Fair finances with partner in 50s

[vantiplacebo]

I would be interested in perspectives. I am in my 50s and in a good financial position. I am good with money and put a lot of effort into forward planning, budgeting and saving. I have planned for retirement and actively manage my investments.

i got divorced thirteen years ago, finances fully separated and I am in a long term relationship with a partner I love and intend to stay with. I have three children of uni age/just post uni and he has two kids who are older, living an adult life.

My partner is not good with money and our finances are completely separate. He does not own any property or have any savings. He will not engage in supportive discussions in any way and is very prickly about the subject. It is the weakest point of out relationship but it works well in many other ways and he is hugely kind and supportive and loyal.

I am very happy with our life together and we have great relationships with each other’s chillers . He lives in my house and pays half the bills. No additional rent. So it’s a very good deal for him but also for me as he works tirelessly on the house and garden and contributes half of all daily household jobs. We are in a good place.

However the money thing bothers me. He has a pension for retirement but doesn’t engage in planning or discussing. I want to leave my house and investments to my children as splitting it between all the kids and my partner would hugely diminish my kids inheritance and I’ve built the money up on my own. So I feel it’s theirs. He is a grown man and has made choices not to engage in financial planning. He does have a decent job though not highly paid and works hard.

Am I being cold in this? I love him and care about his future. But equally he needs to take responsibility for his own finances.

Nope. Make sure it’s water tight that he doesn’t get to leech of you whilst alive or dead.

YANBU, you are doing exactly the right thing. You need to leave your house to your children but should probably have a will that says he is allowed to stay until his death, in case you go first. Stipulate that he would be responsible for all bills and maintenance until his death.

If he doesn’t want to talk about it or plan for himself or his children, there’s not much you can do.

You're definitely doing the right thing OP. It may be a good idea to see a lawyer to ensure that your assets are protected for your DC.

Meanwhule your DP has a golden opportunity to save money while living with you - it's up to him whether he takes that opportunity.

No your not being cold - if anything too generous

However probably worth a frank discussion that the house is 100% going to your children- therefore he can plan accordingly

Hones red flags all over your post that he is going to need to rely upon you in his retirement

Not at all, he fully understands my children will inherit and thinks that is right and does not wish it to be otherwise. I just wondered others’ perspectives although I do feel it’s the right thing to do.

This is so hard . Finances are very unequal so I think you have to come to terms that you will be response for money into your retirements and he for the upkeep of the house and garden which in fairness would have cost you money to get trades in . I think you have to be very mindful that if the stories in the papers about 3yr relationships leading to someone having a 50/50 claim on your assets if you split are true then like of lot of people time is not on your side to remake the money . I think there was a very long thread a while ago from a lady in a similar position to you , she had a partner with no money , whereas she had assets and children . It’s not easy but for me I’d only now be with someone with similar finances.

You are doing the right thing, just make sure your will is clear cut and amend it if legislation on this matter changes.

How frustrating that he won't talk about it, I think all you can do is be clear about how you intend your assets to be distributed.

He is in an incredibly vulnerable position (of his own making), if one of you has a health event like a stroke - one has the ability to pay for extra care, while the other doesn't - caring is really not a one person job. I know that might sound a bit out of context, but I'm widowed after a cancer and a six month stint of end of life care and planning for this isn't talked about enough.

As others have said, are you intending for your partner to stay on the house if you pass earlier? Would they be able to afford the upkeep?

I caught the end of money box live on radio 4 discussing this and a potential new law that will share assets between cohabiting couples so I would keep a very careful eye on this. Also wondering what you would wish to happen regarding his housing situation if you die first.

I would consider setting aside something for him in your will but yes not unreasonable for the bulk of your assets to go to your children. He may go before you, so ensure the will says that in the event he pre-deceases you or you die together (ie car accident), the portion you have set aside for him reverts to your children. This is important because if this is missing and you both die together or he dies and then you die without updating your will his heirs (his children) get whatever the will leaves for him.

See a solicitor to get a good will in place. I get you don’t want to give the house away but are you going to leave him anything?I’d leave a lump sum, he’s the love of your life after all.

Love might conquer all in your 20's, but by your 50's financial security is much more important. Do you have a cohabitation agreement in place where he acknowledged no rights to the house? If not, do so now.

The work he is doing with your house and garden may lead to him being able to successfully claim a Beneficial Interest. For your own safety, look that up and if necessary, seek legal advice.

If you die and you leave the house to your children, where will he live and on what money? Pension? Sorry, I don’t think he has made a provision for his housing at all and would be in a difficult position, which would make an issue for your children. He also refuses to engage in a conversation. It’s all good now him saying ‘oh yes, your children should inherit’, but reality when you’re gone would be different. Your children would put a grieving man out on the street with limited assets? I think this is problematic.

If you predecease him, you’re effectively leaving your children an unrelated man living in your house, with them having to pay for the upkeep, insurance etc. A man who doesn’t like to engage on matters financial. How is that going to work; will he pay them rent? Will the mortgage be paid off? Will he pay all the bills? What happens if he moves a new partner in?

Whilst you may be happy to fund your partner, why should your children?

After first checking that his maintenance on the house doesn’t give him a claim, I would leave him a small amount of money. Perhaps enough for a deposit on a small flat. But he leaves the house.