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Original poster

Paying for my unborn child

49 replies

brokenhearteddad · 30/04/2016 13:38

Hello everybody this is my first post on here and I am hoping for a little bit of advice my partner has recently broken up with me and I am absolutely devastated she is now being very difficult about her pregnancy telling me I am no longer invited to any scans the babies birth or have any rights to any decisions regarding babies names welfare or anything I pretty much feel like I am just a walking cheque-book to her now she is not even three months pregnant and has already requested me to pay £50 each week from week 12 I have no problem with regards to paying for my child despite being told I will not be involved in anything apart from visits at her flat I just want to know what advice you people may have for me regarding the financial aspects for my baby like I say I am more than happy to pay for it but am I better just putting money in her bank each week and letting her do what she needs to do or am I best paying for certain things and keeping receipts I am only a taxi driver therefore I am self-employed and do you not have the best finances in the world but I will do whatever it takes for my baby to have what ever it needs I just don't want her to take advantage of me and I feel like she is already starting by throwing constant obstacles in my way I am absolutely devastated with the break up please offer me any advice from a broken hearted father to be

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Original poster
brokenhearteddad · 30/04/2016 17:04

Thanks for all the advice by the way peeps

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Original poster
brokenhearteddad · 30/04/2016 17:07

This is my first and probably last child I will have them I feel like I've been robbed of everything with the situation the way it is at the moment I don't think I will ever feel like a real dad I believe I will feel more like a babysitter and the bank as opposed to a dad

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starry0ne · 30/04/2016 17:34

A few things....
No you don't have a right to attend scans...
You don't need to pay maintenance when she is 12 weeks pregnant... You don't have to pay anything until the baby is born..However I think it is reasonable you pay towards what she needs for the baby..

As for seeing child you do have rights.It may mean you have to take her to court..She may mean initially it will be at her flat which would be right..

I would be open to what she said..Tell her you would like to support her through the pregnancy but realise this is her choice.

I think there is more underneath the surface of this whether it is to do with her wanting someone else ( or been with someone else) her disagreeing on your series of events, or something else...

expatinscotland · 30/04/2016 17:38

I wouldn't pay her a bean. I'd advise you to get a DNA test, too. It might not be yours.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 30/04/2016 17:44

yeah the DNA test will probably help you later, but from reading it my guess is that you are the father.. but that was the idea from the start - find a sperm doner without the stigma of official sperm donation.. then go and do her own thing..

not fair on you or the child

but that's just my speculation. The courts are much more 50/50 these days but keep up a precident of trying to stay in contact. Not trying to attending scans but offering each time if she wants and asking afterwards how it went. Keep a record of everything. EVERYTHING. times and dates of every conversation

Timeforabiscuit · 30/04/2016 17:55

I'd start putting by the £50 per week, but make it clear that you won't be buying anything until week 35 and no regular money until DNA test and name on birth certificate.

It's hard, but take the emotion out of it and record EVERYTHING.

Original poster
brokenhearteddad · 30/04/2016 17:55

Im keeping all messages as of now
She's has just messaged me stating she has no faith in me paying for my child
Im not gonna get into an argument with her because if she gets stressed and something happens to the baby it'll be my fault trust me
Ive just replied "as always I'll prove you wrong" and im leaving it at that now
😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢

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Goingtobeawesome · 30/04/2016 17:59

She wants you to immediately give her money to restore her -"faith."

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 30/04/2016 18:03

"as always I'll prove you wrong"

I know it's hard, but what you need to do now is re-read every message through the point of view of the courts reviewing them later. how do you want to be seen during an acess case. Remember than individual texts can be screen shotted and used against you out of context so always be clear and calm in each individual one.

A better reply would have been "I am commited to providing for my child, I am already saving for when the time comes"

Its sad but you need to start thinking this way.

Original poster
brokenhearteddad · 30/04/2016 18:06

She knows exactly what I mean
And she knows I will provide for my child she's just digging the knife in deeper
Told her im always here if she wants or needs me for anything not gonna argue
With her not going to reply anymore to her

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Original poster
brokenhearteddad · 30/04/2016 18:08

No she isn't demanding money from week 12 she ha asked me if I'll start paying from then I just want any trouble and obviously I want to provide for child and do my best
If we were together I'd be doing it anyway
She just knows she got me by short and curlies

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ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 30/04/2016 18:09

She knows exactly what I mean

Doesn't matter. What matters is what she says you meant if you go to court for access in the future.

How would a case worker read it? think that way.

And don't stop replying just reply with less emotion or she'll be able to say you were uncontactable during the pregnancy

Sorry, it's harsh, but go and lurk on some of the court threads to see how it works, and you'll see that you really have to think of your communications now in terms of how it will be presented to a 3rd party Sad

wannabestressfree · 30/04/2016 18:15

You need to be more clinical and cold Even if it does hurt and take screenshots advice. Take your ex at her word and only answer factually. What she is doing is cruel and it sounds like she sees you as a cash cow. You can put things by in shops so she can still chose things and I wouldn't hand over a penny....

expatinscotland · 30/04/2016 18:17

'She's has just messaged me stating she has no faith in me paying for my child'

What a bitch.

You are a total mug if you pay her FA before she gives birth. I'd stop speaking to her at all and get a DNA test after the birth.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 30/04/2016 18:19

the upside to all this gloom and doom is that if you do remain the businesslike reasonable one throughout then that will eventually show through and work in your favour

Hard work when you're hurting though x

Original poster
brokenhearteddad · 30/04/2016 18:22

Yes very hard work but I take the point on board and will be professional and cold like to be factual from now on thanks
The messages are flooding in as I speak

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ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 30/04/2016 18:25

if she's bombarding you, perhaps set up a template reply and just keep sending the same thing over and over, such as "as before, I am commited to providing for my child when it arrives, and if you change your mind about wanting me support at your appointments I wil be there"

over and over, just send the same thing. what else needs to be said at this point?

don't let her push you to the point of lashing back at her by text - it'll come back and bite you in the bum later, rant on here or to a friend instead

x

Original poster
brokenhearteddad · 30/04/2016 18:31

Im not biting back to her
She knows where I am if she changes her mind and wants me there ive said it til im blue in the face

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SofiaAmes · 30/04/2016 18:37

You owe it to your child to take proper legal advice and be a real part of your child's life (that means getting it put on paper legally). Ideally you would work things out without lawyers and courts, but clearly that's not going to happen here and It's not fair to your child for you to not do things properly. It may be painful getting there, but in the end there will be less strife and stress and that will always be better for your child.

wannabestressfree · 30/04/2016 18:37

Can I ask what exactly she is messaging you?

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 30/04/2016 18:38

She knows where I am if she changes her mind and wants me there ive said it til im blue in the face

sorry to be like a broken record

but it doesn't matter what she knows

what matters is that you can show, with evidence & times and dates, to a 3rd party, that you consistantly offered throughout the pregnancy.

Original poster
brokenhearteddad · 30/04/2016 18:41

Point taken

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ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 30/04/2016 18:44

(not that she doesn't matter, she does obv, and ideally you could both build an amicable relationship in the future and fingers crossed she'll start treating you better, but at the same time you need to plan for that not happening too, and as such it's what a 3rd party will see that matters)

TheUnsullied · 30/04/2016 18:46

Yes, what is she messaging you?

You absolutely must stay business like. This may end up in court and you need to be beyond reproach.

About the money...if you can afford £50 a week, set it aside in a separate bank account. Do not give it to her. Let her know you're happy to help with the costs of things the baby will be needing within reason but that regular cash payments will start only once the child is born. The rest of the money needs to sit in that account as a court fund though.

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