Relationship woes since having baby

[ebbieg]

Ok, so I realise this is a common one, but anything that you found yourselves helped or any books you have may read which were good would be appreciated!

Basically, since having our child 20 months ago, our relationship has gradually deteriorated. We don't argue much, but I've found the weekends when he is around are harder, like I have another person making a mess or who doesn't understand the routine our child has and questions why nap/feed times have to be when they are, and seems annoyed by them. Is more pressure. We don't share a bedroom as he snores, and we don't see much if each other in the week, just an hour or so in the evenings.

I have tried all the usual- date nights aren't enjoyable and any attempt to discuss how I feel with him (no matter how gently) are met with defensiveness and resentment.

Has anyone found any techniques that have helped get their relationship back on track?

Ebbieg try posting in relationships you will get some great advice there

There's a Steve Biddulph book called The Making of Love - how to stay in love while raising your children. I have it somewhere. It's pretty basic imo and it's also out of print, it seems, but if you PM me your address I can post it to you, as I don't need it any more. We're past that very difficult phase (which was why i bought it) and happy on the other side of it.

Best advice I remember in that book was - when whoever is working comes home, stop what you are doing, distract DC with a video or whatever, sit down with a cup of tea or glass of wine and just have a five or ten minute catch up with each other, without mentioning the kids.

For us, the turning point was starting to actively have fun as a family. We took the DC out every weekend somewhere fun as a family - steam fairs and interactive museums, petting farms and pizza parlours. That built up a solid set of happy memories of us all together.

We'd chat about those good days we had as a family, rather than be all resentful and knackered, and bit by bit we rediscovered our appreciation of each other. It made DH a better dad. I enjoyed seeing his 6'5" frame wedged into a tiny fairground roundabout just so DS could ride it. It made me love him again.

As to date nights - going out to restaurants where you sit shattered and glazed eyed with nothing to talk about except which nappies seem most absorbent - that's like trying to prove your marriage is on the rocks. Have date nights at comedy gigs and improv shows in local pubs or go and see funny films or shows or local bands. Do something that makes you laugh together. Don't put pressure on yourselves to entertain each other. Get someone else to entertain you both, so you have a shared experience of something pleasurable.

For me, it was a question of re-creating him at his most attractive if you see what I mean – his most attractive quality (to me) was his ease with other people, being in a social setting with others, having fun / jokes with other people. We made an effort to invite people for dinner, booked a babysitter occasionally but ensured we were out with friends so that there was less pressure on us as a couple and I saw him at his best (and therefore 'fancied' him more). I agree its about sharing time together without it necessarily be sitting face to face in a restaurant with not much to say – have fun as a couple and as a family.

I think the previous advice is good too – that you need to concentrate on one another for a few minutes (took me a long time to realise that) – whether that be when he comes in from work (wouldn't work in our house – its usually chaos then!) but making a point of going to see him when he goes into his room, or him coming into yours for a wind-down before bed. We often slept in different rooms too just so one of us could get some sleep. I often used to ask my H to just sit with me in the bathroom whilst I had a bath.

I think.one caveat though, this will only work if he is also making an effort both in the rs and the family. one person cannot make a working relationship on their own. and it takes two parents to make a two parent family.

Is he pulling his weight?