Teenager Solo Travel Advice

[AnxiousWombat]

My DS (20) wants to go travelling for the first time by himself all across Europe, but me and DH are worried about his decision.

Firstly, he isn't that streetwise and we worry that he might face some sort of crime or might have his passport stolen, etc. We have tried to tell him about these worries we have, and my DH said that he can go as long as he doesn't bother us about his issues when abroad, but my DS then said he wishes that his family would support him wherever he was if he was in trouble (DH can often say things like this when he is angry). He also can't go with any friends as a lot of them don't have the money/time/etc. to go.

My DS also has has regular mental health issues before, and I am worried that these may be triggered when on holiday. He always deals with his mental health by himself but I just don't want him to have a breakdown or anything like that.

I am also worried about the financial implications because he goes to university and pays his own way there, but he has been saving to go to Europe for over a year now through his work so I don't want to break this dream of his.

I would really appreciate any advice, and am I being unreasonable for not wanting him to go?

He isn't a teenager! Moreover, he is an adult so can do what he likes & doesn't need his parents' permission or approval.

He is 20, not a teenager.
He is an adult.

Don't think you can really do anything to stop him going if that is what he wants.

You are being unreasonable! It sounds like you and your DH are letting your own fears impact your son's - quite normal - desire to spread his wings and travel! I agree with your DS - as parents you should support him, by teaching him how to safe, helping him on his adventure and yes, if needed, bailing him out if disaster strikes. Would it help ease your fears if he could travel with a friend?

He's 20, he's planned this and saved for this. Yes there might be disaster and it might go wrong. But it might not. Support him, bail him out if necessary and wish him luck. This might be the making of him. (Of course you are worried. He's your son. But our job as parents is to wave our children off on these adventures and not clip their wings.)

Wow I'm not surprised he has MH issues if his dad gets angry because he wants to go travelling and then says he's not to be bothered if his son faces any problems - could he be a less supportive father? How can he be worried about his son but not prepared to help him in any way? I guess really he's just saying he won't help him as a way of controlling him so he feels that he can't go - is he always that controlling? He sounds like a prick to be honest.

I went travelling alone as a shy female at that age, all my problems were caused by men due to my being female to be honest. I still had a lot of good times and learnt a lot. You say he's not street wise but how does he become street wise without experiences like this and university?

Is he in the middle of university? Is he able to defer a year if so? Would waiting till he's finished be a better option? If his father is an unsupportive, controlling arse then why don't you step up and support him? Or are you in the shitty position of being controlled by his father too? This is all wonderful new experiences for him and if i was his mum i'd be saying it will be fantastic - but if any point it's not then no one will be judging you for coming home early. I'd also help with planning and any advice he wanted.

Yab hugely unreasonable. It’s a perfectly normal thing to want to do and completely fine aged 20. Of course it’s possible (although not likely) he’ll have something stolen and then he’ll have to cope just like everyone else who has something stolen.

You sound incredibly anxious and your husband sounds like a bully. Good for your son for wanting to do something independently.

Gosh, where to start with this.

He's 20, he's not a teenager. He's an adult who can do whatever he likes without your permission or approval, but nevertheless, it would be nice for him to know he has your support. He's planning to travel around Europe, he's not backpacking in Afghanistan.
I've traveled solo often, it's one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. This will be an amazing life experience for him, will give him a real confidence boost too. He will have the time of his life!

"He isn't that streetwise and we worry he might face crime or have his passport stolen"
He's probably more streetwise that you realise. Your his parents, you won't know everything about your 20-year-old son's life.
He may well experience crime, just as he might do at home. That's part of life and part of the experience of travel. He will learn how to deal with it if it happens. He can look up in advance what to do if his passport is stolen.

"My DH said he can go as long as he doesn't bother us about his issues when abroad"
Just, wow. And you claim to be worried about him Surely the caring parent thing to say is "be careful, let us know how you are getting on, we are always at the end of the phone".

"He has regular mental health issues, I'm worried these may be triggered when on holiday, he deals with his mental health by himself"
You are worried about this yet your DH has told him not to get in touch while away...
He deals with it himself so he knows what to do. You could encourage him to speak to a GP or counsellor (whichever appropriate) before he goes to discuss his health and develop a coping strategy in case something is triggered.

"I'm worried about financial implications, he pays his own way, he has been saving for over a year now"
You've answered your own concern there. He pays his own way, he's been saving. It's not your problem.

I get you are worried about him but crushing his dreams won't help that. The best thing you can do is tell him that as his parents you will always worry about him. Then support him with what he needs, wish him a great trip, tell him you are looking forward to regular updates. Don't you think he'll have a much better trip knowing you are pleased for him, rather than going off with the "don't come crying to us if it goes wrong" train of thought dragging him down?

After the horrific abuse you Nd your dh out him through as detailed on your other threads you have no right to tell him what he can and can't do

You're worried about him but then his Dad says don't contact him if has troubles etc. What kind of message is that? Angry or not that is awful.

As others have said, he's an adult not a teen-ager.
At some point they've got to stand on thier own two feet.
From age 13/14 mine were travelling long distance on train or coach to see grandparents or family friends.
By 17 one of mine flew to the Alps and spent 3 weeks riding bikes around France and Switzerland. Eldest one was 19.
Youngest son at 17 flew out to meet one of his brothers in Austria - they spent a month sorting all the worries out. Broken bike, broken car, Covid, accident with hospital visit. They've sorted it all out and come back confident and full of life - despite a lot of issues.

Just trust them to make a good call - and wonder why they are more mature and streetwise.

He is an adult, so you should stop infantilising him. I left my country on my own when I was 18, and by 20 I had moved to a third country. This was before Internet and mobile phones. Unless your son is planning to move to Tijuana, Caracas or somewhere equally dangerous, I really can't understand your attitude