Am I being unreasonable? First Time Mum

[MummyandTeacher]

So went over to my mother in laws today - first time since lockdown and she has suggested that I stay over at hers for 2-3 weeks after giving birth.
A bit of background- Asian family and this baby will be the first grandchild on both sides. There’ll be plenty of visitors and she thinks it’ll be easier to keep an eye on me and what I’m eating plus easier to host the guests (her brothers and sisters etc). Rather than having them eat at hers then coming over to mine to see the baby. It’s An Asian custom that you host guests that come from far and I know how it is.

She asked my opinion and I said I’d be comfortable at home- we literally live a street away so if I needed her I’d call and the guests can literally walk over. It’s a 2 min walk. My husband was sat there and she asked him and he said do whatever - I’m fine either way which really angered me.

We talked about guests coming over etc before and I said that I don’t want anyone (except grandparents) coming over for the first 2 weeks atleast. I want to spend time with the baby and get some rest.
I don’t know why she thinks I’d want to stay there. I have never stayed. Her house is a tight squeeze as it is. There is no room for my husband to stay over so he won’t be there in the night or early mornings(the times he could take over for feeds etc).
Plus I’d want to be comfortable wearing what I want and doing what I want not be bombarded with guests or someone telling me what to do etc.
I did mention that with corona I don’t want A herd of guests Coming and want strict measures in place- washing hands etc but she seems to think it’ll be fine by then and I’m overthinking. Apparently her family is clean.
Also my husband is self employed and is planning to take 2 weeks off. If I stay at hers for the first 2-3 weeks, when I return to my home he’ll be back at work so I’ll be on my own.
I’d rather get used to that sooner than later.
I suffer with anxiety and panic attacks- something none of my husband side understand. Apparently I have everything (a job, a house, a good marriage etc) so why would I suffer with panic attacks.
The last thing I’d want is to be there and have an attack.

Before we left, my husband said yeah- we’ll do that. I don’t know what he’s thinking. I’m angry at him too and he knows I’m annoyed- hasn’t clicked on why.
I’m just so angry and upset and thinking about it is making me feel really anxious.

My own mum wouldn’t suggest something like this and I’d be comfortable at hers but she understands that the first few weeks are really important so we can bond as a family.

I’m writing a list of pros and cons (only come at the moment) and will share them with her tomorrow.
I don’t see why I shoudl up and leave to stay in a house I have never stayed in and where I know I won’t be comfortable just so that guests can have it easier. That’s the only reason she has given.
I’ve spent weeks sorting my house out so it’s ready and decorated/spruced up most of it and organised baby’s clothes etc. And all for what- to stay alone in my in-laws house.
I don’t think so.

My husband doesn’t ever speak up and even when we were having the conversation he was playing games on his phone.
He’ll be getting and earful from me tomorrow.

I apologise for the long post- I really needed a place to vent and express my feelings. If anyone can offer advice or an option- maybe I’m overthinking this, then I’d appreciate it.

You haven't said when you are due but from your post I'm guessing soon , you have made your own house ready , redecorated etc and are looking forwards to feeling comfortable in your own space once you are home with your new baby , you have already said this is what is happening , you just need to reinforce it with your husband and MIL
Be clear about what you want and lay the boundaries down very clearly , and whilst remembering it's your MIL first grandchild she must be clear you are the mother and your needs cone first
As far as loads of visitors , we are in a very unpredictable world just now and things may not be as they once were , so family must accept that you need to restrict visits to what you are comfortable with within the current corona guidelines
I know it's difficult but you must be fair to yourself and do what you feel is right for you , not be bullied into what suits others

Oh! The grandparents' plight.... unfortunately OP it's something that will just evolve into different little issues as time goes by

PP is right, you do need to set boundaries. My own mother was difficult. I was living abroad and she was only allowed to arrive a few days after the birth. I really do believe that the birth is all about the mother and the mother's wishes, including the first week of the baby. I was wearing flowy beach dresses with no bra on. Yep, didn't want visitors.... You may feel more comfortable or feel worse.

It's great you MIL lives so close. 2 min walk is perfect! Keep it like that. You can do skin to skin and even try breastfeeding without hiding all the time in a room (currently pregnant and living with the inlaws )

This is insanity.
There are no pros so just forget your list.
You’ll have constipation and leaking tits and the last place on earth you’ll want to be is in a house full of guests. Your husband needs to man up a bit and explain to the MIL that you’ll be staying at your own home. Oh and stock your freezer with nice ready meals, don’t get dragged into mad meal arrangements with extended family. You’ll be so ravenous if you’ve been up all night with a baby you’ll be on the 4am custard creams.

You need to teach your husband how to behave now otherwise this will just get worse. Tell him to tell his mother that you won’t be staying there and you won’t be having any visitors for the first two weeks apart from grandparents while you recover from the birth. In future make sure that he knows that his mother is his responsibility to deal with.

Stick to your guns. Use covid as excuse not to accept her kind offer. You will be glad of babysitter and someone to help you when you need it but it has to be on your terms. Theres absolutely no way you will be happy having someone else control access to your baby, interfering and lack of privacy etc.

In the morning, tell your H in a measured tone that naturally you didn't want to hurt his mum's feelings by bluntly telling her NO WAY right there on the spot, but of course there is no way the two of you (and baby) are going to do what she has suggested.

You don't have to give any reasons. Don't be tempted to give a list of reasons for this. If he tries to persuade you to go along with the plan, just say you are greatly surprised that he can't see the huge number of issues that would arise if you were to stay in his mother's house.

Wait for him to bring up reasons to do it and knock them down one by one. Make him understand that you realise MIL is motivated by kindness, but emphasise that the two of you are adults setting out on the path of parenthood and that you need to do it together, figure things out as a couple. He has to learn to stick up for you but it won't happen overnight.

Do not allow yourself to be dragooned into this. It's an attempt to keep you and your own family apart. Your family would feel like second class grandparents if you were to go to MIL's - would they feel comfortable visiting you in MIL's house? Would you feel comfortable talking to your own mum with MIL hovering nearby?

You are going to need your mother more than you realise once the baby arrives. Don't let anyone get between you and her.

The covid situation is far from over. You may have to go into self isolation for two weeks after you get home from the hospital. The situation may well resolve itself in that way, but you need to be very firm with MIL while still keeping DH on your side.

Thank you everyone
I’ve told my husband we are having a chat when he comes home from work tonight. He’s still clueless about why I’m annoyed.

I just think, if someone is coming to see the baby then don’t expect a 3 course meal. I would understand if they had travelled over 3-4 hours but most of his aunts and uncles live up to an hour away. They’ve had children so the last thing they should expect is a full meal.
I thought about this and got plenty of tea, coffee etc and lots of biscuits and snacks so we can offer them that.
If they are really hungry , they can walk over to MIL and she can cook for them there. Her argument was I’m not used to your kitchen so it’ll be easier for me here.

I did mention that with covid, there is a chance that visits are not allowed for a 4-6 weeks and me and baby will have to shield. She said well if they say that then you can stay at home.
But surely after the shielding time, his relatives will come over and then what?

I didn’t know what to say yesterday as she literally sprung it at me and it was something we hadn’t even thought about or discussed. It hadn’t even crossed my mind.

I’ve had hardly any sleep last night as I keep playing the scenario in my head of what to say and how she’ll take it and what staying there would be like-it’s how my mind deals with things.

When I go over next, I’ll tell her what I want and hopefully she’ll just understand. I’m not trying to break the culture or anything but there are things that I want that are different to the ‘norm’ and I know that won’t happen if I just sit back and let her make the decisions.

Please don't present a list. Make your own decision and stick to it. If you offer pros and cons it puts you in a position of someone else changing your mind, persuading you you are wrong etc.

Just say no, you'll never get this time again. It's a time for you to recover and for you and DH to get to kow your baby.

But surely after the shielding time, his relatives will come over and then what?

Make sure you keep your door locked and simply ignore the bell ringing.

You do not need to write a list! That's pandering. Just say no you don't want to. Done!

Agree 100% with Wecandothis99

No list - writing a list for someone is an admission that they have the power to say no to you and you are obliged to go along with their wishes and forget your own.

Say no. You don't even have to explain why you are saying no. Make them argue their case and then say no again.

This is a power grab on MIL's part. She wants to edge your mother out of this very important time in your life. Don't let her get between you and your own mother.

You would have no control over visitors coming or how long they stayed. By sounds of it your mil is expecting them to stay all day.
You would have no support of your husband during the night. He mught be thinking if you stay there his sleep won't be interrupted. What would happen if you wanted to rest with baby during the day and mil had invited visitors round. She would probably expect baby to stay with her.
My mum expected me to go and stay at hers after I had my first cos she thought I needed help. God knows why cos when she came to mine all she wanted to do was sit and hold the baby and "helpfully" point out what needed doing.
Tell your husband you are staying at home and it's now up to him to tell his mother.

As others have said, I wouldn't contemplate moving in with a family member when you have your own home and your husband couldn't stay over. Having a newborn is tiring, and you both need space and some peace and quiet to spend time together as your new family.

If the guests can spend time at your in-laws, and you can pop over for a few minutes if needed to let them have a peek at the baby, that sounds a sensible option. It is unreasonable of anyone to put the needs of guests over yours, particularly given the current restrictions which make mingling better left until a later date.

Guests can go to MILs. You can pop over with baby for half an hour (outside if you prefer) at a convenient time.
Point out if you stay with her, no other guests will be allowed inside the house. It's not about how 'clean' they are. It's about number of contacts and increased likelihood of disease transmission inside.

This situation won't last forever. The family has years to get to know your child.

Just say "Mil, I really appreciate the offer and I know you are just thinking about how you can support us. I love you dearly and I love that you care, but Im not going to take you up on your offer. When our baby is born, I'm going to stay in our house with DH. It's really important to me that all 3 of us are together at home after the birth. Of course we'd love for you to be involved and there are lots of other ways you can support us if you want. You could.... And ...". Good luck!

If your dh won't support your needs over his dm's wants I would be discharged to your dm's house. Stay there until he recognises your vows are more valid than his customs.