Is it always going to feel like DH vs DS?

[LittlePetitePsychopath]

I love them both a lot, obviously. DH is a good man, and a good father. But he wants to move to Spain. He has big regrets about not doing it before - initially because of his mum finding the idea heartbreaking, and then just because work didn't line up.

It vaguely does now. We have visas, we can go. We've done recce visits, and stayed for a few months a year for the last few years... But DS always wants to come home. He has friends here. He missed them, and then preschool.

We weren't financially in a position to go before this summer, and then work commitments stopped me. DS started school. We weren't sure how he'd feel about it, but he loves it. He's made lots of friends, he loves walking to school, he's even chosen to go to half-term club one day. He's learned so much. He does not want to leave. It's been a pain in the arse for my career - it usually requires some fun travel that we've always done together, and school can't authorise that these days - but I'm really proud and happy for him.

DH says that he doesn't like our town; he feels you have to drive everywhere, prices are going up, quality of life is going down, he misses the sun. He has SAD and a medical condition that are both better in the sun, and he generally feels a bit energised in it. It also gives him distance from his parents, who he seems incapable of maintaining boundaries with, and who have no idea of social norms. He has been honest that the distance is a selling point to him; alongside that he would feel like he'd achieved something in life.

DD doesn't really care, she's one, so she'd probably go with the flow.

But 4-year-old DS hates the idea of leaving his friends and his school and his community, and I really struggle with how I'll ever keep everyone happy...

He is 4…he won’t remember these kids in another 4 years.

If you and husband want to move then move, if you don’t then don’t. But don’t use the 4 year old as the reason.

Now he's in school, I'd not move him from friends, and his grandparents.

When I read your post I thought you were referring to a teenager. You said he always wanted to come home, missed his friends etc and then started preschool. How old was he when he was making all these pronouncements about wanting to come home?

I think, while your children are still so young that you and your husband have to do what is best for you all as a family. If you don’t want to go you cannot use your 4 year as an excuse.

I wouldn’t be basing my decision on the thoughts of a 4 year old. At that age they will struggle some mornings to decide what they want for breakfast let alone make a major decision about where they will live. Children are very adaptable and will respond to changes. You and DH are the adults you make the decisions about what is best for the whole family not the whims / wants of a 4 year old.

A 4 year old doesn't get a vote! Make a decision based on what is best for your dh, you and your family as a whole. But not because a 4 year old likes his friend next door or his first school.

Of course your son always wanted to go home. he was on a trip. Home was home. If home is Spain then that will become home for him.

If you don’t want to go you cannot use your 4 year as an excuse.

I agree with this. Are you sure it isn't you have the problem OP?

DS is definitely going to struggle if he’s given that much responsibility at 4!
Poor chap, giving a 4 y o a say on where the family lives and by implication how they earn is a huge responsibility for a child. Personally I wouldn’t think it fair to place that on his shoulders

If your DH would benefit medically, both physically and mentally from being in a warmer climate then that is a no brainer to me.

And I agree with all the other pp that a 4 year old does not get a voice in family decisions. We'd have moved to Pontypandy if we'd let our DS choose...(that, or Lazytown).

I wonder if you are trying to kind of blame DS when actually it’s you who doesn’t want to move? You are allowed a voice in this. It’s not all about what they want, although of course if it helps your DH with a medical condition that does make it harder to say no.

if it’s any help, i recently moved a similar aged kid to portugal and it’s been wonderful for them. the weather, the international community here, the pace of life, the cost of living. I imagine it would be similar for you in Spain.

Four is way too young! Kids that age don't know what they want for tea.
It sounds like a great move.

I thought you were going to say he was 14! He’s 4 for gods sake. If it’s what you believe is the best thing for your family then you move to Spain.
I really don’t understand how you let it get to this point. 4 year olds change friendships every month. He’ll have forgotten nearly all of it within 18 months.
You cannot let him make this decision. He will be fine once he’s settled, learned some Spanish and got some new friends. Give him 3 months.

My (nearly) 4 year old wants to live in a princess castle. His brother, at 4, was desperate to move to a caravan. I'm all for giving kids choices but it needs to be age appropriate... where they live isn't something a 4 year old should be deciding. As adults, you decide what's in all of your best interests and then help them deal with the change.

Formal schooling doesn't start until 6 in Spain. DS can do preschool, learn Spanish and then fit right in if you go now. It is literally the best time to go. 4 year olds shouldn't be given any say in these sorts of decisions. It isn't fair. He should be choosing which socks to put on, not anything with long term consequences.

If you don't want to go, that is a different matter. If you present it as a great idea, he'll be all for it by the time it happens. Young children are very 'in the moment'. I wouldn't debate the pros and cons in front of him. I take it you and DH speak Spanish.

If you both can work and have jobs lined up then I think I would give it a try. Could you rent your house so you have something to fall back on if it doesn’t work out? It has to be a decision between you and husband.

he'll find new cute walks to school

Who says? It's not a given that he'll be able to walk there.

Picking up my sister's kids in Spain everyone was driving a car.

He’s 4. In the nicest possible way he hasn’t a clue and shouldn’t be asked. If you and DH want to go then you take your kids and go

Imagine a life where a 4 year old makes the decisions??

You are me 15 years ago! (not Spain though)

The kids have absolutely thrived, they are multilingual, have had wonderful experiences and it has been, after a tough start they don’t remember- a very positive life.

Their Dad however is a different story- that restless grass is greener thinking is inside him. Yes he was happy for a while, but never learned the language, got pissy about stuff and generally was a whiner. Then he had a mid-life crisis!!
we are divorced.

I’d go. At such a young age he really will settle quickly. He’ll have the benefit then of being bilingual which is an amazing gift to give a child. And it sounds like your DH needs to try this. Which I get. Life is hard in the UK right now.

God almighty, he's 4, you're writing like he's 14 or something.

If your little boy loves school and friends here, he will love school and friends in Spain

Mine wanted to go to Balamory 🤣

4?! He gets no say. Do what’s right for you and your husband. He’ll barely remember England in 6 months!

Given the limited info, this reads as you not wanting to go.

A 4 year old!! I thought he'd be a teenager refusing.

At 4, you tell them it's a big adventure, list all the positives, big it up...
He' ll make friends quickly. He'll also learn a new language, which is ace.

Your 4 yo won’t even remember his current life in a year or two if you moved. It’s ridiculous you are letting a 4 year old decide where is best for your family to live.