Page 13 | My sister has been hurting her son

Kickpot · 2026-10-20T07:56:13+00:00

I wasn't sure where to post this, and I'm not even sure I'm expecting responses, but I needed to write this down somewhere. I recently found out that my sister and her partner have been neglecting and physically and verbally abusing my nephew (her son). He is 5 years old and this has probably been going on since she met her partner when my nephew was around 2 years old. My nephew is autistic and has only recently started speaking in a way that others can understand, previously he would repeat certain quotes over and over. I believe this is one of the reasons they were able to hide what they were doing as they would brush behaviours off as "autism" and he couldn't tell us any differently. I live abroad and only visit my family once a year. I video call often and my sister would send photos and videos most days. I thought they had a normal life. If anything, I was proud of her as it seemed her parenting journey was much harder than my own and yet she was so happy. The guilt I have that I was too far away to notice that things weren't right, and that I'm still too far away to really help is all consuming. This all only came to light as his teacher became suspicious. Then my mum found bruises. It has spiralled from there. The thought that he has spent his short life feeling afraid and unable to ask for help is destroying me. The thought that my sister has inflicted such harm on a child, and watched as the man she chose did too, makes me sick. They recorded a lot of it. My sister shared the videos on the family WhatsApp as she believed they would absolve her. The images and the sounds never leave me, day or night. I don't know who she is anymore. I don't know how my nephew will ever trust an adult again. My nephew will stay with my parents now, hopefully permanently. I offered to have him live with me but that would upend his whole life. He loves his school and he has all of his therapies already set up in their town. My sister wants him back though, as does her partner. That surely won't be allowed? I don't know if anyone will read this. I'm just devastated.

Original poster

Kickpot · 23/10/2026 10:42

Ted27 · 23/10/2026 08:52

@Kickpot
Neither arran or myself have offered excuses for child abuse
Both of us have spent years raising neglected and traumatised children and young people.
When your nephew asks questions in the future you will need more than just mummy was a bad person.
This weekend I had to tell my 22 year old that his birth mum had been found dead, do you think mum was a bad person who deserved to die alone from an overdose and not be found for 3 days would have been a good explanation for him?
I quite clearly said your sister has failed to protect her child- how is that excusing child abuse ?
I have suggested you get legal advice and given you a reputable website for families in your position, I get that you are hurting right now, but if you cannot see good advice, then there is nothing I can do.

Edited

We are way down this road. I have explained much of this. I came here to try to process my own thoughts and feelings on this.

Please go away.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kickpot · 23/10/2026 11:51

MaryMaggot · 23/10/2026 00:49

There’s little to no point in trying to understand where this behaviour comes from, tempting though as it might be. A person would drive themself insane. What we know and what OP knows is that the behaviour of the little ones trusted parents was terrible.

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I think it's for my sister to investigate anything underlying. She has a lot of support so I'm sure they will point her in the right direction.

OP posts:

Thisismetooaswell · 23/10/2026 11:56

I am so very sorry about this - poor little boy. I was going to say what someone else has already mentioned, about keeping notes. I have a book (my child is disabled with numerous things wrong so multiple appointments with a wide variety of professionals) and I keep a note of every appointment, date, time, what was said etc. I find it really helps to 1) keep a track of everything that is going on and 2) have it all in one place so I don't have to hunt around. I can also keep the book away from my child if necessary. Just a thought. Good luck to you all

Original poster

Kickpot · 23/10/2026 16:48

Thisismetooaswell · 23/10/2026 11:56

I am so very sorry about this - poor little boy. I was going to say what someone else has already mentioned, about keeping notes. I have a book (my child is disabled with numerous things wrong so multiple appointments with a wide variety of professionals) and I keep a note of every appointment, date, time, what was said etc. I find it really helps to 1) keep a track of everything that is going on and 2) have it all in one place so I don't have to hunt around. I can also keep the book away from my child if necessary. Just a thought. Good luck to you all

Thank you. Yes my parents have a book too. There are so many appointments and discussions, it would be impossible to keep it all in their heads!

OP posts:

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 23/10/2026 19:48

Op you and your parents are amazing.
I have no advice but your dedication is really lovely to see. 💐
signed, one of three who ended up in care

Original poster

Kickpot · 23/10/2026 19:52

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 23/10/2026 19:48

Op you and your parents are amazing.
I have no advice but your dedication is really lovely to see. 💐
signed, one of three who ended up in care

That's very kind to say. I'm so sad to hear so many stories of people who went through similar experiences as children. I hope you're having a happy and love-filled life now.

OP posts:

OldForANewMum · 25/10/2026 00:03

Adoptive parent responding again after a gap since my first response, since when I have now caught up. For the record, I do not know the other adoptive parents who have responded, either IRL or on here. But I am posting in their defence and to strongly suggest to you that you keep your mind open to what they have said, and to what I am going to say.

I'm going to use an analogy. Most of us as women will recognise that whilst it's 'not all men' it is actually not a tiny minority of men who abuse women, it's a much larger number who are fundamentally misogynist and will - to some degree - hurt or abuse women. It doesn't help to think of men who hurt women as occasional monsters when they are not (all), because if you fail to understand the true nature of the problem you will never solve it. So it is here. We have the situation where your sister had an apparently normal upbringing in an apparently normal family environment yet X years later, this is what she has done. It's awful. It may be/probably is criminal. But that doesn't mean it's irrelevant to seek to understand it, and understanding is very much NOT the same as condoning.

Your nephew has the parents he has, including your sister. At the older age of 5 (and sadly it is old in this situation) his nervous system is already hard wired with the trauma baked in. It will affect him lifelong. But despite all of this... on some levels he will feel love and/or affinity for your sister. It is important to recognise this. I appreciate his autism complicates matters further but it remains highly likely that as he gets older he will struggle with multiple conflicting layers of feelings of shame, worthlessness... and grief and loss for his mother (possibly even her boyfriend). Being honest (age appropriately) with him is one thing but you and your parents will create further harm if you are not able to handle any nuance that may exist here, not just in reality but in his world.

You might wish to read "The Body Keeps the Score" to understand some of what I mean - this will be a generally useful read in this situation too.

Please do believe me when I say all of the following are true at once:

your nephew has been terribly wronged and there is no excuse for what has been done to him
If there was genuinely a way for his mother to reform, parent him properly and normally through to adulthood, evidence suggests this would give him better life chances than being taken into care. It seems highly, highly unlikely to happen in this case, so realistically the best option is where he is right now, but it's this knowledge which underpins much of what you've heard others say about support given to birth families. If birth families can be appropriately kept together, 'everyone wins' (relatively speaking)
In the past, too many children were removed without good enough reason. Removal is itself a cause of further trauma, as (sadly) is adoption even where it is the least-bad option

From what you have said about the social worker involved, I think your parents would be best served by seeking specialist legal advice from lawyers experienced in the child protection field who have helped other kinship carers in potential SGO cases. Because of what I have said above, it is clear that in some situations a bias 'towards' birth parents can develop. Fundamentally your parents do not have parental responsibility and neither do you and this puts you (and nephew) in a vulnerable position. I think it best you seek legal advice as ensuring the LA are held to account may rely on it. They should also be able to advise on what help your parents should be getting/ pushing for so if you (as you have suggested) are able to contribute financially, this would be a good way to do so.

Again, I wish you all the very best.

Original poster

Kickpot · 25/10/2026 05:04

OldForANewMum · 25/10/2026 00:03

Adoptive parent responding again after a gap since my first response, since when I have now caught up. For the record, I do not know the other adoptive parents who have responded, either IRL or on here. But I am posting in their defence and to strongly suggest to you that you keep your mind open to what they have said, and to what I am going to say.

I'm going to use an analogy. Most of us as women will recognise that whilst it's 'not all men' it is actually not a tiny minority of men who abuse women, it's a much larger number who are fundamentally misogynist and will - to some degree - hurt or abuse women. It doesn't help to think of men who hurt women as occasional monsters when they are not (all), because if you fail to understand the true nature of the problem you will never solve it. So it is here. We have the situation where your sister had an apparently normal upbringing in an apparently normal family environment yet X years later, this is what she has done. It's awful. It may be/probably is criminal. But that doesn't mean it's irrelevant to seek to understand it, and understanding is very much NOT the same as condoning.

Your nephew has the parents he has, including your sister. At the older age of 5 (and sadly it is old in this situation) his nervous system is already hard wired with the trauma baked in. It will affect him lifelong. But despite all of this... on some levels he will feel love and/or affinity for your sister. It is important to recognise this. I appreciate his autism complicates matters further but it remains highly likely that as he gets older he will struggle with multiple conflicting layers of feelings of shame, worthlessness... and grief and loss for his mother (possibly even her boyfriend). Being honest (age appropriately) with him is one thing but you and your parents will create further harm if you are not able to handle any nuance that may exist here, not just in reality but in his world.

You might wish to read "The Body Keeps the Score" to understand some of what I mean - this will be a generally useful read in this situation too.

Please do believe me when I say all of the following are true at once:

your nephew has been terribly wronged and there is no excuse for what has been done to him
If there was genuinely a way for his mother to reform, parent him properly and normally through to adulthood, evidence suggests this would give him better life chances than being taken into care. It seems highly, highly unlikely to happen in this case, so realistically the best option is where he is right now, but it's this knowledge which underpins much of what you've heard others say about support given to birth families. If birth families can be appropriately kept together, 'everyone wins' (relatively speaking)
In the past, too many children were removed without good enough reason. Removal is itself a cause of further trauma, as (sadly) is adoption even where it is the least-bad option

From what you have said about the social worker involved, I think your parents would be best served by seeking specialist legal advice from lawyers experienced in the child protection field who have helped other kinship carers in potential SGO cases. Because of what I have said above, it is clear that in some situations a bias 'towards' birth parents can develop. Fundamentally your parents do not have parental responsibility and neither do you and this puts you (and nephew) in a vulnerable position. I think it best you seek legal advice as ensuring the LA are held to account may rely on it. They should also be able to advise on what help your parents should be getting/ pushing for so if you (as you have suggested) are able to contribute financially, this would be a good way to do so.

Again, I wish you all the very best.

"We have the situation where your sister had an apparently normal upbringing in an apparently normal family environment"

Disgusting.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kickpot · 25/10/2026 05:07

OldForANewMum · 25/10/2026 00:03

Adoptive parent responding again after a gap since my first response, since when I have now caught up. For the record, I do not know the other adoptive parents who have responded, either IRL or on here. But I am posting in their defence and to strongly suggest to you that you keep your mind open to what they have said, and to what I am going to say.

I'm going to use an analogy. Most of us as women will recognise that whilst it's 'not all men' it is actually not a tiny minority of men who abuse women, it's a much larger number who are fundamentally misogynist and will - to some degree - hurt or abuse women. It doesn't help to think of men who hurt women as occasional monsters when they are not (all), because if you fail to understand the true nature of the problem you will never solve it. So it is here. We have the situation where your sister had an apparently normal upbringing in an apparently normal family environment yet X years later, this is what she has done. It's awful. It may be/probably is criminal. But that doesn't mean it's irrelevant to seek to understand it, and understanding is very much NOT the same as condoning.

Your nephew has the parents he has, including your sister. At the older age of 5 (and sadly it is old in this situation) his nervous system is already hard wired with the trauma baked in. It will affect him lifelong. But despite all of this... on some levels he will feel love and/or affinity for your sister. It is important to recognise this. I appreciate his autism complicates matters further but it remains highly likely that as he gets older he will struggle with multiple conflicting layers of feelings of shame, worthlessness... and grief and loss for his mother (possibly even her boyfriend). Being honest (age appropriately) with him is one thing but you and your parents will create further harm if you are not able to handle any nuance that may exist here, not just in reality but in his world.

You might wish to read "The Body Keeps the Score" to understand some of what I mean - this will be a generally useful read in this situation too.

Please do believe me when I say all of the following are true at once:

your nephew has been terribly wronged and there is no excuse for what has been done to him
If there was genuinely a way for his mother to reform, parent him properly and normally through to adulthood, evidence suggests this would give him better life chances than being taken into care. It seems highly, highly unlikely to happen in this case, so realistically the best option is where he is right now, but it's this knowledge which underpins much of what you've heard others say about support given to birth families. If birth families can be appropriately kept together, 'everyone wins' (relatively speaking)
In the past, too many children were removed without good enough reason. Removal is itself a cause of further trauma, as (sadly) is adoption even where it is the least-bad option

From what you have said about the social worker involved, I think your parents would be best served by seeking specialist legal advice from lawyers experienced in the child protection field who have helped other kinship carers in potential SGO cases. Because of what I have said above, it is clear that in some situations a bias 'towards' birth parents can develop. Fundamentally your parents do not have parental responsibility and neither do you and this puts you (and nephew) in a vulnerable position. I think it best you seek legal advice as ensuring the LA are held to account may rely on it. They should also be able to advise on what help your parents should be getting/ pushing for so if you (as you have suggested) are able to contribute financially, this would be a good way to do so.

Again, I wish you all the very best.

I'll ask one more time for the group of "adoptive parents" with the narrative of "I'm not excusing abuse BUT..." to go elsewhere.

OP posts:

iwant2cats · 25/10/2026 05:28

Kickpot · 25/10/2026 05:04

"We have the situation where your sister had an apparently normal upbringing in an apparently normal family environment"

Disgusting.

Show quote history

I’m honestly not sure what you’ve been upset with in that sentence @Kickpot I am sorry

Original poster

Kickpot · 25/10/2026 05:31

And to those same individuals (see my message above for who), please refrain from private messaging me any further. I have not responded, and I will not respond.

I started this thread as I wanted somewhere to say out loud that I am struggling with this situation. The loss of my only sister who, even if she can turn things around and I hope she can, I will never be close to again. The sadness for my nephew who has so much fear and so much to process. The worry for my parents who now have to step back into parenting a small child while feeling the same loss of who my sister used to be. The guilt that through all of this I am so far away. The stress of working out how to provide long term support without negatively impacting my own children and husband.

I am truly grateful to those of you who have said kind words and have genuinely wished positivity to my family. That is everything I needed from this and I thank you for realising that.

In terms of practical things, I have blurred the timelines as my sister is on forums like this one and if ever she feels I am questioning her, that causes her to be abusive to my parents. But we are already in touch with legal advisers, my nephew has access to therapy and support for his additional needs. I was disappointed to see that social services are not what I had previously thought, yes, but we engage with them as needed. I haven't asked about the practical side as I use other forums for that. Selfish as it may sound, this thread was purely for me to vent.

My sister has no end of support at the moment and, if she is willing, I'm sure it's not impossible for her to demonstrate she can be a fit parent. My parents have told her that if she leaves her partner then they will also support her however she needs. I trust their judgement and will support them.

OP posts:

Wishing14 · 25/10/2026 06:05

This was a hard read… I will keep your nephew and your parents in my prayers. Truly. You also talk repeatedly about how much help she’s getting despite what she’s done, which is blood curling cruel and demonic. We need to be careful with the idea that this sort of thing is complex and we need to be understanding - I am sure the ‘kind’ attitudes of some do great harm (many horror SS stories can attest to that) and they aren’t what you need to hear. Anger in many situations is totally justifiable. This is one of them. I would certainly wash my hands of her completely in your situation.

Ted27 · 25/10/2026 06:11

@Kickpot

For the record I have not sent any private messages.
In the light of your last post, and some other responses I have seen I fail to see what you find so objectionable in those fron me, @Arran2024 and @iwant2cats
We have all been clear that your sister must take the consequences of her actions, I'm not sure how that could be interpreted as excusing her.

OldForANewMum · 26/10/2026 19:34

iwant2cats · 25/10/2026 05:28

I’m honestly not sure what you’ve been upset with in that sentence @Kickpot I am sorry

Show quote history

Yep, that was a quote from me and I can't see what she's upset about in there either! All I've done is acknowledge that from what the OP has said, she and her sister had apparently normal upbringings and yet her sister has been able to turn into the kind of person who has behaved as the OP has described. I don't think any of that is controversial, is it?!

OldForANewMum · 26/10/2026 19:37

I'm very disappointed to read the OP's latest responses to me, but will allow all due leeway for the very shocking and upsetting (which words don't really begin to cover it) situation in which she has found herself and her family.

For the record, I don't recall ever having private messaged anyone on Mumsnet (I don't even post publicly very much! and I don't have any 'friends' on Mumsnet as I'm occasional user) and I certainly haven't private messaged the OP in relation to this thread. I have taken quite a lot of time to share what I've considered to be the best advice possible to the OP and her parents in this incredibly difficult and sensitive situation, on a subject of which I have some relevant personal experience - and all that appears to have happened is that the OP (and various others who it is very clear know absolutely nothing about this type of situation beyond what is in the OP, and very little of what is actually in the best interests of the child involved more broadly than being taken away from the abusive situation and being loved and parented appropriately going forward) have chosen to ignore mine and various others' greater understanding.

Finally: I'm not part of a 'group' of adoptive parents. I'm one adoptive parent who chose to reply in a post the OP told me was helpful, then came back to the thread to see other self-identifying adoptive parents doing the same and being vilified for it since - as so often on the internet with Mumsnet being no exception - the reality of the world isn't what they were interested in really understanding.

So, having set the record straight, this is where I bow out and spend no more of my time on this. But I still wish the OP, her parents and nephew the very best in all of this.

Arran2024 · 26/10/2026 20:24

I didn't send a pm either.

Hankunamatata · 26/10/2026 21:21

Surely the camera alone points to abuse. Never ever have I filmed any if my children having a meltdown. Its just not normal to film it unless something sinister.
Normal carers are comforting, trying to limit child hurting themselves or giving supervised space.

McSpoot · 27/10/2026 00:22

OldForANewMum · 26/10/2026 19:34

Yep, that was a quote from me and I can't see what she's upset about in there either! All I've done is acknowledge that from what the OP has said, she and her sister had apparently normal upbringings and yet her sister has been able to turn into the kind of person who has behaved as the OP has described. I don't think any of that is controversial, is it?!

Show quote history

I'm not the OP but I rather think she took issue with your use of "apparently" (used again in this post). The OP said it was a normal upbringing so by repeatedly adding "apparently", she may be taking it to you questioning her/not believing her. Not saying you meant it this way, but I could see why she might take it that way.

PocketSand · 27/10/2026 16:23

From the POV of SS they will be looking at where things went wrong for this family. The dad left when his son was 18 months old leaving the mother struggling to cope with an autistic toddler. What was the involvement of services at that point? The mother seems to have found a new partner a year later. Again what was the involvement of services in terms of diagnosis, SALT, OT etc and EHCP?

Unfortunately it is not uncommon even on mumsnet for people to suggest that ‘discipline’ is the correct way to deal with autistic behaviour. Unfortunately this often makes behaviour worse justifying an increase in discipline resulting in a downward spiral resulting in abuse and trauma.

The OP says that her nephew has a formal diagnosis of autism and has significant needs but doesn’t say whether he has an EHCP or is in m/s or specialist placement and says that she is personally funding therapies/support. He is entitled to adequate support in his own right.

SS will absolutely take the background of his mother into account and the lack of support and circumstances and relationships that led her to behaving in an abusive manner. Change those and she can be a good enough mother.

Unpalatable but the reality of making do in the context of outcomes for children in care.

ThreeLocusts · 28/10/2026 20:11

OP having read your further posts, I'm really sorry you're having to face this. The filming, screaming him awake and holding his head under water is unbelievable, chilling, harrowing.

Counselling sounds like a good idea. All the best to you and your parents.