awfully long way to go away from him. Everyone is different, but there is just no way I could do this. Are you sure that you will feel okay being away from him for so long and so far away?

We had a few short breaks while our child with grandparents i dont see how being a martyr helps anyone and 'abandonment issues' after a few days away is dramatic i think

So long? It's 6 days.

6 days is quite a long time away from such a long child though, isn't it? Maybe that's not the same for everyone.

Just build up to it with your Mum doing a couple of days and overnights if he hasn't already done that. We left Ds1 aged 2 1/4 for 3 nights/4 days with both sets of Grandparents so each had him 2 days. This was before facetime but I also think seeing us on a screen might not have been a good idea.

My Mum also had both my children for 3 days so we could attend a wedding 5 hours away from us. Day to travel there and into the hotel, the wedding on the Saturday, then travelling back on the Sunday.

My Mum was hospitalised for a week needing surgery about 6 weeks after giving birth to her first child. My Dad had to look after his child, solo parenting as he had no choice because his wife was unavailable. My Dad also worked away for long periods, he was a full hands on Dad too. He did this from before I was born so it was normal for me. Lots of parents work away, or are in the military and so away for long stretches or work away Mon-Fri. It is 6 days, not 6 months.

You are also a person, not just a wife and Mother, go and enjoy yourselves as a couple. Have a wonderful time.

6 days really isn't that long.

I'd do it OP, he will survive and won't even remember it.

Is the child long too? 😂No it's not the same for everyone. Secure attachment is important but in the long run, not living in servitude to your offspring is even more important. From experience they don't respect you if you do. Op's toddler will have a wonderful time with granny and after a week, all is back to normal but with OP having had an adventure. Sure some mums might be feckless and prioritise new boyfriends, second families or partying over nurturing their children but somehow I don't get the impression OP is one of them. If she likes it, perhaps next year they can travel to Kenya as a family. All this is amazing for dc resilience and success.

I don't think a 19 month old has much of a grip on time. Ask one what they were doing six days ago - I don't think you'll get a realistic answer!

Entirely your choice and whatever you feel comfortable with.
I probably wouldn't go so far for so long with a child of that age though

How long have you been away from him so far? You might want to trial a shorter time first so see if you enjoy it or just end up missing him.

It'll be totally fine.

I left my 20 month old for four nights to have a break by myself, DH looked after. Had a lovely time, and some amazing full nights of sleep. Baby was a little more clingy with husband for a few days when I got back but all back to normal after then.

Young children with insecure attachment and emotional problems as a result usually come from chaotic homes with parents who are emotionally unresponsive. Not loving and responsive parents who have the odd break occasionally.

He should be fine at 19 months, let him do a few overnights first then a 2 night weekend with your mum so he sees being there as normal.

Honestly, they don’t remember. I had to work away, they were and are fine. This is over 25 years ago.

Thank you so much everyone. You’re all right - he will be fine. I’ll just miss him a lot and he might find it hard but won’t remember. And at the end of the day my marriage could do with the trip and mentally I could too. The guilt is just never ending. We’ve done the odd night or two away and he’s been perfectly fine. Just feels scary being so far away but I trust my mum implicitly. Mum guilt hey!

You won’t traumatise him but 6 nights, very far away feels a little risky to me. And I’m generally pretty lax.

I’m sorry you’ve had a rough year. Can you change your day-to-day to have a better balance?

My child has thrived from being cared for and loved by various family members, overnight, through the day and yes long weekends! In the spirit of honesty I haven't ever left him for 6 nights as he’s always come on holiday with us but he has been away from us for a week or so multiple times when he’s been on holiday with family members! He will be fine!

@AlphaApple i know it’s an 8 hour flight - but we went to Cornwall for 2 nights last summer and took us 10 hours to get home in bank holiday traffic. Also if it was any closer we would take him annoyingly. The day to day is fine - it’s more the constant sleep deprivation/ loss of identity / financial issues of childcare / rough patch in my marriage due to both of us being so damn tierd all the time! It hasn’t made much financial sense me going back to work so it’s just me at home alone for a lot of the day and slightly tedious / relentless / lonely. And my son can be quite tricky 😆 takes after his mother 😛

Tbh it sounds like you have bigger problems but if I were you If I was feeling that down I would try and go back to work. Surely a trip to Kenya isn’t cheap so surely the financial difficulties can’t be that bad.

i wouldn’t leave a baby for this long or be so far away they can get sick to quickly and for me it would just be too long but obviously everyone is different but you are asking. I think different if one of you went but I don’t think I’d be comfortable with both parents being out of the country