Horrified. My DS mentioned a girl in his class’s skin colour.

[leggyloop]

just dropped DS age 7 in year 2 to school, a girl’s mum in his class pulled me to the side. DS did mention to me yesterday that he had fallen out with this girl and that in his words “she was being annoying to me and rude to me” so I had assumed a bit of butting heads but he didn’t want to talk about it anymore and then carried on being his usual energetic self.

So the girl’s mum stopped me and said she knows her daughter is no angel because she gives it out to her big brother and can be unpleasant at times, but she said my son was bullying her and he mentioned her skin colour.

I assured the girl’s mum that it is not acceptable and I will have a strong word with him as well as insisting he apologises to the girl.

Never had any situation lime with before and feeling upset for the girl and her mum!

What do I do?

It’s not acceptable you know that and you’re going to take steps to educate your child, you’ve done all you can now, so stop worrying and be kind to yourself.

It’s not acceptable but it’s a lesson that’s best learnt at 7 than trying to teach it at 17.

7 yr olds are known for making mistakes. Seems like you’re handling it well.

I would be more worried about where he got it from.

What does "mentioned" actually mean? Context is everything.

Depends on context and what he actually said

Don't be so quick to judge your son. They've not actually explained what he said. Skin colour isn't some horrifying unmentionable thing! Anymore than hair or eye colour.
A lot of hysteria around this topic and it's not healthy for young children at all. No doubt your son will have the absolute fear of God put into him, poor lad.

I think yous handled it well so far.

However... I would listen to his side of it too, as there are often many different versions of incidents at that age. I once apologised profusely to a girl's mum at school only to find out from the teacher (who had witnessed the incident) that my child wasn't to blame at all.

Obviously whatever happened, it's a good opportunity to talk to your ds about racism anyway. But I would try to keep an open mind until you've spoke to him and/or the teacher if they are aware.

This- ^
I also think you need to know what he said exactly - it would help you to address this properly.

I am brown. Children often comment on skin and hair colour. This is not in itself racist. Try to find out what he said and have a calm word with him. No need to jump to conclusions.

So he used her skin colour as the basis of an insult?

Kids notice and ‘mention’ skin colour, hair colour , everything. Why should they not?

But they need to know never ever to make insults about any characteristics, whether race based, ginger, body-weight etc etc

And 7 is old enough to understand this within the context of a simple explanation of racism.

What did he actually say? If he said I don't like you because you are brown then you need to speak to him about not judging people based on what they look like.
If he was describing her eg and said she is taller than me, is wearing black shoes, is slim , has brown skin and black hair with a red hair toggle then you don't need to worry.

I’m hoping the teacher can tell me on pick up what happened. Thanks everyone for thoughts, I will try and get to the bottom of this.

I wouldn’t be horrified at mentioning the colour of someone’s skin. It depends what he said.
I would imagine the fact that she has gone home and told her mum means that it wasn’t said kindly but use it to teach him about racism rather than coming down hard on him.
If it’s bad then have a think about where he’s got it from.

Don't jump to conclusions. If he did use her skin colour in a negative way that is wrong and you need to discuss this with him , but what did she say to him? Did she say hurtful things to him? Context is everything. Plus the mum should not be coming to you directly with this she only has one side of the story.

I agree.

Did you not ask specifics on what he said? A 7 year old mentioning skin colour could be completely innocent and just need a chat about understanding how things can be taken. Or it could be an outwardly racist remark that needs a firm telling off.

I think as others have said you need to know what was said before anything else. You don't want to send the message that skin colour is some shameful thing, never to be mentioned. Negative comments on skin colour are obviously not OK, but children are allowed to notice other people look different to them.

@SiegfriedSassoonAbsolutely spot on.

I recall my daughter when she was at Kindergarten referred to the staff as 'the tall lady, 'the curly lady', 'the brown lady' etc. When we were out shopping my daughter pointed out 'the brown lady' I discovered that she was 'the brown lady' because she always wore a brown tabard.

I would try and understand what was said. My daughter is 4 and her best friend is Asian, the other day she said “oh look mummy, this dolly has the same skin colour as xx, and the same beautiful hair”!
differences aren’t unmentionable, but context is everything. I’d also raise this with the teachers so they can keep an eye on them both.

It's really hard being a child and knowing what you can and cant say. I was absolutely raked over the coals as a 6 year old when a boy in my class who had been picking on me for months said 'you're so white you should be dead you look like a ghost' and i replied 'well you are so black it looks like you've been rolling in mud all day'.
So it could be a 50/50 issue or he could be being racist. Wait until you know which side of the fence it lands before you go all guns blazing.

Mentioning the colour of her skin probably didn't mean any more to a 7 year-old than mentioning the colour of her hair or if she wore glasses. That doesn't mean it is okay, but it was highly unlikely to be deliberate racism.

Children are very quick to learn their colours and apply that knowledge everywhere - including eye colour (which is politically acceptable), hair colour (ditto) and skin colour (where in current society they need to learn to suppress their knowledge in their speech).

Mentioning skin colour in the context of an argument is never ok and your son likely does not know that so this is an opportunity to teach him that.

My children are brown and I’ve had to teach them this after a similar experience where they pointed out a feature of child’s race when they were annoyed with them. Conversely, they also been on the receiving end of children pointing out their skin colour in the context of a dispute and we’ve had to raise it with the school.

It is something all children need to learn regardless of their race.

I would speak to your son first, adults are quick to jump to conclusions. My friend got a call that her DD called a black child dirty and did not want to hold her hand. What actually happened was that she did not want to hold child’s hand because hand was sticky and dirty - nothing to do with colour of child’s skin. Everyone just jumped to conclusions.
My DS was called a monkey by a black child - when he called that child a monkey back he was given a consequence- other child did not get one. DS was completely unaware of any connotations. Younger DS was told by Indian child that he must not play with them (and DS’s two best friends who are also Indian) because he is pale skinned. When he told teacher, teacher understood that DS did not want to play with Indian children because of his pale skin… when we looked into this with Indian child’s parents it turned out that child had misunderstood something during black history month…
of course, if he did say something racist then you will need to address it - mainly - where does he get the idea from????